How?

[lofi_tokyo]

I keep reading more and more about people leaving their boyfriend/girlfriends for someone else.

 

I understand this usually comes because the initial relationship is falling, the BF/GF is distancing themselves - but how do they just fall for a new person completely and leave the other person behind?

 

Yes, I realize maybe they got over the person before the breakup, and they only call or say I love you afterwards out of guilt, but is it that easy to move on?

 

How do people in these situations go on happily to the next person? Are there no feelings of pain or longing for the ex? Are relationships started like this healthy?

[trueblue72ny]

Good question. I have ALWAYS wondered that myself. I think that if someone just moved on to someone else and didnt feel a thing for the ex than the ex is lucky because, emotions aside, would you really want someone in your life like that anyway?

 

And I dont know if the new relationship is healthy. Personalyl I would be wondering if they would do the same thing to me.

[melissa123]

Very good question!

 

Im not to sure I can answer but my ex bf of two years might be able to help!

He was with someone for 1year before me, one day out of the blue he breaks up with her and shuts her out of his life totally. The poor girl was heartbroken and begged and begged but he well and truly **** her out. To this day he still refuses to talk to her. (she did nothing wrong)

He went straight to being my bf, he wasn't hurt he was completely normal for someone who ended the relationship a day earlier.

I was only 17 at the time so really new nothing about relationships and heartache etc so i dismissed it and carried on with out relationship.

 

2years later out of the blue he dumps me. Next day he has a new gf!

 

2months later this new gf dumps him, one week later he has another new gf.

 

Everytime he came out of the realtionship as happy as larry and refused to ever talk to the girls again, treated them as tho they never exsisted.

 

My question is would you really want someone who can do this? Yes hes my ex so maybe im biased BUT would you want someone who has so little feelings that they can do this?

Soomeone that is so afraid to be along and so codependant that they jump straight into another realtionship until the same problems arise then they run off to the next one?

 

None of his relationships worked out (ok neither did mine but hell I tried)

 

Tokyo I dont think ur exs new realtionship will last, not if he cant confront the problem and just runs off. It will come up again in this new relationship further down the track, trust me.

And hey if it does work do you really want someone who runs from relationship to relationship to avoid sorting out problems or because they are afraid of being alone.

 

Its a massive sign og immaturity and I can tell just by reading this that you are better than that.

I also know heartache eventually brings out the best in people and I can see that happening in you also so congratulations, it was all worth something.

[CaliGuy]

I keep reading more and more about people leaving their boyfriend/girlfriends for someone else.

 

I understand this usually comes because the initial relationship is falling, the BF/GF is distancing themselves - but how do they just fall for a new person completely and leave the other person behind?

 

Yes, I realize maybe they got over the person before the breakup, and they only call or say I love you afterwards out of guilt, but is it that easy to move on?

 

How do people in these situations go on happily to the next person? Are there no feelings of pain or longing for the ex? Are relationships started like this healthy?

 

TV, the answer is quite simply really. The one who leaves has checked out of the relationship emotionally long before they actually pull the trigger. With women especially, they have talked their family and friends to death agonizing over the decision. It's only when they've emotionally detached that they actually pull the trigger and decide to leave.

 

They can move on with no regrets to the next relationship because in a way, they are relieved and glad to be out of the relationship. It's not an overnight thing. Feelings change gradually but to the person being left behind, unless they are on another planet, the signs are there.

 

For example:

 

Less talking (phone, email, IM).

Less hanging out together (he/she goes out with 'friends' more often)

Virutally no more interaction with family or friends of your s/o.

Physical intimacy dwindles.

Less and less knowledge of your s/o's whereabouts.

 

These are all red flags that something is wrong and your S/O is pulling away from you. I promised myself if I ever see these signs again I will pull the trigger first. Why wait around to be dumped if you know it's coming. Best to make a clean break as soon as possible and move on with your life.

 

This goes mostly for women. Men do sometimes display this behavior but not quite to that degree. They tend to make split second decisions and if they have moved on mentally and emotionally, there's no changing their mind.

