michelangelo Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 When my wife first cheated I did not tell anyone but her own parents. But the context was in trying to get her to turn it around after what she said was a one-time thing. She had agreed to tell them and kept avoiding it. However, I should have told EVERYBODY. Her friends, mine, my family, all of hers, work acquaintances, her clients. Why? Because she was continuing to cheat -- for many years. Exposing her crappy behavior may not have made things between us better, but it would have brought things to head without the humiliating waste of the many years. Her selfishness during that time has wounded me in so many ways. And her being able to spin history to justify herself even as she says she is sorry, is amazing. The truth should have been told. It has now, so many years later. The effect is more of a shining of the light at me for not having kept her in line. Pisses me off. I kinda wish I'd done the email to everyone and billboard thing.
cherrymoon Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 Michelangelo, You didn't because you wanted to fix your marriage. The waste of years trying to do it i understand are frustrating but your dignity and capacity to love are something you should be proud of. Things I know will work out for you once you are ready. You have way to much to give. I have no doubt happiness is just around the corner for you.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 If the BS is allowed to out all the H/W sins then is the H/W allowed to expose the BS for his reaction if that information could lose them their job and their kids? How would one's reaction to a cheating spouse cost them their job? And so what if a WS blabs to everyone what their BS's "reaction" was? If I was listening to some unscrupulous wife/husband slamming their spouse, I'd just ask, "are you as a cheater trying to earn some points with me or something?"
Dexter Morgan Posted November 24, 2008 Posted November 24, 2008 When my wife first cheated I did not tell anyone but her own parents. I only told when asked. I didn't readily offer up information or start calling people, with the exception of a close friend and my family, because of course, they would have asked anyway. And my kids are too young. I won't tell them what happened. But when they grow up, if asked, I'll tell them. Not going to lie to them. If they want to know why their home was destroyed, I'll tell them. but unless they ask, I won't.
65tr6 Posted November 25, 2008 Posted November 25, 2008 I did not expose my H's affair to anyone. I did however, gather up documented evidence, including info on families of OW(s) , then tell him and them that full exposure would be forthcoming if I had any small inkling of future contact. That in itself initially made my H angry. He was possibly more upset because as a public official, the exposure would also hurt his career. He was angry I think until he realized that I was not bluffing. He realized the risk of exposure was 100% his whether I had found out or not. . that is exactly my thinking too. I gathered all the info about the OM and have it handy. I told my wife and she was surprised i knew all the details about the OM. The moment i see any contact, I WILL send the email and let everyone know. I mean everyone. What do others think ? By the way, this is not out of anger but the fact that I will not put up with this in my home. I honestly dont think she will do it but then again I never thought she would cheat !
travelgirl Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 With respect to other people, and my family, I kept quiet about it after D-Day because I knew that the more people knew, and especially my family, the harder it would be for us to reconcile. Which is what we were nominally trying to do for about two months after D-Day. Once she called an end to the attempted reconciliation and we began preparations to separate, I told my family members. That pissed her off. However, I didn't regret it, and I told her so. Basically what I said was that any obligation I had to protect her precious reputation died the moment she decided she no longer wanted to work on the marriage. As of that moment, my need to recover my strength and my sanity, by talking freely to the people who actually DID love me and care about me, took complete priority over her need to keep her misdeeds secret. I couldn't rely on her for emotional support anymore, so I turned to my family and friends. This is exactly how I feel. Right now we are attempting to reconcile and the only person that knows is his mom. 1. because she is pro-marriage for us and 2. we needed babysitting help for MC and didn't want to lie to her all the time. She has been a tremendous help for me. But, if these leads to us separating, even if I am the one who decides it, I will be all means tell people close to me because I will need emotional support. I won't send out mass hate mail or even just tell anyone but I why should I care about his reputation? It isn't going to be a closed secret. How can it be??
mopar crazy Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 I didn't need to expose their A, they were stupid and not careful. Co-workers of theirs exposed their A w/ no help from me. How stupid can one be to tell your W of 11 years you want a D and then less than a month later go to a ball game together where several ppl would know who you were? Ppl aren't stupid. If it had been several months of us being separated ppl would have thought he would have started dating again. But to show up at a game less than a month w/ some woman that wasn't your W, what do you think ppl are going to say? The xOW H also did his share of exposing the A. The only person I told of the A was my family. All my close friends already knew about it, there was no need to tell them. They were the ones that informed me. We lived in a small town and word spreads like wildfire there so I didn't feel that I needed to tell anyone, ppl were going to talk.
