Husband had Emotional Affair - what next??

[travelgirl]

Where do I begin...

 

HISTORY:

My husband (39) and I (34) have been married for 9yrs and have a 7yr daughter. My husband was very driven and worked hard and took over and now owns the company he worked for when we first met. This allows me to stay home. This company takeover while financially beneficial has put a strain on our marriage due to the long hours and work trips - although in the beginning he worked very hard to please me and was a wonderful dad. Time and distance started to change both of us. We then endured a late miscarriage 2 years ago that seem to tear us apart even more. I have been depressed and unemotional, even angry at him for reasons I wasn't even sure of. Instead of seeking therapy we seem to just be content with what we had (or should I say hadn't.) As we both became more distant, his work hours increased more and I noticed a difference in his behavior. Friends, poker, drinking more when we were out, and most importantly - he was just completely off as a father/husband - not bad or mean but not the same. My mom died in March and it hit me hard and I begged for us to work on the marriage but he was checked out at that point and sorta shrugged it off. I had to deal with mine and my daughters sadness and sorta just let the marriage fade as did he. Sex was almost non existent at this point and I was really lonely.

 

The OW:

My husband hired a new employee last fall. She is 23 years old. He always would talk to me about employees and I remember him telling me she was dumb and trashy in the beginning. After the Christmas party, he came home telling me she left and slept with one of their customer's main representatives and he was not so keen because it was an awkward situation for both companies She was humiliated and didn't come back to work. Another female employee and my husband talked to her on the phone a few times and convinced her to come back to work after a week or so. I was aware of all of this and thought it was stupid because she didn't seem to be a helpful employee and not showing up for a week+ no matter what the circumstances are, well ridiculous. What I wasn't aware of is that my husband and her got close because of the ordeal and talking back and forth on the phone those 10 days or so before she came back. Well fast forward to about 6 weeks ago and I found out he has been having an emotional affair with this girl since about March of last year. I started waking up and having suspicions in Sept and caught some strange (non sexual) texts back and forth on his phone from her cell phone. He did the typical "we are just friends" but I told him it was unprofessional and he needs to cut it out. I waited another week to gather more info and then found more emails in his personal account that was sent back and forth when we were on a family cruise in Sept. They were mainly jokes and some can't wait to see you when I get back and so forth. I was beyond livid when I found them and we had a long talk. He swears up and down it isn't sexual or physical but she just made him feel needed and cheered him up. I was devastated because I know how unemotional I have been to him but it was no excuse for being sneaky and flirty behind my back with an employee almost half his age of a company he owns. It made me sick but we had many many talks and so many things were said that should have been said years ago. He didn't know what an emotional affair was but once I showed him some articles he seem to realize that was him. We made a promise to work on the marriage because we still loved each other.

 

ISSUES:

From that moment forward, I started to work on myself and the marriage. I went on medication for PCOS (which affects my hormones which probably increased my depression/anger issues) and it really helped me jolt back into place physically and mentally. I also started to see a therapist. We were talking more often and things seem to be going in a positive direction and he commented multiple times about how proud he was of me. I still noticed some things not changing with him and once I saw the withdrawal signs on marriagebuilders, I realized he was probably still talking to this girl inappropriately. Stupid me for thinking he could stop cold turkey and trusting him. So sure enough, I logged into his satellite work email from his laptop and saw tons of messages in his sent, deleted and inbox to and from her. Now these are dating back to months and months (my husband rarely deletes anything) but the biggest crusher was that there were still some emails back and forth after he promised to change. Not nearly as many as before but it didn't matter to me - he watched me changing and he was still continuing down this path. The crusher for me was finding one that had her kidding around about him misspelling her name and he said when she has his last name he will spell it right. Then put haha. She replied back with her initials and then laughing too. I was so upset. He cried and opened up and admitting to having these weird feelings for her - like an addiction. She was at this point dating another employee (who was also married but at least separated) and he told me it bothered him and he couldn't understand why. He told me so many things that I wasn't ready to hear. How one time she was joking around and showed him videos of her and her ex boyfriend having sex on her cell phone and then he sent her back a picture of him jerking off. He maintains this was as sexual as it got and he didn't have any intention of getting physical with her but did not want her with anyone else because he craved the attention. He tried to break it off after we talked but she kept asking what was wrong and missed the attention herself and he dove right back in. He also pulled the ole "I love you but I am not sure if I am in love with you." I told him to pack up and leave and when he came back in 2 days to take our daughter for a few hours, he begged me to try and work thru this, he wants to go to MC, don't kick him out etc... I caved and I am not sure if I made the right decision.

