WTF - H is planning to go to Vegas but family is not invited

[redfathom]

I was hanging out with my BIL tonight (my H was at work). My H and BIL had dinner earlier and he was talking about how my h's co-worker thinks my BIL is cute and that she asked my H to invite him to their trip to Disneyland and Las Vegas. I am going to Disneyland with them but that was the first I had heard about a Vegas. I called my H later and asked him what was up, that I heard he was planning a trip to Vegas and he said the squad was talking about going but that family is not invited. I said really because you just invited your brother because your co-worker thinks he cute. He said yeah, but we talked and family is not invited and X (BIL) said he isn't going to go anyways. I asked when they were planning this trip and he said sometime before January.

 

I asked him when they were talking about this and he said just last night. So in less then 24 hours he could ask his brother to go on behalf of a co-worker that my BIL isn't interested in, but I am told that I am uninvited...

 

We talked about the trip to Disneyland and hi co-worker who thinks his brother in cute this morning, but he never once mentioned them talking about going to Vegas. Which makes me feel like he is intentionally keeping it from me.

 

Something sounds fishy to me and I am a little POed. Should I play it cool, or talk to my H about this? I know what he will say to try to guilt me, he will tell me that I need to trust him and that our relationship won't work if I don't trust him. But how can I trust him with this?

 

I mean we havn't even taken a vacation like this, I am going to have surgery in the next few weeks (not yet scheduled) and he hates Vegas. My H doesn't drink and hates clubs. He even wanted to cancel a trip to Vegas for his brothers birthday because he said he would not have a good time...

[quankanne]

if you know any of his coworkers, innocently inquire about the trip, but don't say anything about family not being invited. I imagine you'll find out stuff he's not willing to share.

 

because even IF family wasn't allowed, that's a pretty crappy thing to tell you that you need to trust him but he doesn't bother to give you pertinent information, like about this vegas thing!

[redfathom]

I know his co-workers but I don't see them unless he invites them somewhere. They work graveyard and I work days...The problem is that he seems pretty chummy with the female co-worker and they had dinner last night together, which is when I imagine the conversation happened.

 

I do have trust issues with him and I have told him this. 4-5 years ago I caught him on an escort site.

 

Four years ago he tried to go to Vegas with out me for a work function (charity event). He said he was going to room with someone so they could split the hotel bill and save us money but I told him I really wanted to go. I asked him about it a few weeks later and he acted like we never talked about me going. I had to put my foot down...

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Sounds like you're going to have to put your foot down again.

 

I would. That's bunk!

[angie2443]

I know his co-workers but I don't see them unless he invites them somewhere. They work graveyard and I work days...The problem is that he seems pretty chummy with the female co-worker and they had dinner last night together, which is when I imagine the conversation happened.

 

I do have trust issues with him and I have told him this. 4-5 years ago I caught him on an escort site.

 

Four years ago he tried to go to Vegas with out me for a work function (charity event). He said he was going to room with someone so they could split the hotel bill and save us money but I told him I really wanted to go. I asked him about it a few weeks later and he acted like we never talked about me going. I had to put my foot down...

 

I think he's cheating, either emotionally or physically. If you don't have children together, then you might want to figure out why you are staying with this man and gather the courage to leave him if you can.

[Jersey Shortie]

You have the right to be upset. He is completely disrespecting you. You need to address this with him and not let him guilt trip you. Turn the table on him and ask him how he owuld feel if it was you going to Vegas with another man.

[LucreziaBorgia]

There is no excuse at all for excluding family. It would be different if he genuinely extended the invitation and you said no, but to 'uninvite' right off the bat? You can be assured that the plan is to do things that the family would not approve of.

[signedin2008]

It seems to me that he has cheated and got away with it and he is going to do it again.

