I cheated and we broke up and now had a great week end but now what is she doing?

[premiumjet]

I do feel terrible about how i hurt her, i get that now, i guess I dont write it down the right way but i do feel bad for what I've done.

 

I suppose i shoulve called her right after the week end like Angel says but I wanted to wait to see if she calls me. So now i'm still stuck between calling her and not doing it. I would love to see her but i am learning that i cant push that right, from what people are sayin? And i guess she doesnt want to see me or she wouldve called.

 

I could write her a letter like Ailec says I guess. I hadnt' thought of something like that. But maybe thats too much pressure too?

 

My buddy still says she's gettin revenge on me for hurting her, even after I told him what you all have been sayin on here. Like she's makin me want her so she can give me the big FU.

 

I guess i deserve that?

[carhill]

OP, refresh my memory. How long has it been since you cheated? During the time since being discovered/confessing, outline the positive actions you've taken to alter your intrinsic behaviors and perspective which precipitated your actions....

 

IMO, right now, I see you in the unhealthy cycle of the rubber band. Drama reigns, so she is always on your mind. If/when comfort and familiarity return, what will be different? What has changed in you? If you're not into this at least a year, I personally continue to suggest that you stay away from her and work on yourself. Fundamental perspectives which enable cheating do not change overnight or in a few days or a few months. Nor does the memory of it for her.

 

If the emotional/spiritual/romantic connection you share is real, it will survive the test of time. Think less about what you want and more about what is really best for the both of you, right now. I think you know what that is

[premiumjet]

Carhill I cheated close before we broke up. I havent slept with anybody except that same woman a couple weeks after that, but thats it.

 

Drama reighns, thats interesting. I was cool a couple days after the week end thing, but then not hearing from her has got to me. Maybe shes doing the NC? That's good for her to figure out her feelings I guess. Best for both of us? I'm afraid she'll forget about me forever. Like that week end was her closure but she didnt tell me?

 

My buddy says to forget her if she's getting back at me but he also says I deserve it. I do. I miss her. yup I took her for granted and figured I had an opportunity for sex and that what she wouldn't know wouldn't hurt her.

[carhill]

The drama is *will you or won't you get her back*

 

Do you really think she'll forget you forever? Dude, you've got a lot to learn about women. They remember *everything*

 

I'll invite you to re-read my interrogatives and reflect upon what this experience has taught you and how you will handle future relationships. A women who loves you and believes in you is an exceedingly rare creature in this life. Value that.

[samsungxoxo]

The drama is *will you or won't you get her back*

 

Do you really think she'll forget you forever? Dude, you've got a lot to learn about women. They remember *everything*

 

True we gals do recall all details. For me it wasn't cheating but not getting called on my b-day, now I'm still hurt by that (yes he did apologize and been guilty about it but still). His is next month, part of me wants to do the same and rub it in his face then again no why cause an argument when we're getting doing great.

 

Anyways to the poster, no a letter wouldn't put that much pression (esp. when is handed in person). If after that nothing works then leave it to time. Just don't wait for to long. While you're still young try focusing on how you can improve on future relationships and how to work on whatever the issues were that led to your cheating.

[carhill]

OP, while a bit passe', I think a letter is an especially good vehicle for conveying sincere thoughts and emotions. It does this by being as permanent as the recipient wishes it to be and by making you responsible for your words because, by writing them down, perhaps even more so than this posting, you can't take them back. Choose carefully

 

Anecdotally, such writings (I love to write) were what caused someone of special interest to me to recognize my handwriting over a decade later and together restart what has become a very mutually satisfying and important friendship. If I had not shared myself in that permanent way, likely none of what's happening in the here and now would have come to pass. I wasn't much older than you when I was inspired to write such words. Food for thought

[Angel1111]

My buddy still says she's gettin revenge on me for hurting her, even after I told him what you all have been sayin on here. Like she's makin me want her so she can give me the big FU.

 

I guess i deserve that?

 

Maybe she's wondering why you spent a weekend screwing around with her and then disappeared. Maybe she's asking her girlfriends what you're doing and maybe they're telling her to dump you because you don't really want her back, you were just using her.

 

Why is the ball in her court to call you? I am utterly confused by that. I have never once in my life been with a man who expected me to pick up the phone and contact him. What on earth is your rationale here? It makes no sense at all and it is so totally passive, and your behavior looks so uncaring to her. I just don't get it.

