To tell or not to tell

[lady_door]

Hi there, I'm new and I already need some help

 

The situation is as follows:

I've been seeing a guy for the past 3 months. I've known him for about 6 years, we've been dating for a very short time when we first met and just recently reconnected.

It all started out as a sex thing but it soon became obvious that it was more for the both of us. We talked about it and decided to see how things worked out and not jump head-first into a relationship.

 

Now, the problem is that three days ago I met an ex-boyfriend, and long story short, slept with him. It was pretty much a spur of the moment thing, alcohol was involved and it won't ever happen again. We're friends now and I intend to keep it that way.

 

May question is now, what do I do? Should I tell the guy I'm currently seeing? We're not together yet so it wasn't technically cheating but I still feel guilty as hell. But I'm also scared to ruin the relationship I might have with him because of one stupid mistake.

 

Any advice?

[lkjh]

you should tell. If you plan on having a relationship anytime soon you better get rid of the ex.

[SoulStorm]

That depends on if you want a relationship based on honesty, or one with an underlying secret that, if found out, could ruin your relationship period.

 

You are going to have responses to say tell and some will say don't tell.

This is your relationship and you must decide how you plan for it to be.

 

I will say if you tell, he will be angry and he may even leave, but he will respect your honesty.

 

How can you be with someone 3 months and say you are not together?

Your feeling of guilt is affirmation that you felt what you did was wrong.

If you didn't think it was wrong, why feel guilty?

 

 

I will tell you that I have been to many infidelity boards, commented on many and read lots of information from them. I have been following them for years and one thing I can tell you, the truth always has a way of letting itself be known.

 

The betrayed person always respected the person for telling them and not letting them find out on their own.

 

You current partner will start to be suspicious of your ex-boyfriend whom you claim is now just a "friend".

Once you have sex with someone, you can never go back to being friends, the lines have been crossed and there is always that chance that you will have sex with them again if the situation presented itself.

 

You made a clear choice to sleep with your ex, alcohol or not. Unless he held you at gun point you were a willing participant, it was a choice not a mistake.

 

Now you have to either suffer the consequences for that choice by being honest or postpone the consequence by lying by omission.

 

If you can live with the choice of not telling something that has an impact of the future you have with your partner, what does that say about YOU?

You are also denying him the right to make a decision on whether or not he wants to stay in the relationship by keeping this from him. That alone is not your decision to make and speaks volumes of selfishness if you do.

 

You could lose him, but you made that choice already.

 

Give him his choice.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you expect him to be honest with you? You have been seeing him for 3 months so I think at the very least he deserves some honesty and respect from you. You know it is the right thing for you to be honest with him. I wish you luck.

[lady_door]

How can you be with someone 3 months and say you are not together?

Your feeling of guilt is affirmation that you felt what you did was wrong.

If you didn't think it was wrong, why feel guilty?

 

The situation between him and me is a bit complicated and we're not officially "together". But anyway, I know what I did was wrong, and that I really shouldn't have done it.

 

And I think you're right, he deserves to know and be able to make his choice.

I'm going to see him tomorrow and I will tell him.

 

Any advice on how to best approach this?

[Deli Meat]

Don't say a word. He only needs to know if it is going to affect your relationship or if you decide you're going to have another accidental romp. Whether it's cheating or not is up to you to decide. Basically, if you consider it a mistake not to be repeated, it's none of his business because it indicates nothing about the person you are; it was simply an error in judgment wherein no one was hurt. If you tell him, it becomes an error in judgment that did cause hurt.

 

All honesty is going to do now is create mistrust for the future. At best, he might reconsider his interest in you and decide that you're nothing but a good time; at worst, he might cling to this as a vehicle for manipulation or control.

 

Since this was a one-time mistake, you're better off keeping it to yourself. He doesn't deserve the burden of this knowledge. Everything that transpires between the two of you in the future will be tainted by this one event, and that will effectively end the relationship.

 

Deal with your guilt by promising yourself that you won't do it again. Treat it as a lesson learned, and don't repeat the mistake. The only bigger mistake you could make is hurting the soon-to-be boyfriend by telling him this, which he will translate into any number of things like: "I'm a fool"; "she's a tramp"; or "okay, I've been given a pass to do whatever I want."

