SoulSearch_CO Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 As a side note, two of my good guy friends say that won't even become exclusive with a girl until they've had sex - as a way to seal the deal, or something. I can't help but wonder if that's what he was trying to do with me. I do not think it's too much for a person to ask for exclusivity before sex. It's not a freaking test-drive. I don't see any reason to compromise your own standards just to see if that's what he wanted. Sorry...I'm a little irritated with most men's attitudes towards sex.
BubblyPopcorn Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 No. Like I said, I do it just to keep busy. However, during one of our "off" periods, I did go out with an old friend, and we dated a few times. I found myself really liking him, but only a mere fraction as much as I like the guy who I'm back "on" with. Lol, I should adopt you're mantra Stargazer and realistically speaking, when you meet someone, he/she is probably dating other people but for me, I like to fill that "off period" time with friends, family, work, hobbies, etc., just as I would normally do. Similiar to what you described above, a guy I've known for several years who I dated years ago and I was once very interested in, has wanted to go out. I can keep it at a friend level and we've talked about going to see a movie but I know he's interested "romantically" as some of his texts are on a "suggestive" level but I rather not put myself in those types of situations even if it's just a means to keep busy.
monkey00 Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 Well, Cherry - I almost became intimate with the guy I've been seeing/hanging out with off-and-on for the past couple months. We both wanted to VERY badly. When he probed why I wasn't ready, I simply told him that we weren't ready for it, that emotionally I will not make myself vulnerable until I feel we're on more stable ground. He doesn't seem to understand that women become attached when they have sex, and for me, it's instantaneous. I said "we" weren't ready for it because I don't think he is ready for what I'd need if we were to have sex: an exclusive relationship. He also told me that he hadn't had sex in a LONG time (I was surprised), and explained that he hasn't because he's very selective, and that's why he hasn't had a GF in ages. That made me feel special, but then I added some little joke about "all the girls he's dating," and he said he's "not dating any girls." However, I'm not even sure he considers us "dating," but more like "hanging out." I think he considers "dating" to be "in a relationship" or something. He's GOT to...because I'm really fairly certain that he's casually seeing other girls. It drives me NUTS. As a side note, two of my good guy friends say that won't even become exclusive with a girl until they've had sex - as a way to seal the deal, or something. I can't help but wonder if that's what he was trying to do with me. Anyway, I try to tell myself that he's lucky to be hanging out with me and that I'm more attractive and fun than any other girl he's seeing/dating/hanging out with. But it's SO HARD! I can't help but think, "I know I'm so much "better" of a catch, but WHAT IF he decides he wants her instead of me, regardless of how blah she looks, how boring she is, how ditzy she is, how far away she lives?! What if he's spending so much time with her that he forgets about me?!" (And part of this is where my problem with chasing comes into play.) Again, this only happens with the guys I REALLLLLLLY like. They are few and far between, but it's enough to drive me crazy. SG, first off I give you props that you're multidating. I usually date one woman at a time, but lately I've been multidating and it's mind-wracking in terms of time, emotionally, and financially. I don't think I'll keep it up much longer. But from a guy's perspective..I have not and would not sleep with a girl unless I knew I really really liked her..especially in the case of multidating. And in a way, it is kind of sealing the deal with the girl. I suggest you talk to him about it. Trust me, if he likes you he won't freak out about the thought of feeling pressured and will give you an honest answer - at the least both of you will be on the same page. If not, you can move onto greener pastures.
the_blur Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 No, Nemo. I'm talking about before things become intimate - either with me, or someone else. Please keep this discussion serious. Casual sex is part of casual dating no? Dates are supposed to be fun, and sex is fun... When I say I'm dating multiple people I mean I am sexing multiple people as well, simultaneously if possible! =p But yeah ... Casual dating means I get to sex my dates too ... is that part of the deal? Because then I suppose I can sort of understand your conundrum... Of course I always assume they're dating / sexing multiple people as well.
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 I multi-date because it's better than the alternative - waiting around to see if he only wants me. How so? Patience is something you need to have when starting/having a relationship. I've never "multi-dated" in my life, I think it's kind of trashy, but I've always been successful--if all put all my energies into one guy that I really like (because, let's be honest, even when you're multi-dating, there's always the ONE you like best), he can usually see that, and I've never been in a situation where the feelings were not reciprocated. I think TBF is right--it sounds like you'd LIKE to be exclusive with this guy but he obviously isn't interested in that--why not find a guy who feels the same about you? I think you deserve that.
deciduous Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 Almost all guys lie when they are trying to get laid about whom they slept with last, and when it was. Not all guys multi-date, in fact most I know do not, including myself. The only reason men go through phases of multi-dating is to try and sleep with a variety of women. Perhaps women "multi-date" for different reasons. However, if you do not communicate with him before sex, and he does not even express feelings to you before sex, you do not own him just because you had sex. So, if you want to just be "hanging out" don't expect a man is obligated to stick with you just because you chose to have sex.