[Dmoney28]

I would have to agree with angel 99% of her advice is good . But it is absoutly crucial within that first 1-3 weeks let her know you still love her...VERY MUCH. Now most likely she wont truly believe you because you cheated on her. But you have to keep reinforcing that to her. Becuase there is a roller coaster of thoughts and emotions in her head......anger, sorrow, low self esteem, and confusion. Contact her, call, txt whatever. This lets her know that you love her and still care. If she says "i want space and time"...then give it to her. If she says..."dont contact me..i'll contact you"..then respect that. If she "i need to talk"...you listen

 

She wont forget you. And i suggest if you really do love her...start making some personal changes...for you, and her. There has to be some physical showing of attempting to change. Counselling or a psychologist to adress your issues of betrayl and cheating. And stick with it for however long it takes for you to Honestly accept what you did and live with whatever she chooses.

 

Right now you need to be supportive to her. Whatever she needs to deal with this hurt and pain you caused...you do. Like angel told me...this will take time, nothing is going to happen over night. But you have to have some contact with her. When she calls, you answer. If she txt you answer. When she wants to talk at 2:00am, you talk. Bro...best of luck to you. Its been like 4 months for me after i cheated, and i'm trying to support my ex anyway i can. And she still gets angry, but she stays in contact, so i know she still has love for me. And the hurt this causes is tragic. If you love her...help her get through this..and accept the outcome..good or bad.

 

Remorse...Regret...Repent...3 R's she needs to see from you. And if you say "this is too much work". Then its best for you to bow out gracefully, because you dont love her. Strap in, grab a mountain dew and get comfortable my friend, because you're going to be in it for the Long Haul if you want this to work.

[samsungxoxo]

Couldn't say it better Dmoney, the best advice given to him. I guess the poster didn't realize gaining back trust takes time. As for you Dmoney hope things work for both of you.

[Dmoney28]

thank you ailce. I hope this young man realizes the emotional damage this causes the other person. If that isnt a wake up call, i dont know what is. Dude, just remember, no matter how bad you feel, be sure its 10x worse for her. best of luck bro

[premiumjet]

Carhill I'll try writing out a letter tonight and tomorow. Thanks for the idea. Thats great that letter worked the way it did for you, kinda cool!

[premiumjet]

Angel I guess my rationale was to keep things nice and see how she wants things. At first for a couple days I was just so happy about the week end and relaxed. Thats why i didnt worry about contacting her and didnt worry about her contacting me, but then i realized after awhile that she wasnt calling. Then I didnt know what to do. I dont mean to be uncaring at all.

[premiumjet]

wow DMoney so you did it too. Hows it going, what do you think will happen? Has your ex been hot and cold too? Have you hung out with her at all?

 

Thanks man you are helping me see things. You too angel, from a womans good point of view.

[Dmoney28]

Yeah, i made the mistake of cheating, and lost the most beautiful caring woman i have ever met (she has dudes hitting on her 24/7). I used to get Angry and emotional e-mails and calls the first 2 months, but she had every right to be mad and cry. I listened, and TRIED my best explain my actions. At times she told me we couldnt talk anymore...then she would want to talk. Like angel111 told me, she is on a emotional rollercoaster, she is not sure what she wants. Then she was missing me alot, then angry for causing the hurt in her life. So yeah, expect alot of anger. And she will ignore you alot. She will intiate NC with you...give her space...and she will contact you eventually. Hope you have some thick skin.

 

We did hang out a couple of times in the begining. Which IMO is both good and bad. Good because you guys see each other and kinda recoonect....bad because that anger is STILL there..alive and kicking. She might get distand and be uncomfortable, because she dosent see you in the same way. So i advise wait atleast a 2-3 months before hanging out. DO NO force your presence on her. And dont keep asking her IF and WHEN she wants you back. This comes off as being pressured. Let her heal, and then ask every once in awhile if she is comfortable with meeting. Dont expect to be all lovey dovey. She might want to be friends first...to see if you are remorseful and if you can earn her trust.

 

It all depends on the women, everyone is diffrent. So im at the "Time heal all wounds stage", pretty much waiting on her descion. I just have to be realistic in the fact she might wont nothing to do with me. And keep myself busy with work, gym etc. I was told it takes 2 years to heal from this kind of thing. So be patience

[Angel1111]

Hey, Dmoney, thanks for the nice things you said about me.

 

I agree with everything you said - except that in this case, he spent 4 days with her and they had sex. To me, that is a woman giving of herself again and offering forgiveness and trust. If she told him during that weekend that she wanted space, then not contacting her would be understandable. But I don't think she said that so she's probably sitting around stewing that he used her and then took off (this being her perspective - not how he really feels). That's my big concern here - to me it looks like she stuck her neck out for him, and he goes away and never says a word. That would piss me off like you can't believe.

