Exposing the Affair

[Reggie]

Just wondering how folks handled giving out information about their WS's affair. I'd been through this once before and , basically, kept mum. This time, I did not hold back and I told friends, family and some strangesr about the cheating.

We divorced, which was good. But, my ex has mentioned how angry she is about my having "trashed " her. I could not care less that she is angry.

Also, when you found out about the cheating and inquired of your spouse, in addition to lying , did you face anger. I was amazed at how angry my XW became that I had busted her. It made no sense as she was the cheater and I merely followed up on my suspicions and they panned out. Something wrong with these cheaters. They get pissed for being busted and indignent that you do not protect their reputations. It just shows how self centered and irrational they are.

[Owl]

Well, in my situation, my wife was set to leave me to go live with him when she was confronted with the 'proof' on d-day.

 

He bought her plane tickets as soon as he found out that I was aware of the affair.

 

So...I didn't see any reason to "hide it" from anyone. I called most of my family asking for their support while I tried to figure out how to deal with the whole sitaution.

 

If I ran into any of her friends or mutual friends...I told them point blank that she was leaving me for someone else she'd met online.

 

At one point, the only person that I thought she MIGHT listen to would be her sister...who I knew would be a supporter of our marriage, so I called her and gave her the full info. I asked her to talk with my wife to see if she could "get through" to her. She didn't get through, but she DID sow some seeds of doubt.

 

So that was the extent of my "exposure".

 

All of this was done without any knowledge of the MB methods or plans. It just made sense to me.

 

It paid off too...because it DID sew those seeds of doubt. And, it turned out that one of my sisters had been involved in an EA that I was unaware of...but had ended it on her own. And so she was a good advocate for our marriage but could 'relate' to my wife's situation.

 

As far as getting angry at being busted...that came AFTER she ended up not leaving to live with OM. She TRIED to turn all that back on me as I've heard done here and other places...but it simply held no water, and after a while, even she could see how silly she sounded doing that.

 

I'm a strong advocate of exposure as long as there is some thought behind it. Be careful not to involve people that won't support the marriage, or that won't be able to "forgive" and accept your spouse back if they DO repent and decide to reconcile. Don't let it create an environment that is so hostile they don't see a way back.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Just wondering how folks handled giving out information about their WS's affair.

 

I told no one at all until about 8 mos later when I filed for divorce. At that point I told two best girlfriends because I knew I would need support and someone to talk though things as I planned the D. Eventually, more people found out/speculated because we were leading separate lives. HE told his friends that it was me that wanted my freedom .

 

Also, when you found out about the cheating and inquired of your spouse, in addition to lying , did you face anger.

 

OH, yeah! See what you are doing to us... ect... ad nauseum. Yep tons of anger. I finally asked.... what is it you needed from me, to PRETEND to believe your lies, because obviously you know I don't, and it only bothers you when you are reminded of that.

 

One month before the D trial, he changed his tune and asked for a reconciliation. Its been a crazy road ever since but I've learned tons about myself and grown personally (the proverbial silver lining).

[travelgirl]

I am curious to hear other responses because having found out about my husband's EA recently, I have kept quiet except for his mom because we are close and I knew she would be a supporter of the marriage if we decided to reconcile and I needed someone to vent to who would understand. I have a 7yr old daughter and that makes me not want to tell other people for fear it will spread like wildfire. I do not want her to find out about this as she is old enough to grasp it but not old enough to understand it.

 

My mom recently passed and I know this would greatly upset my Dad. I am on the fence whether I should tell my 2 sisters. I am close but not super close to them and I am not sure if it is the right thing to do.

 

I can see the dilemma. Outing it is hurtful for everyone but at least it is out there and having others talking to both of you might help. Then again, keeping it quiet can allow you to both handle it without negative interference from others or prevent hurting any children if it is ever slipped in front of them or they hear it in a phone conversation.

 

If I do decide to divorce, then yes I will tell people that I trust and need for support but I won't tell my 7yr old or badmouth him all over town. I need to think about my daughter and what is best for her.

[jwi71]

Oh Reggie I went nuts. I emailed the proof to every email contact she had. Then, I emailed every contact in her work as well. I then sent it to every email contact I had. I literally sent out at least 400 emails. Easily. I emailed the pastor, her teachers, her friends...everyone. I omitted no one.

 

When we met people, if the topic of "us" came up I would say we are struggling to survive her affair. With my W standing right there.

 

When asked why I was forfeiting a large wad of cash by backing out of our new home build...I was honest. When I sold my Porsche and the dealer asked why...I was honest.

 

It is a fine line. There was a point when my "honesty" became cruelty. Our MC asked that I not mention it again unless the topic specifically came up in normal conversation. So I did.

