Adoption -thoughts..?

[Chinook]

This week in the UK there has been a horrendous case of child neglect and it resulted in murder. Due to this case, I'm considering adoption. I feel that I have something to offer a child in need. I know I'd be a good parental role model - but I'm single. But also, I'm a nurse lecturer, I get paid well and I have disposable income at the end of the month (yes, even in the credit crunch financial crisis). I'm lucky, because of being diagnosed with cancer 6 years ago (and now clear) I have no mortgage to pay. I don't have a great deal of help around me but I have an Aunt who would be willing to be an emergency contact.

 

Does anyone have any experience, had any thoughts about it, know the pitfalls..? At this stage, I'm just 'thinking' about it. Seriously thinking, but thinking all the same.

[Geishawhelk]

......I'm considering adoption. I feel that I have something to offer a child in need. I know I'd be a good parental role model - but I'm single.

This may count against you. An awful lot of Adoption agents are of the opinion that a child needs dual parental influence.

 

I'm lucky, because of being diagnosed with cancer 6 years ago (and now clear) I have no mortgage to pay.

The mortgage isn't the problem.

The cancer may be.

They will put it to you that there are no guarantees.

What would you do if it came back elsewhere?

I don't have a great deal of help around me but I have an Aunt who would be willing to be an emergency contact.

 

This would also count against you.

If you're single and determined, they'll want to know you have a good support network. An aunt who will not get younger, is not a good option.

 

 

Does anyone have any experience, had any thoughts about it, know the pitfalls..? At this stage, I'm just 'thinking' about it. Seriously thinking, but thinking all the same.

The stringent, heartbreaking, restrictive, demanding and gruelling process you have to go through in order to adopt a child are exceedingly stressful. They may not be healthy for you.

It's a shame natural parents don't go through similar procedures before conceiving.

 

I say none of this to put you off.

I say all this to prepare you.

[Chinook]

I know, like I said, I felt like I have something to offer but I'm not entirely sure that I'm a practically good candidate. I don't think there is anything wrong with me morally, educationally etc... but my practicalities of living, would be an issue. That's really a shame considering the poor child this week, who didn't even have that chance.

[RecordProducer]

Chinook, it's a very noble thought. I am sorry you went through the pain of fighting cancer, but I am so happy that you're clear now.

 

I am not concerned about you as a candidate; if they deny your application, it is beyond your control. They might offer you a "less desirable" child though, if they see any issues with you being single or having been diagnosed with cancer previously. In that case, you would potentially face a difficult choice.

 

I am also not concerned about what kind of parent you would be in terms of time and finances. As long as you're completely honest with the adoption agency about everything, they would be competent enough to determine whether you satisfy the criteria for raising a child successfully.

 

I am concerned only about one thing: you. As ridiculous as this may sound to you, feeling sorry for all abandoned children is not the right reason for adopting a child. You have to eagerly want and need to be a mother. Motherhood is a very instinctive and natural urge. A woman who is ready to be a mother yearns to devote herself to a child, to hold it, feed it, change its diapers, put it to sleep every night, etc. It is so much more than reading an article in the paper and starting to cry over the sad lives of those poor kids. They certainly do deserve pity from all of us, but they only deserve to be parented by people who are 100% ready to put in the enormous sacrifice, effort, and love that children require. It is similar to the notion of marrying someone out of pity and concern for their wellbeing.

 

I am afraid that your thought has emerged from the desire to HELP a disadvantaged child. Parenting is not helping - it is doing everything it takes for the child to be happy, putting their life before your own, and dying for them if necessary.

 

I've been a mother for ten years and during this period, I've made numerous decisions that were based on my children's interest ONLY. I'd refused an attractive job offer because I couldn't leave my children for six months; I broke up with a guy who proposed to me because he didn't seem too comfortable with the fact that I had children. I would give them my kidneys, my eyes, my heart... if they ever needed them. I have, am and will spend every day of my life taking care of them, worrying about their wellbeing, loving them more than myself or anybody else in this world.

