Sysyphus28 Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Every step of way LS has helped me through my situation. It has been a great safety net, and my thought process has come so far in only 2-3 months. Can anyone help me let go of this anger/bitterness towards her. I become inwardly enraged at the way she dogged me. I don't take it out on anyone, but I still have it inside me. When I think of her I instantly get angry, and when anyone mentions her I can't help but curse her. I used to think of cute things she used to do and say, now when I think of her I think of the worst stuff! A. Her slutting around at college and sleeping with her new guy in NY B. The crappy way she dogged me all summer, then clowned me when she came "home"......and left me in shambles C. The shameless scraps of attention she has given me in order to keep me on beck and call.
Geishawhelk Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 .....I still have it inside me. Self-inflicted. When I think of her I instantly get angry, Self-inflicted. and when anyone mentions her I can't help but curse her. Self-inflicted. I used to think of cute things she used to do and say, now when I think of her I think of the worst stuff! Self-inflicted. A. Her slutting around at college and sleeping with her new guy in NY B. The crappy way she dogged me all summer, then clowned me when she came "home"......and left me in shambles Self-inflicted. C. The shameless scraps of attention she has given me in order to keep me on beck and call. Self-inflicted. Do you see the pattern here? All these emotions you go through, may well be triggered by outside events - but they happen "inside" you. Your anger, hatred, frustration, shambles and cursing - are all within. The only person who can access that interior and change what goes on in there - is you. It takes guts, and determination and it takes real effort. You have to Want to change. I suspect you really do, or you wouldn't have posted this, huh? Every time you give in to this kind of emotion, you hand your power over to outside stimulus. You give over control of how you feel, to something outside of yourself. You cannot effect any control over what she does or who she sees. let her go. Tend to yourself. And don't hand over control to anything, any more. When you feel emotions arise, stop. Tell yourself you are in charge of you, and you don't want to be this way for one more second. Then write down some big numbers. Multiply them. Add the total to the first number you wrote down. Subtract the last number you wrote down, and multiply this answer by the first number. Then scrunch it up, throw it in the bin, and have a coffee. Hopefully, you'll feel calmer.
skinman Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Do you see the pattern here? All these emotions you go through, may well be triggered by outside events - but they happen "inside" you. Your anger, hatred, frustration, shambles and cursing - are all within. The only person who can access that interior and change what goes on in there - is you. It takes guts, and determination and it takes real effort. You have to Want to change. I suspect you really do, or you wouldn't have posted this, huh? Every time you give in to this kind of emotion, you hand your power over to outside stimulus. You give over control of how you feel, to something outside of yourself. You cannot effect any control over what she does or who she sees. let her go. Tend to yourself. And don't hand over control to anything, any more. When you feel emotions arise, stop. Tell yourself you are in charge of you, and you don't want to be this way for one more second. Then write down some big numbers. Multiply them. Add the total to the first number you wrote down. Subtract the last number you wrote down, and multiply this answer by the first number. Then scrunch it up, throw it in the bin, and have a coffee. Hopefully, you'll feel calmer. Wow... great advice. I will use that when my feelings of anger and bitterness over my situation arise... thank you !
Dexter Morgan Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Every step of way LS has helped me through my situation. It has been a great safety net, and my thought process has come so far in only 2-3 months. Can anyone help me let go of this anger/bitterness towards her. Yes, get rid of her.
SgtPepper Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Great post, Geisha. I think we all need to be reminded every day that we do have control over our thoughts, even if we cannot control other people. Our minds can help us heal, or send us down that slippery slope to obsession over our lost love.
FF84 Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Stop thinking. Start living. Geishawhelk is 100% bang on the money.
Melrapuo Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Start distracting yourself. You have too much time on your hands if you're still thinking about her. You'll actually find out one day that you stopped thinking about certain things about her. And from there you will begin to realize that its not so much forcing yourself to stop thinking about her as it is just letting time heal. That, and keeping busy.
CaliGuy Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Every step of way LS has helped me through my situation. It has been a great safety net, and my thought process has come so far in only 2-3 months. Can anyone help me let go of this anger/bitterness towards her. I become inwardly enraged at the way she dogged me. I don't take it out on anyone, but I still have it inside me. When I think of her I instantly get angry, and when anyone mentions her I can't help but curse her. I used to think of cute things she used to do and say, now when I think of her I think of the worst stuff! A. Her slutting around at college and sleeping with her new guy in NY B. The crappy way she dogged me all summer, then clowned me when she came "home"......and left me in shambles C. The shameless scraps of attention she has given me in order to keep me on beck and call. Make a list of all her bad qualities. Post it somewhere easily accessible when you start to think about her. This will serve as a reminder of why she isn't GOOD for you. You know that she is toxic to you. It's like abusing drugs or alcohol. You know it's bad for you, yet you still do it. Continuing to harbor resentment is a bad thing. I am guilty of it myself. But as long as there is no contact with an ex (such as the one from work!) then I don't feel anger or resentment. I just feel indifferent. I am only anger or bitter now when she attempts to cross a boundary (such as NC). What I see form your post is her "breadcrubs" are making you angry. So pay her the money you supposively owe her and get her off your back. I mean, it's that simple. I know you mentioned you owed her money. Send her a check and inside the note explicitely say to her "I wish to have no contact with you from here on out. Please do not attempt to contact me in any way…" and leave it at that. Once she gets what she wants and you've made it clear you don't want to talk to her, odds are she will leave you alone. If she doesn't, then well -- you have a RIGHT to be bitter and angry. I personally don't pay attention to people that say I should be indifferent to the point where I don't care if she contacts me or not. She's toxic to me and only wants to drain my emotional energy. This is not healthy for me and I have a right to keep her out of my life. There's nothing wrong with being angry if you have a boundary crossed (after repeatedly making the boundary clear).
