Star Gazer Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 I experience the same anxiety with every new relationship, so I need to figure out how to cope. I need to turn something off (or on?) in my brain to stop this train of thought. While I think it's perfectly reasonably in the beginning stages (when it's still very casual and getting-to-know-you) to see/date/hang out with other people, if I really like the guy, I get serious anxiety over the thought him being with someone else. Once I decide that I like someone, I want him to want only me - regardless of the time line. Thing is, I totally see other people as well. Most of the time this is done literally just to keep myself busy, or avoid "putting all my eggs on one basket." Sometimes I almost feel ill about it though - not as though I'm betraying him, but betraying my true feelings, as what I want at the end of the day is to put all my eggs in that damn basket and for him to like it! I know many of you are basically instantly-exclusive, in that you date only one person at a time (particularly the men, which is surprising). However, I don't think it's reasonable, fair, wise or even necessarily emotionally healthy to do so. So while I've come to expect both sides to date other people, the thought of it - and particularly knowing it, somehow - makes my stomach turn in knots of anxiety! UGH. Anyone else experience this? Have any wise mantras I can say to myself to chill out when this happens?
Nemo Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 You mean to say that he could be getting his rocks off with some girl right now? Maybe they slept in on this lazy Sunday, making love like there is no tomorrow. Wow, that's hot.
Author Star Gazer Posted November 16, 2008 Author Posted November 16, 2008 No, Nemo. I'm talking about before things become intimate - either with me, or someone else. Please keep this discussion serious.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 Star, I feel your pain. I hate this stage. It seems like all the guys around here are multi-dating. For me, it is important to not be sexually involved with someone who is seeing other people. I will make out a little bit, but that is it. This is important for my mental and physical health. I find that this helps me somewhat. When I go out with the guy I just keep telling myself that he is lucky to be hanging out with me and that I'm sure that I'm better looking and more fun than any other girl who he could possible be dating. No, I'm not arrogant at all, I have to tell myself this to get in the right frame of mind. Otherwise, I will be thinking how pretty are the girls? How smart? How interesting? I don't want to think that there is any competition, that I am a unique individual and if I have what he wants, then no one can replace me. You know, I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me! :bunny:
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 No, Nemo. I'm talking about before things become intimate - either with me, or someone else. Please keep this discussion serious. Sorry, I wrote my response before i saw this.
Author Star Gazer Posted November 16, 2008 Author Posted November 16, 2008 Star, I feel your pain. I hate this stage. It seems like all the guys around here are multi-dating. For me, it is important to not be sexually involved with someone who is seeing other people. I will make out a little bit, but that is it. This is important for my mental and physical health. I find that this helps me somewhat. When I go out with the guy I just keep telling myself that he is lucky to be hanging out with me and that I'm sure that I'm better looking and more fun than any other girl who he could possible be dating. No, I'm not arrogant at all, I have to tell myself this to get in the right frame of mind. Otherwise, I will be thinking how pretty are the girls? How smart? How interesting? I don't want to think that there is any competition, that I am a unique individual and if I have what he wants, then no one can replace me. You know, I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me! :bunny: Well, Cherry - I almost became intimate with the guy I've been seeing/hanging out with off-and-on for the past couple months. We both wanted to VERY badly. When he probed why I wasn't ready, I simply told him that we weren't ready for it, that emotionally I will not make myself vulnerable until I feel we're on more stable ground. He doesn't seem to understand that women become attached when they have sex, and for me, it's instantaneous. I said "we" weren't ready for it because I don't think he is ready for what I'd need if we were to have sex: an exclusive relationship. He also told me that he hadn't had sex in a LONG time (I was surprised), and explained that he hasn't because he's very selective, and that's why he hasn't had a GF in ages. That made me feel special, but then I added some little joke about "all the girls he's dating," and he said he's "not dating any girls." However, I'm not even sure he considers us "dating," but more like "hanging out." I think he considers "dating" to be "in a relationship" or something. He's GOT to...because I'm really fairly certain that he's casually seeing other girls. It drives me NUTS. As a side note, two of my good guy