stuckinoz Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Guys.....I have a question that maybe you could shed some light on. Man 48. Married 28 years, 2 grown children. Whatever would possess this man to believe that it is perfectly acceptable to text message other women thruout the day. Flirting texts....informational texts......"i'll come see you" texts......AND, to have each & every one of these women & more on his myspace page? And all the while telling his wife that he loves her? Help an old woman (46) understand something like this?
JamesM Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Does he think it is perfectly acceptable or is he trying to convince you it is? How long has he been doing it? And are you his wife? The reasons are varied. Excitement, fantasy, and relief from boredom are one. Stupidity is another.
Author stuckinoz Posted November 14, 2008 Author Posted November 14, 2008 Yes, I would be his wife. He is, I think, trying to convince me (or I should say WAS.....we are separated now) He claims all his friends think it's perfectly fine to do this. Before I left home, I did see some of them. AND I do see his myspace page. It looks like the who's who of the bartending/waitressing industry. All young girls under the age of 30. (Oh sorry, one is 37....)LOL. Maybe I"m asking this question because...........Perhaps it is acceptable to do this. I don't know. DO all men once they reach this age feel like they need young girls around to stroke their egos?
JamesM Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 As a man of 44 who has been married for over 18 years, I do not find it acceptable. It is wrong. It is not the normal activity of any men I know. My friends would not say that this is okay. Not only is it disrespecting to you as his wife, it is a complete violation of his commitment made when he publicly vowed to be faithful. The question is (and this is in no way to cast blame on you), why is he doing it?
alphamale Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Help an old woman (46) understand something like this? most texts are sent by young people. maybe he's just discovered the power of the text msg and is in the honeymoon phase?
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 He claims all his friends think it's perfectly fine to do this. Remind him that he's not married to his friends. My husband pulls this crap (not the girls, just the 'friends do it' excuse) all the time. He: "But so-and-so's wife is okay with HIM going!" Me: "Maybe you shoulda married her then, huh?"
Author stuckinoz Posted November 14, 2008 Author Posted November 14, 2008 Yes, like I said - these 'girls' are just that girls. He claims they are just "friends" & there isn't anything meant by it. It didn't matter to him that I found it offensive & wrong in a marriage. My opinion didn't matter. That's why we are separated. He choose his "friends" & these "waitress/bartenders" over me. He still likes to throw it back on me about the "friends" thing. But I still believe it's wrong. I just guess that having others opinions helps for me to get a little peace with this. Thanks!
Jersey Shortie Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 I doubt he would love it if you had young 30 year old male friends. Maybe you should get some of those yourself?
norajane Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 A 48 year old married man has a myspace page? Pathetic man thinks he's re-living his lost youth, and thinks these young ladies are really his friends. Yes, to me it sounds like he's going through his mid-life crisis and needs the external validation of pretty young ladies paying attention to him.
casanovacorner Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 I'll be honest with you. I'm 26 and live with my 21 y/o girlfriend. We've been together since she turned 18. I met her 1 month after her 18th birthday. I text women all the time. I flirt with them and have sexual conversations with them. It turns me on, and then I go have sex with her. She knows this. We have a free party line here, and I even get her to call it up and have phone sex with other guys because it turns her on. With that being said, maybe he's scared to talk about his sexual fantasies with you? Some women get turned off when guys have fantasies that they don't agree with. That leads to them just hiding it. If you want to be with him, dress up like a school girl and show up to where ever he lives. Role play like you don't know him and have sex with him. Let him talk to those women and tell him you don't mind as long as he doesn't touch. When both partners are in agreement and open with each other, things are so much better. Buy a porno that features young girls and watch it with him. Give it a chance if you still want your marriage. Be open to at least talk to him about his desires, even if you don't want to act some of them out.
Author stuckinoz Posted November 17, 2008 Author Posted November 17, 2008 :)I'm not looking for everyone to agree with me - so I'm glad that you "casanovacorner" brought that up. I do understand that part of all of this. We had an "semi-open" relationship for a few years. He does have fantasies. I played most of them out for him & or with him. I think right now in his life he is confused, & perhaps a mid-life crisis. But honestly, how many do men get anyway. He's already had 2. He wants a "party" life. I like to party & have fun - but I don't like to do it every single day. The way I look at things is that none of these young girls will be there when his health fails. And, he does have health issues. I suppose I shouldn't let this bother me (I do still love him) - since I have already moved out. But even his friends tell me, he looks ridiculous, none of these girls want to date him, he is just for "entertainment" when he is drunk. So, I guess I just throw the question out there for a little validation & maybe to see the other side of the story on older men & younger girls. Thanks to all
Brimstone_Angel Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 Guys.....I have a question that maybe you could shed some light on. Man 48. Married 28 years, 2 grown children. Whatever would possess this man to believe that it is perfectly acceptable to text message other women thruout the day. Flirting texts....informational texts......"i'll come see you" texts......AND, to have each & every one of these women & more on his myspace page? And all the while telling his wife that he loves her? Help an old woman (46) understand something like this? Well this is my view on this... If his wife is okay with it (it is possible she already knows who is on his MySpace account and that he is a big flirt), then I guess it is perfectly acceptable. Maybe they are all friends and flirt with each other. I disagree with Norajane about him being pathetic... MySpace is a social website for ALL ages. And he may NOT be going through a mid-life crisis.
