cherryade Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 I'm doing NC (2 weeks except a 17 second phone call which was a waste of time) to get him back, not to move on. I know this is not really the point of NC. But I want him back and I don't know what else I can do. My question is though, does NC work even when there's someone new? We have (had*) a LDR, and I'm not keeping in touch, and he's distracted by his new relationship, so what is there exactly to remind him to miss me?
foxh1234 Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 I'm doing NC (2 weeks except a 17 second phone call which was a waste of time) to get him back, not to move on. I know this is not really the point of NC. But I want him back and I don't know what else I can do. My question is though, does NC work even when there's someone new? We have (had*) a LDR, and I'm not keeping in touch, and he's distracted by his new relationship, so what is there exactly to remind him to miss me? Probably not. Work on yourself and getting over him and if he chooses to get in touch, he will. If not, move on and put him in the past.
lofi_tokyo Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 Sadly Cherry, and I know this from experience, there is pretty much NOTHING you can do. Nothing. It sucks because you feel powerless and forgotten - thats something I struggle with even 2.5 months after the break up. I wish I could say I know he'll miss you, but in my case my ex has shown none of that. Its possible he never will. Others on this site say he WILL miss you someday, just probably not in a want to get back together way. I am sincerely sorry you are in this situation, because I am in it too, and its very hard to cope with, especially being in an exLDR, because you can't even see the person again unless you go to their home town, which I personally have a hard time doing, even with legit reasons, because the reasons feel like excuses to hope I'll see him.
Author cherryade Posted November 16, 2008 Author Posted November 16, 2008 It's so unfair. I did nothing wrong, but he is the one with the power. I probably will see him, he'll come home for Christmas and we have the same circle of friends. I want to know that what we had was worth something to him. It is to me. But I can't understand how he dropped it so quickly.
lofi_tokyo Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 In the end Cherry, it may just have been distance. How much longer would it have been until you could be with him fully? If it was a very long time, then its possible he just couldn't take it. He needed someone closerby.
Author cherryade Posted November 16, 2008 Author Posted November 16, 2008 In the end Cherry, it may just have been distance. How much longer would it have been until you could be with him fully? If it was a very long time, then its possible he just couldn't take it. He needed someone closerby. May. We were finally going to be together in 6 months. I thought that maybe that could have scared him off, but no, he was making plans for us together. I can completely understand if it was just that he had the opportunity for some affection, and he took it. It would have been so easy. LDRs suck, and I could have understood that and tried to forgive it. But he didn't just sleep with her, he then chose her over me. That is what I don't understand.
lofi_tokyo Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 I think its also in part because of the excitement of dating someone new - you get that initial honeymoon period all over again, something you can't really relive in a longterm relationship. I'm sure that is a small portion of why my ex is so able to leave me, because the honeymoon period is cute, is funny, its sexy, its flawless! If thats all your ex is after, then he'll probably realize sooner or later that he made a mistake. Will he come back? Thats debateable.
Author cherryade Posted November 16, 2008 Author Posted November 16, 2008 I think its also in part because of the excitement of dating someone new - you get that initial honeymoon period all over again, something you can't really relive in a longterm relationship. I'm sure that is a small portion of why my ex is so able to leave me, because the honeymoon period is cute, is funny, its sexy, its flawless! If thats all your ex is after, then he'll probably realize sooner or later that he made a mistake. Will he come back? Thats debateable. Hopefully if he comes back I won't want him by then. But I would like to know it was his problem not mine. I don't really know this girl, but I wouldn't have thought she'll want him for keeps; she knows he can cheat. And if she really cared about him she wouldn't have facilitated the destruction of his meaningful long term relationship. But what do I know? I'm just the one left with all the s**t.
lofi_tokyo Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 I dunno, my ex's girlfriend facilitated our breakup, and shes on cloud nine now. So... its impossible to really know the motives of the other girl. In fact, you may never know the motives of your ex. 2.5 months down the road and I have a decent idea, but I still wonder! Heres something else: If you arn't together, then there probably WAS something going wrong. As you heal, if you continue to sincerely feel you saw nothing wrong on your end, then it was most likely issues on his end - perhaps communication? In order to start healing, its best to stop wondering who caused the breakup, or who messed up, and instead focus on yourself, and what makes you happy. This nice thing about LDR break-ups is - for the most part you never saw your ex, in other words, your normal life with him is not far from your normal life without him. It may feel terribly different, but the actions are probably about the same. So you don't need to rebuild your life entirely, you just need to heal over time.
