Lost the love of my life-and it's my fault. How do I deal with the guilt?

[muse2337]

Hi-I've never done anything like this before, but I'm at the end of my rope. I'll try to keep it as brief as I can.

 

I'm a 28 year old undergrad at a huge university. I wasn't mature enough to succeed in college right after high school, piddled around for a while, found some direction, and got back into school. Got here almost 4 years ago, and I graduate in a month. I was single when I enrolled, and didn't know really anyone (all my friends I grew up with were done by then). No biggie-kept to myself and concentrated on school. I was a little lonely, but I was good. After the semester, I stayed with my folks for the summer. I met F that summer. Actually, we went to H.S. together, knew who each other was, but never interacted back then. We hit it off immediately, and there really was an incredible connection from the start. She was-is-everything I wanted in a girl: smart, beautiful, kind, etc. She had just graduated and was back home while she looked for a job. After the summer, she came with me back to school (about 3 hours away) and we moved in together.

 

She found a job quickly, and I was in school. Everything was great. We've been together for the last 3 1/2 years. Over that time, however, some problems have arisen, mostly because of me. I have problems with my anger-I've NEVER hit/hurt her, but I've yelled and screamed and punched the wall. I'm a worrier too, so I'd stress myself out needlessly over school and work, and she ended up feeling the brunt of that. She also wanted to get married, or at least engaged, but I wanted to put that off until I graduated. I really did want to marry her, but I'm sure I gave her the impression that I didn't. The past year has been especially difficult. I got real wrapped up in school, and our relationship suffered. We wern't going out as much, I'd end up falling asleep in the living room at night, sex life suffered, etc. I always made sure she knew how much I loved her, but some of my actions definitely contradicted that. I had an internship over the summer, so we didn't see each other as much either. She wanted me to see someone to work on my anger/stress issues. I agreed, but with school and work and the internship, I just kept putting it off. We decided a few months ago that I would move out so I could focus on my final semester of school while she adjusted to a new job. We both wanted to stay together, but we knew this would be a hectic time, so we wanted to make sure we each had a little space during these few months. However, we had a few (minor) arguments before the move, and I flaked out on her a couple of times when we were supposed to go out. About 6 weeks ago, I was supposed to meet her and some of our friends for some drinks. I ended up falling asleep on the couch and missed our date. She was furious, said that was the last straw, and she wanted me to move out immediately. I gathered up a few things and left the next night. Since then, we have had almost no contact. She emailed me and said that she feels more and more distant from our relationship, and how she never wants to go back to the way things were.

 

This has devastated me in a way that I never thought possible. About a week into it, I showed up at the house and cried and begged for forgiveness (which I now know is the exact wrong thing to do). She wasn't really having it. Since then, I've almost completely fallen apart. I don't go to class, I barely work, I can't eat, can't sleep, can't do anything. I think I know it's over, but I'm consumed by the guilt of knowing that this has happened because I failed to do the things I said I would do-spend more time with her, get some counseling, spend less time playing video games. I've been seeing a psychiatrist (which I've never done before), but I am still so depressed. I miss her so much-and I know that it's my fault that I do. I can't imagine having to live the rest of my life knowing that I pushed away an amazing woman. I'm terrified of having that guilt hanging over me. What can I do? How do I carry on? I'm really in a bad place mentally right now. I'm sorry for making this so long, but I needed to get some of it out. Thanks for listening.

[amaysngrace]

In times like it's hard to find the right words to say. If anything you can be glad that you were only BFand GF because getting divorced sucks.

 

You need to work on yourself. Use this time to get your crap together so that you are better prepared and can be a better BF the next time an amazing girl comes into your life.

 

If my BF slept on the couch a lot, blew me off in front of my friends and punched holes in my walls I would never ever marry him.

 

Work on yourself and let her find happiness elsewhere. You had your shot. You blew it. If you were meant to be with her forever you'd have straightened up your act for a future with her. You didn't.

 

So you may think the world of her now that she's gone but at the time she didn't mean that much to you really, now did she?

[emmanuel]

I feel your pain, do not beg her, you have to be strong, its very hard, I am at the same place as you are, I feel like my only and true love has left because of my actions. I am devastated but I do not call neither email or want to see her in person, the more begging the more she will run away.

Cut all contacts and try to move on.....be strong......I am with you on this.

[2angry]

Think about a few things (they are obvious):

1. Why do you want to get back with her? Is it predominantly because of your guilt? Because you want to prove to yourself that you can be the guy, you now think you should've been?

 

2. As has been said before many times, the person breaking up with you usually tends to make you feel guilty by emphasizing all the mistakes you've made, but remember the fault lies somewhere in the middle.

 

3. I'm going through the same thing, so believe me I know how nasty guilt is. I know that learning from your mistakes, so that your next relationship will be better is hardly a consolation right now. I have noticed that a big part of guilt is connected to a bruised ego. It seems that you took her a bit for granted, didn't give her the attention she demanded, which proves that you were too comfortable in the relationship, sure she wouldn't ever leave you. So having lost control over her and the relationship is obviously a blow. All of the sudden she becomes extremely desirable precisely because she's no longer always available. You see her in a different light: all of the sudden she's more beautiful, the times you spent were more fun, she was smarter and warmer. Guilt makes us a bit delusional.

Just remember your desire to get back with her has as much, if not more, to do with your ego, than with her as a person.

[Angel1111]

Well, you've had a lot of things going on at once and it seems that although you do have anger issues - and most women HATE IT when men can't control their tempers - she wasn't being very understanding about your situation and the pressures of college, either. So what? You fell asleep and missed a date. It happens when you're dancing to several tunes. But she may not have been able to overlook small things because she couldn't see beyond your anger. Putting your fist through the wall would've done it for me. Anger translates into basically two things for women: 1) it says that this is not a man who's in control and, therefore, he's not someone she can trust or lean on, and 2) when it's directed at her, it makes her feel hated; i.e., unloved.

 

Personally, anger is a huge dealbreaker for me and, if it were me, it wouldn't be fixable because it's been my observation that most people don't change unless the motivation is very, very high. But, it also seems that once that motivation is removed, the behavior rears its ugly head again.

 

I'd say pull yourself together and get yourself through this last phase of college. You have worked too hard to let this slip now. If you can't do that, then it just shows again that you don't have any self-control or discipline. Regardless of the fact that you couldn't decide what you wanted to do when you were younger, that's a huge accomplishment to have gotten through it the way you did, and when you did. I admire you for that.

 

You seem to be pretty introspective so maybe you can lick your anger problem now that you know how it affects women. I'm not one to encourage begging, but I'm also not one to encourage men to stop contacting someone they want to get back together with. While this works the other way around - for a woman not to contact a man - it has the opposite affect with women. Distance and no contact translates into not caring and not loving her. So, if you want her back, you'll need to resume contact at some point. If you let a little time pass, things will cool down way more than you think. I'd say give it a few weeks, get yourself through college, and then open up lines of communication again. You may be surprised at the results. But if you give up hope right now, you're doomed. If you remain hopeful, then that's half the battle. Women love for a man to show he loves her. But she doesn't like it when it comes from a place of weakness. That's why waiting and letting things cool off is a good idea.