WTF - H is planning to go to Vegas but family is not invited

November 17, 2008

Female officer proposes long-lost weekend trip to Vegas:

1. she thinks BIL is cute, wants to invite him along

2. but, spouses not welcomed on trip

3. long lost weekend in Vegas now a “bonding” event for the squad

4. she doesn’t want to be the odd one out, hence no spouses ...

5. but one wife has problem with whole fishy event, so now it’s “okay” to have spouses along, of course “she likes wife”

6. end decision: Vegas trip is not going to happen; wife a killjoy

red, this whole damned thing sounds fishy. Maybe your husband ISN'T up to anything, but he's got to be pretty damned thick-headed if he cannot see how wrong this whole proposal is.

a bonding event is a cookout or a day at the shooting range or going fishing/hunting/playing paintball. Not a four-day trip to Las Vegas with explicit instructions to leave the wives at home ... oh, but it's okay to invite the cute BiL?!!

you are NOT a killjoy, you're protecting the investment you have in this marriage, even though your husband just doesn't get it. Unfortunately, it tends to be a husband quirk, not thinking things through then wondering why wifey is pissed off at him

frankly, if it were my husband's chick coworker, I'd be reading her the riot act about planning "no-spouse" weekends – in your husband's profession, I'm guessing that it can be hard even trying to FIND time together because of what his job duties entail!

November 17, 2008

Yeah, he is dense and I told him he is dense...more then he knows. He admitted that he never dated (before me) so he doesn't pick up on signals and he was/is clueless. RP, I know I got permission, maybe I should call her up next time I was to have sex with him too...I think it was all about him, wanting to go, not just because of her, and since she was his accomplice it does seem like it's all about her. But he is to blame for this...I did tell him before the trip was cancelled (which it was because it won't work logictically) that I was putting my foot down and he couldn't go, end of discussion.

Donna, oh there is no way I will give him the okay. I will tell him tonight that if they bring it up again to let them all know that he can't make it.

They should do a ski trip, or paintball, or another day trip together. Not a three night, four day trip to Vegas.

Q, so when I see her at Disneyland next week, should I say something to her? Should I only say something if she bring it up, or should I start the discussion? If she brings it up and I will tell her that what she did is not cool at all...but do I start the topic?

He is having her and two others over for movie day at our house on Thursday while I am at work...great!

November 17, 2008

RF,

Do you work with men? I worked in a small office with 3 men and one other female. Since we did have to run some errands together, the lunch thing came up. One man was older than my father, the other was 14 years younger, and my boss was about my age. All were married. NEVER would I have gone to one of their houses without both spouses in attendance. I did, if we were 100 miles have to do a quick lunch. If we were in town and decided to stop for lunch then I would suggest takeout and to bring something back for everyone.

As a wife, I would have never crossed a boundary that wouldn't be comfortable for me in my own marriage. I worked elbow to elbow with them for most of the day, but I would not EVER have extended it past the work place. As a single woman, maybe she doesn't get it. I would not invite another man into my home that wasn't related or with his SO without my H here. I expect the same. Ofcourse, you could set up some V/A recorders while you are gone to get a good idea what the relationship is between all of them.

November 17, 2008

Q, so when I see her at Disneyland next week, should I say something to her? Should I only say something if she bring it up, or should I start the discussion? If she brings it up and I will tell her that what she did is not cool at all...but do I start the topic?

No! Please don't do that, as tempting as it might be. She is nobody to you; you don't discuss delicate family topics with strangers who happen to be close to your husband. This is between you and your husband only. No matter what you say, you will lose, because you will involve her in your family drama and it will acquire the dimensions of a scandal, even if the talk goes well and quietly. She will feel bad and start gossiping around at your husband's work place. He will feel embarrassed.

Don't give her the ammunition, the attention or the power to control you. When you drag her into your marital arguments, you're giving her the right to interfere; next thing, she will be telling your husband that you're too controlling. You're not two women fighting over one man - he is yours and she is nobody. Don't create a triangle; after all, he goes to lunch with her every day. If you trust your husband to be faithful to you 100%, then she is not significant. Act around her as if this episode never happened.

November 17, 2008

How do I make it more clear with out pushing him away or sounding controlling?

Only you can decide what you're willing to put up with, but if it were me I would tell him if he went on that trip against my wishes not to return.