[sumdude]

I also believe some people do not build emotional bonds as deeply as others do. I know for a fact that I tend to be a more deeply emotional person than most men and many women. Just the way I'm made.. guess it's part of being a musician/artist.

[cherryade]

Caliguy, I disagree, but maybe I'm just in denial. My boyfriend drunkenly slept with someone else, dumped me and is not apparently in a relationship with her. There was no indication that there was anything wrong at all. It was a LDR so maybe it's different, but there were signs that everything was fine with us. Until that night. I'm afraid I can't answer the original question, I'm one of those hoping it's not possible to just switch those feelings off and that he'll come back. But I am sure that to go from a relationship with me to a relationship with her is not going to do him any favours in the future - he hasn't learnt the consequences of what he's done, he doesn't know what he's lost, and he won't, because he's distracted by his new bit of stuff.

[lofi_tokyo]

Very good question!

 

Im not to sure I can answer but my ex bf of two years might be able to help!

He was with someone for 1year before me, one day out of the blue he breaks up with her and shuts her out of his life totally. The poor girl was heartbroken and begged and begged but he well and truly **** her out. To this day he still refuses to talk to her. (she did nothing wrong)

He went straight to being my bf, he wasn't hurt he was completely normal for someone who ended the relationship a day earlier.

I was only 17 at the time so really new nothing about relationships and heartache etc so i dismissed it and carried on with out relationship.

 

2years later out of the blue he dumps me. Next day he has a new gf!

 

2months later this new gf dumps him, one week later he has another new gf.

 

Everytime he came out of the realtionship as happy as larry and refused to ever talk to the girls again, treated them as tho they never exsisted.

 

My question is would you really want someone who can do this? Yes hes my ex so maybe im biased BUT would you want someone who has so little feelings that they can do this?

Soomeone that is so afraid to be along and so codependant that they jump straight into another realtionship until the same problems arise then they run off to the next one?

 

None of his relationships worked out (ok neither did mine but hell I tried)

 

Tokyo I dont think ur exs new realtionship will last, not if he cant confront the problem and just runs off. It will come up again in this new relationship further down the track, trust me.

And hey if it does work do you really want someone who runs from relationship to relationship to avoid sorting out problems or because they are afraid of being alone.

 

Its a massive sign og immaturity and I can tell just by reading this that you are better than that.

I also know heartache eventually brings out the best in people and I can see that happening in you also so congratulations, it was all worth something.

 

 

Thank you everyone for replies! Melissa, yours especially helped me out. You're absolutely right when you said its a problem when people just jump from relationship to relationship instead of dealing with problems. I guess at this point its not a matter of my ex and his new girlfriend lasting so much as me understanding how his emotions have completely turned off.

 

On that point, I think Caliguy kind of gave an answer to that when he said once a guy turns off his emotions they're off. Done done done.

 

Also, Melissa, thank you for saying going through heartbreak is helping me grow - because I really think it is helping me become more compassionate. That isn't to say I did not care about people's emotions until today, but... when people I knew were deeply wounded by a breakup, I could feel for them, or give advice and be there, but I never really understood the complicated emotions tied in with saying goodbye to someone you love. Its rough! I feel like from this I'll grow wiser and stronger... and someday be able to help my daughters/sons get through their first break ups because of this.

 

Nonetheless! I'm still in awe at my ex being able to flick his emotions like a switch. I'd say I'm envious, though I suppose if I could turn off like him, then I would never have learned as much as I have in the last two and a half months.

[northstar1]

Thank you everyone for replies! Melissa, yours especially helped me out. You're absolutely right when you said its a problem when people just jump from relationship to relationship instead of dealing with problems. I guess at this point its not a matter of my ex and his new girlfriend lasting so much as me understanding how his emotions have completely turned off.

 

On that point, I think Caliguy kind of gave an answer to that when he said once a guy turns off his emotions they're off. Done done done.

 

Also, Melissa, thank you for saying going through heartbreak is helping me grow - because I really think it is helping me become more compassionate. That isn't to say I did not care about people's emotions until today, but... when people I knew were deeply wounded by a breakup, I could feel for them, or give advice and be there, but I never really understood the complicated emotions tied in with saying goodbye to someone you love. Its rough! I feel like from this I'll grow wiser and stronger... and someday be able to help my daughters/sons get through their first break ups because of this.