[Walk]

I'm still stuck on the why part. It can't be a work thing if the plan was only hatched last night where only your H and his female co-worker were having dinner together. It isn't about vacation free time because you and your H will BE on vacation immediately prior to this. It isn't a guy get away where he just wants to spend time being a crass and uncoth man because his female co-worker will be going. So Why? Why go on vacation to a place you don't enjoy going to at any other time? Which makes you believe the draw is WHO he would be going with. Not where they go. And if it's the who, and the who isn't YOU... then hubby needs to pack his bags and take his happy azz down the road.

 

There are so many holes in his story that it's not even funny. I'm the type who believes men need their space and to do their own thing without their spouses around (same for women), but this story has so many holes you couldn't even use it to sift flour. It'd fall straight through.

[signedin2008]

I'm still stuck on the why part.

 

Isn't it obvious? Because he want to sleep with another woman while he's there. It would be somewhat inconvenient if the wife is there.

 

I think the original poster need to get tested for STD. It's very unlikely that her husband has not cheated at least once in the past.

[Stunned_To_Disbelief]

Has anyone considered WHY did the BIL tell her this & why is the BIL "hanging out" with his brothers wife when he's away? Then there's the why did BIL decide to share this information with his brothers Wife. I wonder about the whole timing, considering her impending surgery, the Disneyland trip etc. It all seems fishy to me.

[redfathom]

Sorry I am just now posting. So I asked H this morning what exactly was discussed and he said they she mentioned they should all do a trip just the squad. He is a police officer and she is the only female on the squad of six or seven. He told me him, her and one other person have talked about it. He said that it would be nice if they could all bond together and with family they "can't be how they are together" because they have to worry about how they act around family. I guess it's because cops can sometimes talk inappropriatly.

 

I don't want to say no...because he is an adult and I should be able to trust him. I could ask him how he would feel but all he would say is that he trusts me...

 

This morning asked him to tell me about there talk and he was vauge. That she mentioned they should do a squad thing no family and then mentioned Vegas. he said he doesn't even see it really happening which is why he didn't mention it to me yesterday. Then tonight we were talking and he told me that they looked at some hotels online together, umm....this was not told to me this morning.

 

So I just told him I am uncomfortable with this and he said it's not meant to be hurtful. But I told him that his single female co-worker has no right to tell the other married co-workers that family can't go...He said not to worry everything will be okay. I asked him what that was supposed to mean and he said that everything would be okay.

 

I am curious if the other wives will be okay with there husbands going to Vegas with out them and if she will bring someone.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't think he's cheating but I do think he's forgotten that there are two people in a marriage. I'm not seeing a lot of respect for your wants, needs or feelings, in reference to the Vegas trip. While I don't have issues with guys time at all, even to the point of going on separate vacations, there needs to be complete disclosure and buy in upfront, by both spouses.

 

Shut him down. This is enough to say that this is a deal-breaker and no one should have to put up with something like this, particular with a mutable story.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I wouldn't be okay with it, red. Not one tiny bit okay with it.

 

My H works with a bunch of single people, guys, mostly, and they put all kinds of ideas in his head about what he should be 'able' to do. Big huge difference between what a few single guys can do and what a married man with a posse of children should do. I've had to put my foot down so hard I knocked a hole in the floor, lol.

[redfathom]

Well, I was thinking about it more and Saturday morning before I found out about the trip from my BIL H and I were talking about her. I told him that I didn't really think their friendship was appropriate and that she kind of acted like she has a crush on him. He said he must be dense because he doesn't see it. So now I am even more upset about him not telling me that a girl I told him I think has a crush on him is planning a three night vacation to Vegas with my husband and the other male co-workers and the wives are not invited.

 

I am going to suggest they do a 1 day ski trip or something...

 

He doesn't seem to care to much that I don't want him to go. He has made that clear.

 

How do I make it more clear with out pushing him away or sounding controlling?

[Jersey Shortie]

Seriously ask him how he would feel if you were going away with a male friend for a trip to Vegas, put him in your spot. He is being completely selfish.

[redfathom]

Oh, I have and he say's he wouldn't care because he trusts me...