friends say that won't even become exclusive with a girl until they've had sex - as a way to seal the deal, or something. I can't help but wonder if that's what he was trying to do with me. Anyway, I try to tell myself that he's lucky to be hanging out with me and that I'm more attractive and fun than any other girl he's seeing/dating/hanging out with. But it's SO HARD! I can't help but think, "I know I'm so much "better" of a catch, but WHAT IF he decides he wants her instead of me, regardless of how blah she looks, how boring she is, how ditzy she is, how far away she lives?! What if he's spending so much time with her that he forgets about me?!" (And part of this is where my problem with chasing comes into play.) Again, this only happens with the guys I REALLLLLLLY like. They are few and far between, but it's enough to drive me crazy.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 What if he's spending so much time with her that he forgets about me?!" (And part of this is where my problem with chasing comes into play.) He absolutely won't forget you when you are out of site. I've suffered from this problem, myself, and it just isn't true. If they like you, they don't forget you! It sounds like this guy is keeping you a little off balance. He probably likes you a lot too, but he is not ready to make it "official". Maybe it's time to keep him a little off balance. Don't show all your cards just yet! When I am indecisive about someone, then if that person is showing me that they are really certain they want to be with me, then it makes me more indecisive. I feel more need to back off. If they keep a little distance, it allows me to plow forward, if that makes any sense.
Trialbyfire Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 Star, why are you multi-dating if it makes you uncomfortable, when liking someone else? For that matter, why not focus on men who don't multi-date? Spend more time finding the man who best suits your needs, one who wants to meet your needs. In the early stages, if someone doesn't want to be reeled in, let'em swim away. The strange thing is that more often than not, many suddenly and desperately want to be reeled in. When this happens, my personal take on it is, forget it. You're not worth it since you're a gamer. Forget those dating rules. It's too easy to get caught up in the games. While it can be fun for awhile, it's no fun when someone puts out an eye!
Author Star Gazer Posted November 16, 2008 Author Posted November 16, 2008 He absolutely won't forget you when you are out of site. I've suffered from this problem, myself, and it just isn't true. If they like you, they don't forget you! That's the operative phrase though...one which I'm never certain is true or not. And what if they like someone else more? They will forget about me! Haha. It sounds like this guy is keeping you a little off balance. He probably likes you a lot too, but he is not ready to make it "official". Maybe it's time to keep him a little off balance. Don't show all your cards just yet! When I am indecisive about someone, then if that person is showing me that they are really certain they want to be with me, then it makes me more indecisive. I feel more need to back off. If they keep a little distance, it allows me to plow forward, if that makes any sense. That's the problem. I've recently shown him my cards. Ugh. We had a little bit of a misunderstanding about something that quickly snowballed, and when he pressed me for why I was doing what I was, I was forced to actually tell him, "Because I've been trying to keep my cards close to the vest, damnit! I like you WAY too much to play games anymore, and I think you know that." Thing is, he was ready to walk during the misunderstanding, but as soon as I said that, he decided he wanted to keep going, but wants to start with a "clean slate" and pretend like the misunderstanding never even happened. We're continuing to "hang out and see if something substantial develops." He moves at a snails pace, so I absolutely agree with you that he's not ready for anything "official."
Author Star Gazer Posted November 16, 2008 Author Posted November 16, 2008 Star, why are you multi-dating if it makes you uncomfortable, when liking someone else? For that matter, why not focus on men who don't multi-date? Spend more time finding the man who best suits your needs, one who wants to meet your needs. I multi-date because it's better than the alternative - waiting around to see if he only wants me. Someone recently told me not to make him a priority when he's only treating me as an option. I don't know that's necessarily the case, but it's suggestion carries weight. Also, how can I find a man who doesn't multi-date from the very beginning without looking like a head case? "Sure, I'll go to dinner with you, but only if you can confirm for me that once we go to dinner you will only be seeing me." ?? I'd freak if a guy said that to me, and expect he'd feel the same way if I said it to him!
Nemo Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 No, Nemo. I'm talking about before things become intimate - either with me, or someone else. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but if you're not exclusive, then he's free to have sex with other people, right?
