foundandlost Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 i married 3 years ago, my first, her third marriage, im quiet and not to demanding, i cooked and help clean, paid all bills, except phone and electric, i am not good with talking about feelings but my marriage was first, my wife? is dominant and needs things her way most of the time, im american, she is brazillian with 22 yr old son who lives in brazil, he lived here for six months and went back, she says he will always come first, which is ok, its her son. i would always put myself last when it came to decision making from food to places we would go, but, in the first few months of marriage, i packed 6 times and never left, but it was wrong, reasons were i didnt make enough money or work hard enough, true i could work more than 48 hrs a week, study for a degree, but all my income went to the bills, hers which she made more than myself went to brazil and dont know where. i have moved out for two months and i call once a week to see if she is ok and where im at in the picture, like usuall nowhere, but she says its over and i say to her ok then i will get the divorce, but she says after that i always want to end it, am i missing something or just stupid, i dont want to divorce her but each time i ask if we can talk she says about what it done, so i would like to know why she doesnt bring up divorcing me and ending it, is it because she needs time or what, i want to do the right thing and am not perfect, but shes going to brazil for december and does every year, so do i just leave her alone or just walk away, which i dont want to. any help would be a blessing here, thanks
norajane Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 Honestly, I'd walk away. I think she's just using you to pay her bills. How did her two previous marriages end? I'll bet you'll find out more of the same things that you're experiencing with her other husbands. You can't fix it by yourself - she has to be committed to doing so as well, and that means talking, communicating, identifying issues and compromising. Instead, she's shutting you out. Her heart seems to be in Brazil. Let her go and don't take her back. Oh, and the reason she won't bring up divorce is that, while she doesn't seem to like you very much, you probably are still paying her bills? Divorce means she's out of a sugar daddy, so the longer she draws it out, the more she can squeeze out of you. Go talk to a divorce lawyer. There are better women out there. Women who might actually love you AND like you.
Author foundandlost Posted November 16, 2008 Author Posted November 16, 2008 i see what you are saying, and i know what it looks like and it could be true, but she is very beautiful and she is self sufficient, and could have married almost anyone, so wouldnt she have some feelings for marrying me, or am i just another dreamer.
norajane Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 When was the last time she acted like she had any feelings for you? The last time she rubbed your back or hugged you tight or held your hand? Brought home YOUR favorite bottle of wine or ice cream as a treat for you? Whispered her fears and dreams into your ear? Listened to your fears and dreams and hopes for the future? When was the last time she told you how hot you are and how she can't keep her hands off you? When was the last time she complimented you or kept dinner warm when you had to work late and came home tired? When was the last time she planned a special treat for your birthday, or your anniversary, something that YOU would like? When was the last time she took a day to spend it with you doing your favorite things, whether it's bike riding or visiting an art gallery or going to a football game? What do you think she would do if you lost your job and couldn't find another for months and months? What if you became ill or got into a car accident and had to spend lots of time in hospitals and physical therapy or cancer treatments? Would she be there with you every step of the way, holding your hand? Or would she trot off to Brazil? You have to look at a person's actions to see how they really feel. People SHOW you how they really feel.
quankanne Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 sounds like you're merely the bank that doles out money. Because when you care about someone – whether as a friend or as a lover – you *want* to communicate with them, you *want* to be with them because that person is important to you. what you've described is someone who DOES NOT care about you, other than what you can provide. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life wondering if she's ever going to come around? Especially with her knowing that she doesnt' have to do a thing, because you're not going to leave her, as YOU are the one who wants this marriage to work more than she obviously does? no marriage is perfect, but I've got to say, yours sounds lonely, miserable and unhappy, thanks to an uncommunicative, uncaring partner.
Author foundandlost Posted November 16, 2008 Author Posted November 16, 2008 yes your right, it was mostly me doing the things you describe, she was always wanting to do something other than stay home or spend time relaxing together, but i thought i waited to marry for so long it must have a chance to work, but maybe i dont want to see what you see, or end it, i guess its not worth waiting to see if i leave her alone if this might change or her wanting to be independant, yes im old school and dont believe or thought i would ever get divorced
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