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The anxiety of knowing they are dating other people - how to deal?


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Posted
Sigh...

 

This is why I only date people I have already gotten to know in some way other than dating.

thats a good option but no guarantee...for example, my last relationship ended in may and lasted 5 months. we had known each other as acquaintances for around 3 years beforehand. as an acquaintance she was wonderful....as a lover she was demanding and bossy and basically very troubled. so i left her

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Posted
If a guy is really into you, he isn't out dating other people. And I have totally had guys be really into me before sleeping together, and we were exclusive.

You know when a guy is truly crazy about you, and if he is dating other people, he isnot truly crazy about you and sleeping with you is not going to change that fact.

 

I totally disagree with this, as it's not always the case. I'm the perfect example: I'm crazy about this guy, but also seeing other people.

Posted
I totally disagree with this, as it's not always the case. I'm the perfect example: I'm crazy about this guy, but also seeing other people.

 

Why? Do you think there will be no one left if this guy doesn't work out, you want a backup plan? How does this show him that you are 'crazy' about him? Seems a bit of a catch22 if you date others then he figures he better date others and then you are both open to the issues that this brings.

  • Author
Posted
Why? Do you think there will be no one left if this guy doesn't work out, you want a backup plan? How does this show him that you are 'crazy' about him? Seems a bit of a catch22 if you date others then he figures he better date others and then you are both open to the issues that this brings.

 

Without going into detail, I've really laid my cards on the table with him. He knows I want HIM, he knows I will not (1) have sex, or (2) stop dating others UNTIL/UNLESS he shows me that he's into me-into me, and only me. He's been far too hot-cold for me to put all my eggs in one basket. But trust me, he KNOWS that I'm crazy about him.

Posted

Have you read "Why Men Love Bitches," Star?

 

I think that you would really, really enjoy reading it.

 

AND, it would give you valuable advice on attaining what you want from this guy.

 

Try it. :)

  • Author
Posted
Have you read "Why Men Love Bitches," Star?

 

I think that you would really, really enjoy reading it.

 

AND, it would give you valuable advice on attaining what you want from this guy.

 

Try it. :)

 

Yes, tried that. It did work, for a while.

 

After a long enough period, however, its mojo ran out, and straight, direct honesty had to come into play.

Posted

When I read it, it reminded me of what type of woman I was deep down inside.

 

And it empowered me to keep my head screwed on straight in the throes of a relationship.

 

That's why I loved the book.

 

It reminded me to continue being Me.

 

The book was just a thought for you....

 

Sorry...

Posted

Yeah but he's a guy. If he were totally into you, he'd ditch the other girls, pronto.

Posted
I don't understand that. The point of waiting to have sex is that she wants to be in a relationship first. How else is she to explain that?

 

Just waiting 10 or however many dates still doesn't add up to the guy not banging someone else when they do finally have sex. If a woman doesn't want to have sex with a guy who's having sex with other people, not saying anything about it doesn't seem like it would get that point across.

 

It is very simple: from male's point of view, UNTIL you've had sex with a girl, you're NOT in a relationship with a girl, period, or at least not a boyfriend/girlfriend type of relationship, which is what we're talking about.

Having sex does not mean that you will necessarily end up in a relationship with her, but not having sex certainly means that there is no true relationship yet.

  • Author
Posted
Yeah but he's a guy. If he were totally into you, he'd ditch the other girls, pronto.

 

Again, I don't necessarily agree. I'm "totally into" him and still seeing others.

 

It is very simple: from male's point of view, UNTIL you've had sex with a girl, you're NOT in a relationship with a girl, period, or at least not a boyfriend/girlfriend type of relationship, which is what we're talking about.

Having sex does not mean that you will necessarily end up in a relationship with her, but not having sex certainly means that there is no true relationship yet.

 

I agree that many guys feel this way. Therein lies the rub. Gals want a relationship before sex, guys want the sex before the relationship. Someone's gotta budge! :laugh:

Posted

^^^

I suspect that i might get flamed for the above as stated, so let me clarify: I'm certainly not advocating having sex indiscriminately as a way to speed up guys getting guys into relationships - that's clearly and incredibly stupid and will backfire. All I'm saying is that until a guy sees that a woman is invested enough in him to have sex with him, for all intents and purposes this is not a relationship yet, and therefore all bets are off (including seeing other people). Guys may or may not choose to be exclusive during the pursuit of a particular girl, but that's chiefly a personal preference, and not necessarily a reflection of character. Dating multiple people is simply a perfectly rational strategy to maximise eficiency. I personally would not sleep with multiple women at the same time, but I always go out with multiple girls at the same time, and this stops only when things with one of them have progressed deep enough to include sex. So basically, don't worry about it and focus on whether the relationship is developing to your liking. This is no different than being in a relationship for 5 years and wondering if your partner is sleeping with somebody else.