Author Star Gazer Posted November 16, 2008 Author Posted November 16, 2008 Forgive me if I'm wrong, but if you're not exclusive, then he's free to have sex with other people, right? Yes, however I will not date someone who's having sex with someone else. I make that very clear, regardless of whether we're exclusive or not.
Trialbyfire Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 I multi-date because it's better than the alternative - waiting around to see if he only wants me. Someone recently told me not to make him a priority when he's only treating me as an option. I don't know that's necessarily the case, but it's suggestion carries weight. Also, how can I find a man who doesn't multi-date from the very beginning without looking like a head case? "Sure, I'll go to dinner with you, but only if you can confirm for me that once we go to dinner you will only be seeing me." ?? I'd freak if a guy said that to me, and expect he'd feel the same way if I said it to him! Star, you don't fall for someone on the first few dates, do you? Doesn't it usually take about a month of connection, whether it's dating or communicating in some form or another? Would it really freak you out if you heard something like "I prefer to date men who don't multi-date, how about you?", after about a month? Of course his immediate response will be something like "I don't date men! Haha..." but you can always turn that discussion around to something more serious.
Nemo Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 Yes, however I will not date someone who's having sex with someone else. I make that very clear, regardless of whether we're exclusive or not. That must make for an awkward conversation.
BubblyPopcorn Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 I experience the same anxiety with every new relationship, so I need to figure out how to cope. I need to turn something off (or on?) in my brain to stop this train of thought. While I think it's perfectly reasonably in the beginning stages (when it's still very casual and getting-to-know-you) to see/date/hang out with other people, if I really like the guy, I get serious anxiety over the thought him being with someone else. Once I decide that I like someone, I want him to want only me - regardless of the time line. Thing is, I totally see other people as well. Most of the time this is done literally just to keep myself busy, or avoid "putting all my eggs on one basket." Sometimes I almost feel ill about it though - not as though I'm betraying him, but betraying my true feelings, as what I want at the end of the day is to put all my eggs in that damn basket and for him to like it! I know many of you are basically instantly-exclusive, in that you date only one person at a time (particularly the men, which is surprising). However, I don't think it's reasonable, fair, wise or even necessarily emotionally healthy to do so. So while I've come to expect both sides to date other people, the thought of it - and particularly knowing it, somehow - makes my stomach turn in knots of anxiety! UGH. Anyone else experience this? Have any wise mantras I can say to myself to chill out when this happens? Multiple dating is not for me but I think it’s unrealistic to expect whomever you meet, not to be dating. You meet people at different times in your life but if you are genuinely interested in someone, do you really have a genuine interest in meeting/dating other people? You're bothered because the person you like is dating other people which I would be bothered by too and I think anyone else would, but he could say or be thinking the same thing about you too, right?
norajane Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 I almost became intimate with the guy I've been seeing/hanging out with off-and-on for the past couple months. We both wanted to VERY badly. When he probed why I wasn't ready, I simply told him that we weren't ready for it, that emotionally I will not make myself vulnerable until I feel we're on more stable ground. He doesn't seem to understand that women become attached when they have sex, and for me, it's instantaneous. I said "we" weren't ready for it because I don't think he is ready for what I'd need if we were to have sex: an exclusive relationship.Then you stick to this. If you know that you get attached instantly when you have sex, then DON'T HAVE SEX with anyone until he wants to be exclusive. Contrary to popular belief, people CAN and DO develop strong intimate bonds without sex. Just look at all the people in the OW/OM and Infidelity forums. They're full of TONS of people who start cheating emotionally with someone they meet and get to know over months of sneaked lunches and dinners and coffees and phone calls and text and talk and flirting and only THEN do they cross the line and start having sex. Regardless, if this is important to YOU, because you KNOW you need someone who is exclusive with you once you have sex, then hooray! You know what you want! So turn down everything that isn't THAT, and the guy who sticks around is the one you should be with. Because he's willing to do what it takes to have you, even if that means keeping it in his pants until he can't think of anyone but you.