 

Are you ready and willing to do this?

[Chinook]

I am concerned only about one thing: you. As ridiculous as this may sound to you, feeling sorry for all abandoned children is not the right reason for adopting a child. You have to eagerly want and need to be a mother. Motherhood is a very instinctive and natural urge. A woman who is ready to be a mother yearns to devote herself to a child, to hold it, feed it, change its diapers, put it to sleep every night, etc. It is so much more than reading an article in the paper and starting to cry over the sad lives of those poor kids. They certainly do deserve pity from all of us, but they only deserve to be parented by people who are 100% ready to put in the enormous sacrifice, effort, and love that children require.

No, I'm sorry for giving you that viewpoint. That wouldn't have been my ONLY impetus. 2005, I was pregnant with a much wanted and loved child. 3 years after finishing chemotherapy. I lost the child at 12 weeks. My Oncologist thought at the time and still thinks it was a fluke. I can't have children. If I get pregnant, it is unlikely that I would carry a child full-term. I had come to terms already with the cancer treatment, that I would never parent my own children. So no, I do not ONLY feel sorry for these kinds of children...but I feel GUILTY because I KNOW I have the capacity, means and will to offer at least ONE child a better future. It is this coupled with the commitment of being a parent, that I once felt, albeit fleetingly, that makes me think I'd be a worthwhile parent. I know the long haul. I know the commitment... and I'm willing to make the necessary sacrifices to my current lifestyle. So yes, I would die for that child if ever the call arose.

 

Are you ready and willing to do this?

Yes. I can't explain the detail. But I was ready in 2005 and it wasn't to be... my current feeling is if it isn't meant to be, it won't be... but surely I have a duty to find out whether I'd be able to offer anything, whether I'd be suitable..?! I don't know what those sacrifices may mean, but what I do know is that I couldn't turn my back on a child who is my sole concern and responsibility... I know that sounds unemotional and I'm not sure that's not a bad thing. I think love would come in time. I can't talk about love for a child which as yet, doesn't exist in my world. But what I can tell you is that once I commit to something, I completely commit, 100%. I don't know whether 100% is enough. But I felt maybe I should find out. I guess I felt that I could have done better than the parents and social workers and role models for the children I see on my TV screen.

[mental_traveller]

I'm adopted. What I will say is that being adopted is 100 times better than being in a children's home or fostered, and infinitely better than being aborted. All kids want is unconditional love, some education in basic life skills, and a safe environment. They don't care if it's 1 or 2 parents, if you are dirt poor or stinking rich, if you are a bigwig or a janitor.

 

So, don't listen to people who think adoption should only happen if you are part of a "perfect" stable couple. If kids can be born and raised by crack hos, murderers, rapists etc, as happens with tens of thousands of non-adopted "natural" kids, then a normal single parent adopting I'm sure will do a much better job.

 

Downsides - genetics matter, and there is a definite chance you won't feel a natural connection in the same way you might if it was your biological child. At age 18+, expect some serious issues regarding background. Under no circumstances hide the adoption from the kid - always tell them from day one, and give more detail as and when they ask. Kids who have adoption hidden get seriously messed up, and will hate your guts, potentially for a lifetime (I've seen it happen).

 

My parents were open from the beginning, and I felt fine with it all along. Later in life I did a little bit of digging into my background, and eventually after asking my parents, made some brief written contact once in my 30s. That's it. I would say I had a happy adoption experience. However here in the UK we have an open record system after age 18. In my opinion, the US system of sealed records is barbaric and uncivilised, a gross violation of natural rights, and extremely harmful to both adopted kids and biological parents. For people in the US, consider this strongly before adopting, because the affects can be extremely damaging. The way the system works is not your responsibility (much), but you will have to deal with the fallout.

