Totally Disappeared Without A Trace

[xflower]

Me and this guy had been flirting for months. BTW, I am divorced - late 30s.

 

After dropping numerous hints he finally got around to asking me out. The first date went really well and we had a great time. He was funny and charming and it was a lot of fun.The very first date he asked me if I was seeing other people. I said I date and thats all. Later he asked the same question. The reason I mention this is I am seeing multiple people and wanted to make it clear from the beginning. He doesnt need to know who I am seeing.

 

Anyway we we went out a bunch of times. All the while he was very charming. After a few dates we had a great make out session. I would have gone home with him if had pursued it. But he didnt, he just kind of paced it and joked around about sleeping on my couch. I thought for sure he wanted me that bad. The week after the make out session we saw each other briefly but we were both busy.

 

Than he seemed to changed. He kind of became a bit clingy and looking to please me. What happened to the confidence and the laughing. He was apologizing for things he had no control over.

 

Anyway we had a date, went to dinner, than the movies. Dinner went great and we talked non stop. The movie not so good and I really didnt enjoy it. At the end of the night I guess he thought he was going to get laid. He offered to take me home. I said I can do it and gave him a kiss on the cheek and went home. That was the last time I spoke with him.

 

On my way home I got a text message that he wanted to see me that Saturday. This was mid week. I thought yuck, its not even cold yet. Than when I got home he sent me an email that he had a good time. He mentioned that he could tell I have been hurt and would never do anything to hurt me. He did not ask me out in the email. I did not respond to either items.

 

After that I did not hear from him for about a week. I was out with another friend and I got a text message asking "r u there" and a voice mail saying he hadnt seen me in a week, how have I been, blah, blah.. Than later I got a txt message saying I like you, I care about you but I sense something is not right. If you dont want to see me, just tell me. Than a last one saying everything is cool and it passes in time.

 

Needless to say I did not respond to any of this as I am ambivalent about him. Kind of clingy and needy if you ask me. Just so you know I generally dont call men or pursue them. Its the mans job to do this.

 

After this he totally dropped off the planet. I have not spoken to him in like 6 weeks already. After the one phone call and those text messages after the date he has done NOTHING. No phone calls, no emails or text messages.

I saw him once in the cafe about 3 weeks ago and he totally ignored me like I was not even there. He did not even say hi. I even walked really slow hoping he would catch up. He didnt.

 

Than about a week ago I walked by his office, he was standing there chatting with his coworker. I looked at him and he looked at me and NOTHING. Not hi and a smile. Absolutely NOTHING.

 

I am kind of surprised at the reaction. I figured for sure - ok I didnt call him back but I thought he would still pursue me and I would have time to make up my mind.

 

Isnt that what men are supposed to do? Somebody explain to me whats going on.

[torranceshipman]

He made a big effort with you, and you responded by ignoring his emails and texts. Clearly he felt disrespected.

 

I can't believe you are so irked/confused by his reaction. It's also strange that you expected him to make another move on you after you treated him like that...and why on earth would he pick up on the slow walking thing?! If you two were to have another conversation I think you'd need to initiate it. He might also have found another girl. so possibly he just isnt interested in you anymore.

[flyingtim01]

Maybe I have a different perspective on things...but I'm sorta puzzled by how confused you are. From what I understand, you went on a bunch of dates, you made out, and you were disappointed that things didn't go further. Then, when he tried to take things further, you shut him down and ignored him. I'm guessing that he really liked you, to be able to turn a blind eye to the way you were treating him and still try to make contact with you for a while. I'm not the least bit surprised that he seems to have moved on. I would say that if you really are interested in this guy (and not just interested in having one more guy interested in you) you would need to contact him. I'm also a little unsure about why "clingy" and "looking to please" are getting lumped into the same category. Oh well. Good luck.

[kashmir]

The thing about him texting you right after your date and emailing you does seem a little clingy, but besides that it sounds like this guy did nothing too bad.