If the co-workers want to get together and "bond" they could go out to dinner sometime. A trip to Las Vegas, Sin City, What happens in Vegas stays in vegas? No freaking way. Telling a married man his wife can't go along? That is bull****, but I seriously doubt it's true. I think he doesn't want you with because you will spoil his fun. I don't know if that means he's planning to cheat with this co-worker, or visit strip clubs, or go to the Bunny Ranch while he's in Nevada. Maybe it is just so he can be lewd with the guys - in any case it is still completely disrespectful to you.

I wouldn't dream of just heading off on a vacation without fully discussing it with my husband. And if my husband had any opposition to it, I wouldn't dream of going.

Worse case, he's planning to cheat on you. At best, he has zero respect for you.

November 17, 2008

He is having her and two others over for movie day at our house on Thursday while I am at work...great!

I'm sorry. Something's going on. He would not be doing anything with this woman outside of work if he respected you or the marriage.

November 17, 2008

Is it fair for him to say that I don't respect him because I don't trust him. He never brought up the trust issue, or used that against me. But I am sure he is thinking it. Or maybe he expected it to be an issue and therefore just never brought it up.

I do have to be understanding that he is going to have female friends. He assured me after I talked about the Army girl that nothing is going on between them and that they are just friends. He doesn't have many friends so I am happy he found some. But I do think we need to discuss our boundries and if she crosses them he needs to tell her that she 1. crossed one of his boundries, or 2. crossed one of mine and he needs to respect both, just like I will respect both.

November 17, 2008

Haha...Well, I plan on talking to him about it more tonight. I even thought about looking up an emotional affair quiz and having him look at it to see if he can spot any warning signs. I don't want to beat a dead horse but this morning we talked while I was at work and it was a little akward to say the least. So tonight I want to get dinner and really talk about it from start to finish.

At least I can always be honest about my feelings.

I just don't want to the that wife, the one that never lets her husband have fun...I want him to have friends. But I don't want to be disrespected.

How do you balance respect for yourself and respect for your partner??

November 17, 2008

Before everyone jumps onboard that he's cheating, whether EA or PA, doesn't everyone agree that this situation would be worthwhile to discuss with an MC? If redfathom's husband is just being a dense husband, a good MC could help him understand how to handle a situation like this next time so he doesn't get the marriage into hot water. As well, a good MC could illustrate to redfathom whether she did address the situation in a positive manner that promotes cooperation.

I do like the end result of the scenario where he shut down the trip due to her feelings but that didn't happen until after she put her foot down. Could there have been an earlier time for redfathom to have put her foot down and for that matter, how well does her hubby understand what are considered healthy boundaries for a marriage?

November 17, 2008

Red... your H is a cheater... like most police officers.. because they have a uniform... they can get a lot of women.. and they know it .. and that gets to their head...(no pun intended)..

A good friend of mine worked in a police station for over 20 some years.. she said..that they ALL cheat.. no exception.. she saw so many things going on right in front of her.. with secretaries.. female colleagues.. etc.

They can have all the women they want.. and they do...

You caught him on an escort service.. to you honestly think that he has changed..

Usually over the years, it doesn't get better.. but it get worst..

You need to watch him more carefully.. because I would bet my life that something is going on..

November 17, 2008

Q, so when I see her at Disneyland next week, should I say something to her? Should I only say something if she bring it up, or should I start the discussion? If she brings it up and I will tell her that what she did is not cool at all...but do I start the topic?

part of me says to give 'er hell ... but the nice, rational side wants to know first if you've met this girl. Because that might not be a good way to make a first impression

for now, be polite, keep a close eye on her and don't hesitate to let your husband know when he's being a dumb-butt. The whole respect issue will keep coming up in a marriage, because at times one partner just doesn't "get" what he/she is doing affects or bothers or even hurts the other ... sheesh, my dumbass husband *still* can't figure out why I don't like his one friend who was trying to stick his tongue in my ear not long after I met him. That reeks of disrespect, and you'd think my husband would show his loyalties to me, rather than tell me I'm "unchristian for not liking Z" !!!

however, only YOU know just how boneheaded your guy is, so you'll know what to do when the situation arises ... just like you did here, with the proposed Vegas Vacation.

November 18, 2008

I do have to be understanding that he is going to have female friends. He assured me after I talked about the Army girl that nothing is going on between them and that they are just friends. He doesn't have many friends so I am happy he found some. But I do think we need to discuss our boundries and if she crosses them he needs to tell her that she 1. crossed one of his boundries, or 2. crossed one of mine and he needs to respect both, just like I will respect both.

