How to get classmate to leave me alone?

[Lost Student]

Hello,

 

I have been having a problem with a classmate calling me too much. I am starting to get concerned, and not quite sure how to handle the situation from here.

 

Okay first off I want to state that this person is basically a complete stranger and that is the extent of my relationship with this person. I was in 2 classes with this guy at the beginning of the semester. I barely spoke with him at all in either class. He mentioned he would be missing some classes, and asked if I could give him my contact info. and if I could possibly help to fill him in on what he missed in class. I like helping people, and as this was a graduate level class and the guy seemed professional and mature, I assumed he would only contact me for professional related reasons, so I agreed to help him.

 

So anyway, I was surprised about a week later when he called. On the phone he mentioned details that I never told (for example what year I was in school, what my area of study was, etc.). Obviously he had looked all the information up about me from the class website which struck me as odd and made me feel uneasy and uncomfortable.

 

Then he called again after the next class on a Saturday afternoon. Again, I barely know this person and hardly spoke with him at all, yet on the phone he was like "Hey, it's me!" and behaving in a manner that I think is better reserved for people you know a little better, not for classmates you barely know. He kept asking me about my weekend plans, etc. and I was feeling really uncomfortable and awkward and annoyed.

 

So anyway, after that I got smart and memorized his phone number, so when he tried calling again another Saturday, I didn't pick up the phone and didn't return his voice mail. I know ignoring people's calls is not really all that mature or the best way to handle things, but I was just feeling so uncomfortable that I didn't know what else to do.

 

Okay, so anyway, a few days later the guy calls again (again, I did not pick up) and left me this bizarre voicemail about how what's going on, why didn't you return my call, am I on your do not call list, or is something wrong with you? And also sends me a similar e-mail about what's going on and am I okay? I thought it was really out of line to harass someone that you don't even know like that just because they don't return your call. So I replied to the e-mail and apologized for not returning the call and explained that I had been busy. I also suggested that he should contact me by e-mail instead. So he replied with another bizarre e-mail mentioning something about "well I think there are other dynamics going on etc." I tried to stay polite and professional, and replied explaining that I didn't know what the was talking about. So I hadn't heard from him for a long time, and I assumed he had gotten the point and was going to leave me alone. Then he called again this Saturday afternoon to tell me he was thinking of me and wants to know if I want to go out for dinner, lunch with him, etc.

 

Seriously, I have no idea where this guy has gotten the idea that I m interested in him. And for the record I happen have a serious boyfriend and have no interest in dating. What is the best way to get this guy to stop calling me and leave me alone? Is just not answering the calls enough? Or is there a way to tell someone to stop calling and to leave you alone that is polite and still maintains some level of professionalism?

 

Thanks.

[Nemo]

Then he called again this Saturday afternoon to tell me he was thinking of me and wants to know if I want to go out for dinner, lunch with him, etc.

Didn't you tell him thanks, but I'm not interested?! You can add the bit about your boyfriend, not that it is any of his business. But he needs to be told on no uncertain terms to piss off.

 

Poor guy. No offence to you, but he sounds desperate. If spelling it out to him doesn't work, then I would tell your boyfriend. Or buy a gun - if he is wetting his pants over you, then it needs to be on your terms.

[kashmir]

On one hand I feel a bit bad for guys like this, because I'm feeling the same way he is. The difference between us is I have discipline and I can take a hint long before I cross the line from being friendly to being annoying.

 

The guy is obviously very attracted to you and he doesn't know how to deal with women that well. Unfortunately, there's no way to get him to lay off besides being direct and saying you have a boyfriend and are not interested in him. You don't need to be mean, just be direct. Don't keep him hanging on by telling him you were busy. He won't get it. I'm sure he's a decent guy but a lot of guys just approach these situations totally the wrong way.

 

Be flattered that he sees something in you. Next time he calls, answer and be honest.

[Chinook]

Okay, what's gone wrong here is this...

 

a) You're fairly naive to not have noticed that he asked for your number when he could have contacted you thru the class email system. No bother, easy mistake to make.

 

b) Having achieved his goal of acquiring your number, he was already on a different track from you and you were waaaaaaaaaaaaay behind him and didn't realise what was happening.