 

Nonetheless! I'm still in awe at my ex being able to flick his emotions like a switch. I'd say I'm envious, though I suppose if I could turn off like him, then I would never have learned as much as I have in the last two and a half months.[/quote]

 

Don't be so sure he's turned off his emotions. He may very well have completely internalized them, which is not healthy. At some point, those may come back to haunt him and he'll be filled with regret. And by then, you'll have fully explored and dealt with yours and will have completed your healing. In the long run, you'll be the one in a better space.

[MichiganMan222]

It is a great question and I'll let you know how my ex's new relationship turns out...she shut me out in the summer in favor of a new friend...he had no responsibilities and was at her beck & call where I had 'baggage' that made it hard for me to be there 24/7.....she filled my missing time with time with him....then decided to shut me down 100%...they were together days after....she has issues and they are now his. We'll see how that goes....by all indication, she was massively in love with me throughout the relationship....then when he came around, she shut it off like it was nothing

[Peter_pan]

its a great question, one that no one can answer. i still dont get how someone can do that. let go of you and start something with a new person, its like wtf...

 

how how how how how how how and why. but mainly how.

 

i remember saying on the phone in tears to her, how could you do this to me. she just said i havnt done anything.

 

 

riiiite. argh ;fowijf;ionwf ;inw;oiefnw;oifnfffff

[JooLee]

aahh the haunting question that has been on my mind for the past 4 months.

ya know whats my theory?

 

1) they never really loved us anyway (perharps not like we did or as much as we did)

 

2) that if you put any two people together n allow them to spend a considerable amount of time together, they are bound to develop feelings ( happens a lot in movies)

 

3) they still have love for us but they just decided it is not going to work out and therefore they surpress it or they just love us in a different way.

 

i dont think you can ever stop loving anyone. yeah the love can change, and the passion can wear out but love... is love... it wont go away. you stop being in love with someone yes, but you will still love a person in a way... like a friend, or like when that person will always have a special place in yr heart kinda thing.

 

just like how we are to our exes... im sure many of you are asking yourself if you are still in love with him or her [ when you start questioning, its a good sign ]

 

what i dont get is, how can someone just pretend the relationship never happened, and just ignore the person just like that. now that is inhuman...

should at least have the courtesy to acknowledge yr existence no?

 

but its okay, just goes out to show even more that they dont deserve us!

woo hoo!

[sedgwick]

I once left an ex for someone else, and it was a TERRIBLE decision. The new guy was exciting, but never loved me and ended up lying to me a lot. The old guy loved me and I made a really stupid choice to leave him. I have regretted it for years, and have apologized profusely to him. I feel terrible guilt over it, and it was five years ago. I think about him every day.

 

Of course, the ex who dumped me a year and a half ago dumped me for THE BASS. It wasn't even for someone real, it was for a piece of plywood. I know he hasn't had one second's guilt or thought about me at all. He doesn't speak to me and has totally ignored the two attempts I've made to speak to him. I love him with all my heart, but he doesn't even remember I exist. Of course, it's just me, and I'm pretty worthless, so I'm not surprised. If I were someone else I'm sure he'd care!! He used to say he loved me but obviously that was a total lie. He was probably just saying it to make me feel better, and I do appreciate that at least he pretended. It was the closest thing to love someone like me will probably ever get!

[cherryade]

Sedgwick, please don't feel so down. You did not deserve to be treated the way he treated you. All of us on here are obviously normal caring people who have been hurt, that's why we're on here; we don't understand how people can be so heartless because we're not that way.

 

It takes a lot to admit you made a mistake, and you have learnt from it, and many of us on here are wishing our ex's were like you - mature enough to be able to see and admit they were wrong, and to actually feel some regret for the mistakes they've made.

 

I'm sorry I can't say anything to make it any easier for you, but you have to just remember that there is someone out there deserving of the love you have to give, but they can't love you until you love you. You didn't deserve to be treated so badly, it's not a reflection of you, it's a reflection of him. Don't let him make you feel this way, he's not worth it. You didn't waste his time, he wasted yours.

