my friend died of cancer

[sedgwick]

i am crying about my friend kim, who died tuesday night at the age of 33. i knew i would eventually. it just hit me really hard.

 

she had someone who loved her so much , my beautiful friend paul, to whom she was engaged. someone so amazing, one of the truly beautiful, brilliant, and upstanding men on the planet -- one of the three men i've ever met about whom i'd say that. cancer forced her to leave someone who so totally did not deserve to be left. i am so, so angry that the world took her from him.

 

and i am f*cking furious with the man for whom i wanted to be that incredible partner, the one who made me truly work with all my might to be the best possible version of myself, the one whose g*dd*mn basses and boxes of records (and i'm talking 78s, not those namby-pamby albums in the fancy cardboard sleeves) i f*cking shlepped up and down the five flights of stairs to his apartment because I LOVED HIM. love him. joe has a woman out here who f*cking bellydanced naked for him, who knitted him stuff -- CASHMERE stuff, i might add -- and left it on his pillow for when he came in off the road, a woman who left love notes in his suitcases when he went on tour, a woman who was the first girlfriend he ever had who not only didn't complain about giving head but practically forced it on him every time he walked through the door. he had this woman who loved him with her whole heart and he bailed because i don't play the f*cking fiddle. okay, so maybe i'm the ugliest fattest most worthless piece of sh*t who ever lived, but i'm also the one person in his LIFE who ever told him i loved him unconditionally. of course, he may have 15 fiddle players telling him the same thing now, but i said it first. and it meant so little to him that i never saw his face again after the morning he left. wait, the morning he had sex with me and got up and put on his pants and laid my keys on my desk and THEN left. i have never been treated with less respect in my entire life than i was by the person i respected the most.

 

i gave everything in me, everything i have to give, all my heart and trust and love, and it wasn't enough. i don't know how you ever recover from that.

 

he had the kind of love from me that i have always dreamed of having for myself. he had the kind of love people write poems and storybooks about. and yeah, okay, i know it was only me, and that i'm not worth much, but i feel like maybe i'm at least worth not totally sh*tting on. i could be wrong about this, he certainly left me feeling like less than nothing, like someone whose love could just be tossed aside with no explanation beyond the fact that i'm not exactly like him. and here i was going, okay, well, he won't use deodorant for me, and he won't gain weight for me, and he won't stop smoking or start sleeping or stop talking about old-time music during sex for me, and he can't talk about literature or film, really, but that's okay, because i love him for exactly who he is. and his choice was to just walk away because i don't have the exact same identical career as he does, and now i'm not sure i can ever love or trust again.

 

i am really pissed off at him for not realizing what he had, even if all he had was me. i'm the one who would have sat by his death bed and held his hand and told him until the very end how beautiful he was. i'm the one who would have written poems to him like the musical one paul wrote for kim as she was dying (he made an entire album of original songs for her. he's a musician who was able to love a woman even though she was only a dancer.) i'm the girl who wanted to get "bass" tattooed on her knuckles instead of a wedding ring.

 

i'm his paul, and he f*cking tossed me aside. all i wanted in the world was to make his life a better place. all i wanted was to hold his hand until the very end of the story. and because i do not play old-time fiddle, all of that was worthless to him. so worthless i'm not even worth knowing.

 

i really hate the world sometimes.

 

i miss you kim.

[Geishawhelk]

(((( huge hug ))))

[sedgwick]

Thank you. It hurts so much knowing that a) she's gone and b) I am not good enough that all the love I have to give could ever make a difference.

 

I dream of not being worthless so that maybe my loving someone could make any kind of impact on them or the world at all. I wish I could have some meaning in the universe. Maybe when my book comes out it might help somebody, so at least I can be something other than a total waste of oxygen and carbon.

 

It's so weird, before I met him I thought maybe I might mean something in the world. At least I'm helping homeless kids find homes, and I'm making progress on getting one of my clients back into school. He had to drop out after his parents disowned for being trans and totally cut him off financially. I guess that's all I can do besides write and dance and knit stuff for people. I am trying so hard to redeem myself for all of Joe's time I wasted.

[Geishawhelk]

It's the unsung heroes who make most impact.

You have no idea from one day to the next what a difference you might make to somebody else's life.

 

And you have no idea how.

 

But if you (generic, not specific) choose to manifest negativity - and it IS a choice - then it's a guarantee that it will colour your world.

[sedgwick]

Thank you. I try to be a positive person when I'm not alone. I just feel like I still deserve to be punished for what I did to Joe. He's so beautiful and special, and I totally wasted a year of his time. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for that, and for just being a writer/dancer/knitter/homeless advocate and not a fiddle player.

