konfuzd Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 Wow... so I'm talking to my friend on the phone yesterday, and I started talking about how my bf and I plan to buy a house next year. My friend told me that we should find a place with a basement suite so she can move in. She has 2 cats, and I told her there's no way I would allow cats in my place as my bf and I are both severely allergic, and don't like cats. My friend tells me I should get a place with radiant heating, so none of the dander will go through the vents, or I should get an allergy filter for the furnace, just so I can accomodate her and her two cats! Besides the cats, this girl has multiple noise complaints from her current landlords, is always asking to borrow money to make her rent, and would all round be a horrible, horrible tenant. I just decided to focus on the cat issue, so she wouldn't get her hopes up, or risk offending her over this hypothetical situation she created in her head. Anyhow, so I say to her, my bf and I will find a house that suits our needs, and we're not going to change our criteria to accomodate her. She got upset, and hung up on me!!!! I don't understand how she got so pissy over a hypothetical situation, and does she honestly expect us to find a house to suit her needs? Are people honestly this self centered? I'm blown away!
norajane Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 Are you even looking for a house where you could rent to tenants? Or is your friend just telling you that you should do this for her? I would have just told her we want to live alone and don't want to become landlords in the process of buying a house. If you want a rental apartment along with the house, the tenants usually come along with the property because they already live there. At least until their lease is up.
vintagecat Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 "Are people honestly this self centered?" Yes, many are. Apparently this woman is as well. Don't mention the subject to her again. Go ahead with your plans (which may change) and don't give it another thought. I would also not apologize or otherwise seek to engage her good opinion. She was wholly out of line. Many years ago I had a person that I called a friend that your friend reminds me of. About 20 or so years ago we were having a phone conversation and this friend started insisting that I rearrange my life to suit her dysfunctions and pet projects at a point where my life was coming around and together very nicely in a way that I wanted it to go. Enough was finally enough. This friend had gotten a lot of support and accommodation from me in the past but had done very little in the way of returning support in any way. I had started to realize the need to draw a line in the sand about how much she could expect from me in the future before I got completely bone tired of her near constant impositions, eternal phone calls and conversations bemoaning her fate and examining in minute detail the ill use others had visited upon her. I spoke directly but not harshly that I wouldn't be changing my plans or the plans of my future husband in a direction that I was neither inclined or interested in going and like your friend, she hung up on me mid-sentence. I shrugged, looked at my boyfriend (now husband) and told him what had transpired. He said something along the lines of it's probably for the best. I never heard from her again. After a few months of no contact I was amazed at how much energy, time and good will this woman had eaten up with her woes. I didn't miss her. Interestingly enough we saw her on the street about a year ago. She was still pretty much enmeshed in her issues but we spoke very briefly. We had wholly moved on. I did not encourage further contact. You might have to decide at some point whether this is a lifelong friendship or one with an expiration date. In general I'm a very loyal person (occasionally to a fault) but there are some relationships that go into territory where it is no longer healthy, beneficial or mutual and at that point it bears examination. You might be getting close with this friend.
Chinook Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 Vintagecat could have written that post about a supposed best friend of mine which I let go of earlier this year. I was in exactly the same situation and basically came to breaking point of sick of being accommodating. It really really annoyed me when after 6 weeks no contact she wrote to me telling me that although I may have been right in my assessment of things but that I was blablabla ... and launched into a tirade of abuse about how I was unreliable (I visited her every week, whether I wanted to or not) and how her daughter always viewed me as wanting to take her Mummy away when I did visit (when she herself had insisted it was 'me' time instead of Mummy or wife time). So I returned the letter and explained that I didn't know what she wanted of me if I was such a bad person because here she was again, calling the shots on her terms, with her perception and unwilling to even see that someone else may have an opinion (how very dare I not back down and go running to her!) She didn't contact me again until last weekend. Last weekend she contacted me and said her Father was dying of cancer and that she was worried our friendship is irreparable and that I was special to her and always would be. I replied that I was sorry she was going through what she was going through and I know what a tough time it is (I had cancer too). I did not elaborate further and I didn't extend my support further than that. Cruel...? Maybe. Harsh...? Maybe. But as Geishawhelk points out, I came to realise that my friend is an emotional vampire and what she was attempting to do was make me come running back to her through making me feel guilty... because I SHOULD feel bad because her Dad is ill...right...?! Wrong. I felt bad it was happening, as I would for any family in this situation because I know it isn't nice and I felt she used that... knowing that I would know that... to get a response. I'm sorry it's happening to her, but she has to get through this herself now. I'm not going to feed her ego anymore. I have to take care of me first because unless I take care of me, I can't take care of anyone else.
Trialbyfire Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 You'll always find crazy people out there. Once a friend starts trying to mould you to their expectations, for selfish reasons, distance yourself.
Touche Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 Most friendships have an expiration date. It's so rare to find people who genuinely care for you as much as you might care about them. And to answer your question..yes. I do think most people are very self-centered - usually to the point where they have no clue when they've crossed the line and comprised the friendship.
Author konfuzd Posted November 16, 2008 Author Posted November 16, 2008 Thanks all for sharing your similar stories. I have known this girl to be very high maintenance, and definately expects people to cater to her every need. I have no problem refusing her requests, and she always does seem a bit agitated about it, but has never outright hung up on me and been so rude. You are all very right, she is emotionally draining, and I won't call her, but I know she'll be calling me again in a few days as she always does.
Author konfuzd Posted November 16, 2008 Author Posted November 16, 2008 Are you even looking for a house where you could rent to tenants? Or is your friend just telling you that you should do this for her? I would have just told her we want to live alone and don't want to become landlords in the process of buying a house. She came up with this on her own. She inquired about where we were looking at buying. Right now I'm in a suburb which is relatively inexpensive, but my bf wants to live in a more expensive part of the city. She asked how we could afford living there, and I said we would see where the market is next year and deal with costs at the time. My bf and I have talked to eachother about how a rental suite would help pay down the mortgage, but that was independent of conversations with this friend. I know her motivation is that she thinks because I'm a friend, she'll be able to get away with more, and slip on her rent for a few months as a favor to her. This is how this girl operates, always looking for handouts and favors from people. She's already asked me to loan her money for rent on several occations. I told her that I make it a habit not to lend money to friends as it's burned me in the past, but it's never stopped her from asking.
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