trueblue72ny Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 well guys, just giving an update. ive posted before, in a nut shell me (36) and the ex gf (31) have been back and forth almost 4 years. its been 3 and a half months since she said we are not going to see each other anymore. at this point i only see her at work. (yup! i work with her). now i went no contact awhile back and didn’t plan on sticking around. it was going well. i figured it was d-o-n-e! i was moving on! no contact lasted about three weeks when out of the blue... BAM! an email from her... I want to be friends, I want to hang out , but im just not ready YET. so against the advice of what everyone has told me, i say ok, lets see what’s up. its been a little small talk here and there. to date we haven’t talked “on the outside” of work. and just so you know im not chasing her, stalking her, calling her, texting her, emailing her, nothing. i disappear. so... she reaches out.. throws me some bread crumbs, i allow myself to take the bait, and then she backs off. as in ha i still have your attention!! seems like a classic case of cat & mouse game to me! this has pretty much been going on the entire time we haven’t been seeing each other “on the outside” . the only exception was the three weeks i went no contact. see what i get everyone for being a nice guy???? i get toyed with!!! Cali guys posts on LS seem to have begun to fit right into place. As much as i dont want to believe it!! but at this point i cant help to think so. She gets the benefits of me, when its good for her, but i get jack. or she wants it on her terms. It’s ok, it’s alright. Im not going to start a fight. In fact i’m not going to say anything at all!!! I am (again) going to just back off and not initiate conversation anymore. As much as it would suck at first everytime i do it!!! all i will say to everyone out there is that it was becoming a comfortable place for me to be, because I was in control. And I was definitely starting to feel better. I knew were the line was because I made it!!!! Now i have learned some things from reading these posts and what kind of behavior i can expect in the future and try to prepare myself accordingly!!
Sysyphus28 Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 I denied some breadcrumbs last saturday in the form of a text. She called me after blowing me off for what seems like ever. The message was "Do you want to go out for a beer, and if you have that 100 you owe me could you bring that too" Thats right.......she asked me to hang out, then as a postnote asked me to bring some money for her. What a piece of work. I see through her like the ghost she is now. Cat and Mouse is drama we don't need. Thier are too many people in the world to share something with.......to worry about the past.
pr-girl Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Is this someone you'd like to get back with?
CaliGuy Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 well guys, just giving an update. ive posted before, in a nut shell me (36) and the ex gf (31) have been back and forth almost 4 years. its been 3 and a half months since she said we are not going to see each other anymore. at this point i only see her at work. (yup! i work with her). now i went no contact awhile back and didn`t plan on sticking around. it was going well. i figured it was d-o-n-e! i was moving on! no contact lasted about three weeks when out of the blue... BAM! an email from her... I want to be friends, I want to hang out , but im just not ready YET. so against the advice of what everyone has told me, i say ok, lets see what`s up. its been a little small talk here and there. to date we haven`t talked ``on the outside`` of work. and just so you know im not chasing her, stalking her, calling her, texting her, emailing her, nothing. i disappear. so... she reaches out.. throws me some bread crumbs, i allow myself to take the bait, and then she backs off. as in ha i still have your attention!! seems like a classic case of cat & mouse game to me! this has pretty much been going on the entire time we haven`t been seeing each other ``on the outside`` . the only exception was the three weeks i went no contact. see what i get everyone for being a nice guy???? i get toyed with!!! Cali guys posts on LS seem to have begun to fit right into place. As much as i dont want to believe it!! but at this point i cant help to think so. She gets the benefits of me, when its good for her, but i get jack. or she wants it on her terms. It`s ok, it`s alright. Im not going to start a fight. In fact i`m not going to say anything at all!!! I am (again) going to just back off and not initiate conversation anymore. As much as it would suck at first everytime i do it!!! all i will say to everyone out there is that it was becoming a comfortable place for me to be, because I was in control. And I was definitely starting to feel better. I knew were the line was because I made it!!!! Now i have learned some things from reading these posts and what kind of behavior i can expect in the future and try to prepare myself accordingly!! This is why I say never listen to what they say but instead, what they DO. Their actions speak from the heart. Their words almost never do. My ex at work simply wants me in her life to meet some emotional need. She doesn't care about me as a person...just what she can get from me. That doesn't meet the criteria for friend in my eyes. That's selfish behavior and something I won't welcome in my life. I would stick to NC. Until she comes to you in full apology saying she wants to try again and backing it up with actions you are simply on the back burner to her until she finds someone she likes better.