[openbook08]

R.I.P Kim xxx

life can be so cruel...live your life now to the fullest sedgewick

live the seconds minutes hours that Kim had taken away

sincere sympathy to you I cant imagine what youre going through

dont be so hard on yourself darlin X

[blind_otter]

I'm sorry that you lost your friend Kim.

[sedgwick]

Thank you everybody. All of us who loved her (and there are so many) are very sad, but those who can dance are dancing for her. She was an incredible bellydancer and fire dancer, and even when she had a scar down her belly and a morphine pump embedded beside it (she had ovarian cancer and had a hysterectomy early on) and no hair from the chemo, she put bindi all over her head and continued traveling around the country to perform. A doctor told her three years ago that she would never dance again, and she danced for a year after that. My company here in NYC and companies in San Francisco and DC (where she lived) all dedicated performances to her this past weekend. We loved her so much. I'm having a hard time not just bursting into tears several times a day.

 

I will dance for her for the rest of my life.

[Ingenue]

sedgewick, I'm sorry about the loss of your friend Kim. It always saddens me to hear when a life was taken too soon. May you always remember her as the wonderful person she was

[foxh1234]

I am very sorry for the loss of your friend Sedge. I have lost friends to cancer and it is the hardest thing. My prayers and wishes go to Paul as well.

[quankanne]

my condolences on the lost of your dear friend, Sedge ... sounds like the kind of person who made the world a better place just by being in it.

 

and from the stuff you shared, you're that kind of woman, too. Unfortunately, jackasses like your ex will never be able to find it in themselves to let you know that ...

 

as much as it hurts that he's made you feel this way, don't believe it for one minute. Because when you start devaluing yourself, when you start seeing yourself the way you believe he saw you, you lose something really special. Trust me, you don't want to join the line-up of jackasses!

 

hold your head up high and know that even though Joe wasn't able to discover the good stuff that makes you so incredibly unique, there is someone out there – someone who is the Paul to your Kim – who is going see and appreciate you for the gem that you are.

 

and look at it this way: Everything you gave Joe? Just proof in the pudding that YOU have it within yourself to love that way, when he obviously didn't.

 

hugs,

quank

[sedgwick]

hold your head up high and know that even though Joe wasn't able to discover the good stuff that makes you so incredibly unique, there is someone out there – someone who is the Paul to your Kim – who is going see and appreciate you for the gem that you are.

 

I so appreciate you saying that, but really, I'm only a writer/bellydancer/knitter/homeless advocate, it's not like I play the fiddle or anything. And I know that probably sounds ridiculous, but if any of those things meant anything, he wouldn't have left me. As far as I know, playing the fiddle is the hardest and most impressive skill in all of human existence. I used to value the stuff I did, but I don't really think I'm very good at any of it, or he wouldn't have left me. And if he did leave me, he would have at least spoken to me. I was so worthless he doesn't even want to know me. But I'm starting Middle Eastern drumming lessons as soon as I have the money, and I know it's not the fiddle, but I can't deal with old-time music anymore. I met him because I loved it and used to go out to hear it a lot and was learning to play the banjo, but I had to quit because I couldn't afford lessons. I haven't listened to it since, and I really miss it, but it makes me cry. The other day I put my banjo out with the trash. That made me cry too, but maybe some girl who deserves it picked it up. It wasn't a very good banjo anyway, as he used to tell me.

 

I remember how I used to go out and hear music all the time, and I wish I still could, but now I'm too embarrassed to be around musicians. I don't leave the house now unless I'm going to work, going to class or therapy or to perform, or running errands. I just figure the world doesn't need my presence and I'm trying to spare people. God, I used to LOVE to go out!!

 

The other night I danced solo at my friend Melissa's show, and recently I danced solo at a show organized by my favorite bellydancer in NYC, who wrote me afterwards to tell me how much she loved my choreography and watching me perform. But at both shows I was the first one to leave; I didn't even stay for the curtain call. Melissa and her dance partner performed to a song by Joe's roommate's band, and I sat in the corner with my hands over my ears trying not to cry. After the show I told them it was because it was by the band my ex often played with and did sound for. Another dancer there, the one I admire most and who intimidates the hell out of me because she's so gorgeous and talented, said, "Oh bullsh*t, I met this guy and he was so not good enough for her. He's not even cute." I said, "No, he's beautiful," and Melissa said, "You know what this translates to, right? He loved you and couldn't handle it and couldn't deal with the Sedgwick fan club." Which is ridiculous, because he's a much better musician than I am a dancer, and he has a much bigger fan club, and he has absolutely not one moment of insecurity ever. He knows he's great. He's MUCH better looking than I am, by far. I used to look at pictures of us together and just cringe because he's so much too cute for me. Another dancer said, "You have so much energy and sparkle everybody can feel it the minute you walk into the room." Then as I was leaving, all these people were telling me they loved it.

