WTF - H is planning to go to Vegas but family is not invited

[RecordProducer]

I also don't think my H cheated.

Good. Well, you know him best and if you say he's trustworthy, then he is.

 

But to me that's not the point...I want to hear him tell me that even if the trip does happen he will tell them that he isn't going. He knows I want him to say this, but he won't.

OK, I get it now: the squad wants to go to Vegas without spouses. He wanted to fit in and felt like going, but felt uncomfortable with the no-spouses-invited idea, so he procrastinated about bringing it up. Now the rest might go and he is the black sheep who is not allowed by his wife to join the team. Of course, he doesn't want to admit that to the guys. If the other guys don't give a rat's ass about their own wives, he might face their teases and he wants to avoid them. And I think this is fine, because it's not his job to defend his marriage before them; it's his job to tell them that he's not gong - and no questions asked. After all, you don't want him to tell them "No, it's not OK with my wife" (the unspoken part of the sentence being: what can I do, I have to listen to her). His decision to listen to you and take your feelings into consideration is HIS decision.

 

I'd say drop the case at this point. He's not going, he does have respect for you. Chapter closed.

[Lucky_One]

What's the deal with going away with co-workers on vacation without spouses or SOs, anyway?

 

I was reading a thread on another site about Christmas parties, and every OW there was bitching about how horrible it was that companies would invite spouses, bc they want to go to a party with their lover, and that spouses and GF/BFs had no part in company get-togethers.

 

My BF is in HR in a company that has a no fraternization policy, and he says that inviting spouses is one way that they try to keep affairs in check. They give the silent hidden spouse a chance to be seen and known, and make the real life of the lover come forward. He also says that there are so many workplace affairs these days, and that they cause so much havoc in some companies.

 

So if we all know that affairs are common at work, then why the absolute "no spouse" policy on parties and get-togethers? I don't understand company vacations at all; large commitments of time and money should be spent with family and kids, not with people you see 8-10 hours a day anyway.

 

Why are you saying that a ski trip with his squad is ok, but Vegas is not? Booze, hot tubs, and lots of empty condos during the day are as prevalent at a ski resort as in Vegas.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I was reading a thread on another site about Christmas parties, and every OW there was bitching about how horrible it was that companies would invite spouses, bc they want to go to a party with their lover, and that spouses and GF/BFs had no part in company get-together.

 

Funny you should bring this up. I was out of town for a personal event with my H in which the Pres of a company (subsidiary of the one my H works for) was getting married. I initially took issue with it because the XW had been a friend of mine for years and the new W/babies mama was the bride to be (started before the M was desolved). I had no choice unfortunately because of my H's position and friendship. I wasn't the only W/ friend of XW for years who took issue with it.

 

A woman who works for said company with a reputation of using men/ married and not... was hitting on a young married man... who's young married (drop dead gorgeouse wife) was sitting with a few of us observing her behavior and freaking out. We are all saying, she's nothing, leave her be, don't cause a scene.... BUT then I over hear some people talking, around 5 or 6 separately as the night goes on, saying that she is sleeping with/ having an affair with X... who actually, to my dismay, I'ld been asked to buy a baby gift for the week prior.

 

My H comes home tonight and says that apparently she was in the bathroom crying because his W and he were there and didnt take into consideration that there were other W's of employees of that particular city in the bathroom stalls. Apparently all HELL has broken loose in this particular company.

 

I will always be of the belief that companies are either profamily or against depending on their policies regarding spousal involvment in all after hour activities.

[bean1]

OP- I work in law enforcement and I'm sorry, but your husband is a cheat.

 

It is NOT true that all police officers cheat. However, it it very VERY common. There are a few good ones but those ones would never, in a million years, do what your husband does. Those guys are always leaving work early to go home, don't go out drinking "with the squad", or interact inappropriately with female coworkers. It just doesn't happen. DOESN'T HAPPEN!

 

As for Vegas, he either goes alone or not at all. A shift that would go to Vegas does not go with spouses. Only singles (or "pretend" singles) do that. Doesn't happen.

 

Am I correct in assuming that this female coworker is fairly young or at least in her first few years on the force? It's a common cycle - we get a LOT of attention from the majority of men and mistakingly think that this attention will lead to a relationship. Lots of (for the men) meaningless sex and then *poof* you feel like crap. I've been in her position. It sucks. But it will take her some time to realize what a terrible thing she is doing. When she is the victim (trust me, that will happen), she will learn.