[cashley]

Hey Tokyovouge,

 

You know of my situation...I left my X for a guy I met online... but, I was never in love, he represented a way out, but after a week I ended it, because he wasnt my X and I couldnt be with anyone else, let alone replace my X, even after the way id been treated. I both hated/ and loved my X.

 

My X got with another woman within 3 weeks of my leaving, and is still with her.

 

WFT? she doesnt matter? who is this woman, and how could he begin sharing his life with her?? HOW???? After all we went through, he went and replaced me!!! I lost many a nights sleep when I discovered about it. We live 1000kms apart, and he hid it from me.

 

YEP, he did, BECAUSE hes shallow, hes emotionally retarded, hes co-dependant, hes weak.

 

Recently when I saw him, he said.."I threw myself into (her) to 'forget' about you" . He also said it didnt work, he still thinks of me, and went out of his way to see me while I was in his home state last week.

 

anyway, im alone, by choice, I have decided I need some ME time, and am not ready for a relationship yet, ive got growing to do..

Im back in charge of ME and im loving it!

I am giving myself at least 6 months of single time before i even LOOK at another guy!

 

(im seeing someone but very casually, more of a 'booty call' than anything! Ive heard the saying..why buy the whole pig, when all you want is a bit of sausage!!) HA!

[lofi_tokyo]

 

 

anyway, im alone, by choice, I have decided I need some ME time, and am not ready for a relationship yet, ive got growing to do..

Im back in charge of ME and im loving it!

I am giving myself at least 6 months of single time before i even LOOK at another guy!

 

(im seeing someone but very casually, more of a 'booty call' than anything! Ive heard the saying..why buy the whole pig, when all you want is a bit of sausage!!) HA!

 

I really liked this bit, because it shows strength in being single! Makes me feel better, thank you!

 

And thanks everyone else for the responses - when I get blue I come here and reread the whole thread and feel more calm.

[Woggle]

For many men a good looking woman that will sleep with you and doesn't nag is good enough. One leaves you and you find another or if your current gf starts nagging too much and causing too much drama you just dump her and find a new one. I don't think this way but many men do and it works for them.

[lofi_tokyo]

For many men a good looking woman that will sleep with you and doesn't nag is good enough. One leaves you and you find another or if your current gf starts nagging too much and causing too much drama you just dump her and find a new one. I don't think this way but many men do and it works for them.

 

I think the drama stems FROM the man withdrawing though, so I guess its kind of a build-up:

Either the woman is dramatic a tiny bit first or the man pulls back a tiny bit first, and then:

Woman is more dramatic

Man pulls away more as a result

Woman gets more dramatic as a result

etcetc

 

But my question is, when the man walks away, how can he walk away from the love he had for the original woman? How does it fade so easily? ;p

[Woggle]

I think the drama stems FROM the man withdrawing though, so I guess its kind of a build-up:

Either the woman is dramatic a tiny bit first or the man pulls back a tiny bit first, and then:

Woman is more dramatic

Man pulls away more as a result

Woman gets more dramatic as a result

etcetc

 

But my question is, when the man walks away, how can he walk away from the love he had for the original woman? How does it fade so easily? ;p

 

The man fell in love with a loving women that treated him well and wanted him happy but she turned into a resentful nag that criticized everything he did so in his mind he is leaving the women she turned into. The original woman left a long time ago.

[cherryade]

The man fell in love with a loving women that treated him well and wanted him happy but she turned into a resentful nag that criticized everything he did so in his mind he is leaving the women she turned into. The original woman left a long time ago.

 

But what about when she didn't? What about when she did everything she could to make him happy, and they were happy, and suddenly he was gone?

[Woggle]

But what about when she didn't? What about when she did everything she could to make him happy, and they were happy, and suddenly he was gone?

 

I guess he just fell out of love but men don't usually leave a good relationship where he is being treated well.

[lofi_tokyo]

The man fell in love with a loving women that treated him well and wanted him happy but she turned into a resentful nag that criticized everything he did so in his mind he is leaving the women she turned into. The original woman left a long time ago.

