New here...first post...marriage issues/husband infidelity

[falllover]

I am going to make this brief, but feel free to ask questions to pull more info. out of me. This seems like a good community; I have a lot of reading to do.

 

I am 35 (36 in about a week); have been married to DH for 12 1/2 years. He is 33. For a few years we've been having problems, growing apart. He became resentful of me developing friendships and choosing to spend time with them over him when we moved into a new neighborbood (from mostly rural living, no neighbors). Nothing in inappropriate - all female friendships. He has treated me very harshly over this (emotionally mostly), only driving me further away. In January, he had sex with a complete stranger he'd "met" (no photos or names exchanged) on cragislist hours before. I knew it was going on and happening because he'd been "trolling" for this for a few months (I'm much smarter than he is in general and esp. on the computer and knew his passwords, etc.). I allowed it to happen to see how far it would go.

 

I kicked him out but let him come back after a few weeks because we have two kids (6 and 7) who adore him and we do not fight in front of them (well, not often). We don't fight all that much at all.

 

Our relationship has continued to deteriorate despite him doing everything he can (aside from counseling) to make things right. He is nicer to me in every way. I can't forgive.

 

Now it has gotten to the point that I'm almost repulsed by sex with him. I feel violated when he touches me, although I'm ok with the actual act of intercourse and do reach climax and have a desire to do that - but all that leads up to it? I feel like he is molesting me and I hold back tears, or actually shed them and hide them during sex. I do not want to have sex with him, and since sex is so important to him, it is ruining everything.

 

I've seriously considered ending this - we both have - but the conversation goes in circles because of the kids the disruption to their lives.

 

Has anyone been hurt by infedilty (esp. something to disgusting like unprotected sex with a stranger) and been able to get back feelings/respect for their spouse?

 

I was in counseling for a while alone (stopped when insurance changed, but am going to go back) and we went 3 or 4 times together but hated the guy (he was way too shallow for our deep issues). DH won't go alone - doesn't think he needs it. He thinks he did what he did out of sin and being away from God. All he needs is his Bible. To his credit, he has changed and I'm the one who can't get the feelings back and can't forgive.

 

Sorry this is so jumbled....he will be home soon and he gets mad when i'm on the computer.

 

I'm looking forward to becoming involved in this community .

[PandorasBox]

First off, I'm sorry this has happeend.

 

I'm not real sure why you would let what you know was going on, to continue just to see how far it might have gone. You now see how far it really went. I'm sure its possible he might would have gone ahead with things even if you had intervened before it went as far as it did.

 

However, it really doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me. Never stay for the kids. He doesn't think he needs counseling because he doesn't want to deal with the issues you all have. That will not get either of you anywhere, and if anything it will keep you stuck where you are. It is good you are going though.

 

When my husband cheated a few years back, I kicked him to the curb. Cheating was a deal breaker for me though. Plus we didn't have any kids so it was a little easier. If you feel you can not forgive, then IMO its best to end it.

[imagine]

You are entitled to quit.

 

You are also entitled to forgive. But you need to realize that recovery may take some time. I have heard estimates of around two years for recovery times.

 

Marriage counseling can be a lucky dip enterprise. There are no guarantees that you will hit on a good one. If you have the money contact the Harley's at Marriage Builders. Their methods allow effective results. This is not my own testimony but rather that of hundreds of posters on the marriagebuilders.com forum.

 

I DO give my personal endorsement to the articles on that site.

 

Also you can seriously accelerate your understanding to the circumstances that you now find yourself by reading the book "Surviving an Affair" - Dr Harley as well.

 

Please keep posting here.

[annieo]

Why does he get mad when you are on the computer? Or upset about you having friends?

The affair he had is bound to cause some aftershocks in the sex department, but I'm picking up on some control issues as well.

Sometimes people who are cheaters assume that there partner is up to the same stuff themselves. Rightly or wrongly. He shouldn't be punishing you for what he's done.

[falllover]

First off, I'm sorry this has happeend.

 

I'm not real sure why you would let what you know was going on, to continue just to see how far it might have gone.

 

I'm not sure either. I guess it was part denial. Part pride; not wanting to admit to all the snooping I was doing. Part wishing for a valid excuse to blame everything on him and have an excuse to end it? Not sure....but that (ending it) didn't happen. I also don't blame everything on him.

[falllover]

Why does he get mad when you are on the computer? Or upset about you having friends?

 

Yes, definitely control issues. Self esteem too....he has issues with feeling like he's not #1.....which right now, he is not. Vicious cycle of him treating me poorly so seeking valiidty in friends, etc., him getting shut out, feeling like he wasn't #1, etc.....

 

No matter what happens....if we stay together and he never ever cheats again....there will still always be the issue of him not liking that I'm more social than he is.

[wuggle]

First question I think you should be asking is 'do you still love him ?'. If the answer is no then please dont try staying together for the kids, it can just make life awful for them, it might be better to split amicably rather than live together blaming each other all the time in front of them. If the answer is 'yes' or 'possibly' then best place to start is by putting the issue of blame to one side for now. If you want to repair your marriage then I suggest you find a better counsellor and both go. It does sound like he needs some counselling for himself but it might be better for the counsellor to suggest individual counselling rather than you as he won't see this as you having a go at him. Re the computer thing, I quess he will be a bit annoyed if he finds you on the computer if that was how you found out about his indiscretion in the first place, he might be feeling that you are spying on him all the time etc. It MIGHT help (only you would know though) if you made it clear that you were using the computer for you own personal stuff and give him some gaurantees that you aren't snooping all the time. God luck, hope life gets better.