ilovenewyork Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Husband has just booked a surprise holiday - we have had the year from hell (and he doesn't even know about the affair!). He has book for us to go away for xmas. My MM has been away a few times this year with his wife and son. He went away for the sake of his son. I found it tough. I want to go on holiday with my husband. I have this idea that being away for two weeks, we will be able to re-connect and get the spark back. All our previous holidays have been amazing! What do I do about my MM? I am in turmoil. Wish I could break my addiction from him.... My head is bursting.
wuggle Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 yes, go on holiday with your husband. if you do find you still have any love at all for him, enjoy the holiday (for both your sakes) and end the relationship with the MM.
lkjh Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Your loyalty should be to your H and not the OM. You need to tell your H and give him the chance to make choices for his future. M is not just about you; its also about his needs and safety.
Owl Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 If you followed thru with your realization that your affair is wrong and it needs to end...this becomes a moot point. End your affair. Start the recovery process with your H. If you do it now, you may well be able to use this vacation as an awesome opportunity to reconnect with your husband. If you don't...then its nothing more than money and effort on your husband's part that has been totally and utterly WASTED because of your affair. You won't reconnect...BECAUSE of your affair. Heck...my opinion is this...if you won't end your affair...tell your H to save his money and cancel the trip. No sense p!ssing away good money.
Author ilovenewyork Posted November 14, 2008 Author Posted November 14, 2008 Yes I am still in the realization that the affair is wrong. I want to be with my husband. We have had 17 happy years together. Just having a 'wobble' today..feeling low. Not thinking straight. 2 weeks away from MM will do me good as well and put things into perspective. I really do feel the 'affair fog' today. I love my husband. I pray this break will help me have time to think and work out where I have gone wrong, what the hell I am doing and what I could lose. The original post sounded pathetic. Sorry. Just not thinking straight.
Owl Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 END THE AFFAIR TODAY...NOT WHEN YOU GO ON THE TRIP!!!!!!!!! Can you imagine anything more horrible and COMPLETELY UNFAIR to your husband than what it would be like to be on a trip with you while your heart is tearing out because you ended the affair with OM at that point???? Think about it. You'll be spending all your time thinking about OM. You'll be depressed, heartbroken, etc... The trip will be HORRIBLE. Imagine how it will be for your H to have spent the time and effort to coordinate this, and then spend that time with you...and have you acting/feeling this way during the trip???? END THE AFFAIR TODAY. This lets you potentially use the trip to begin healing with your H. If you wait to end the affair and start working on things, this trip will be WORSE than wasted. Seriously...THINK about this. Don't wait until then to end the affair. DO IT NOW. And give your H the chance to start dealing with things BEFORE the trip. See how selfish it would be to use the trip to end the affair?
Owl Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Please, let me know if I'm being too subtle. Sometimes people have trouble understanding what I'm REALLY trying to say.
Bryanp Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 I will say this one more time. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you expect your husband to show you the decency and respect you deserve by being honest with you about an affair? Why do you continue to humiliate and disrespect your husband this way by refusing to be honest with him and giving him the information he deserves to know. Now he books a two week vacation for the both of you and you continue to treat him like a fool by withholding this information from him. This is really very sad. You continue to say how much you love your husband. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words; and your actions of withholding the truth from your husband speaks volumes about you. The bottom line is that this is really just all about you. How very sad for your husband.
lkjh Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Don't you think that it is kind of low that you are using a trip that you H planned as a means to dealing with your affair. Do you even respect your H at all. He is planning a trip so the two of you can get away from whatever troubles this year brought and you are using that time to deal with another man. Show him a little respect and end the affair today and admit to your H what you have done.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Don't you think that it is kind of low that you are using a trip that you H planned as a means to dealing with your affair. Funny to see you write this as I was thinking the same thing. She's looking at her marriage from the perspective of the affair rather than the other way around. Her thread would read quite differntly were it titled "Do you use the holidays to reconnect with your husband?".... Mr. Lucky
Trimmer Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Please, let me know if I'm being too subtle. Sometimes people have trouble understanding what I'm REALLY trying to say. As Butch Cassidy said: "Don't sugarcoat it like that, Kid.. Tell her straight!"