 

One other thing he did that was just stupid. He said that one reason they want to do a squad only thing is because the female might feel like a fifth wheel if the wives go. I told him that three people on the squad are married and three people are single, how would she feel left out if there are two single people? Plus I reminded him that she could always bring a friend...

 

But I guess he is more worried about her feelings then mine?!

[Jersey Shortie]

Yes Red, he is being more considerate of her feelings then he is of yours. I really don't see why a man would behave that way unless he had intentions of doing something he shouldn't be.

[RecordProducer]

He is going on a trip and you're not invited?! How disgusting. Is your marriage in a bad shape otherwise? My husband went to a few trips by himself, but our marriage is crappy. I can't possibly imagine a good marriage in which one spouse takes a trip and clearly announces that the other spouse is not invited.

 

You should talk to him about this, big time. If the trip was imagined as a guys' stuff, he should have discussed it with you first. How would he feel if he found out from your sister that you're taking a trip and not intending to invite him?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Actually, maybe you need to take action to make your point. Why not invite your BIL and some of his friends to take a small trip while H is gone. No reason you should have to stay home alone while he's out "bonding".

 

I strongly believe whatever positions that a spouse puts themselves in for "work" should certainly be a position they wouldn't mind their spouse taking for reasons other than work.

 

If you don't want to seem controlling, maybe its time to put the shoe on the other foot.

[RecordProducer]

I wonder WHO IS going to that trip if you and BIL aren't? Your husband alone? Or with the co-worker who is allegedly interested in his brother? Will there be five other guys who will mysteriously cancel their tickets in the last minute and your hsuband will end up going alone (with his female co-worker)?

 

I don't want to work you up, but this indeed sounds very fishy. I can't imagine any self-respecting woman inviting herself to a trip to Vegas because her co-worker's brother is kinda cute. When you like somebody, you go out with them first, you don't go on a vacation with them. I ahve a feeling that your husband is having an affair with that co-worker.

[redfathom]

So I just got off the phone with my husband. He said he told his female co-worker that I am uncomfortable with him going with out me to Vegas and she said she was sorry and that I could of course go. And that she likes me...

 

I also told him again, that I think his relationship is inappropriate and that it reminds me of his relationship with the female in the Army (where he massaged her feet) and he said he thought I might be feeling that way. He told me the girl in the Army and him were not friends and that what he did was inappropriate and he feels bad about it and that he never wants to do anything to hurt me. He then said that his current co-worker and him are friends and I said that is fine, but since I am uncomfortable with it he needs to not hang out with her so much and he agreed and said he would not go to lunch with her as often. He again told me that he loves me and never wants me to feel uncomfortable

 

He also said the Vegas trip is not going to happen. I am such a killjoy

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Well, good. Atleast she knows that you expect boundaries to be upheld. That's your right as his partner, as much as it is your right to lock your car and home each night to protect it from possible intrusions. Infact, its your responsibility.

[angie2443]

He also said the Vegas trip is not going to happen. I am such a killjoy

 

You are not the killjoy, your husband is! He should have never planned a trip like this and he knows it. If he had love and respect for his family, he would not put you in a position where you have to say no to a trip. He would have said no in the first place. Be careful that he does not lay any future guilt trips on you for this.

[RecordProducer]

He said he told his female co-worker that I am uncomfortable with him going with out me to Vegas and she said she was sorry and that I could of course go. And that she likes me...

SHE said you could go with your husband?!?!?!?!? :confused: And she likes you? Who the hell is she to approve of you taking a trip with your own husband?

 

Please re-read your post and notice how it's all about the co-worker. The BIL suddenly disappeared from the equasion and it's him and her, lunches together, trips together... Geez, what's going on there?

 

He also said the Vegas trip is not going to happen. I am such a killjoy

And who exactly was supposed to go to Vegas, since you and BIL weren't going in any case? It seems like the three of them planned to go - minus BIL.