Author Star Gazer Posted November 16, 2008 Author Posted November 16, 2008 You meet people at different times in your life but if you are genuinely interested in someone, do you really have a genuine interest in meeting/dating other people? No. Like I said, I do it just to keep busy. However, during one of our "off" periods, I did go out with an old friend, and we dated a few times. I found myself really liking him, but only a mere fraction as much as I like the guy who I'm back "on" with.
Author Star Gazer Posted November 16, 2008 Author Posted November 16, 2008 Contrary to popular belief, people CAN and DO develop strong intimate bonds without sex. Oh, I know! Boy do I ever know! I've already invested with this guy, and feel an attachment to him. I can only imagine how much that would intensify if we slept together though. That's why I'm actually glad he wants to go slow... but his slow (emotion/commitment) are bound to be different than my slow (sex).
Author Star Gazer Posted November 16, 2008 Author Posted November 16, 2008 That must make for an awkward conversation. How so? I just drop it into the conversation.
nicki Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 Star, I know what you are talking about! I don't like to compete with other women, so I simply don't. What I do is lower the bar very low when I start to see someone. It's like "hanging out" with a friend. Simply dinner. Simply a movie. I don't kiss on the first date because I don't know them very well yet, and I feel like kissing is quite intimate. I wouldn't want to be kissing a guy who is kissing or sleeping with another woman. So, I'll wait until the third date when I know them better. By then, I've asked them what their "dating philosophy is." I ask them directly if they are currently seeing other women. Sleeping with them? Guys will usually tell you the truth this early on. Or you can tell by their reaction anyway if they are. Whatever they say is okay. It' your own philosophy that you want to explain. As in, "That's cool. As for me, I'll casually date a few guys until I want to get to know one guy better... ..."Then I'll date only him. And I only become physically intimate with guys who are my exclusive boyfriend. I won't date any guy who is already sleeping with another woman. ..."I wouldn't want to interfere in someone else's relationship. I only date available men. Are you currently available to date someone exclusively if you want to?" Or something like that. All said with a smile, but it's clear where I'm coming from. Of course, I flirt like crazy and throw in a few times how much I LOOOOVE sex. Works for me, and keeps me out of competition with other women. I've had more that a few guys stop dating other women and focus solely on me after they understand there will be no lovin' from me until I'm the only one. I would hate to feel insecure AFTER I've invested in a person, but I'm willing to put up with it for the first few dates with someone, however. It takes a bit of time to see if you want to date someone exclusively. Dating exclusively can last for a short time, too. But, I'd rather give it a real shot than to drag it out for months and months while some guy is auditioning other women.
nicki Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 Sorry, should have broken that up into two posts!
Author Star Gazer Posted November 16, 2008 Author Posted November 16, 2008 Nicki - that all makes sense. I try to have those conversations as well, but I get nervous that they will feel pressured. Plus, I usually only even think about having those conversations with the guys I REALLY like... and then I'm worried that their answer won't be something I want to hear. Ugh.
norajane Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 Nicki - that all makes sense. I try to have those conversations as well, but I get nervous that they will feel pressured. Plus, I usually only even think about having those conversations with the guys I REALLY like... and then I'm worried that their answer won't be something I want to hear. Ugh. You're not pressuring anybody if you're stating how you feel and what you want out of dating. You're being honest and letting him understand how you date and what he would need to accept if he wants to be with you. If he can't accept it, he doesn't have to date you. And YOU are better off not dating him, either. Because, as you said, he can't give you what you really want! If their answer is something you don't want to hear, better to hear it on date 2 than after you've had sex and find out he's having sex with three other women he's casually dating.
Author Star Gazer Posted November 17, 2008 Author Posted November 17, 2008 If their answer is something you don't want to hear, better to hear it on date 2 than after you've had sex and find out he's having sex with three other women he's casually dating. You're very right about that. Problem is, I usually wait longer than 2 dates, and just before sex to have that conversation... when I've already been sucked in.
norajane Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 You're very right about that. Problem is, I usually wait longer than 2 dates, and just before sex to have that conversation... when I've already been sucked in. You can change that pattern.
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