Posted
Again, I don't necessarily agree. I'm "totally into" him and still seeing others.

 

 

 

I agree that many guys feel this way. Therein lies the rub. Gals want a relationship before sex, guys want the sex before the relationship. Someone's gotta budge! :laugh:

 

 

Yeah but he's a guy. He isn't really showing that he's into you that much, sorry.

Posted
He isn't really showing that he's into you that much, sorry.

 

That's the whole point: imagine for a second that you knew for sure that he did not date other girls. Then you'd base your decision solely on the way he behaves towards you. And since you can never know for sure if he's actually dating other girls, and how far along, why worry about this, instead on focusing on if your particular dating relationship develops per your standards?

 

Same applies to guys. It's obvious that some of the girls I've dated date other guys, but why obsess about it? I'm da bomb, and if girl in question does not see this within a reasonable amount of time, i'll move on with no hard feelings. But in the meantime, why ruin the non-relationship with neediness and doubts that I'm not even entitled to?:cool:

Posted

So I would contradict some of what people are saying here. I certainly can feel that I am in a relationship without having sex first and have sex without the relationship. I personally will not date other women if I feel a relationship is brewing with one. But that is how I approach things and everyone is different.

 

SG, you seem to be 50/50 on this guy so the 50% that wants him exclusive is causing anxiety with the 50% that wants to hold back in case he flakes on you. You will just have to focus on the reality of your doubts to suppress your anxiety. Hopefully your doubts will be resolved and then things can get better.

Posted

I agree that sex doesn't not define a relationship. I am not having intercourse with the man I am with but I am MOST DEFINITELY in a relationship with him.

 

And, he would surely agree. :)

  • Like 1
Posted
I totally disagree with this, as it's not always the case. I'm the perfect example: I'm crazy about this guy, but also seeing other people.

 

Again, I don't necessarily agree. I'm "totally into" him and still seeing others.

Fine, but you have said it yourself earlier that you only see other people just to keep yourself busy and avoid putting all eggs in one basket? So I guess even if you're crazy about this guy, you don't really have much options but see other people as well because perhaps he also does, right?

 

I also honestly think that if he really was that into you, he wouldn't need to see other women.

Posted
I agree that sex doesn't not define a relationship. I am not having intercourse with the man I am with but I am MOST DEFINITELY in a relationship with him.

 

And, he would surely agree. :)

 

I'm unable and unwilling to buy this, but if it works for you, that's great!

I'm not saying that sex defines a relationship, but that the concept of a relationship does include sex, otherwise this is something else. If this is absent, in my mind this is not a relationship (not an intimate relationship, that is). I don't have sex with my friends, and I'm certainly in a relationship with them, just not 'that kind' of relationship.

Posted

I believe the difficulty with dating several people at once, is that it becomes a distraction, it negates the emotional energy/time needed to enable a courtship to develop with one person.

 

Whether or not two people are mutually interested enough in one another to move forward is a different matter.

 

But if you are having anxiety over the guy you actually do like, and dating others on top of that, isn't it just going to add unnecessary "dating anxiety" to the plate?

Posted

If you thought he was absolutely crazy about you, you wouldn't be posting this at all. He's not demonstrating he thinks you're the bomb. So that is why you're posting. Which all goes back to...he's just not that into you.

Posted
I'm unable and unwilling to buy this, but if it works for you, that's great!

I'm not saying that sex defines a relationship, but that the concept of a relationship does include sex, otherwise this is something else. If this is absent, in my mind this is not a relationship (not an intimate relationship, that is). I don't have sex with my friends, and I'm certainly in a relationship with them, just not 'that kind' of relationship.

 

 

I'm not having INTERCOURSE with him.

 

Other things? Yes.

 

So, yes, it most definitely is an emotionally and physically intimate relationship.

 

But, I see your point. I guess it's the feelings I feel that define a relationship; not the acts I perform.

 

But, I understand your stance, too.

 

:)

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