 

I even considered a full page ad in our paper (big city, large circulation) outing them both by name. I didn't. But it was a thought.

 

Thats what I did anyway.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Oh Reggie I went nuts. I emailed the proof to every email contact she had. Then, I emailed every contact in her work as well. I then sent it to every email contact I had. I literally sent out at least 400 emails. Easily. I emailed the pastor, her teachers, her friends...everyone. I omitted no one.

 

A dear friend of mine did the same thing! Your post made me laugh! I was humiliated, would have walked through fire to make sure no one ever found out, it took months to realize that it wasn't about me! That he was the one who should be humiliated!

 

When I told him I had filed for divorce and that one of several grounds was adultery, he went nuts. Don't you know they put that in the paper, people will read that, people who respect me, how could YOU do that???

 

Ummm..... lets see...

[Reggie]

Yes, that anger/hostility reaction is very strange. I understand the theory, the need to blame, the anger at themselves turned outward, the anger that the bubble is about to burst, etc.

But, even knowing this, I am amazed at how one cannot be embarrassed by the absurdity of the reaction. You'd think that one part of their rational brain would remain functional and send a signal that "hey, wait a minute. I cheated. I have no right to behave like this. I am not the injured party, etc".

Now, I will be the first to admit that my XW is a dim bulb to begin with. She looks good, but God short changed her in the candlepower department, But, even with these intellectual limitations, her "reasoning" is beyond belief.

[Owl]

They do become embarassed at their actions...later.

 

But they can't be embarassed at them at the time...because doing so would make them "wrong".

 

And the fog in their mind prevents that from happening at that time.

 

Its just one more emotional defense mechanism of the wayward mind, just like re-writing marital history.

[SRV]

"When I told him I had filed for divorce and that one of several grounds was adultery, he went nuts. Don't you know they put that in the paper, people will read that, people who respect me, how could YOU do that???

 

Ummm..... lets see... "

 

 

This just made my day...LOL

[Lizzie60]

Never happened to me.. but I agree about the support from family and friends.. but when I see total strangers opening up to someone they never met.. I think.. wow.. they're nuts or something.. I find this a little bit overboard and 'loserish'... sorry... it does look kind of strange..

[jwi71]

Never happened to me.. but I agree about the support from family and friends.. but when I see total strangers opening up to someone they never met.. I think.. wow.. they're nuts or something.. I find this a little bit overboard and 'loserish'... sorry... it does look kind of strange..

 

I couldn't agree more. Now, I simply told those strangers my wife had an A, no details.

 

But you're point is well understood. And, I agree. Bad form on my part. And yes, I apologized to my W for it.

[Reggie]

Yeah, you do look a little(maybe a lot) nuts. But, it's a big trauma and one is not firing on all cylinders for a while. It would be nice to have had complete control. But, it is not all that easy.

I was surprised by how many others had been through it, though.

[Owl]

Yeah, you do look a little(maybe a lot) nuts. But, it's a big trauma and one is not firing on all cylinders for a while. It would be nice to have had complete control. But, it is not all that easy.

I was surprised by how many others had been through it, though.

 

I totally agree with this.

 

For most, its like the foundation of your world has just fallen away. The one person you thought you COULD trust the most betrayed you.

 

I'm a very rational, thinking person.

 

My brain shut down for those first two weeks after d-day. I was running on raw emotion.

[Trialbyfire]

:lmao: Newspaper ad with both names! It's a good thing you never posted this during my little rage session. I would have done it, pics, names, workplaces, etc!

 

From the perspective of someone who wasn't interested in mending the marriage, I let it all hang out to friends and family. Ex-H was furious because he got ostracized. Too bad. Shoulda' thought about it before doing it. Actions to consequences. Fire with fire, burn with burn.

[misternoname]

Been there done that...she had the nerve to get mad at me because "I ruined her reputation!"

 

B S...she ruined it when she started sleeping with a neighbor. To hell with her. At least I have the satisfaction of knowing that our friends know why we split up. Most people automatically assume the man is the dog. I guess they forget that for a man to have an affair there has to be a woman involved.

 

Hold your head up and feel good knowing that you have a moral compass. Cheaters certainly don't!

[OWoman]

I'm a strong advocate of exposure as long as there is some thought behind it. Be careful not to involve people that won't support the marriage

 

Important point. My MM's BW learned that to her own cost - when she phoned anyone and everyone to "expose" M after he left her, the response was not what she'd anticipated. Aside from discovering that they all knew (this was at the point where she still did not believe that he was leaving "for another woman" but thought he was using that as a trick to get her to go to MC) and approved of the A, they all expressed relief that he'd left and tried to convince her that this was a good thing for everyone and that she should seek counselling to work through her issues. I can only imagine that that - unanticipated - response must have been very isolating and crushing; having sought revenge, to receive only pity.