 

Besides, three months does not a relationship make. Commitment makes a relationship, and if you haven't mutually committed to a relationship, your sex life is still your business.

[SoulStorm]

Don't say a word. He only needs to know if it is going to affect your relationship or if you decide you're going to have another accidental romp. Whether it's cheating or not is up to you to decide. Basically, if you consider it a mistake not to be repeated, it's none of his business because it indicates nothing about the person you are; it was simply an error in judgment wherein no one was hurt. If you tell him, it becomes an error in judgment that did cause hurt.

 

All honesty is going to do now is create mistrust for the future. At best, he might reconsider his interest in you and decide that you're nothing but a good time; at worst, he might cling to this as a vehicle for manipulation or control.

 

Since this was a one-time mistake, you're better off keeping it to yourself. He doesn't deserve the burden of this knowledge. Everything that transpires between the two of you in the future will be tainted by this one event, and that will effectively end the relationship.

 

Deal with your guilt by promising yourself that you won't do it again. Treat it as a lesson learned, and don't repeat the mistake. The only bigger mistake you could make is hurting the soon-to-be boyfriend by telling him this, which he will translate into any number of things like: "I'm a fool"; "she's a tramp"; or "okay, I've been given a pass to do whatever I want."

 

Besides, three months does not a relationship make. Commitment makes a relationship, and if you haven't mutually committed to a relationship, your sex life is still your business.

You've got to be kidding!!

[SoulStorm]

The situation between him and me is a bit complicated and we're not officially "together". But anyway, I know what I did was wrong, and that I really shouldn't have done it.

 

And I think you're right, he deserves to know and be able to make his choice.

I'm going to see him tomorrow and I will tell him.

 

Any advice on how to best approach this?

 

Say this if you like:

 

I want to be honest with you and respectful to you.

I made a bad decision a few days ago. I was with my ex and we had some drinks and he and I wound up sleeping together.

 

I assure you that it was just a one time thing and have told my ex that we cannot do this anymore. (He may want permanent no contact)

 

I'm telling you this because you deserve to know and make a choice to whether you want to stay with me or not.

 

What I did was wrong and I am so sorry that I have done this to us.

If you want to end this relationship, I will be hurt, but I will understand.

If you want to work this out I will do all I can to assure you this won't happen again.

 

 

He will be hurt, angry and devastated. he may cuss and cry. Be prepared for that.

It will take a long time for this to heal,if he decides to stay.

 

Best wishes:)

[You'reasian]

Besides, three months does not a relationship make. Commitment makes a relationship, and if you haven't mutually committed to a relationship, your sex life is still your business.

 

While I do not completely agree with Deli Meat, I will say that if you chose not to tell - you should allow him one free pass - explain that you guys should see others and that each others sex life should not be each other's business.

 

That being said, you should get a regular sexual health check up at athe doctor and ensure that you are having protected sex with your girlfriend.

[Angel1111]

The situation between him and me is a bit complicated and we're not officially "together". But anyway, I know what I did was wrong, and that I really shouldn't have done it.

 

If you're not actually in a relationship with him, why is it any of his business to know what you do in your personal life? And how was what you did wrong? You're not dating the guy, why does he need to know this?

[In Like Flynn]

Don't say a word.

Since this was a one-time mistake, you're better off keeping it to yourself. .

 

Problem is that this won't be just a one time misstake!!! Because she wants to continue to be friends with her ex!! This type of thing will happen again and again until he is gone. Thats why males don't like you staying friends with ex-lovers....that and having another guy sitting there having sexual flashbacks of his grilfriend!!!

[lady_door]

Thanks to everyone for your help.... I really appreciate it

 

I did tell him yesterday and obviously he wasn't too happy about it... but he didn't leave. We talked about it, and, long story short, we're fine

We actually talked a lot last night and decided that this whole non-relationship-thing we've got going isn't what we want... so now we're officially together

 

I'm really glad I told him. Thanks again