deadman1959 Posted November 15, 2008 Posted November 15, 2008 I met my Wife of 22 years, 29 years ago, We dated for 2 years and lived together for 5 years, Now married for 22 years as of today November 22, 2008. With 3 very Beautiful Children, My oldest Daughter in College, My Son in 10th Grade, and the last Son in 5th Grade. In the last five years We have had some problems, Finances, Relationship issues, I know that it has not just been me to blame, it is both of us, But I am the one who wants to keep this marriage going, I do not want to get a divorce or separation, I do not want to abandon my children or wife. I have a lot at stake, I would lose everthing, The main things I would lose are My children, and that would devastate me. My wife does'nt want to try and keep it together, Hate to say it, but it makes me feel like she is seeing someone on the side, but when I ask her about this, she gets really defensive. Right at the moment her sister and her husband have just got separated and are now living apart, her sister has a bad case of depression, I feel my wife is the same way depressed, but when I mention this she also gets defensive about it, and tries to make me feel like it's all my fault, granted part of it is my fault, but not all. After my oldest was born, my wife seemed to forget about me. Lord, I'm just rambling now, I just confused. I pray everyday, that she will change and think about what we are going to lose, but I'm sure this is not going to happen.
Curmudgeon Posted November 15, 2008 Posted November 15, 2008 Not fun, is it? Unfortunately, or maybe not unfortunate, a marriage can only survive if both parties want it to and are willing to put in the hard work to make it happen. You may be confused (natural) but you weren't rambling. What you expressed is a very common scenario and range of feelings. Once children arrive it's not uncommon for "Dad" to get a bit lost in the shuffle. It happened to me and it's happened to many others. Some parents just seem incapable of maintaining an equitable balance between the nurturing of the children and the commitment to the other parent and the marriage. Be sure of one thing. You would NOT lose the children. You may lose time with them but they will still always be your children. In my case the ex did her level best to alienate me from all five of my children. She succeeded with the two youngest for 10 years but in the end, they reached out to their father who had always found ways to let them know he was there for them and loved them. Now, 14 years following the divorce, all five are adults, there are six grandchildren and the ex has relationships with none while my wife and I have lovely relationships with all. i know it looks dim right now but however it ultimately turns out, you'll be fine in the end. Just believe in yourself.
LookinFWD Posted November 15, 2008 Posted November 15, 2008 The only thing you can do is go to a lawyer and spend an hour with them and get educated on your rights and what would likely happen. Then probably the best thing to do is to call her bluff if she is bluffing and tell her you have no problem with divorce although you want to reconcile she is not acting as though she wants to so you are forced to move on. Explain to her that you want you both to work on the marriage and stay together and that you do not think that divorce and all that it brings is the solution. Make her take ownership of it being HER solution. Then get prepared, let her know you have seen several lawyers and you are going to go to a therapist, your friends and family are going to help you get through this. Show confidence and that you are strong in the face of her being a quitter. If she is capable of staying in it she will. If not then you are lucky and can move on. You are forcing consequences, accountabilty and forcing her to make a decision and being responsible for it. Otherwise you'll just spin your wheels. Getting things to a head is the right way to go. You have to be strong or at least act like it and show her you are prepared and have many people to support you. A lawyer can tell you what you will and most importantly WONT lose. You will not lose as much as you may think but if it is not meant to be anymore you will at least get back time wasted in a non functional relationship. Life is short.
skinman Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 deadman1959, I feel for you friend I am in almost the same situation as you speak my wife of 15 years threw me out of the house 3 weeks ago today. I tell you it was the hardest thing i have ever done leaving my children. i didnt even get the chance to say goodbye the night she asked me to leave it nearly broke my heart. I was the only one who wanted to try and save our marriage and tried everything i could do but she was determined to end it all. She said "I no longer love you and could never think of spreading my legs for you again" Take the advice and see an attorney I did and found out my leaving wasnt such a ba thing after all. He said it will look better for me that I left than if I had stayed and things got ugly. I am like you in that I want my marriage to go on and be able to watch my kids grow. This is my second marriage the first ended after a few years but I always regreted that i could only be a part time dad. My ex. made my life a living H**L. Good luck to you and best wishes your in for a rough ride....... I know I am still on the ride and cant get off.
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