Author Star Gazer Posted November 17, 2008 Author Posted November 17, 2008 However, if you do not communicate with him before sex, and he does not even express feelings to you before sex, you do not own him just because you had sex. These facts do not apply to my situation, at all. In fact, no portion of this thread should have anything to do with sex... as that has not happened and will not happen until/unless we become exclusive FIRST.
Nemo Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 Almost all guys lie when they are trying to get laid about whom they slept with last, and when it was. I have to agree with this statement.
flc Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 While I think it's perfectly reasonably in the beginning stages (when it's still very casual and getting-to-know-you) to see/date/hang out with other people, if I really like the guy, I get serious anxiety over the thought him being with someone else. Once I decide that I like someone, I want him to want only me - regardless of the time line. I think you have to develop the self confidence to know that if the person feels romantic about you and you feel the same way then things will work out for you to be exclusive. If they do not then that is Ok too. In the end realize you cannot really affect the outcome through worry or reaction. In fact this in most cases has the opposite affect.
amaysngrace Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 I think the exclusive talk should come before sex. But you never had sex with him so it's not okay for you to tell him not to sleep with anyone else because you didn't sleep with him ever. Obviously it's not exclusive. And now you're getting upset thinking he's with somebody else but you didn't get intimate with him so seriously what do you expect?
Author Star Gazer Posted November 17, 2008 Author Posted November 17, 2008 And now you're getting upset thinking he's with somebody else but you didn't get intimate with him so seriously what do you expect? Are you suggesting I'm not entitled to have any feelings towards him simply because we haven't slept together yet?
Nemo Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 We both wanted to VERY badly. When he probed why I wasn't ready, Sounds like he wanted it, but you didn't, for some reason. Be careful that he doesn't put you in the friend zone.
amaysngrace Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 Are you suggesting I'm not entitled to have any feelings towards him simply because we haven't slept together yet? He probably sees you two having sex as being in an exclusive relationship because you said that's what you wanted and he was willing to go with it on your terms. When you didn't have sex with him he probably thought you don't want a relationship with him. And then he felt rejected.
nicki Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 Some guys DO lie about whether or not they are currently sleeping with someone, but it's pretty easy to tell when you casually throw in the question while you are joking and having a good time -- early on. He will usually think that anything goes, you are both freely dating others, etc. It's been my experience that a guy will tell the truth before he knows your philosophy...and if he does lie or hesitate, well, that's easily noticed. I've always simply told a guy that if he's currently sleeping with a woman that I view it as a relationship, and I don't want to step on any one's toes. No judgment. It's cool if he wants to do that. But I'm not going to put myself in the middle of a love triangle. I casually state that I only sleep with guys who are my exclusive boyfriend. So, knowing that, it's up to the guy to decide if that's what he wants, too. That would mean dropping any bedtime buddies before seriously pursuing me. It's much easier to talk about this out on date two. A few dates later it is harder to stay objective. Star, have you talked to this guy? Maybe smile and tell him how attracted to him you are, and then throw out your own "dating" philosophy and see if it matches his. I do think guys need to know that they are in the running and that you find them attractive, but, *sigh* can't rip off your clothes until you feel you can do so and feel completely uninhibited!
allina Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 If he likes you but is still not putting all his eggs in one basket yet, chances are that the other dates just remind him of what he likes about you. If he's out at a great show/restaurant with some other chick he could be thinking "this would be so much more fun with SG." I think if you really click with someone this can be a benefit, because they get to see that you're better than the rest out there. I know this may sound overly optimistic but I've had it happen to me and I've seen people go through it. I don't know if you remember but I got to know my current SO just a month after getting dumped by my ex. Though I liked him I was determined to stay single and keep things casual, I didn't want to jump in to another relationship. All the other guys I met, and other dates were nice, but they made me realize how much I wanted to be with my bf and how he stood out from anyone I've ever met. This isn't the Mormon is it?
norajane Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 I agree with Allina. If someone can pull his attention away from you, then you really didn't have enough of his attention in the first place. And if he's into you, another woman won't be able to pull his attention away. You'll stand out. He'll notice. For it to work, it has to work for both of you; and if it works, both of you will make it happen, one way or another. Telling a guy you want to be in an exclusive relationship before having sex won't scare him away unless all he's interested in with you is sex. Don't be afraid to tell this to a guy. If he runs away, then he wasn't ever going to become your bf. Let him go back to his multi-dating, while you focus on what is important to you - dating men who are also hoping to find love.