 

When people say nice things to me now it just hurts, because if I were really any good, he'd have wanted me. I mean, I once had a car full of bellydancers yelling "hi" to him when we saw him on the street on his way to our performance, and afterwards he said, "It feels pretty awesome to have a car full of bellydancers calling your name," but it was all LIES LIES LIES. And I don't know why everybody else is lying to me now. I guess they just feel sorry for me. I try so hard to be good and to work hard and help others, but if I was really any good or worth anything, he'd have stayed. He'd at least want to KNOW me. And as it is, it would seem he doesn't even remember me.

 

The one and only thing I'm hanging onto and believing a little bit is that my editor's assistant sent me an email the other day telling me she and my editor were "very positive" about how the book is coming along. I'm trying to convince myself that if someone at Norton says that, it might mean something. After all, they publish the critical editions of Faulkner, and Faulkner is my hero of all time. So that might be almost as good as playing the fiddle. The one thing I know in the world I can do is write; I was reading at two and writing at three (really.) I was born with it. I wish so much that books meant as much as music. I used to think they did -- and sort of, I *still* think they do, but I know now that that's not true. My favorite writers Marya (who has become a good friend) and Richard Powers and, of course, the Faulk, amaze and inspire me with the divinity of what they do, but it's not old-time music, of course. I wish that what I thought mattered, mattered.

 

I *am* in the process of helping a homeless kid go back to college, and helping another one find a way to study abroad like I did, so at least I'm making it possible for others to learn and travel. If my life means nothing, I hope that theirs will, and I'll do anything I can to make that happen.

[frd150]

Im very sorry Sister Sedge, Sending you a big (((((hug))))). You and Paul will be included in my prayers. Fist bumps to him for supporting her through this.

[fabulousgal]

Sorry to hear about your friend Kim, I think that was nice when you said you will dance for her now.

[sedgwick]

Sorry to hear about your friend Kim, I think that was nice when you said you will dance for her now.

 

Always. I love her to the ends of the earth and back. And I will dance for Paul, my bodhisattva, who didn't deserve this in any way whatsoever.

[quankanne]

sedge, the more you share about your ex, the more it seems like he wasn't capable of having a relationship where someone outshined him – whther it was your dance ability (WAY cool, I took a bellydance class years ago, but I'm too spastic even for that kind of movement, lol), the way you loved him ... anything. There was only room for his ego ... and because you felt him the more gifted of the two of you, it fed into his "worship at my altar" mentality. I'm sure he is a great guy in other regards, but musicians tend to tune out everyone around them to chase their dream ... and a lot of time that comes with a huge ego attached by a sturdy leash.

 

mourn his loss, but please, PLEASE don't beat yourself over it – as I've said before, just in loving him the way you did shows that you're capable of sharing that kind of love. Not many people have that gift.

[sedgwick]

sedge, the more you share about your ex, the more it seems like he wasn't capable of having a relationship where someone outshined him – whther it was your dance ability (WAY cool, I took a bellydance class years ago, but I'm too spastic even for that kind of movement, lol),

 

musicians tend to tune out everyone around them to chase their dream ... and a lot of time that comes with a huge ego attached by a sturdy leash.

 

First of all, let me just say that I burst into tears in my very first bellydance class because I thought I would never, ever be able to do it. *A* class will for sure make you feel spastic, but I swear, if you just keep doing it every day, you'll be able to. I took private lessons just to learn how to do an undulation.

 

Why do you think it is that musicians have this ego that other kinds of artists don't? A lot of people here have mentioned that. The other writers I know agonize over not being good enough and wonder, on a regular basis, why they even do it. Case in point, the beautiful David Foster Wallace, whose inability to believe in his own worth broke my heart. But I understand it completely. I fight every day to find the belief in my writing to go on. I don't want to become another writer who commits suicide, but I almost achieved that in 2001. Why do so many of us do it? Because in those isolated moments when we stare at the page, we are all alone. We don't have a band to make us sound better.

 

I want an ego. I want even a shred of one. I want to just think I deserve to go on, and to stop basing that on accomplishments that will never be enough. Ah well, DBT to the rescue, I suppose. I'm trying to find a way to believe that I'm as good as the average person on the street, and maybe someday I will.

[quankanne]

Why do you think it is that musicians have this ego that other kinds of artists don't?

 

I've got a friend from college who is a musician, a very well-rounded one and quite good to boot, but you've got to look past his sometimes obnoxious behavior to get to the real "him." Personally, I think it's because he's tried so hard to prove his talent, his ability, his worth, that he can seem a bit over-bearing to someone who doesn't know him. Still, that kind of thing is part of an ego problem, IMO, and if you aren't as brash as that artist (music or otherwise) you fall by the wayside. NOT because you're bad, not worthy or useless, but because you almost have to operate on their level and to their mindset to make your presence known. And I'm guessing that's what happened in your relationship - you were made to feel bad about whatever God-given talent you possess because it wasn't on the same level/area as his. And that is soooooo wrong, because you sell yourself short simply because HE didn't see your innate value.