[premiumjet]

Dmoney. Thanks for telling me your experience. It helps me know what to expect and how to understand her side of things. How long has been the longest periods of time she would ignore you? You said to wait until she has had time to heal before asking to see each other. How will I know she is healing or has healed enough? I understand now that I'm being way way way too impatient, thats a big part of my personality and problems.

[premiumjet]

Ah Angel I dont want to piss her off! Ive been self consumed I guess and mixing this all up in my head and now doing nothing might be the wrong thing afterall. What would you want from me now, if you were her?

[Dmoney28]

The longest was 6 days so far. She sent me a text at 12:00am..."you ok"....i replied, "im ok, how are you?"....after txting back in forth she replied "i cant believe this nightmare still"...this is a month after. i think the impatience is the biggest reason why men screw up thier chances. We want to know NOW. "if she loves me , why wont she call"...."why is she sending mixed signal"....because there is conflict inside most people in this situation....i love him/her...but they hurt and betrayed me. As far as the healing goes, it depends on the person. As angel mentioned, she spent the weekend with you, which is a good sign....or a bad omen. She might want to be with you right now because she is still in that shock mode ( is this really happening?), and want that familar comfort. But the problem is this faze wont last too long, cuz the anger is coming..oh yes..the anger. all the thoughts of the OW will pop up...ahe wont stand the sight of you. "i cant see you right now, i have to leave". And she might break up with you twice. Which is going to hurt even more. My ex told me this is the reason we didnt get back together right away.

 

Now everyone is diffrent, so i dont know for sure. but i had a friend who cheated on his girl and they got back together 2 days later...and they bicker, and fight and argue most of the time. Why? because she didnt heal, he didnt show true remorse...and that anger never was talked about or resolved. Thus the fighting 24/7. Plus it gave him a excuse to cheat again(which he did), because she didnt test him, she didnt make sure he was sorry for his actions. Thats my opinion anyway

 

As far as the healing goes...god who knows. Angel mentioned in my post...2 years to fully recover. So even if you did get back together, there will still be a healing process. So prepare to be the most patient man in the world, is what i have been told. So you better be ready to hand over cell phone bills, e-mail accounts and passwords, voice main number, phone records, myspace passwords....and have your cell at your hip at all times.

 

Im also trying to deal with not being impatient and over analyzing everything. But during this time show every effort of the changes in you. All the positive changes. Reading is fundamental. Pick up some self help and relationship books. I'm ready "the 5 languages of apolgy". It helps reinforce positive changes and selfless behavior.

 

Guilt = selfishness..I want to fell better...I want to be relieved of this pain

Remorse= selflessness ..i want YOU to feel better...i want YOU to stop hurting.....backed by actions of course

[Angel1111]

Ah Angel I dont want to piss her off! Ive been self consumed I guess and mixing this all up in my head and now doing nothing might be the wrong thing afterall. What would you want from me now, if you were her?

 

At this point, you need to call her. If she doesn't answer - which wouldn't surprise me - then leave a message saying that you hope she's ok - whatever - and mention that you have been leaving her alone because you thought she needed the space but that you can't stand not talking to her and just wanted to say hi and check that she's ok. You might want to mention how much you enjoyed the weekend with her. And then let her know you'd like to hear from her, and that if she doesn't call you back, you'll try her again tomorrow.

 

Something like that, anyway. If she does answer the phone, tell her most of the above. If she's pissed off by your silence (and pissed about you not even calling mid-week to see if she wanted to spend time with you this weekend), then you may be able to salvage things.

[Dmoney28]

yep angel is right...you better call bro. You are in a VERY good posistion. She physically saw you...within short amount of time. There is no reason for sillly pride or games.."i dont wont call her because it make look weak" or whatever. CALL her .Let her know you Love her and care. Drop the letter off first....then call. The letter is reinforcement of your feelings. Something she can look at when she doubts your true feelings. My ex kept all my letters ( all 5 of them lol). She even kept one in the glove box of her car.

[premiumjet]

Ok Angel and Dmoney I'll do it. I'm working on a letter but man is it hard. Im not good at explaining things espcially feelings.

 

My buddy says if she gives in about my cheating, that she has no backbone. That I was lucky to get that week end with her but he doesnt know if that says something good or bad about her. She was always so forgiving of me. I took advantage of that.

 

Anyways thanks for all the input you guys have given me so far. Keep it comin! Nah I mean it it really helps me see things from outside my own head.

[samsungxoxo]

Ok Angel and Dmoney I'll do it. I'm working on a letter but man is it hard. Im not good at explaining things espcially feelings.

 

Then you can also clarify in person in case she doesn't understand some things in the letter.