BackonTrack2 Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 I've been where you are at, and I know where your going. The emmotions are natural, you just have to tell yourself "Ok, These are my emmotions, I can control them" then you have to really quickly distract yourself so your mind doesn't have time to idle, get anger and intensity what your feeling. You see, the more you think about it, the more you dwell on it, you are actually FEEDING IT. You have to not feed it, its going to be hard but you have to strave that bitterness out of you. Eitherway, what I'm saying is, there is nothing you can do, do not feed the negative emmotions, the only thing thats going to help you is TIME and now contact. This is your burden to bear. PS, as someone once told me, The reason you are feeling the way you are is because you love her. Doing NC, those feelings will fade away into nothingness and soon all you'll have is memories. Pretty soon, those memories will fade away as well and then you won't remember her at all and you'll look back at the situation and tell yourself "Boy, I was sure a fool, she was giving me signs but I was just to blinded to recongize them." Think Back, way back, you knew this was coming, but you didn't stop it. In the future atleast you can see when something like this comes your way, you'll know to stop it before it can hurt you, take the lessons of your relationship as a learning experience, atleast thats what I did with mine. As far as your bitterness/anger, I was never bitter personally, I was mad as hell though, suffered panic attacks, messed up on allot of possible relationships, boy I was so gone mentaility, I was so gone that I thought I had it under control. The only thing that really helped me was TIME and NC though. I guess what I'm trying to say is, YES you are going to be mad, she betrayed you, YES you are anger, she betrayed you, YES you are bitter, she laughs at you, but who cares? Move on, forget about her, be anger for a little while then find yourself a new girl. Oh yeah, PS, when girls go off to college in a new state its ONLY natural for them to hook up with someone.
JooLee Posted November 15, 2008 Posted November 15, 2008 its always good to be keeping yourself busy but sometime through the midst of doing something she's still at the back of your head. all i can say is, there will come a time where you'll go "ive had enough, im honestly letting go from now on" and then all the anger, hurt, frustration... will stop. and the heavy feeling in your chest will evaporate away. self control is one thing, but the heart's got to understand its time to let go. aah, you'll be fine! =)
Chinook Posted November 15, 2008 Posted November 15, 2008 I kind of agree with Geishawhelk, but maybe from a different take. Anger is part of the normal grieving process. Only you can decide when your anger is getting out of hand for you. You see, in normal grieving.... you can only remain angry for so long. Trust me... sooner or later, just like with the pain part, your heart and mind will say 'enough' when it does, it's your job to embrace that time and move forward. It sounds like you can see it on the horizon, but you're not quite there yet. You'll get there. As Sir Roger Bannister once said 'life can only move forwards, even though it only makes sense looking back'. You'll feel less angry in time and as JooLee says, only you will know when that time is right for you... in my experience any forcing or avoiding the issue, is likely to only prolong the agony.
EmperorR Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 Blah, I get angry every day when I think how much I did and sacrifice and in the end it meant nothing, all the time, money, everything I did for nothing in teh end.
Geishawhelk Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 Well, ok, that's fine if you're ok doing that. It's your choice.
replicator Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 Anger is a strange emotion, when it was just love not so long ago. You're angry, and you seem to have all these reasons. But in the end, can you be angry with someone for this reason (that they don't love you anymore)? Is it their fault entirely? These are the thoughts that run through my mind when I'm angry. I realize that it makes no sense for real love to turn to hate. All these mixed emotions confuse me, but with time the intensity begins to fade away. Hope that one day I will just look back and smile and know it was for the best.
sedgwick Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 What do "dogged on" and "clowned me" mean? Explain to the old lady. I'm angry at my ex every day, but it hasn't diminished my love for him one bit. I still love him like I did the day he left, and I always will. I know now that I'll be lonely for the rest of my life, but I do hope that at least the anger goes away someday.
cashley Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 I get angry, I was lied to, and betrayed...BUT when I get angry, it quickly turns into sadness, and then acceptance of what is....and my thoughts move on.... It sounds like you obsess, and perhaps are still in the 'anger' stage of this whole healing process. I also agree that you own your emotions, and choose them, so try to pick yourself up, and when the old thought pattern of anger flares up, you can conciously 'change' the way you choose to feel.(most times!) OR buy a punching bag and glue a picture of her to it. Main thing is to get that toxic anger OUT, and allow the good to flow through you once more... you deserve to feel good, dont let the memories of the PAST hold you back, try to concerntrate on being in the present, 'thats how I coped with the anger stage
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