TheRock Posted November 15, 2008 Posted November 15, 2008 Last Sunday my GF and I got together for the 1st time since our big fight a week before that. We both said we wanted to continue seeing eachother. She then told me she was going to have a busy week coming up (meaning this past week). She's a teacher and had conferences, meetings, etc a few nights. She called or texted me every day\night, ending with I Love You or xoxo. Today, she said she was going home and going to bed, she was beat and felt like she was coming down with something. I asked if she'd like to do dinner tomorrow and she said she was thinking of going to a wine tasting tomorrow, Would I Like To Go? I said, sure sounds fun. She proceded to say "I just want to make it clear that it's not written in stone though that we'll go". Our fight a few weeks ago, and all the ones before that were about how when we have plans to go out, they get cancelled cause her dad interferes and always has things for her to do, or she's so upset from fighting with him, that we wind up staying in. Last week we cancelled plans last minute to go to the City for the day, cause her father gave her a guilt trip that she doesn't love her family if she doesn't stay home and rake the yard. She was upset she had to cancel. Should I think that's what she was referring to when she said "it's not written in stone" or is she still bitter about our fight? Can't tell where she's coming from. While she asked me to go tomorrow, she didn't make an effort to do anything with me all week (but she was busy) and I don't know if she would have asked me to go tomorrow if I hadn't asked her to dinner. She didn't text me goodnight tonight, but she may have gone right to bed. It's happened before. Am I over-reacting to all of this?
Angel1111 Posted November 15, 2008 Posted November 15, 2008 I don't think you're overreacting. I would wonder the same thing. Especially about whether she would've invited you or not. But maybe once she decided she was going for sure, she planned to bring it up. The problem is, by letting her father interfere wtih her plans, she's showing no respect for you. She's an adult and it's ridiculous for her to let her father control her like that. It would irriate me in a big way. She probabaly is still pissed or emotionally drained from the fight. I don't recommend getting into arguments with her over this but you can set your own boundaries about it. What's the deal with this relationship she has with her dad? Does he live with her, or does she live with him? I don't get it. I can't stand parents who manipulate their kids. It's so pathetically stupid.
Author TheRock Posted November 15, 2008 Author Posted November 15, 2008 She's 31 and lives with her parents still. She's tried to get out and get an apartment, but her dad talks her out of it and says she should buy instead. He's giving her a substantial amt of $ and every house she finds, HE finds fault in and she doesn't buy it. Her dad and mom don't get along well and don't do anything together. Her dad has even said he doesn't want my GF to leave cause he won't know what to do if it's just him and her mom. He wants to do everything with my GF...Go to hockey games, take hobby classes together, travel to europe, etc...Basically everything he should be doing with his wife and I should be doing with her. He basically tells her "if you don't do 'x' with me, you don't love me", so she gets upset. He never let her go to slumber parties or Sweet 16's with her friends, etc... A few weeks ago, my GF was in bed (In her panties) and called my apartment to say goodnight. While we were talking romantically, he barged into her room and proceeded to have a conversation w\her. She said to him "I'm on the phone with Joe (me)". He replied, "I was just trying to have a conversation with you. I guess he's more important." She got upset, said goodnight to me and hung up. NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOR for a man his age. This "Manipulation" began once we got serious and he realized he might "lose" her to me. Her brother got out of the house cause he couldn't take it, but my GF isn't strong enough to stand up to her dad. Her dad almost died in the 9-11 attacks and since then has attatchment issues. I think that's a majority of the problem and he refuses to get help. He wouldn't even let the family go for counseling. He's wacky.
Angel1111 Posted November 15, 2008 Posted November 15, 2008 Well, just my observation, but I think he probably sexually abused her when she was young, and may still be doing so. Normal grown men do not act this way with their daughters, no matter how lousy their relationship is with their wife. If nothing else, they'll go find a mistress. It wouldn't even occur to most men to manipulate their daughter in such a way. I think he has found his mistress - his daughter. And, no woman with any kind of sense of self would allow her father to be in the same room with her when she is only in her underwear. I think what you need to face is that you are in a relationship with a person who has some serious psychological issues. And you will have to deal with those issues for as long as you're with her. None of this bodes well, in my opinion.
Ronni_W Posted November 15, 2008 Posted November 15, 2008 Should I think that's what she was referring to when she said "it's not written in stone" or is she still bitter about our fight?/quote] Maybe she said that because she knows the pattern with her dad, and didn't want to set it up so that you would get angry at her if/when her dad did his same old crappy interference. (If she said she is over the fight, you may as well just take that on face value...no need to start trying to over-write what she says is her truth with something different.) Not sure if you are "over-reacting" or just maybe getting to the point of being too sick, tired and fed-up of all the BS -- it is exhausting, draining and depleting on you, too. More on her, of course, but also on you. Maybe your mind, body and spirit are just too tired and getting closer to the end of their patience and good will?
Author TheRock Posted November 22, 2008 Author Posted November 22, 2008 My GF wound up calling me Sunday and was apologetic and sincere. She said that she was helping her mother prepare things for her sis-in-laws baby shower, so we weren't going to go to the wine tasting. She counter-offered by asking me to dinner for Monday AND promised to clear her schedule to make sure there'd be NO interference. She was true to her word. We went out to dinner and had one of the BEST times together that we've had since we started dating 2 1/2 years ago!! Romantic and Fun! We ended the night with a passionate kissing session and expressed that we BOTH had a great time. She's called me every night. Our calls\texts used to be about 2-4 times a day prior to our big fight, now unfortunately they are 1-2 times a day. She is definitely being cautious. But, I'm taking a step back and not pressuring her to "get things back to normal quickly" as much as I'd like them to be. It's obvious we Both want our relationship to continue. (I just don't know what we "are" to eachother right now...friends, lovers, a couple, more). Problem now is we haven't truly discussed the issues (her dad's interference and her refusal to stand up to him) that caused the fights and HOW we are going to deal with it moving forward AND what we want\what we are to each other. I want to keep things light and fun like last Monday, but WHEN is a good time to bring up this HEAVY discussion, before it happens again (and it will). We need to come up with a way to deal with it that makes us BOTH happy. I don't want the talk to turn into another argument and don't want it to be stressfull. HOW and WHEN do I bring this up? Wait a few days? Weeks? Month?
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