 

You keep saying that you don't pursue men, but you were ignoring all of his attempts to contact you? The guy obviously had some trust in you and thought he could open up to you, saying that he liked you and wanted to fix things if they weren't alright, but you interpreted that as clingy and blew him off. No **** he hasn't contacted you for six weeks. He's moved on and he wants nothing to do with you, because you essentially told him a long time ago that you want nothing to do with him.

 

I swear, this is so weird. You first say that men are supposed to pursue. When he pursues, you ignore him, so he stops. Now you're wondering why he hasn't tried again? You realize that if he kept texting and emailing you every few days you would find him to be more and more needy and creepy, right? Guys don't pursue to the ends of the earth. They know when they're not wanted and they find something better to do.

 

It sounds to me like you enjoyed the fact that this guy's attention and it gave you an ego boost when you blew him off. Now he got smart and cut that off, and you're still wanting his attention.

[Geishawhelk]

Let me take the Chaff out of all of this for you, leave the wheat, and see if you can make a loaf.....

 

Me and this guy had been flirting for months. After dropping numerous hints he finally got around to asking me out. he asked me if I was seeing other people. I said I date and thats all. I am seeing multiple people and wanted to make it clear from the beginning. He doesnt need to know who I am seeing.

 

After a few dates we had a great make out session. I would have gone home with him if had pursued it. I thought for sure he wanted me that bad. Than he seemed to changed. He kind of became a bit clingy and looking to please me.

At the end of the night I guess he thought he was going to get laid. He offered to take me home. I said I can do it and went home. That was the last time I spoke with him.

 

On my way home I got a text message that he wanted to see me that Saturday. I thought yuck, its not even cold yet. he sent me an email . He mentioned that he could tell I have been hurt and would never do anything to hurt me. I did not respond to either items.

 

I got a text message asking "r u there" and a voice mail saying he hadnt seen me in a week, how have I been, blah, blah.. I got a txt message saying I like you, I care about you but I sense something is not right. If you dont want to see me, just tell me.

Needless to say I did not respond to any of this as I am ambivalent about him. Kind of clingy and needy if you ask me. Just so you know I generally dont call men or pursue them. Its the mans job to do this.

 

I saw him once in the cafe he totally ignored me. I even walked really slow hoping he would catch up. He didnt.

 

Than about a week ago I walked by his office, I looked at him and he looked at me and NOTHING. Not hi and a smile. Absolutely NOTHING.

 

I am kind of surprised at the reaction. I figured for sure - ok I didnt call him back but I thought he would still pursue me and I would have time to make up my mind.

 

Isnt that what men are supposed to do? Somebody explain to me whats going on.

 

You don't have the first clue about how to treat someone nicely, you expect them to have some kind of psychic power and be able to tell what's on your mind, and read it, and know what you want.

At the same time, you expect him to do all the running, chatting, chasing, begging, drooling like a puppy - but it would do no good anyway.

because you only do things on your terms - providing they chase you that's all good.

 

How on earth have you gotten this far, with that attitude.....?

 

I think you need to seek professional help because it seems to me as if - honestly - you have a mild dysfunction.

This is just not right, not right at all.

[Crow9726]

I understand where the guy was coming from. Just from what I picked up...it seems he was taking his time to get to know you better. He didn't want to blow things by trying to steer you into sex early on...was showing you respect.

 

I am 51 and no closer to figuring out women than I was as a teenager. For whatever reason...I pursue gracefully and in a gentlemanly manner. I am not a bad boy but I'm not a doormat either. Unfortunately, I do find myself friend-zoned more often than I would like.

 

I have seen many of my peers be in hot pursuit of a woman...then get shot down for coming across as a player. I have seen them approach a lady and date casually...then try to turn it into more...only to be shot down with the proverbial "you're such a nice guy...but" line. I have heard that one myself more times than I care to remember.

 

Does this whole thing wrap back around to the women who want the bad boys...the ones who will eventually use and abuse them...while the more solid, stable and respectful nice guy gets to watch from afar?

 

I have noticed more and more that men are either being singled out for being too much of a man's man...or for being too nice and agreeable. If stereotypes are in order...then I would have to lump the originator of this post as being cold hearted...hateful toward men...and unable to deal with someone who obviously thought of her as special.