Author trueblue72ny Posted November 14, 2008 Author Posted November 14, 2008 Cali, totally, i am not initiating communication at this point! nope!!! i have to say at first it was exciting the ex got back in touch. i was like ok! lets see whats up!! because there was no cheating or anything. it just ended. but over the last month i have realized, she seems to be dangling the carrot on a string in front of my nose when she says "not just yet". what the heck!!!! I am not interested in being her emotional back up either!! if her intentions are to just find a mr new at some point down the road. Nope!!! Sorry. I wont do it!!! I wont stick around being toyed with just to watch that happen!! I remember back in time when she was available alllll the time, she was around alllll the time. & I remember what that feels like. I am going to stick with my guns. No small talk about who is doing what in the office or the weather! I am actually beginning to think that all this small talk can actually ruin any chances. And I have realized too, if she winds up not being interested, than its in my best interest, for myself, that I dont initiate because i can get on with my life sooner than wasting my time playing games. Not initiating communication seems to be the One and Only solution right now either way it goes. I agree 100% "never listen to what they say but instead, what they DO. Their actions speak from the heart. Their words almost never do." pr-girl: I hope that answers your question (above). I would not mind if it was a REAL reconciliation. BUT I wont do it if her heart is not into it. What I plan on doing if we ever reach a point of real communication is just tell her what I want. Im not going to just follow her lead and hope i get a bone here or there. Nope! Not doing it!!!!! Im the one who got the pink slip so if she wants me back its got to be real. And everyone knows what it feels like when someone really wants to be with you!
CaliGuy Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Honestly, if she wanted you she wouldn't be playing these games with you. She wouldn't be dangling carrots. She'd do whatever it took to work things out. I keep going back to the "actions not words" statement because again, that tells you what they feel in their heart. I've learned that first hand and have made it my mantra. A relationship is a two way street where both people want things to progress and move forward. If one person doesn't want it and prove it by their actions, well, you don't really have a relationship. You have an acquaintance that you talk to at work. Cheers
Trialbyfire Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 trueblue, she said she wanted to be friends. If you wanted more, why pretend to be friends? Who's playing who, now?
CaliGuy Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 trueblue, she said she wanted to be friends. If you wanted more, why pretend to be friends? Who's playing who, now? TBF, that is a good question. If he still has romantic feelings for her and she just wants to be friends then NC really is his only option. You simply can not be friend with someone you have romantic feelings for or you will never heal.
Trialbyfire Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 TBF, that is a good question. If he still has romantic feelings for her and she just wants to be friends then NC really is his only option. You simply can not be friend with someone you have romantic feelings for or you will never heal. Well, it's not his only option. He could have been straight up with her and told her he wanted more. If that's what she also wants, then it's okay. If it's not what she wants, then yes, I agree that NC is the best way to go, not to play games but to move on. Holding onto someone who doesn't want the same things in life can be detrimental to self.
Author trueblue72ny Posted November 14, 2008 Author Posted November 14, 2008 i completely agree. and if it was like that then i would be NC and moving on 100%. let me back up a little in time, this has happened before. we broke, returned as 'friends' and it got deeper. i am not so sure right now if all thoughts are just friendship only on a permanent basis. if it was clearly stated by her than like i said i would be NC 100% and wouldnt be having this discussion. but its not like that. i am not going to say ok its intimacy or nothing. it doesnt work like that! plus i respect her more than just that even if she is toying with me right now. i hope that makes sense.
Lucky555 Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Why did she end it with you? What were the factors in this situation. It seems as though if you two hypothetically speaking..were to get back together then you need counseling. I think its hard to tell someone you "love or have loved" to their face what your issues are with them in a way not to offend their feelings. A mediator/counselor can help you grow stronger together. It seems as though there might be communication issues, people are being hurt, and you can't live a healthy life like this, neither of you can. Shes probably not seeing anyone right? She took some time out..was she or you feeling overwhelmed in the relationship. Did someone cheat on the other? I personally would never take someone back if they cheated. It seems to me that you actually don't mind having her in your life. This is because You are allowing her to be in it by meeting up with her outside of work and talking to her. If you can say we can't go back and forth like this, if we are going to be friends at any point "I'm going to need you to not contact me" If you want her....Don't chase her. TALK THOUGH, say "You are coming into my life and then leaving the next, WE clearly have to workout it out if we want this to work , if you don't then please don't contact me, that is what a friend would do at this time." You need to be clear about what you want. I don't know the whole situation or what happened during the break up but i hope this helps. Really just cut through the drama and the bs and either work it out or cut the contact. Its all about what you want.