Author Star Gazer Posted November 18, 2008 Author Posted November 18, 2008 If he likes you but is still not putting all his eggs in one basket yet, chances are that the other dates just remind him of what he likes about you. If he's out at a great show/restaurant with some other chick he could be thinking "this would be so much more fun with SG." I think if you really click with someone this can be a benefit, because they get to see that you're better than the rest out there. I know this may sound overly optimistic but I've had it happen to me and I've seen people go through it. I don't know if you remember but I got to know my current SO just a month after getting dumped by my ex. Though I liked him I was determined to stay single and keep things casual, I didn't want to jump in to another relationship. All the other guys I met, and other dates were nice, but they made me realize how much I wanted to be with my bf and how he stood out from anyone I've ever met. This isn't the Mormon is it? That all makes sense. I feel the same way about this guy - when going out with others, I can't help but think of him. BUT...my intuition says that he IS distracted by others, so I don't think he feels the same way about me. *shrug* And no, this isn't the Mormon. We only had one date...too many issues came up thereafter that I just know I can't deal with LT.
alphamale Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 Telling a guy you want to be in an exclusive relationship before having sex won't scare him away unless all he's interested in with you is sex. Don't be afraid to tell this to a guy. If he runs away, then he wasn't ever going to become your bf. sorry NJ jut i don't agree with that at all....If she brings up exclusivity before the relationship progresses to sex I would just think she is desperate and needy and also a bit wacky. I would run for the hills. If a woman wants to wait for the 10th date for sex that is fine as long as she makes that clear but there is no need to mention "exclusivity"....
norajane Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 sorry NJ jut i don't agree with that at all....If she brings up exclusivity before the relationship progresses to sex I would just think she is desperate and needy and also a bit wacky. I would run for the hills. If a woman wants to wait for the 10th date for sex that is fine as long as she makes that clear but there is no need to mention "exclusivity".... I don't understand that. The point of waiting to have sex is that she wants to be in a relationship first. How else is she to explain that? Just waiting 10 or however many dates still doesn't add up to the guy not banging someone else when they do finally have sex. If a woman doesn't want to have sex with a guy who's having sex with other people, not saying anything about it doesn't seem like it would get that point across.
monkey00 Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 I don't understand that. The point of waiting to have sex is that she wants to be in a relationship first. How else is she to explain that? Just waiting 10 or however many dates still doesn't add up to the guy not banging someone else when they do finally have sex. If a woman doesn't want to have sex with a guy who's having sex with other people, not saying anything about it doesn't seem like it would get that point across. I think the sex after the talk or talk after sex thing varies from person to person. I think if SG wants to avoid getting hurt, she'll need to have the talk first. Of course if the guys runs either way, before or after the talk..then he's a douche bag that isn't deserving of her anyway.
amaysngrace Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 People need to lighten up when they date or they're not much fun. I say have fun first and be serious later. But still be more fun than serious once you become serious. Otherwise what's the point??
BubblyPopcorn Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 These facts do not apply to my situation, at all. In fact, no portion of this thread should have anything to do with sex... as that has not happened and will not happen until/unless we become exclusive FIRST. I think it that case you'll have better luck finding a nice 18 year old bible thumper.
alphamale Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 I don't understand that. The point of waiting to have sex is that she wants to be in a relationship first. How else is she to explain that? it can be done in indirect ways vs. coming out and saying "i'm not going to sleep with you until you promise yourself to me and only me forever..." Just waiting 10 or however many dates still doesn't add up to the guy not banging someone else when they do finally have sex. If a woman doesn't want to have sex with a guy who's having sex with other people, not saying anything about it doesn't seem like it would get that point across. either party can lie about anything, innit? if a woman said to me she needs exclusivity before sex then i could just say "ok, we're exclusive" and then go do whatever i want... i've dated women who on the 2nd date said they're looking for a relationship first and not just sex and then we end up at her place in the sack...
norajane Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 it can be done in indirect ways vs. coming out and saying "i'm not going to sleep with you until you promise yourself to me and only me forever..." either party can lie about anything, innit? if a woman said to me she needs exclusivity before sex then i could just say "ok, we're exclusive" and then go do whatever i want... i've dated women who on the 2nd date said they're looking for a relationship first and not just sex and then we end up at her place in the sack... Sigh... This is why I only date people I have already gotten to know in some way other than dating.
Meet 4 Coffee Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 If a guy is really into you, he isn't out dating other people. And I have totally had guys be really into me before sleeping together, and we were exclusive. You know when a guy is truly crazy about you, and if he is dating other people, he isnot truly crazy about you and sleeping with you is not going to change that fact. Stick to your guns and don't sleep with him thinking it will help you win him over. You will be sorely disappointed. You can't f**k a guy into wanting just you, and if you have any instinct right now that he doesn't want JUST you and in fact is courting other women....then go with your instinct and no physical intimacy until you don't have those doubts.
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