Sorry, but massaging co-worker's feet is much better than going on a trip to Vegas with her.

November 18, 2008

So far you've said he's visited escort services, been caught massaging a specific woman's feet who he was infatuated with, and recently he planned a 4 day fun filled vacation with the female co-worker he lunches with frequently.

One time is a "oops, I goofed". This is the third time he's crossed the boundaries.

I agree with the idea of MC at this point. I think you'd be foolish to pass the idea up. Even if you have to drag your H there kicking and screaming, I'd make the appointment and get his butt there with you. From my perspective, your marriage is teetering on that brink where if you don't fight to pull it from the edge then it's going to crash and burn. And even if I'm dead wrong about the seriousness of the issues, what harm could MC do?

November 18, 2008

You caught him on an escort service.. to you honestly think that he has changed..

Usually over the years, it doesn't get better.. but it get worst..

You need to watch him more carefully.. because I would bet my life that something is going on..

I have to agree with Lizzie here. He's a cheater and I doubt he'll change. I know others have suggested MC. I'd go if he'd agree and see how much effort he'd put into it. I don't think he'll put in much.

You seem to be caught in a pattern of him hurting you and you just taking it. You say things to the effect that he has a right to his female friends and that you feel like you're taking away his fun. He can't handle female friends. He has no respect of you and his fun seems to be at your expense. It's time to put yourself first.

November 18, 2008

When did he visit escort services? During the marriage?

November 18, 2008

First off, visiting escort websites is no indication that he plans on visiting the escorts. Curiosity can result from many things...something he heard or was told come to mind. As a policeman, there is also the possibility that it is job related. I am guessing that he would have told you that though.

Second, I noticed that he will not go to lunch with this female coworker AS OFTEN. Huh? I thought you did not like him going to lunch at all?

Third, planning any trip without telling you is suspicious to say the least. If you had not found out, then what? THAT is the real question here. I cannot imagine planning any trip without my wife knowing. Doing stuff on that trip without telling her is one thing but even then a recounting of the trip would be in order when I came home.

There are plenty of mixed signals coming from him. Yes he can be trusted BUT....

I think the two of you have some talking to do.

November 18, 2008

Red... your H is a cheater... like most police officers.. because they have a uniform... they can get a lot of women.. and they know it .. and that gets to their head...(no pun intended)..

A good friend of mine worked in a police station for over 20 some years.. she said..that they ALL cheat.. no exception.. she saw so many things going on right in front of her.. with secretaries.. female colleagues.. etc.

They can have all the women they want.. and they do...

You caught him on an escort service.. to you honestly think that he has changed..

Usually over the years, it doesn't get better.. but it get worst..

You need to watch him more carefully.. because I would bet my life that something is going on..

Agreed Lizzie. My best friend is a cop (female)... and she has said from day one "I would never, ever set you up with any of the guys I work with"....

A few years ago I went away with her to a ski chalet... about 15 guys and girls in total. I was the only non-cop. Most of the men AND women took their wedding rings off and a whole lot of fooling around happened. I was appalled. According to my gf- this is the lifestyle, and I've witnessed it more than once.

The escort site thing is a huge red flag. I don't think I would have forgiven him for that! Were you two married at the time?

The whole thing seems fishy to me. His co-workers feelings should not take precedence over your feelings... End of story.

You can't obviously pigeon hole every single police officer into the same hole (no pun intended)... But wow, I'd be pissed about this whole thing if I were you OP.

November 18, 2008

I don't think it's fair to typecast him because of his line of work. That's like saying all woman who are thin are because they make themselves throw up. Sure some do and some cops are womanizers. I also don't think my H cheated. He also never met with with an escort, he looked at an escort site. And yes, he visited the websites while we were married.

He admitted that he is not good with friendship, never had been and he didn't know how to handle it. Also, I am okay with him having lunch with her sometimes and as long as he is respectful of me and now that I made myself clear I know he wil be. He said after shift change he probrably won't hang out with anyone on his old squad anyways. Not that it matter.

He also said a lot of things about not wanting to hurt me, etc. And I told him that his actions will tell if that is true and not to test our relationship because I have no problem walking away if I have to.

I also told him that if the Vegas trip get's brought up again, that he needs to tell them that he isn't going.

