BrotherD Posted November 15, 2008 Posted November 15, 2008 My thoughts are as follows... Instead of lamenting the how and why of these EMR's why not approach it as follows? 1.) No amount of manuevering gets around that they are in a primary relationship...Even if they hate each other guts, or are staying together for the kids, real estate, finances etc...THEY ARE IN A PRIMARY RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE ELSE...There is comfort and solace in knowing that until that ends...THERE IS NO WAY AROUND IT. Back and forth reconcilations are futile as the root problem is still there...This alone should pop the "pressure valve " of this predicament... There isnt anything we can do until they are single. So it isnt because were not pretty enough or our teeth arent white enough or what ever thing we're telling ourselves in bed in the darkness... 2.) There is no guarrentee that they would choose you after the relationship ends either...They certainly arent choosing us now, so why hold our breath and wait around for a result that for all intents and purposes has been revealed already? 3.)Really what are we missing in the meantime? A whole lot of horse**** that's what! Unitl they make up their mind (or not) we can skip all the bizarre provacative behavior! No more hearing about the BS, or the wierd phone calls where they say "I Love you " etc...We get to miss all of that!!! That alone should be reason to rejoice!!!! No more ridiculous scenarios.... 4.) For all intents and purposes, these marriages/relationships that we are privy to as OM/OW are essentially "roommate" situations. The marriage has been dead for along time. People who are happily married dont screw around. Problem is, they've established a routine as roommates and the "devil you know is better than the devil you dont know..." is in full force here...What it boils down to is these MM/MW's are lazy. Caught in a rut in a dead end marriage that requires too much fuss to bust up....The epitome of DESPAIR. Be thankful that we are free and single and have the option of inventing our lives anyway we want.... 5.) So I say call it off! Dont call back! Dont even give a reason why...Just go AWOL. The silence will kill 'em! Any participation sends a message that we are on the hook and "in the game..." When we're gone (and they'll miss us,) they'll be left to their tawdry, miserable life! We are free to dance off into the sunset unencumbered by a dumb shyte marriage!!!! There are more fish in the sea...millions more. Better, heathier, nicer "fish" to boot! Think of it as buying a new car...The old one, as much as you love it, has become a pain in the rear....How exciting is it to go pick a new, better one that is perfectly suited to us? The analogy may be simplistic (and tired), but folks we should be excited not blue...
OpenBook Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 4.) For all intents and purposes, these marriages/relationships that we are privy to as OM/OW are essentially "roommate" situations. The marriage has been dead for along time. People who are happily married dont screw around. Problem is, they've established a routine as roommates and the "devil you know is better than the devil you dont know..." is in full force here...What it boils down to is these MM/MW's are lazy. Caught in a rut in a dead end marriage that requires too much fuss to bust up....The epitome of DESPAIR. Be thankful that we are free and single and have the option of inventing our lives anyway we want.... Amen Brother - I think you nailed it exactly!! I cannot imagine living in a dead marriage, it would be a living nightmare to me. Night of the Zombies. Dead Men Walking. No thank you -- I want to LIVE. It feels so good to be free!! :bunny:
TooConfused2 Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 My thoughts are as follows... Instead of lamenting the how and why of these EMR's why not approach it as follows? 1.) No amount of manuevering gets around that they are in a primary relationship...Even if they hate each other guts, or are staying together for the kids, real estate, finances etc...THEY ARE IN A PRIMARY RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE ELSE...There is comfort and solace in knowing that until that ends...THERE IS NO WAY AROUND IT. Back and forth reconcilations are futile as the root problem is still there...This alone should pop the "pressure valve " of this predicament... There isnt anything we can do until they are single. So it isnt because were not pretty enough or our teeth arent white enough or what ever thing we're telling ourselves in bed in the darkness... 2.) There is no guarrentee that they would choose you after the relationship ends either...They certainly arent choosing us now, so why hold our breath and wait around for a result that for all intents and purposes has been revealed already? These two points are excellent and easy to forget for some of us (me included). What these both boil down to is: live life in the present - don't live in the past or in the future, just learn to accept things as they are. I can learn from that one. For number two, my own predicament has shown me that it is not always as simple as "they aren't choosing us now". Sometimes that is false, and they are choosing you in their own way, over the current relationship. I did say "sometimes". However, it is a very real and valid concern that, if things ended, they may not choose you, so there's no point in obsessing over it. Another place where I know it and I get it, but I need to convince myself to live by it.
frannie Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 First post made me smile, thanks BrotherD . There's far too little of 'thinking outside the box' on here at times. For number two, my own predicament has shown me that it is not always as simple as "they aren't choosing us now". Sometimes that is false, and they are choosing you in their own way, over the current relationship. I did say "sometimes". However, it is a very real and valid concern that, if things ended, they may not choose you, so there's no point in obsessing over it. Another place where I know it and I get it, but I need to convince myself to live by it. I agree with the idea that yes, they are choosing us over their current relationship in many ways. All that time and emotional investment, we hear how it's being 'leached' from the marriage and yes, it's going to us. And that can be great, but incredibly frustrating. In answer to the point of 'he might not choose you' even if he left? So what? We might not choose them either, especially after being messed around for years. There's no obligation on either side, quite frankly.
quirkyalonegrl Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 I`d rather be alone & happy (free to be myself) than in a loveless relationship (trying to please another)! I am actually looking forward to getting older and being a "old spinster" with several cats/dogs. I would scare little kids away from my house and make em think I was a scary lady,living alone.lol
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