 

Since you have already found him on an escort site, know he would go on this trip, and caught him massaging a woman's foot (???), I don't think you would consider separation.

 

All I can suggest is that you get tested for STD's and hopefully find the strength to realize what is going on around you. Sorry.

 

I should also add, he doesn't need to "get a clue". HE KNOWS. He is playing a game. He knows the game, he's been doing it for a while. When you deal with liars 60 hours a week, you get pretty skilled.

[angie2443]

Since you have already found him on an escort site, know he would go on this trip, and caught him massaging a woman's foot (???), I don't think you would consider separation.

 

All I can suggest is that you get tested for STD's and hopefully find the strength to realize what is going on around you. Sorry.

 

I should also add, he doesn't need to "get a clue". HE KNOWS. He is playing a game. He knows the game, he's been doing it for a while. When you deal with liars 60 hours a week, you get pretty skilled.

 

I think this about sums up the situation

[redfathom]

He doesn't drink and never has and he doesn't go out drinking or hang out with the squad that often. They have gone to the movies twice, one with me. They sometimes go to breakfast after work, but otherwise he comes straight home. I really don't think he has cheated, but that doesn't mean I trust that he won't (and that could mostly be my fault). I think he has acted inappropriatly but I feel it's a lack of social skills and that he needs to work on that.

 

Yes, she is young (23) and new to the force, like a year or so. I don't know if she get's the kind of attention you are thnking of, but I am not there so I don't know.

 

Yes, the escort site was very wrong...and he admits the feet thing was too and stopped talking to her after. When he did it he immediatly called me when he got home and told me what he had done and apologiezed for it. He does to this day feel bad about it. He also said, he is now aware of how it happened and how to not let it happen again.

 

I have been tested for STD's and do during my annual pap exam, he knows this and I am very open with telling him this.

 

I do think he is palying a game, yesterday he talked almost endlessly about how sweet it was that I got so jealous. He called it cute and huged me when ever he talked about it. Like he liked me being jealous...

 

I am sorry about what happened to you, but I do think my H is one of those good guys, he just makes mistakes sometimes and needs a little kick in the butt...

 

But yeah, many more mistakes and I am gone and I have told him this.

[redfathom]

So, hubby just called to tell me he got his new schedule and he is going to the day shift, which is awesome. Only bad news, she is also going to the same squad. I was hoping they wouldn't get the same shift. Bummer!

[Nikki Sahagin]

Sometimes I think this site does more harm than good.

 

I mean in sharing a story and asking for opinions, obviously you're going to get some varied answers. But sometimes other peoples opinions put ideas in your head that aren't real. Like the cheating. He might be cheating sure, he might not be. But if he isn't and people have put the idea in your head - that causes problems in itself.

 

It's scary to ask for help sometimes!

[angie2443]

Sometimes I think this site does more harm than good.

 

I mean in sharing a story and asking for opinions, obviously you're going to get some varied answers. But sometimes other peoples opinions put ideas in your head that aren't real. Like the cheating. He might be cheating sure, he might not be. But if he isn't and people have put the idea in your head - that causes problems in itself.

 

It's scary to ask for help sometimes!

 

People who think that he might be cheating think this because they have been down the road before or had seen it happen to other people. They know what the red flags are and see it here. Is he cheating or will he cheat? Only he knows. The wife and the posters here don't. People can only give their opinions based on their experience or observations.

[angie2443]

I forgot to add, when the OP doesn't have anymore questionable behaviors from her husband to post, then people will stop assuming that he's cheating and most likely stop posting on this thread.

[signedin2008]

So, hubby just called to tell me he got his new schedule and he is going to the day shift, which is awesome. Only bad news, she is also going to the same squad. I was hoping they wouldn't get the same shift. Bummer!

 

I think this could be an affair waiting to happen. If they want to have an affair, they don't have to spend a night together to have one. 30 minutes and a motel will do the deed.

[redfathom]

So H had the squad over for movie day...

 

I guess it went well. He did spend time showing them my art work, my MRI pictures and pictures of what the surgery I may have looks like (brain surgery). So it looks like he spent some of time talking about me to all of them (including her). That is a good sign!

 

While at the get together the woman got a text from her best friend that her mother passed away (best friends). She stayed at the get together.

 

Later that night, in front of me hubby called her to to see how her friend was doing...and to give her both of our condolences.

 

I think this is thoughtful, but...I worry about the impression she might be getting.