[Reggie]

Important point. My MM's BW learned that to her own cost - when she phoned anyone and everyone to "expose" M after he left her, the response was not what she'd anticipated. Aside from discovering that they all knew (this was at the point where she still did not believe that he was leaving "for another woman" but thought he was using that as a trick to get her to go to MC) and approved of the A, they all expressed relief that he'd left and tried to convince her that this was a good thing for everyone and that she should seek counselling to work through her issues. I can only imagine that that - unanticipated - response must have been very isolating and crushing; having sought revenge, to receive only pity.

 

I doubt that is the only response she got. Regardless, it did wonders for me with all the support I got.

[cherrymoon]

If the BS is allowed to out all the H/W sins then is the H/W allowed to expose the BS for his reaction if that information could lose them their job and their kids?

 

Becareful how you react as reconciliation is very difficult if everyone knows your business, You don't know where you will be 2 yrs down the road you might actually want to fix it.

Also there are things people don't need to know in my case I was exposed to my kids and everybody he could think of. I haven't and won't expose him. Sometimes I want to to make my pain ease up for someone to hold me up for a bit to take the weight off me. I don't because his kids must never know what he did. His family don't need to know andI don't want people to know that I let him do that to me.

 

Then again maybe I deserved it.

He seemed to think I did and even now under reconcilliation and I am having the **** thrown I want him to feel that fear and violation.

But I am reminded that i did wrong.

If we all knew then what we know know.

 

Why people busted react with such anger? I think to prevent the real truth and responsibility of what they have done penetrating through.

[Reggie]

If the BS is allowed to out all the H/W sins then is the H/W allowed to expose the BS for his reaction if that information could lose them their job and their kids?

 

Becareful how you react as reconciliation is very difficult if everyone knows your business, You don't know where you will be 2 yrs down the road you might actually want to fix it.

Also there are things people don't need to know in my case I was exposed to my kids and everybody he could think of. I haven't and won't expose him. Sometimes I want to to make my pain ease up for someone to hold me up for a bit to take the weight off me. I don't because his kids must never know what he did. His family don't need to know andI don't want people to know that I let him do that to me.

 

Then again maybe I deserved it.

He seemed to think I did and even now under reconcilliation and I am having the **** thrown I want him to feel that fear and violation.

But I am reminded that i did wrong.

If we all knew then what we know know.

 

Why people busted react with such anger? I think to prevent the real truth and responsibility of what they have done penetrating through.

 

Well, I reacted calmly to the discovery. How did your H react/

One thing to keep in mind, though in evaluating his reaction: experts consider infidelity to be the most severe form of emotional spousal abuse. If his reaction was violent, there is no justification. But, there was major provocation on your part, incredible cruelty, that contributed to the reaction.

As for people knowing your business, ifyou don't want it known, don't do it. There are consequences to having abused someone like this.

[Dexter Morgan]

Just wondering how folks handled giving out information about their WS's affair. I'd been through this once before and , basically, kept mum. This time, I did not hold back and I told friends, family and some strangesr about the cheating.

We divorced, which was good. But, my ex has mentioned how angry she is about my having "trashed " her. I could not care less that she is angry.

 

Good for you, because that is just too bad that she is angry about it.

 

 

Also, when you found out about the cheating and inquired of your spouse, in addition to lying , did you face anger. I was amazed at how angry my XW became that I had busted her. It made no sense as she was the cheater and I merely followed up on my suspicions and they panned out. Something wrong with these cheaters.

 

Obviously so.

 

 

They get pissed for being busted and indignent that you do not protect their reputations. It just shows how self centered and irrational they are.

 

 

All the more reason why it was fitting justice to let everyone know just how much of a scumbag she is.

 

funny, they want to cheat, but don't want other people thinking that they are cheaters. As if she thinks you are ruining her chances with other guys in case she wants to cheat on their current victim.

[Dexter Morgan]

Important point. My MM's BW learned that to her own cost - when she phoned anyone and everyone to "expose" M after he left her, the response was not what she'd anticipated. Aside from discovering that they all knew (this was at the point where she still did not believe that he was leaving "for another woman" but thought he was using that as a trick to get her to go to MC) and approved of the A

 

Then she should have then realized that anyone that approved of an affair aren't people worth associating with in the first place.

[reservoirdog1]

Several people already knew about XW's affairs, before I did.

 

With respect to other people, and my family, I kept quiet about it after D-Day because I knew that the more people knew, and especially my family, the harder it would be for us to reconcile. Which is what we were nominally trying to do for about two months after D-Day.