 

 

Hahaha harsh! I definately nagged him - I tried so hard not to, but he was walking all over me, so I had to step in. In bed, for example, he would never ever try to please me - until I said something. For plane tickets, I worked will being in honors english, my ex was taking 2-3 classes and did not get a job to help pay for tickets - so I picked up the whole tab. I never nagged him about things like - being more cleanly, changing his style, how hard he worked in school, I never even told him to get a job so much as asked him to help pay for tickets.

 

He only visited here 2 times while we dated (2.5 yrs), so occasionally I nagged him about that.

 

 

I guess all in all, even if I feel my nagging was justified, you are right in that when we broke up, he told me he just was tired of feeling like hes always letting me down. With his new girlfriend, he isn't, he feels good around her.

I think thats why for the most part I accept our break up - things just were not working as they stood. We were in a cycle that was not fixing itself. So we had to move on, or take time apart.

 

Again though - is it so easy to stop loving someone?

By the sounds of your explanation, maybe, but personally, despite all the ****ty things my ex did to me long before we broke up, I still had love in my heart for him.

[cherryade]

I guess he just fell out of love but men don't usually leave a good relationship where he is being treated well.

 

Well he did. And if he fell out of love he must have fallen pretty quickly. And again, how?

[lofi_tokyo]

I guess in my case, it just comes down to us being incompatible. I had standards, which were pretty low, I had to lie to my friends about how I was treated, but they were still too high for him, or something.

 

Whatever initially caused us to fall apart, I may never know, I don't plan on focusing on that.

 

Still I feel you haven't answered my initial question there Woggle! How is it that the man just falls out of love, even if it was out of love with the original fun girl from the beginning?

[sedgwick]

For many men a good looking woman that will sleep with you and doesn't nag is good enough. One leaves you and you find another or if your current gf starts nagging too much and causing too much drama you just dump her and find a new one.

 

Oh how I wish that were actually true! My ex used to tell me all the time that I was the most easygoing gf he'd ever had. When he didn't want to go on tour, I told him he was living the dream and had to go and bring joy to those who listened, I didn't whine that he needed to stay home and be with me.

 

I used to get so sad when I'd hear other musicians say they wished they didn't tour so much so they could be with their gf or wife or whatever. Mine would come back from tour and spend his few days off either going on the road with another band or playing music locally, and would sometimes tell me he couldn't sleep at my place that night because he hadn't slept with his bass in a while. (And yes, I really mean put it in bed with him where I would have been.) His bandmates would stay at home with their girlfriends. It just broke my heart, but again, I never nagged. I was so careful not to do that.

 

Plus, I always wanted sex, always. Maybe it's because I wasn't good-looking? That's the only one of your requirements I didn't meet. But I *am* a bellydancer and would do belly rolls underneath him in bed, plus all the naked shimmies, which I let him know I'd never done for anyone else, and which I thought should have counted for something.

 

TV, this dude was totally not worthy of you. Seriously. He sounds like a heartless, clueless jerk.

[gwynieatpain]

I guess in my case, it just comes down to us being incompatible. I had standards, which were pretty low, I had to lie to my friends about how I was treated, but they were still too high for him, or something.

 

Whatever initially caused us to fall apart, I may never know, I don't plan on focusing on that.

 

Still I feel you haven't answered my initial question there Woggle! How is it that the man just falls out of love, even if it was out of love with the original fun girl from the beginning?

 

I have read a book in Japanese (not really good at it), saying that there are two types of people: one tend to seek for good ending of a relationship, while the other tend to enjoy the time and the so-called 'process' (ya bad translation I know) of the relationship. Most of the women are the first type relationship seeker and men tend to be the second type.

 

People change overtime. They fall for you today doesn't mean they will feel the same towards you one year after because their 'desire' will change. But grown-up men are more stable because their 'desire' towards women are more or less established (That's not always the case though, sad I know). Even so, if you are not the one for them or they don't have thoughts about future of you two ... most likely he's only the second type of relationship seeker and will move on more easier than the first type.