 

All it would have taken was for you to acknowledge him...to give him some sort of validation. Instead...you ignore him and blame him for it...constructing a rationale that seems apparent to you...but transparent to me. That type of behavior has made him gun shy...and may affect him to the point of trying to change his personality so that he can appear to be someone he's not.

 

He will probably think twice before approaching someone new any time soon...having been burned by such a callous and selfish attitude.

[Charles1978]

Hah I can't believe you are surprised. I would have done exactly the same thing he did. Move on... afterall, he sure has.

[mental_traveller]

This one is easy. You signalled you are not that into him. You even admit it in your post. He cottoned on, and realised it was a waste of time to pursue you. Guys pursue women who they are crazy about and who they think they have a good chance with. He is moderately interested but not crazy about you, and he can see (anyone who isn't blind could) that you are not really that interested in him.

 

He isn't a dumbass so he wrote you off as a lost cause and figured why waste any more time.

 

I would just ask, why as you so interested in why a guy who you don't want doesn't want you? Just let it be and move on.

[mental_traveller]

I understand where the guy was coming from. Just from what I picked up...it seems he was taking his time to get to know you better. He didn't want to blow things by trying to steer you into sex early on...was showing you respect.

 

I am 51 and no closer to figuring out women than I was as a teenager. For whatever reason...I pursue gracefully and in a gentlemanly manner. I am not a bad boy but I'm not a doormat either. Unfortunately, I do find myself friend-zoned more often than I would like.

 

I have seen many of my peers be in hot pursuit of a woman...then get shot down for coming across as a player. I have seen them approach a lady and date casually...then try to turn it into more...only to be shot down with the proverbial "you're such a nice guy...but" line. I have heard that one myself more times than I care to remember.

 

Does this whole thing wrap back around to the women who want the bad boys...the ones who will eventually use and abuse them...while the more solid, stable and respectful nice guy gets to watch from afar?

 

I have noticed more and more that men are either being singled out for being too much of a man's man...or for being too nice and agreeable. If stereotypes are in order...then I would have to lump the originator of this post as being cold hearted...hateful toward men...and unable to deal with someone who obviously thought of her as special.

 

All it would have taken was for you to acknowledge him...to give him some sort of validation. Instead...you ignore him and blame him for it...constructing a rationale that seems apparent to you...but transparent to me. That type of behavior has made him gun shy...and may affect him to the point of trying to change his personality so that he can appear to be someone he's not.

 

He will probably think twice before approaching someone new any time soon...having been burned by such a callous and selfish attitude.

 

Much as I hate to try and give "advice" to someone my senior, I would just say that with the right woman, none of that stuff matters. Forget trying to fit into someone else's expectations, just be 100% yourself, and wait for a woman who really digs how you are.

 

If some lady thinks you're too nice - you're not the guy for her and vice versa. Some woman thinks you're too much of a player - you're not the guy for her and vice versa. Some woman thinks you're just the right mix of gentleman and ahole? Go for it, she wants to bonk your brains out and have your babies.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

If a guy blew me off the way you blew this guy off, I would respond the same way.

 

Geez, if you completely ignore someone you are going to make them feel like shyte and yes, they will back off.

 

I think you are done with this one, but for the future, if you are feeling ambiguous about someone, then don't ignore them completely. Keep the door open. If you decide you don't want to see them, then when they request communication like this guy did, then you simply tell them that you don't think it is a match but you've enjoyed spending time with him. That is the respectful thing to do.

[InLimbo2]

What's going on? The guy dodged a bullet - you.

 

 

 

Me and this guy had been flirting for months. BTW, I am divorced - late 30s.

 

After dropping numerous hints he finally got around to asking me out. The first date went really well and we had a great time. He was funny and charming and it was a lot of fun.The very first date he asked me if I was seeing other people. I said I date and thats all. Later he asked the same question. The reason I mention this is I am seeing multiple people and wanted to make it clear from the beginning. He doesnt need to know who I am seeing.

 

Anyway we we went out a bunch of times. All the while he was very charming. After a few dates we had a great make out session. I would have gone home with him if had pursued it. But he didnt, he just kind of paced it and joked around about sleeping on my couch. I thought for sure he wanted me that bad. The week after the make out session we saw each other briefly but we were both busy.