Reggie Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 I will say this one more time. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you expect your husband to show you the decency and respect you deserve by being honest with you about an affair? Why do you continue to humiliate and disrespect your husband this way by refusing to be honest with him and giving him the information he deserves to know. Now he books a two week vacation for the both of you and you continue to treat him like a fool by withholding this information from him. This is really very sad. You continue to say how much you love your husband. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words; and your actions of withholding the truth from your husband speaks volumes about you. The bottom line is that this is really just all about you. How very sad for your husband. I agree with this. For some strange reason, it seems importnt to you to say you love your H. Clearly, that cannot be true. You should tell him and get this farce of a marriage over with.
Trimmer Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 I agree with this. For some strange reason, it seems importnt to you to say you love your H. Clearly, that cannot be true. You should tell him and get this farce of a marriage over with. ...or at least pick one and pursue it fully and honorably. If you were forced to choose one relationship and stick with it, and discard the other one forever, which would you choose? Right now, you have at least a little bit of control over making that choice, although even then, you can't really be sure that either man would choose to keep you once your choice is made, and your previous actions are fully known. Once your affair is discovered, you will probably lose even that small amount of control - you may well find yourself down a path over which you have no choice. Which would you pick, if you did it now, while you still have some small - but dwindling - control over things? And let me just amplify that point: you may have created for yourself a situation where, no matter which man you choose, you may not be able to have him. Once your affair comes to light, even if you dedicate yourself to your husband, he may not be able to recover, or he may not choose to stay with you. On the other hand, if you leave your husband and choose your MM, who already has a wife and kids, he may freak out and dump you as well. Either of these outcomes is only made more uncertain if you wait until "discovery" and then make your choice because you are forced to do so. Your choice could have at least a little credibility if you make it on your own and then carry it out. A choice made after discovery will always have the taint of being a forced choice, as in "I chose to dedicate myself to you because I was forced to, because of the discovery of the affair."
JamesM Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 A different angle is...your husband may actually realize that you ARE in an affair, and this vacation is his way of attempting to save his marriage. So, the question is...do you want to save your marriage or do you want it to end? I can sense that you are ready to leave the MM and return to your husband. Eventually you will have to resolve the issue of honesty and tell him about the affair. Now you have to decide if you want to rebuild your marriage. Go on the vacation and hope for the best. BUT...if you were my wife, then I would be devastated by your affair, and if I found out about that affair after or during such a (potentially) wonderful vacation, then I am not sure that I could ever look back at that vacation with fond memories. It is a Catch 22. However, I think you must go.
SoulStorm Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 A different angle is...your husband may actually realize that you ARE in an affair, and this vacation is his way of attempting to save his marriage. So, the question is...do you want to save your marriage or do you want it to end? I can sense that you are ready to leave the MM and return to your husband. Eventually you will have to resolve the issue of honesty and tell him about the affair. Now you have to decide if you want to rebuild your marriage. Go on the vacation and hope for the best. BUT...if you were my wife, then I would be devastated by your affair, and if I found out about that affair after or during such a (potentially) wonderful vacation, then I am not sure that I could ever look back at that vacation with fond memories. It is a Catch 22. However, I think you must go. This was my thought too James. ILNY do you not think that your behavior has been suspicious during your affair? That your husband may have picked up on something suspicious and he is just acting oblivious?
mental_traveller Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Your options: 1) If you really love MM and vice versa - divorce, get him to divorce, marry, live happily ever after. This is about as likely as becoming a multimillionaire or Olympic contender i.e. possible but pretty darn difficult without a large dose of luck. Maybe 2 or 3% of affairs end this way. 2) Stop the affair, confess to your husband, never speak to MM again, and let the dice fall where they will. Pray things work out. Probably the best option, but difficult to face up to and follow through with. 3) Continue to have the secret affair. This is the easy option and what 90% of cheaters do. Eventually it either gets discovered, or goes on so long the marriage to your husband will become a pathetic shell. Either result will eat away at your soul and self-respect, unless you are a sexually addicted sociopath with no conscience. 4) Try to stop the affair but not confess to anyone. Won't work, you will get suckered back in. Choose your poison. There's no perfect answer, every choice has pros and cons.
mental_traveller Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 A choice made after discovery will always have the taint of being a forced choice, as in "I chose to dedicate myself to you because I was forced to, because of the discovery of the affair." Great insight...and because it's a "forced" choice, it will never have much credibility. If you salute someone out of respect, it's credible. If you salute someone because one of their minions has an AK-47 up your ass, it don't mean diddly squat. Similar to someone confessing out of principle, decency, or guilt...vs someone caught out and trying to cover their ass any way they can think of.