 

c) because he's on his track, assuming it's okay to call you because you DID give him your number right... and you've never mentioned a BF to him right... he's assumed that his interest in you is reciprocated

 

d) here's the kicker... you've never categorically stated that your interest is NOT reciprocated. So... he's assumed that you are. You have to hand it to the guy for his positive outlook. But, you have a problem. Your naivete and his persistance has led you both to a place of misunderstanding which needs to be cleared up. You can either be blunt and ask him to quit calling and explain you will not be lunching or dining with him because your boyfriend won't approve, or you can call him up and talk it out rationally like adults who can discuss misunderstandings - rather than avoiding confrontation.

 

Of course the other issue is how he came to perceive that you may be interested. May you have subconsciously given him a positive reaction, or is he seriously a whack job and nutty with no real stimulation needed from anyone let alone you...?! (some are!!) This happened to me with a student. In the end he had to be disciplined for 'overuse pf University email outside the normal bounds of required use'. He would email me something like 40 times a day and like you, because I was too nice to ignore it, I would respond with something innocuous but even that was perceived as a positive response - so in the end he had to be told directly, firmly and unequivocably NOT to contact me again outside the confines of his course.

 

I hope that he gets the message, its certainly no fun when it's happening, no matter how flattering it is to start with

[Green]

Well acording to the info you have given I mostly blame you. Its the oldest trick in the book to ask a girl you like for her number for "study purposes" seriously he could have asked another guy. You should have nipped it in the bud there and just said "I have a bf who get jealouse if I give my number out to guys but heres my email if you need notes or something I expect you to give me notes now too if I miss class"... Okay so at this point if he is still being really unsmooth about this and hasn't figured it out just flat out tell him "you were right there is something up, I feel bad if I've given you the wrong idea about us but I have a bf and I'd rather you just leave me alone and stop contacting me thanks" ... you can just txt that to him

[O'Malley]

As others have said, "I'm busy," can translate to "I'm interested, if you keep pursuing me," to the overly optimistic mind.

 

Let him know, "I was glad to help you out with your studies, but I'm in a relationship with someone and I'm not interested in dating anyone else." Don't show anger or irritation, just talk to him briefly over the phone the next time he calls. After that, if he persists with the same behavior, you need to be as direct and impolite as you can and ignore all his contacts.

[Lost Student]

Thank you very much for your advice. I suppose I was mainly concerned because I was getting this really creepy vibe from this guy, and thought it may have been more than just an innocent misunderstanding, which I suppose is why I was trying to avoid him altogether.

 

I can see how by trying to be polite, I may have inadvertently sent him more wrong ideas. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that he's just well-meaning but misguided and try to be more direct with him next time he calls.

[Green]

Thank you very much for your advice. I suppose I was mainly concerned because I was getting this really creepy vibe from this guy, and thought it may have been more than just an innocent misunderstanding, which I suppose is why I was trying to avoid him altogether.

 

I can see how by trying to be polite, I may have inadvertently sent him more wrong ideas. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that he's just well-meaning but misguided and try to be more direct with him next time he calls.

 

First off you weren't being polite you were just trying to avoid confrontation. Second off nothing he has done to this point is even creepy, I'm not sure how you intend on "trying to be more direct"... because you haven't been direct at all. But what I sugest is you clearly and politely tell him "I have a bf and I'd apreciate it if you stop trying to contact me"... when he started asking whats the matter it was his way of giving you a chance to say you had a bf and that he should stop calling

[D-Lish]

Hey,

 

I had a few similar situations when I was in University.

I assumed the initial interest to be academic and therefore innoculous.

 

I had one guy arrange to meet for a study "group"... but when I got there it turned out to be just him- and it seemed like he was treating it as a date. I nipped it in the bud right then and there. It's hard to deal with these types of confrontations because no one wants to hurt another person needessly- we'd always rather the problem go away on its own.

 

Unfortunately- the problem rarely goes away unless it gets addressed head on.

 

I would suggest telling him you can't have dinner because you have a serious boyfriend- do it sooner rather than later.

 

I don't think this is your fault or you led him on on purpose. But if you want the problem to go away- you have to confront him with honesty. It's the only way.

 

Good luck.

[You'reasian]

The guy is trying to play jedi mind trick on you. Yeah, tell him about your serious boyfriend. Hell, ask one of your best guy friends to act as your boyfriend and then approach him together.

 

Good luck