Author stuckinoz Posted November 17, 2008 Author Posted November 17, 2008 I am NOT ok with it - that is part of the reason why we are separated right now...& he knows that. I guess maybe in a rock solid relationship that might be ok. But ours hasn't been for several years now & this was sort of like pourint salt in an open wound for me.
Brimstone_Angel Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 I am NOT ok with it - that is part of the reason why we are separated right now...& he knows that. I guess maybe in a rock solid relationship that might be ok. But ours hasn't been for several years now & this was sort of like pourint salt in an open wound for me. Ah. Sorry I missed the part about you stating your the wife. I still don't think it is a mid-life crisis, but that is only something you should be able to know. I personally don't think it is okay for ANY man OR woman to do that if their SO is not okay with it, especially spouses. And like I always tell people about marriage... If the head hurts, wouldn't the body try to do things to tend to it? And if the body is hurting, wouldn't he head to all it can to take care of it? If your husband is hurting you and he is willing to still do it because outside forces are telling him it is okay (of course this is dependent on the situation) and he is not willing to do what you need for him to keep you well, then he is wrong. If he is going through a mid-life crisis, then you would be wrong for separating from him. These are the times when you should be doing everything and anything to help him through this and to ride this wave. This is what love is about. So, in helping out an old woman... If he is ignoring you and letting the boys dictate his actions, then you need to put your foot down and let him know its not right. You need to let him know how much it is hurting you and how it is hurting you and that you need his love and compassion to take your side and to be there for you. And if he is not willing to do so, let him go. If he is going through his own trial, putting down the law is only going to make him rebel further. He is going to need your understanding, guidance, and patience. I hope this helps.
Author stuckinoz Posted November 18, 2008 Author Posted November 18, 2008 I have tried all of those things. Although I do disagree on "sticking by someone" during a mid-life crisis. This man has already had 2 - of which I did stick by him. The reason we worked thru things was because we had small children at the time. Having kids at home does make it "easier" to try harder to make a marriage work. We have been separated since March. Although we did seek counseling for several months & I did move back home for 6 weeks. After I went home it continued & even escelated. Yes, he is very much aware of how much it hurts me. And when it is a topic of discussion, he tells me I'm overreacting, they are just friends & that it is MY insecurity that is making the marriage difficult. Which is why I went back to my apartment & living alone. Some of you are probably asking now........"Then why is she in here asking for advice".......I'm not necessarily looking for advice - I was more seeking for others opinions on a situation. Perhaps "Validation" to my actions....or....just to make sure I'm really not the crazy one. Not that it matters, but I wasn't the perfect wife, nor was he the perfect husband. (I don't think many are "the perfect spouse") But after we sought out counseling & I moved home - I did give it 100% of my efforts to try to make a marriage work & last. But one person trying does not a marriage make.
grogster Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 He's nobody's husband right now. Emotionally, psychologically and socially he has moved on to new female "strange"--social, sexual and emotional. Men, more easily than women, can shed spouses, lovers, family. The Age of Viagra contributes to this. With the pharmaceutical enhancements, every dowdy middle aged guy is a young porn star (at least in his mind). At 48, he's experiencing what he suspects is his last V-driven libidinous immersion. For some men, sexual variety is valued more than tried and true attachments. I suspect, he'll end up in a few relationships that won't be as pleasant as he imagined that they would be. Eros fades with time even with a hot 30 year old, and the best pharmacology. It's his time to Play until he gets too old, bored or hooks up with some pretty young female who'll get pregnant. Then he'll be changing diapers in his 50's. My advice: move on.
Author stuckinoz Posted November 18, 2008 Author Posted November 18, 2008 Interesting analagy grogster.........kind of made me chuckle. Thanks!
grogster Posted November 18, 2008 Posted November 18, 2008 In times like this, you find your chuckles wherever you can. A spouse's sexual obsessions can be dreary.
Author stuckinoz Posted November 18, 2008 Author Posted November 18, 2008 ......& exhausting.......thanks again!
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