 

Than he seemed to changed. He kind of became a bit clingy and looking to please me. What happened to the confidence and the laughing. He was apologizing for things he had no control over.

 

Anyway we had a date, went to dinner, than the movies. Dinner went great and we talked non stop. The movie not so good and I really didnt enjoy it. At the end of the night I guess he thought he was going to get laid. He offered to take me home. I said I can do it and gave him a kiss on the cheek and went home. That was the last time I spoke with him.

 

On my way home I got a text message that he wanted to see me that Saturday. This was mid week. I thought yuck, its not even cold yet. Than when I got home he sent me an email that he had a good time. He mentioned that he could tell I have been hurt and would never do anything to hurt me. He did not ask me out in the email. I did not respond to either items.

 

After that I did not hear from him for about a week. I was out with another friend and I got a text message asking "r u there" and a voice mail saying he hadnt seen me in a week, how have I been, blah, blah.. Than later I got a txt message saying I like you, I care about you but I sense something is not right. If you dont want to see me, just tell me. Than a last one saying everything is cool and it passes in time.

 

Needless to say I did not respond to any of this as I am ambivalent about him. Kind of clingy and needy if you ask me. Just so you know I generally dont call men or pursue them. Its the mans job to do this.

 

After this he totally dropped off the planet. I have not spoken to him in like 6 weeks already. After the one phone call and those text messages after the date he has done NOTHING. No phone calls, no emails or text messages.

I saw him once in the cafe about 3 weeks ago and he totally ignored me like I was not even there. He did not even say hi. I even walked really slow hoping he would catch up. He didnt.

 

Than about a week ago I walked by his office, he was standing there chatting with his coworker. I looked at him and he looked at me and NOTHING. Not hi and a smile. Absolutely NOTHING.

 

I am kind of surprised at the reaction. I figured for sure - ok I didnt call him back but I thought he would still pursue me and I would have time to make up my mind.

 

Isnt that what men are supposed to do? Somebody explain to me whats going on.

[xflower]

Well the honest truth is I was dating someone he knew (and sleeping with him). So when he asked if I was seeing someone the truth is I was but I liked this guy too. I was kind of ambivalent about the first guy and was sampling other men.

 

I had no intention of it getting as far as it did. It just kind of steamrolled after the make out session. I think the guy I ignored would be incredible in bed - he knows exactly what buttons to push with a woman. But he wouldnt take the next step even though I was almost offering myself on a platter to him.

 

After he got a bit clingy and insecure the week after the make out session is when I stopped returning his calls and txts. I am still seeing the first guy and the second guy does not know about him (I think though I am not sure). I have heard nothing through the grapevine that he blabbed that he was with me. He has just disappeared.

 

It kind of annoys me because I would like him to talk to me but now he wont.

[InLimbo2]

Unbelievable that you can't see what you're all about. I hope he continues to dodge the bullet....

 

 

It kind of annoys me because I would like him to talk to me but now he wont.

[carhill]

Like sand through the hourglass

 

OP, don't be annoyed. This is something which will happen to you a lot in life. You're young and figure every man wants you. For now, enjoy that.

[deciduous]

Is this a made up thread? Do you want this guy to chase you for your own amusement while you are sleeping with his friend?

[jayOG]

WOW. Definitely disrespectful. I had someone act in a similar fashion. I made every effort to hang out with her, we had excellent communication, lots of chemistry, unbelievable sexual tension. She had just moved back my area and had to get settled, which I completely understand and she told me she would be busy for the next two weeks. However, she found time to hang out with her friends and family, but not me. I was only asking for lunch... Anyways I got fed up of being blown off so i sent her an e-mail telling her whats up. She contacted me a few weeks later, but I was still angry about being disrespected. I ignored her. Contacted me again about a month ago. I sent her an e-mail... She hasn't contacted me since. To some extent I understand her actions and it is partly my fault, I tend to be extremely intimidating. I didn't provide her with any real feelings of security and she knows i'm out of her league...