Trialbyfire Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 i completely agree. and if it was like that then i would be NC and moving on 100%. let me back up a little in time, this has happened before. we broke, returned as 'friends' and it got deeper. i am not so sure right now if all thoughts are just friendship only on a permanent basis. if it was clearly stated by her than like i said i would be NC 100% and wouldnt be having this discussion. but its not like that. i am not going to say ok its intimacy or nothing. it doesnt work like that! plus i respect her more than just that even if she is toying with me right now. i hope that makes sense. You're misconstruing what I've said. It has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with wanting a romantic relationship v. friendship. If you want back with her, don't play games of waiting her out. She's pulling all your strings. Have at it and clarify your needs. If she can't be straight with you, just tell her okay, I'm gonna' back right off now because I don't just want to be friends with you. It's painful to me to just be friends. If she argues why not be friends, tell her she's being selfish. Enough is enough. Get assertive. You matter too.
CaliGuy Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 You're misconstruing what I've said. It has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with wanting a romantic relationship v. friendship. If you want back with her, don't play games of waiting her out. She's pulling all your strings. Have at it and clarify your needs. If she can't be straight with you, just tell her okay, I'm gonna' back right off now because I don't just want to be friends with you. It's painful to me to just be friends. If she argues why not be friends, tell her she's being selfish. Enough is enough. Get assertive. You matter too. Exactly what I said to my ex, TBF, only I didn't put it quite as nicely as you did. I was downright mean and nasty to her, but only because she had ignored my request a few minutes earlier to not bother me about non-work issues at work
Trialbyfire Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Exactly what I said to my ex, TBF, only I didn't put it quite as nicely as you did. I was downright mean and nasty to her, but only because she had ignored my request a few minutes earlier to not bother me about non-work issues at work If I recall, it worked for you!
Author trueblue72ny Posted November 15, 2008 Author Posted November 15, 2008 TBF sorry about that, i was referring to intimacy as a romance kind of thing. but yes that is the decision i have made now- me backing off. because ya, i am getting mixed signals. "not just yet" what the heck is that??? she knows what i want.... im not going to make a lot of excuses for her but the girl takes awhile to come around for anything. so i'll give her a chance to make her intentions known... im not going to pull the trigger to fast. &if it winds up what i dont want!!! than i will just have to tell her hey!! im not interested in being your chat buddy! sorry!!
Author trueblue72ny Posted November 15, 2008 Author Posted November 15, 2008 Hey Lucky 555, why did she end it? good question. what goes through a woman's mind! i'll never know. i can tell you it wasnt because of cheating, or lying or arguing or because there was someone else. she is not seeing anyone. she gets burnt out on everything in life at one point or another. some people are like that i have come to realize. and i can believe it with her because of her history. i am almost 4 years into it and i am the longst romantic relationship the girl has ever had. i am beginning to wonder ...can i trust her to be around? that is what the main issue within me that is starting to develop. there are definately communication issues, more on her end in my opinion. she is a closed off person. she is wrapped up raising a daughter and the father is around who likes to emotionally blackmail her. it does have an impact on her life i guess people need time out sometimes. so maybe she does feel overwhelmed. i think women raising kids seem more prone to it since more of the responsibility seems placed on them. but ya, i definately agree with you on the dont chase her. im thinking you are right its ok to talk - IF and only if she contacts me first. im through right now with initiating contact ]she knows how i feel and what i want. so if there was nothing more to this but friends in her mind i dont think she would even bother because she should know me better than that by now. we are extremely sexually attracted to each other. always have been. there is no way im thinking we are going out for a dinner talk about whatever and call it a night everytime. but if i am wrong!!! if i am friend zoned after a continual period of time, guess what, i am going NC!!! i am going to just tell her i am not interested in being your chat buddy!!! its too much!! & i think its weird that a woman would want to just be friends after the fact. but we will have to see what happens. all this takes a little time to see what will happen.. i will give her a chance when she is ready to state her intentions. ]in the meantime it looks like i am going to have to tighten up on the communication boundaries!!!!!!
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