 

Overall I would say go for it, if you are realistic and honest about how it might turn out. Abandoned kids need a good environment and love just as much as anyone else. It'd be a nice thing to chip in and help some infant who got a bit of bad luck early in life. Just be aware of the issues and complications, and bear in mind it will *never* be entirely the same as a natural birth. Even 30 years later the consequences will be different. Fully expect your adopted kid to want to search out their biological parents (and vice versa) once they hit adulthood. If that freaks you out, or would make you feel abandoned, don't adopt.

 

Good luck, whatever path you choose!

[mental_traveller]

You have to eagerly want and need to be a mother.

 

IMO you only have to want and need to be a mother, more than the biological mother who clearly (at the time) did not.

 

Remember adopted kids are being *given up* by a mother, contrary to all natural urges, reason, common sense etc. This means that most adopted kids are coming from messed up circumstances - either teenage mothers, people with messed up lives, serious problems, or who just hate or are overwhelmed by the idea of having a kid.

 

ANYONE who has the slightest maternal/family instinct is suitable, relative to that. If it wasn't for people willing to adopt, these kids would be either in care, foster homes, or out on the streets, all of which are pretty nasty environments. I didn't have an ideal connection with my parents, but it sure as hell was better than the alternatives.

[RecordProducer]

No, I'm sorry for giving you that viewpoint. That wouldn't have been my ONLY impetus.

Honey, I wasn't necessarily insisting that it was your only impetus. I just wanted to raise these questions and urge you to provide the answers to yourself.

 

2005, I was pregnant with a much wanted and loved child. 3 years after finishing chemotherapy. I lost the child at 12 weeks. My Oncologist thought at the time and still thinks it was a fluke. I can't have children. If I get pregnant, it is unlikely that I would carry a child full-term.

I am so sorry to hear that.

 

I had come to terms already with the cancer treatment, that I would never parent my own children.

Don't be so sure that this is your fate. We see miracles happen every day. When it comes to pregnancy, I would listen to your gynecologist more than your oncologist, if I were you.

 

You seem passionate about adopting a child. Just keep in mind that wanting a child and raising a child are two quite different things.

 

In any case, I would advise you two things:

1. Give yourself enough time to think this over

2. If possible, try to spend a lot of time around mothers (preferably single) with babies

 

I also have three questions for you:

 

1. How old are you, if I may ask?

2. What "kind" of a child do you have in mind? Does it have to be a little baby or are you OK with an older child? Does it have to be perfectly healthy? Are you open to adopting a child whose mother has abused drugs or alcohol during pregnancy? Are you picky about their race?

3. I hope you realize that having a child is considered an unsurmountable obstacle by many single men who are looking to meet Ms. Right and start a family with her. If you're young enough, you might want to wait to meet Mr. Right and adopt a child together with him. You would also be in a better position as a couple to adopt a baby who would have both parents since day one.

[RecordProducer]

Remember adopted kids are being *given up* by a mother, contrary to all natural urges, reason, common sense etc.

No, no, no, no, no... I am not talking about the natural urge to have sex. These women had sex and accidentally got pregnant. They didn't have the urge to become mothers. In addition, this urge has nothing to do with whether the woman gets pregnant or wishes to adopt a child. The mother instinct is incorporated in women's emotional-mental structure, NOT in their reproductive organs. Of course, some women don't want to be mothers at all.

 

ANYONE who has the slightest maternal/family instinct is suitable, relative to that.

There is no such thing as a "slight" maternal instinct. Can you slightly take care of your child? Slightly love them? Pay slight attention to them? The desire and determination have to be very strong.

 

If it wasn't for people willing to adopt, these kids would be either in care, foster homes, or out on the streets, all of which are pretty nasty environments. I didn't have an ideal connection with my parents, but it sure as hell was better than the alternatives.

I would love to hear more about your experience as an adopted child. It seems like you turned out pretty good.

 

I don't understand the whole concept of foster families. I mean, why would people who apparently hate children volunteer to temporarily take care of some kids, often teenagers with lots of problems? I really think that if the government genuinely cared about these kids, they could provide them with warmth and love. I believe they could pay sweet and caring people to take care of these kids; provide better conditions for them (e.g. place several kids, well chosen to get along together, in one decent house); give them proper education, in family-like conditions, etc. They would still be parentless and missing on a lot of things, but at least they wouldn't face abuse, poverty, and misery on a daily basis. But I guess, taxpayers don't care about somebody else's children.