 

Realistically that dude should be incredibly angry and there is no reason why he should want to talk to you let alone chase you. I would seriously consider apologizing to him if you are serious about him.

[Trimmer]

...I did not respond to either items....

 

...Needless to say I did not respond to any of this as I am ambivalent about him....

 

I have not spoken to him in like 6 weeks already....

 

I am kind of surprised at the reaction. I figured for sure - ok I didnt call him back but I thought he would still pursue me and I would have time to make up my mind.

 

Isnt that what men are supposed to do? Somebody explain to me whats going on.

He figured you out and moved on. As others have pointed out, the surprise is that you are surprised.

 

It kind of annoys me because I would like him to talk to me but now he wont.

Hmmmm..... I wonder if that's how he felt.....

[xflower]

Everyone says they know what I am all about, so tell me what everyone thinks I am all about? I want to hear what people think.

 

What I find funny with this guy is he used to chat me up all the time, come by and visit. Now the last few times I have seen him he has said nothing and totally ignored me. I have not said anything either...

 

Honestly I am kind of uncomfortable with the whole thing.

[lady_door]

Are you serious?^^

 

This guy did everything to get through to you and you turned every single attempt down... and now you honetly wonder why he does not want to talk to you anymore?

 

Let me ask you something: How would you feel if the situation was reversed? Let's say you're dating a guy, you have a great time together, you make out. At some point you try to take it to the next level and he walks off. You call him or text him or whatever, telling him you like him. He doesn't answer. You try again. He keeps ignoring you. What would you do?

[2sure]

I underdstand wanting to be pursued...and I agree, I think its the guys job. Possibly you were being somewhat coy by ignoring his attempts at pursuit. Some guys love the challenge.

 

After 6 weeks of his not calling you, after you walking past him several times to get his attention and his ignoring you completely....

 

Clearly, you are the one in pursuit.

And he isnt interested.

 

Maybe you should just come right out and ask him to give you another chance?

[xflower]

I dont think I am being as blatant as pursuing him. I walked by and if he wants to talk there I am. I am just surprised he wont even say hi to me now.

 

I know that he wants me. He wanted me before and I am sure he wants me again. We had great physical chemistry like I said.

 

Just because I did not call him back is no reason to totally disappear like he did. I thought all men loved the pursuit.

[bubblegum]

Wow your actions aren't saying that you're playing hard to get in order to allow him the pleasure of pursuing you, your actions screamed that you were blowing him off. No interest... the way you ignored all of his calls, VMs, texts after your last date would be how I'd act if I definately didn't want to go out with the guy ever again and thought he had disrespected me in some way. That is, if I felt he disrespected me I might simply never respond to him again to make it clear that he's not worth my time.

 

And the way you're not listening to what posters here have been saying, but keep insisting that he wants you and you're shocked he's not pursuing you... well, makes me just keep saying "WOW" over and over...... OH MY!

[zicke]

Yes, men do like the pursuit--but they need to know that they are not wasting their time either. Such as is the case with you--you ignored numerous contacts from him. At that point he realized that you obviously aren't interested in him.

 

I don't get why this is so hard for you to understand.

[lady_door]

Just because I did not call him back is no reason to totally disappear like he did. I thought all men loved the pursuit.

 

Men probably enjoy the pursuit but they don't like running after people who completely ignore them.

 

To make it short: whether you understand it or not, he won't talk to you again unless you make the first step. That's a given.

[casanovacorner]

LOL. This is funny. He is doing what I like to call "putting the ball in his court." I do it all the time. You pursue, then show no interest at all, then they wonder why you're not interested, and they come after you. The problem is, he doesn't even know its working and did it by accident.

 

You must not be that bright of a person when it comes to men. Everyone has told you over and over again. You blew him off, were rude, non responsive, and you wonder why he doesn't want a woman like that? Maybe him and his friend talked and his friend is only sleeping with you because they think you may be a whore? There are lots of possibilities. If me and my friend found out (happened before), we wouldn't say a word to you about it. We both have sex with you, then tell you we found out about it a long time ago.

 

There are plenty of reasons he may be ignoring you, you just need to pick one.