 

One she called an end to the attempted reconciliation and we began preparations to separate, I told my family members. That pissed her off. However, I didn't regret it, and I told her so. Basically what I said was that any obligation I had to protect her precious reputation died the moment she decided she no longer wanted to work on the marriage. As of that moment, my need to recover my strength and my sanity, by talking freely to the people who actually DID love me and care about me, took complete priority over her need to keep her misdeeds secret. I couldn't rely on her for emotional support anymore, so I turned to my family and friends.

 

It didn't help that somebody (still don't know who) sent an email to a crapload of people she knew telling them about her serial cheating about a month after we split, but that was nothing to do with me. She's active in politics and I guess she had made an enemy or two.

 

I think that, over time, she came to accept this and understand why I told my friends and family. Five years have passed since then, and she and I are on pretty good terms, and we co-parent quite well together. I don't know if her reputation has been totally repaired, but I think it has to a considerable extent.

[Dexter Morgan]

Several people already knew about XW's affairs, before I did.

 

Oh, so did people that knew my xW and I. They kept their mouths shut because they didn't want to be the cause of breaking up a marriage.

 

I told one person, you wouldn't have broke up the marriage, she did with her infidelity. So I asked the person, "so wasting years of my life was better than breaking up a marriage with a cheater?"

 

They felt bad about not telling me now, as they should. I don't talk to them any longer. They were part of the problem.

 

Kind of like if you witness a murder and don't report it, then you are just as guilty.

 

 

With respect to other people, and my family, I kept quiet about it after D-Day because I knew that the more people knew, and especially my family, the harder it would be for us to reconcile.

 

Which is what we were nominally trying to do for about two months after D-Day.

 

One she called an end to the attempted reconciliation and we began preparations to separate, I told my family members. That pissed her off.

 

LOL. You mean she expected you to not tell your own family? What an idiot.

 

And what does she care? She had the guts to cheat, but she doesn't want anyone knowing she is a louse?

 

 

However, I didn't regret it, and I told her so. Basically what I said was that any obligation I had to protect her precious reputation died the moment she decided she no longer wanted to work on the marriage.

 

Good for you. But really, any obligation to protect her precious reputation should have died the minute you found out she open wide for another guy.

Again, funny how someone wants to be a skank, but doesn't want others to think that way of her.

 

 

As of that moment, my need to recover my strength and my sanity, by talking freely to the people who actually DID love me and care about me, took complete priority over her need to keep her misdeeds secret. I couldn't rely on her for emotional support anymore, so I turned to my family and friends.

 

You bet. You had every right to and she can just go blow a goat if she doesn't like it. This just proves how much more above and beyond selfish she was as if it wasn't bad enough that she is a cheater.

 

 

I think that, over time, she came to accept this and understand why I told my friends and family. Five years have passed since then, and she and I are on pretty good terms, and we co-parent quite well together. I don't know if her reputation has been totally repaired, but I think it has to a considerable extent.

 

Well any man that knew of her reputation before hand would be a fool to hook up with her. I don't care how many years have gone by.

 

Kudos to your emancipation from her.

[jwi71]

If the BS is allowed to out all the H/W sins then is the H/W allowed to expose the BS for his reaction if that information could lose them their job and their kids?

 

Becareful how you react as reconciliation is very difficult if everyone knows your business, You don't know where you will be 2 yrs down the road you might actually want to fix it.

Also there are things people don't need to know in my case I was exposed to my kids and everybody he could think of. I haven't and won't expose him. Sometimes I want to to make my pain ease up for someone to hold me up for a bit to take the weight off me. I don't because his kids must never know what he did. His family don't need to know andI don't want people to know that I let him do that to me.

 

Then again maybe I deserved it.

He seemed to think I did and even now under reconcilliation and I am having the **** thrown I want him to feel that fear and violation.

But I am reminded that i did wrong.

If we all knew then what we know know.

 

Why people busted react with such anger? I think to prevent the real truth and responsibility of what they have done penetrating through.

 

In a word - yes.

Life requires nothing but we face the consequences of our words and actions.

So the BS, like the WS, must be held responsible fro what he/she says and does. No double standard here.

[2sure]

I did not expose my H's affair to anyone. I did however, gather up documented evidence, including info on families of OW(s) , then tell him and them that full exposure would be forthcoming if I had any small inkling of future contact. That in itself initially made my H angry. He was possibly more upset because as a public official, the exposure would also hurt his career. He was angry I think until he realized that I was not bluffing. He realized the risk of exposure was 100% his whether I had found out or not.

 

BUT. My SIL had an affair. Her spouse discovered and told everyone on both sides of the family. They reconciled. Her in laws still will not spreak to her. Full exposure to family members , if you are going to reconcile (or think you may)...can have consequences even the BS regrets.