fastmover Posted November 15, 2008 Posted November 15, 2008 Hi All..... Just joined so would like to say hello and offer my few cents worth if it's ok..... I know this goes against popular opinion but my advice ILNY is to not tell your H about the affair and go on the holiday and see if you can reconnect with him in a loving way that can sustain a marriage....and if so then go for it...... I know I'll probably get slapped for saying not to tell but what good can come of it.....you are not perfect and your husband isn't eaither...and if he is then the remorse that you'll feel for the affair will be just punishment for the betrayal....it will strenghten your resolve to make your marriage work...should that be your decision..... Hope that helps..... Richard
Reggie Posted November 15, 2008 Posted November 15, 2008 The advice to not tell ignores two things. ILNY, you have never addressed the issue of your having exposed your H to STD's. He needs to know so he can take precautions. He needs to avoid any physical relations with you until you get tested and receive a clean bill of health. And, if you have had relations with your H while in the affair, he needs to be tested asap. Do you not care about his health? You profees love for him but what you are doing could seriously impact his health, if not life. Also, your H has the right to direct his life with knowledge of what/who he is dealing with. He is not able to make an informed decision. It has nothing to do with being perfect or not. Of course he is not perfect. That does not mean he should be deprived of seeking a relationship with someone els or , at least getting out of this one , if that is what he chooses. You cannot play games with his life like this.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 Go on holiday. Enjoy yourself and she where your head is at (husband and MM). Good luck.
In Like Flynn Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 Your "Soulmate" has no problem going on vacations with his wife!!! I am sure he says "Oh this is so difficult" and "I won't have sex with my wife". But he doesn't and he will!!! Your not going to do this because your selfish....but do the right thing and tell your husband. Well at least screw his brains out on vacation....give him something....his world is going to change severely soon. You and your OM just sit back and giggle after you had sex about the fact that your spouses go on with life and children not knowing what you are doing. Don't fool yourselves. Your one of "THOSE" people you always said you wouldn't be!!!
65tr6 Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 lol. This reminds me so much of my (x?)WW who went on alteast three separate holiday trips with me/us during the f##$g affair and she admitted she enjoyed them. how do they do that ? it just simply amazes me.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 Yes I am still in the realization that the affair is wrong. I want to be with my husband. We have had 17 happy years together. Just having a 'wobble' today..feeling low. Not thinking straight. 2 weeks away from MM will do me good as well and put things into perspective. I really do feel the 'affair fog' today. I love my husband. I pray this break will help me have time to think and work out where I have gone wrong, what the hell I am doing and what I could lose. The original post sounded pathetic. Sorry. Just not thinking straight. You don't do that kind of thing to someone you love. So... your not in a fog, your just a liar. I can't understand why you need a holiday to figure out right from wrong? My brain doesn't stop working between vacations... why does yours? Bottom line. Right now Go look yourself in a mirror and see if you like the person you see. If you like that person, then continue on your merry way. If you don't... then stop making stupid excuses and stop telling lies! I've been in your shoes. I hate myself for that time. The world is a much brighter place when your honest.
JamesM Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 I can't understand why you need a holiday to figure out right from wrong? My brain doesn't stop working between vacations... why does yours? I am willing to guess that you are not as perfect as you would like to think you are. Based on that, I can conclude that your brain "stops working" occasionally. Some of us normal people do make mistakes, and we learn from them. Not all of us were born with the ability to make perfect choices. My conclusions are that ILNY is actually learning from her mistakes, and that is why she is here.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 26, 2008 Posted November 26, 2008 I am willing to guess that you are not as perfect as you would like to think you are. Based on that, I can conclude that your brain "stops working" occasionally. I've been in your shoes. I hate myself for that time. The world is a much brighter place when your honest. Some of us normal people do make mistakes, and we learn from them. Not all of us were born with the ability to make perfect choices. My conclusions are that ILNY is actually learning from her mistakes, and that is why she is here. Helps if you read the whole post. Bottom line. She knows her actions were wrong. She knew it before, during, and after. She persists in this, and lies continually about it. There is no confusion or mistakes there. It's an active choice to hurt other people. Don't apologize or excuse bad behavior. I've been there and done that. It helps no one and hurts everyone. Please point out where you see growth in ILNY? Because I see her consistently taking the easy route...
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