[norajane]

I don't understand the whole concept of foster families. I mean, why would people who apparently hate children volunteer to temporarily take care of some kids, often teenagers with lots of problems? I really think that if the government genuinely cared about these kids, they could provide them with warmth and love. I believe they could pay sweet and caring people to take care of these kids; provide better conditions for them (e.g. place several kids, well chosen to get along together, in one decent house); give them proper education, in family-like conditions, etc. They would still be parentless and missing on a lot of things, but at least they wouldn't face abuse, poverty, and misery on a daily basis. But I guess, taxpayers don't care about somebody else's children.

 

They do pay people. I don't know how the system works exactly, but foster parents do get money from the government, to cover costs of care.

 

And there are many great foster parents out there. People who do want to help families in trouble and who care about the well-being of the kids they care for.

 

Unfortunately, that's why some do it...for the money. And you know what happens when people do things just for the money.

[marlena]

Chinook,

 

Soon after I had my daughter, I found myself in the position of a single parent after a divorce. I loved being a mother and wanted to adopt a homeless child. I looked into the adoption laws in my country and soon realized my chances were slim simply because I was a single mother. How unfair I thought. My only other option was travelling to a third world country and bringing one home with me. To this day, I regret not having done so. If you are encountering obstacles, could this be something that you might want to look into?

[RecordProducer]

They do pay people. I don't know how the system works exactly, but foster parents do get money from the government, to cover costs of care.

No, I was talking about the orphanages. I mean, look at the schools: they are full of "sweet, loving, caring, concerned, smiling" teachers.

 

Why? Because each parent is concerned about their children and will make a big fuss about the smallest thing that would happen to them. But the orphans... who's going to protect them? The system works in such a way that it's almost impossible to take good care of them.

 

If these orphans had REAL rights, and not merely on paper; if there was random inspection of the conditions in which they lived by REALLY unbiased people, if someone REALLY represented them legally, if they could really write a letter of complaint and have their caregiver fired because she slapped them or called them a bad name... if the government REALLY cared about these kids...

 

You can buy kindness and great care in professional settings, big time. Look at the medical field, the geriatric institutions, the schools, look at everything around you. All the jerks smile for 8 hours, five days a week because it's part of their job description, because they will get fired if they are not polite.

 

The orphans are shoved to the corner of the society because nobody cares. There are more organizations lobbying for the protection of fish and plants than for kids who live the lives they don't deserve. The reasons probably lie in the fact that many of these kids were born to drug addicts, alcoholics, prostitutes - the bottom of the society. When a healthy, Caucasian 16-year old gives up a healthy baby for an adoption, there's a mile-long line of couples who are competing for that baby. But screw (often literally) the 13-year old who was just taken from her all-immoral mother by the center of social work.

[quankanne]

RP, I think the fostering system was set up as a temporary measure – like a way station of sorts*– until the child could be adopted by a family. Unfortunately, the reality is that most couples want a child they can raise from scratch, i.e., a baby. And preferably a physically, psychologically healthy one ... just google any state adoption hotline and you'll find school-aged kids (often 2-4 siblings "rescued" from problem homes) that no one is particularly interested in because they're too old, they're not the "right" race, they're too many to take in at once. The paper back home recently ran a story about a sixteen-year-old black girl who was fixing to be cycled out of the foster system, and she wanted a forever family to share her dreams and her accomplishments with, but wasn't having any luck finding that family ...

 

Chinook, to be honest, your health background might be more of an issue than the fact that you're single, with a steady income, but don't let that hold you back if this is something your heart desires. If you are interested in being involved in a child's life, you might also look at the Big Brothers, Big Sisters program that operates in most cities. These kids have families of their own, but they need mentors. A friend did this, and said it was the best thing she did outside of having her own kinds, because that little girl just gave new meaning to her life.