November 18, 2008

So I just talked to hubby again. He went to lunch with his whole squad so I asked him if Vegas was brought up and he said not really. I said, not really means that it was. He said X (female co-worker) asked him (only) what he thought the probability of the whole squad going to Vegas was and he said he told her not good. I said, well did you tell her the probabilty of you going is zero and he said no. He keeps following up my asking him to committ to not going by telling me that the trip "probrably won't happen". But to me that's not the point...I want to hear him tell me that even if the trip does happen he will tell them that he isn't going. He knows I want him to say this, but he won't.

I have a feeling that if the other guys knew about Vegas and were going he would ask me if he could go...even though I feel like I have made myself very clear on the subject.

Geeesssshhhh, is he every going to get an effing clue! I know, I know...

November 18, 2008

Redfathom, it sounds like you're having the typical hedge, hedge, hedge conversation.

How about something like this?

"It's important to me that you state to this woman that you're not going to Vegas. Can you do this for me, for our marriage? What do you value more?"

November 18, 2008

"Now you're asking me to make a choice!"

"You're damn right I am!!"

oh yes.

Way to go.

November 18, 2008

I did, I told him that next time she asks him about vegas whether for him to go or his opinion he needs to tell her that he can't go and to ask the other team members. That right now it's not good timing but in the future it's not out of the question. I even suggested a squad ski trip or something and he said he thought that would be fun and easier for everyone instead of vegas.

My H and I talked again and he said it's something he is excited to do but he understands that it's not something I am comfortable with and that we need to work on the bigger issue, that vegas is a small part of a bigger issue, my trust issues with him.

He said he respects that and doesn't want to do something that will upset me but that he would one day like to go on a trip with his buddies and we need to work on me getting comfortable with that.

Which I think is fair. We are supposed to talk more tonight and I will suggest MC to help us iron this out...

November 18, 2008

Travelling to Vegas with female friends is not about YOUR insecurities. No more than locking your door at night is about YOUR insecurities. If he wants to go on a trip with the guys that is one thing, otherwise you should be invited. Him travelling with other women for pleasure, is NOT about your insecurities. Besides, I thought he hated Vegas?

November 18, 2008

I did, I told him that next time she asks him about vegas whether for him to go or his opinion he needs to tell her that he can't go and to ask the other team members. That right now it's not good timing but in the future it's not out of the question. I even suggested a squad ski trip or something and he said he thought that would be fun and easier for everyone instead of vegas.

My H and I talked again and he said it's something he is excited to do but he understands that it's not something I am comfortable with and that we need to work on the bigger issue, that vegas is a small part of a bigger issue, my trust issues with him.

He said he respects that and doesn't want to do something that will upset me but that he would one day like to go on a trip with his buddies and we need to work on me getting comfortable with that.

Which I think is fair. We are supposed to talk more tonight and I will suggest MC to help us iron this out...

I don't know if I'm like your husband or not but I'm the type of person who hates being controlled.

The bolded part is where I would get my hackles up due to the detail expressed about when and how I would have to do it, but if you expressed it in the way that explains how the issue affects you, as a person, where it further erodes on your trust of me, then I would be more open to the suggestion.

The alternative solution is a a good idea. You handled that nicely. It proves that you're open to possibilities. On the otherhand, it would once again come under control issues because it's a way for you to control my actions, for your comfort level.

I'm not trying to criticize you for critical sakes. Just giving you a different perspective, from someone who's very independent.

Plse do the MC. While I'm not on the bandwagon that's he cheating, it's a wonderful opportunity for the two of you to be completely honest with each other and an opportunity for an MC to "evaluate" your individual performances for working towards a functional relationship.

November 18, 2008

I agree with TBF. It does not help if you give him scripted responses to future vacations or suggestions from this woman. If he does not make those comments on his own without the feeling that he MUST make those comments, then your marriage can only get worse.

It is necessary that he realizes that this is not about you controlling his life but about him respecting the vows he made regarding his marriage.

While I understand how MC can help, I also think that two people even under such circumstances can have honest and objective conversations about such situations. All that an MC offers is a third party that is allegedly objective. However, if one person does not feel that the MC is objective, then it will do not good. Yet two people can resolve their issues by themselves if they both focus on the needs of the other and express their own needs openly and honestly.

So a good MC can help, but a bad MC will hurt. And two people can fix their marriage if they understand the problems.

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WTF - H is planning to go to Vegas but family is not invited

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