Author cherryade Posted November 16, 2008 Author Posted November 16, 2008 I accept that; there must have been something wrong. But I have no idea what; I was there not long ago, he never acted any differently or gave any clues that there was something we needed to talk about. The thing that was wrong might just have been that we weren't together. I don't know. It's true, I didn't see him in everyday life. We did speak nearly everyday, and planned our next trips and things. We were still very much in everyday life. And one of the hardest things for me now is that I have only my own company, going over and over things in my head. Trying to work out where I went wrong. And I mourn the loss of everything I thought we had to look forward to. It was so close, and we were so excited about it.
MichiganMan222 Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 Its possible he does love you to pieces but choose convenience over love. I for one cannot figure out how someone can do that as long as you have SOME form of physical contact, even if infrequent. But that's just me. My last two relationships had them choosing convenience over love. The first was an LDR like yours. It was only an hour away but we only saw each other on the weekends. It wasn't good enough for her and she ended choosing someone local over me and to this day maintains she is still in love with me and has never been able to love him. So why him then? Convenience. He lives close by, he's a nice guy and everyone around her thinks he's great. the second LTR? I had baggage. Kids, an ex, a stressful job. She couldn't tell me enough how much she loved me and it drove her crazy (to the point of therapy and meds) that she couldn't have me full-time. So her solution was to get over me and find someone that could be with her at the snap of a finger. I don't talk to her anymore so I don't know how she feels about me or the new guy now. But just weeks ago she declared her undying love to me (puuuuke). So don't think there's anything wrong with you so quickly. It sounds like you are a victim of circumstance. I agree with everyone here. It doesn't matter whether he comes back or not; NC is the solution for you. Just don't count on him coming back. In fact count on him NEVER coming back. Its possible he might, but the ironic part is it will probably be when you are over him and have moved on.
Author cherryade Posted November 16, 2008 Author Posted November 16, 2008 Thanks MM. In a way it's what I hope has happened. As far as I can tell it's the thing that makes the most sense. I can't just stop loving him though. I'm gonna keep on NC and hope to heal a bit just as a side effect. I want him back so badly
MichiganMan222 Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 Thanks MM. In a way it's what I hope has happened. As far as I can tell it's the thing that makes the most sense. I can't just stop loving him though. I'm gonna keep on NC and hope to heal a bit just as a side effect. I want him back so badly It does make perfect sense. My ex left me thinking there was something defective about me. As time went on, I realized she just didn't have what it takes to be with me. And yes you can stop loving him (at least romantically); you just haven't yet. You will. And of course you want him back right now. And I did mine too. But consider even if you had him back, nothing would be the same now. The relationship may have been poisoned by this. I know mine was. What we had is dead and buried, even if we ever got back together again. She'll NEVER get out of me what she got before. Hang in there. Be patient and come here often. It really, really helps. There are scores of opportunities out there for you. I don't know your ex, but by shear virtual of probability, he was NOT the only for you.
Author cherryade Posted November 16, 2008 Author Posted November 16, 2008 I know it would never be the same. But it seems such a waste not to even try. The past two weeks of NC I've become sure of one thing - the ONLY thing wrong with our relationship was that he didn't want it. Yep, it's a biggy, but if he changed his mind I'm certain it would all be ok.
firecrasher Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 I'm stuck in a similar situation. There are photos of some Facebook chick all over him, but he tells me he doesn't know what he wants. So it's not Officially Over, and we're bandmates and things, and have tons of each other's stuff, and I'm going out of the country for a week and I'm afraid I'll lose him for good!!! So is NC in this case a good idea? I don't want to disappear into thin air and make the decision easier for him. HE needs to contact ME with his decision, not have this other girl post photos on Facebook... but how do I trust him enough that he will do that?
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