 

whatever you decide, good luck, and know that we're pulling for you!

[Chinook]

Honey, I wasn't necessarily insisting that it was your only impetus. I just wanted to raise these questions and urge you to provide the answers to yourself.

Yes, I know and really I was kinda thinking out loud. Until 2005 I had always assumed I would be a mother. It's something that I've spent all my life thinking I would one day fulfill. But since 2005, I had never really wanted to think about it again because of my circumstances. I have to be honest, I never considered adoption because I didn't think I would tick the boxes because I am single. Having done some reading, I now realise that being single isn't necessarily a bar to being an adoptive parent.

 

Don't be so sure that this is your fate. We see miracles happen every day. When it comes to pregnancy, I would listen to your gynecologist more than your oncologist, if I were you.

Well, I know. My Onc is a great cancer specialist but I doubt he knows much about childbirth or pregnancy. The thinking at the time I lost the baby was the impact chemo had on my ovaries. Once the initial 12 week surge of pregnancy hormones had dropped, it seems my ovaries couldn't cope with maintaining the pregnancy. But I'm philosophical, my thinking is that everything happens for a reason and we don't know what is down the road.

 

You seem passionate about adopting a child. Just keep in mind that wanting a child and raising a child are two quite different things.

I know. Actually I feel that 'want' isn't quite the right word... because it implies 'wanting' like you would want a commodity, or chocolate, or cola, if you see my meaning. I don't 'want' a child in that context, I feel a sense of duty and I want to do that in a way which is meaningful to at least one child. My feeling is if I can take care of and raise one child, that is one less Baby P. I feel like this because I feel a sense of guilt at the moment of having my nice lifestyle, having space in my home, having a good education and occupation. I just feel that my resources and commitment could provide a good home life and lifestyle for one child (maybe more in the future).

 

In any case, I would advise you two things:

1. Give yourself enough time to think this over

2. If possible, try to spend a lot of time around mothers (preferably single) with babies

 

1. Yes, I don't intend rushing into this. I don't intend making any decisions until I'm sure and I'm not sure that this isn't just a sense of needing to help which I'm more focused on. I dont know how I feel about it over the long haul.

2. I have a couple of friends with young babies and I'm godparent to a number of friends' children, so I do my share of child care

 

I also have three questions for you:

 

1. How old are you, if I may ask? I'm 38. 39 in April.

2. What "kind" of a child do you have in mind? Does it have to be a little baby or are you OK with an older child? Does it have to be perfectly healthy? Are you open to adopting a child whose mother has abused drugs or alcohol during pregnancy? Are you picky about their race? I dont think placing a baby with me would be feasible. I don't mind babies but I work full-time so I think an older child of school age would probably be more appropriate. Either way, I don't mind. I don't mind if the child has medical, learning, emotional or behavioural problems. I don't believe it is my place to pick and choose my child's characteristics. If the child was born naturally to me I wouldn't be able to choose, so adoption shouldn't be any different. I don't want to feel like I'm 'shopping' for a child. I'm not. I would be happy to take any child that the adoption agencies would feel 'matched' me and the life I can offer that child. No, I'm not picky about race. The only issue with that is the kind of discrimination a child may face due to parentage... not from me but other kids for example, can be cruel - so I'd want to make sure that was taken into account in the matching process.

3. I hope you realize that having a child is considered an unsurmountable obstacle by many single men who are looking to meet Ms. Right and start a family with her. If you're young enough, you might want to wait to meet Mr. Right and adopt a child together with him. You would also be in a better position as a couple to adopt a baby who would have both parents since day one. I've been single for nearly two years and I don't date. I don't work in an area where I meet many men, so unless Mr Right walks into my life completely out of the blue, it isn't likely to happen. As for if and when he does make an appearance, I don't think I'd like to be with any guy who didn't accept a child I had adopted. Anyone I'm interested in would have to be interested in and care about the welfare of children and they would have to understand that the child comes first. If they don't like that, well... it's not like I struggle being single

[Ariadne]

Chinook,

 

I think this is one of the best ideas, ever!!! I love it!