Maladjusted Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 I found out about my spouse's affair and told both of our families. Her sister and brother in law already knew, in fact the brother in law was at the location the night it happened. I caught the OM contacting my wife and told him never to call my wife again, then sent a letter to his manager (he worked with my wife) and advised him that his employee was inappropriately contacting my wife after she had quit her job. I never told the guy's wife, though I really want to. I was afraid it would hinder the healing of our marriage.
OWoman Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 I doubt that is the only response she got. It was. Particularly with her history of having cheated on her first H. She may have "forgotten", but no one else had.
Author Reggie Posted November 26, 2008 Author Posted November 26, 2008 Karma, eh, OW? Yeah, I've seen that before with my first wife(a serial cheater). Her second husband returned the favor and she seemed to lack standing to be a true victim.
avenger Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 reggie so true! my ex gf was the same way! "what are you doing here" lol Game over for her..... no more of me in her life.....
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 I'm trying to follow some of these threads but I don't know what a BS or WS is? Any other acronyms you can help me with?
OWoman Posted November 30, 2008 Posted November 30, 2008 I'm trying to follow some of these threads but I don't know what a BS or WS is? Any other acronyms you can help me with? You can find those - and others - here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/faq.php?faq=messages#faq_acronyms
pelicanpreacher Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 When it comes to the issue of exposure it is often the case that the WS will do a bit of trash talking to friends, family, and business associates in a pre-emptive effort to mitigate any negative fallout that should occur if their affair is exposed. It is ,therefore, important for the BS to know that only through exposure of the affair that the any public spinning done by the WS is balanced by the truth of why the marriage has hit the rocks. If infidelity occured as a result of the WS's selfishness or loss of respect for the BS in order to justify their decision to embark on an affair then their reputation in the eyes of the BS is moot so exposure is not only warranted but also necessary to undermine the pedestal of arrogance the WS has placed themselves on. If the perception of others within the WS's sphere of influence is important to them then risk of exposure by the BS comes with a multi-edged sword when considering all the possible outcomes presented by other posters of this action so one should know one's own situation and goals explicitly before taking this critical step.
reservoirdog1 Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 Well any man that knew of her reputation before hand would be a fool to hook up with her. I don't care how many years have gone by. The guy she got together with (after we split -- he wasn't one of the OMs) and is now engaged to is 20 years older than her and a fellow cheater. I used to find this laughably ironic; I said as much to a few mutual friends, and the low regard I had for her, him and their relationship did work its way back to her. Though she and I did have some blowups over this, she pretty much weathered the storm and let time do the healing. From what I understand, she's done quite a bit to remake herself and get rid of what was a pretty slutty reputation. As far as I'm aware, her efforts are genuine, i.e. I haven't heard anything to suggest that she screws around on her fiance, or vice versa. Like I said, she and I now get along quite well. I can't say I've really re-developed any particular warmth towards her, beyond what I'd display to somebody I know socially. But I'm comfortable being in their presence, no worries. I don't know if her past misdeeds are still the stuff of gossip and snickering, or not. I know they were for a few years. But, it's been five years since we split, so I think it's largely passed.
Dexter Morgan Posted December 1, 2008 Posted December 1, 2008 The guy she got together with (after we split -- he wasn't one of the OMs) and is now engaged to is 20 years older than her and a fellow cheater. Take comfort in the fact that the deserve each other and will be having their own drama in the near future. , i.e. I haven't heard anything to suggest that she screws around on her fiance, or vice versa. Well crap man, give it time. Even a ho can refrain from cheating for a while during the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship.
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