Broke up, and he 'needs time apart' - what does that even mean?

[sosad85]

My boyfriend and I were together for a year and a half. We're 24 and 23, for reference (aka we're not teenagers). For the most part our relationship was great, but our biggest problem was disagreement on seeing each other -- for him, 3 days a week is enough to see me; to me, the thought of putting a limit on it is weird and I need more together time. Not every single day, but 4 days maybe? So every 3 months or so we'd argue about it, then decide to work on it.

 

My compromise was to let him dictate when we saw each other, I basically stopped asking to see him and let him set things up when he wanted. Sometimes it drove me crazy, but I didn't want him to think I was clingy. It was ok.

 

But last Saturday things kind of exploded, and the same argument wound up surfacing. Only this time, we (mostly he) decided to break up. We both cried, and he said he "needed time to think about things". So I gave him this whole week, went through misery and other various personal tragedies (death of a friend) without caving and talking to him, and finally gave in this afternoon via text message.

 

it went something like this:

 

Me: I don't like being broken up with you

Him: It's no cake walk

Me: Isn't there something we can do to figure things out?

Him: I don't know what there is to figure out, I see no resolution

Me: When 2 people love each other and want to find a resolution, they can, and i can't figure out why you're just giving up

Him: You're overdependent, it's not healthy

[insert my fury/heartbreak here]

Me: Since when is it overdependent to be with someone for a year and a half and want to try to work things out? I gave you space when you needed it, I stopped pushing to see you, and that's still overdependent to you?

Him: But you didn't, that's what happened Saturday, you internalize everything and get sad. I really need time apart

 

etc etc

 

Basically, he said a week was too soon to talk about it, he thinks "we need time apart and then we'll see".

 

I wanted to work on it now because being apart is breaking my heart and I don't know why we went from being so happy and in love just last week to being broken up and sad.

 

So, people, does this mean he's really moving on, or is he just cooling down and maybe he'll come around? We really truly loved each other, and it's just so shocking that he'd go from loving me to, well, this. When I think about it I think he'll want me back in the future because we were so damn happy...... but I don't want to hold on to something when he's already checked out.

 

I'm... very torn up about this. Any insight or experiences is helpful. Thanks

[norajane]

So every 3 months or so we'd argue about it, then decide to work on it.

 

Him: You're overdependent, it's not healthy

[insert my fury/heartbreak here]

Me: Since when is it overdependent to be with someone for a year and a half and want to try to work things out? I gave you space when you needed it, I stopped pushing to see you, and that's still overdependent to you?

Him: But you didn't, that's what happened Saturday, you internalize everything and get sad. I really need time apart

 

we were so damn happy......

 

When was the last time you were 'so damn happy'?

 

Doesn't sound like either of you were happy for as long as this issue has been festering. You weren't happy about how often you saw each other, and he wasn't happy with you silently being miserable about it - and not so silently every 3 months.

 

I don't know if he'll want to keep seeing you or not. I do know he's told you exactly what he needs right now, which is time away from you to clear his head and figure out how he feels about you and being in a relationship with you. Obviously, a week was not enough. This time, don't contact him. Let him be the one to contact you when he's had time to sort through this in his head and talk with you.

[sosad85]

When was the last time you were 'so damn happy'?

 

Honestly, when it wasn't an overt issue we were always very happy - even Saturday morning before all this happened. What would happen is, we'd have plans to hang around and he'd wanna hang out with friends instead -- I have no problem with him seeing friends, obviously, but I'd get annoyed and hurt that he'd kind of put me on the back burner and choose something else over me. That's what happened Saturday -- he wanted to go smoke pot with friends, after we were together on a nice romantic daytrip, and I got upset with him.

 

When we were together, and even when we didn't see each other, we were very happy b/c we'd talk on the phone and communicate throughout the day, I just wanted more physical closeness than he did I guess.

 

But you're right, I definitely won't be contacting him next time. he needs more time, he'll have it.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I think he is letting you down in the most humane way he can. I don't think he needs time to figure out things, so much as he just wants time away period.

[Angel1111]

Contrary to popular belief, love is not enough to hold a relationship together. Hon, I have never in my life had a bf limit the number of days per week we saw each other. As a matter of fact, they wanted to see me pretty much every day - especially after we dated for awhile. Hate to say it but he's either not that nuts about you, he's interested in someone else, or he gets panic attacks about being in a committed relationship. And in any of those scearnios, the solution is to walk away completely because this is a battle you cannot win.

 

What concerns me is that he seems to dictate every decision in this relationship and if you don't comply to his wishes, then he withdraws and says it's your fault. There seems to be little or no compromise and, in my book, that's called 'control'. It's total nonsense. Personally, I think it would shock the crap out of him when he decides to contact you again (because he will) and you tell him that the time away has cleared your head and you've decided that this relationship is not for you and you're done with it. That should take him down a few notches, which is exactly what he needs.

[norajane]

Honestly, when it wasn't an overt issue we were always very happy - even Saturday morning before all this happened. What would happen is, we'd have plans to hang around and he'd wanna hang out with friends instead -- I have no problem with him seeing friends, obviously, but I'd get annoyed and hurt that he'd kind of put me on the back burner and choose something else over me. That's what happened Saturday -- he wanted to go smoke pot with friends, after we were together on a nice romantic daytrip, and I got upset with him.

 

When we were together, and even when we didn't see each other, we were very happy b/c we'd talk on the phone and communicate throughout the day, I just wanted more physical closeness than he did I guess.

 

But you're right, I definitely won't be contacting him next time. he needs more time, he'll have it.

 

Why is it so hard for you to admit that you haven't been happy for a long time? Not "we", but you.

 

This issue has been there for a long time. Underlying everything, your daytrip, and even those calls and texts or emails. How often did you hope he'd be calling to ask to see you, or that he'd text to invite you somewhere with him? How often did you wonder how long he'd stay, and how often did you get upset when he'd decide to leave?

 

There really is an issue here. Don't sweep your feelings under the rug just because you want him back so badly. And don't be quick to dismiss his unhappiness and discomfort, too.

 

If he told you next week that he wants to be with you, I'm guessing you'd want to take him back and would feel happy about it. What if nothing changed after that? What if he still stuck to only wanting to see you a few days a week? Would that work for you? Would you be happy?

 

I know you want to work through this with him, but if he doesn't want to work through it too, then it won't actually work.