 

I wish you the best of luck adopting and that everything resolves soon if you decide to go for it.

 

I think you are such a wonderful, mature, caring person, that any child would be blessed to have you as a mother.

[blind_otter]

Well, I know. My Onc is a great cancer specialist but I doubt he knows much about childbirth or pregnancy. The thinking at the time I lost the baby was the impact chemo had on my ovaries. Once the initial 12 week surge of pregnancy hormones had dropped, it seems my ovaries couldn't cope with maintaining the pregnancy. But I'm philosophical, my thinking is that everything happens for a reason and we don't know what is down the road.

 

 

I just wanted to chime in and say that ovaries play no role in maintaining pregnancy - they just release the egg. By 12 weeks the placenta in the uterus produces the necessary pregnancy hormones.

 

I had 2 miscarriages prior to carrying a pregnancy to term - at 11 and 15 weeks - and I had no cancer issues...

[quankanne]

otter, *I've* heard that ovaries like to hang out, then run screaming, "LOOK! There's Dick! Let's egg him!"

 

:laugh:

[mrose2008]

Both my husband and brother are adopted...I thank God everyday that both are in my life...My husband was taken from his biological mom (thank God he needed to be) and he met her when he was in his early 20's...She turned out to be a loony and he cut all ties with her..She dies about 2 yrs ago and he had no feelings for her whatsoever and neither did I..I am totally greatful for the state for taking my husband away from her and giving him to a wonderful family..He said he does thank the state for giving him to two wonderful people..

My brother was given up by his mom at age 15 and he has no desire to meet or have anything to do with his biological parents..His choice...Adoption is a beautiful thing..We are expecting our first child on april 8th, 2009 and we are so excited..I know that I am truly blessed to have both of them in my life....

[redgnome]

i know this message is a few months old and you have gotten alot of great replies, but if you would like to talk in more detail, im actually an adoption social worker, so i would be glad to talk with you about the different options. feel free to send me a private message.

[doushenka]

I don't understand the whole concept of foster families. I mean, why would people who apparently hate children volunteer to temporarily take care of some kids, often teenagers with lots of problems? I really think that if the government genuinely cared about these kids, they could provide them with warmth and love. I believe they could pay sweet and caring people to take care of these kids; provide better conditions for them (e.g. place several kids, well chosen to get along together, in one decent house); give them proper education, in family-like conditions, etc. They would still be parentless and missing on a lot of things, but at least they wouldn't face abuse, poverty, and misery on a daily basis. But I guess, taxpayers don't care about somebody else's children.

 

I'd be willing to do it.

 

Ten or fifteen years down the line, when I've got my teaching certificate and (knock wood) Master's degree -- and, heck, a teaching job! -- I would very much like to open my home to older kids who need somewhere to go until a better solution can be found.

 

This taxpayer cares, and wants very much to look after those who are otherwise poor candidates for placement, once I'm in a place where I'm not doing more harm than good.

[HappyAgain]

This week in the UK there has been a horrendous case of child neglect and it resulted in murder. Due to this case, I'm considering adoption. I feel that I have something to offer a child in need. I know I'd be a good parental role model - but I'm single. But also, I'm a nurse lecturer, I get paid well and I have disposable income at the end of the month (yes, even in the credit crunch financial crisis). I'm lucky, because of being diagnosed with cancer 6 years ago (and now clear) I have no mortgage to pay. I don't have a great deal of help around me but I have an Aunt who would be willing to be an emergency contact.

 

Does anyone have any experience, had any thoughts about it, know the pitfalls..? At this stage, I'm just 'thinking' about it. Seriously thinking, but thinking all the same.

 

 

Have you looked into foreign adoption? I'm going through the process myself and am in a similar situation to yours (single, good job, etc) and I found that they are more forgiving to single mothers.