[lovely81]

I'm going to try to say this as kindly as possible. Sedgwick, your ego is big enough. It's kind of taken over you. You look incessantly in all the wrong places for validation. I know you're in a lot of pain. That pain is real. But you will never get the validation from Joe or the posters on this board that you need to take the pain away. When you paint your picture of Joe, he actually sounds a lot like you. Seeking validation through professional accomplishments. Neither of you seem capable of loving the other in a healthy way. He gave you a valuable opportunity when he left you to stop torturing yourself with thoughts of how you're not good enough. It is my feeling that this is an ongoing issue in your life even if you think Joe is the one who created it . You seem like a competitive person, always trying to measure up to people. And you never will because there's no competition. There's just life. You need to let go, not just of Joe but of these rigid ideas of who you should be.

Only you can bring true peace into your life.

[sb129]

Lovely81, that was a thoughtful post.

 

Sedgwick, please don't take this the wrong way, but I think your grief over your friends death is somewhat misplaced, and it comes across as a little selfish, although I am sure you don't mean it to.

 

Instead of celebrating your friends life, and mourning the fact that it was tragically cut short, it sounds as though you are more concerned about your own losses. You should be taking this opportunity to be glad that your friend had a chance to find someone like Paul during her short time on this earth, and you should be a grateful that you are still ABLE to find someone to be your Paul. Joe is not that person.

 

I too lost a friend to cancer last week, and another close family member of mine is in the last stages of it. It made me more determined not to get hung up on little things and love well- and to give love to the people in my life who are worthy of it, and not to worry about those who don't care about me.

[quankanne]

well, come on people – she's had a double whammy whap her upside the head, and while the loss of her friend is incredibly hard on her, in a way, it's a loss that is resolved because it was a death. Losing a lover by getting dumped isn't as easily resolved, and there's a lot of mixed feelings tied into that relationship.

 

so give it a break. It's not like her friend means any less to her just because she's talking more about her ex ... it just means it's a harder loss to resolve.

 

Sedgwick, your ego is big enough

 

I fail to detect a huge ego in her post – more like a huge void filled with insecurity about what gifts she brings to the table. If it were you or me, we'd be reacting the same way.

[LittleDove]

Im sorry to hear about the loss of Kim, so young, and so blessed with love.

Please take inspiration from her life, and dance in her memory for years to come!! celebrate her life!

Also take note of the experience life has just given you- loosing a young friend, to an incidious disease...

Her life was cut short, and she lost her hopes.....where theres life, theres hope......

 

When you feel insecure, or sad, try to draw strength from her life, and let go of Joe, and all the absolute BS running through your mind. You did NOT waste his time, he stuck around for the good things on offer, didnt he...

Im not here to stroke your ego, but, you KNOW you are worthy, and lovable, and right now, you are just WAY WAY down on yourself...

 

Guess what? the rest of the world can do that, its up to you to love yourself!!

No man wants to be with a girl who deems herself as worthless.

 

And 33 is too young to die. That in itself is a wake up call for this lil dove!

 

rip kim.

[sedgwick]

I just want all of you to know that I love Kim and I love Paul and I've been crying a lot about that and only that. Paul and I have talked every day, and I've told him that as soon as he's ready for me to come and see him, I will. He has offered me her bellydance costumes, which to me is the most precious gift he could possibly give.

 

I don't mean to come across as selfish. I am SO angry at what happened to these two people I love so much (meaning Paul and Kim, not Joe) and it's like all the things that make me sad and angry are kind of piling on top of each other. Yes, I'm sad because I wanted to be Paul for Joe and he wouldn't take it, and I've never given that much of myself to ANYONE, only to be told I wasn't good enough because I wasn't exactly like him. I just don't understand how you can have what he had and just toss it aside. I would treasure that kind of love forever.

 

I'm sorry to anyone I offended. I hope you can understand how Paul's selflessness and love for Kim makes me ache, because I don't have that and it feels like I never will. It doesn't mean I'm any less sad to have lost her. It just means that when I'm sad, I'm sad about a lot of things at once.

 

SB, I am so sorry for your loss. What kind of cancer did your friend have? Kim had ovarian cancer. Okay, I'm crying now, and really, I have to stop crying and write. All I can do is make stuff, because she can't.

 

God I loved her so much.

[sb129]

Thanks. Its tough, although its much tougher for her kids and husband than it is for me.

 

Sedge- you really need to move on. Joe's ghost is haunting you more than a year on from the end of your R. You were doing so well at one point. Don't let this loss be a total emotional setback.

[gwynieatpain]

I'm so sorry about your lost. Big Hug to you Sedgwick.

 

Stay strong.