 

WHAT TO DO:

I know marriagebuilders says to not separate but I also feel like I am letting him back in too easy. She still works at the office and as the owner, he can't leave and am not sure if he can really just single her out and fire her for this. We have talked about what he should do about the work situation and are both unsure. This was over the weekend. This week he has been open, trying to please me and wanting to talk but I am also starting to see signs of withdrawal and it makes me so angry to see some emptiness in him. He is in away for business for 2 days and last night I called the OW to ask her if she is sleeping with him and she swore she isn't, she has a boyfriend, he is like a father figure to her, it was stupid jokes that got out of hand and she never realized how emotional he was towards her or that she had the need to keep talking to him once he cut off talking to her. She even admitted to trying to contact him kidding around this week and he has secluded himself at work. She said she never realized this affected his marriage and knew at that point, the jokes and innuendoes were over. I think it was just a game to her. Every question I asked her was similar to answers he gave me but from her point of view. I am confident they were not sleeping together and she truly seemed sorry for being this OW. So now I am undecided how to approach this. I know this withdrawal period will be tough on all of us. A part of me wants him gone with the whole "if he truly loves loves me, he will come back to me when he is ready" and then another part of me realizes I played a part in the downfall of our marriage and should suck it up during this process, let him stay, get MC and see if we can find our way back. I have so many mixed emotions on this and would just like to really know how other people going thru EA's dealt with the beginning stage whether they stayed or took some time apart. What seems to work positively and what doesn't?

 

Thanks for listening. Typing this whole thing was therapeutic. Sorry for how long it was.

[signedin2008]

They need to have no contact for life. This means she has to go OR he has to leave the company, no but, if, maybe, etc. Either they have NO Contact for life, or your marriage is doomed.

 

I highly doubt that after all those flirting, there was not physical affair. They are both emotionally involved and addicted. With all those communication, all they need is 5 minutes alone to have acted on their urges. Get yourself tested for STD and ask him to do so as well, in addition to no contact for life if he is truly sorry and begging for not wanting to lose his family.

[LakesideDream]

Sad story. I agree that if your husband is interested in saving his marriage with you (which is unclear) he needs to stop all contact with this young woman.

 

This is a doubly sad story as it appears that you checked out of the emotional life with your husband. While it doesen't excuse his behavior with this woman, it does offer an a plausable explaination for it. Everyone needs someone they can talk to and share their emotions with. At that time, and from your words for some time, you were not that person.

 

Maybe counsiling might benifit you both.

[travelgirl]

This is a doubly sad story as it appears that you checked out of the emotional life with your husband.

 

It is very sad. I think about all the missed opportunities for either of us to get help, especially after the miscarriage and I know I have a large part in the downfall of our marriage. But he strayed and now this is a huge hurdle to overcome before peeling off the other layers of our failed marriage. I am already in therapy.

 

 

This means she has to go OR he has to leave the company

 

Well he owns and runs the company so he couldn't leave or the whole company would shut down and we would be bankrupt. Our problem is since HE is the owner/ceo, can he just flat out fire her without looking at a possible lawsuit? He is hopeful after he ignored her last attempts of jokes and then I called her that she will just feel like it isn't right to stay and quit. He said if not, he was already looking to let a few people go (the economy is hitting the company hard) and would just make her one of them. I know this is what needs to happen but I too am nervous about doing that.

 

To all:

 

He just got back from a business trip this evening and I have ignored all of his calls today to think. I had a therapy session today and after some thinking I decided that I would not let him back in the house until he cuts off all contact - meaning she is gone from the company and his personal life, sets up a therapy session for himself and a MC for both of us. After there is no contact for a little while and we have already seen the MC at least one time, I would consider letting him back in the house if I felt he was being sincere in wanting to move forward. I haven't talked to him yet to say this so I would love to hear any other comments or opinions on this??

[signedin2008]

There is a danger in doing what you're doing. Since they are both addicted to each other and infactuated with each other. Without you in the picture, they can continue the affair and maybe even taking it to the next level. You NEED to expose the affair to people your husband and this other woman respect, ESPECIALLY her boyfriend, her parents, your husband's parents, etc.

 

Affair survives on secretcy. Once it's exposed, it's no longer fun and exciting. Her boyfriend needs to know so you have an extra pair of eyes on these two adulterers sneaking into motels or the supply room at work.

[imagine]

There is a danger in doing what you're doing. Since they are both addicted to each other and infactuated with each other. Without you in the picture, they can continue the affair and maybe even taking it to the next level. You NEED to expose the affair to people your husband and this other woman respect, ESPECIALLY her boyfriend, her parents, your husband's parents, etc.

 

Affair survives on secretcy. Once it's exposed, it's no longer fun and exciting. Her boyfriend needs to know so you have an extra pair of eyes on these two adulterers sneaking into motels or the supply room at work.

 

You know this already.

 

His long hours are also a major problem. You know this too.

Plan A. Do it.

[travelgirl]

You know this already.

 

His long hours are also a major problem. You know this too.

Plan A. Do it.

 

We both know where all the problems are now that we are open and talking about them.

 

I feel like I tried Plan A when I first found out about the girl. I took steps and wanted him to take them too. He didn't because he never felt the necessity and I went to Plan B to show him I am serious. I am not regretting it at all. The time apart has been good for both of us. He has been staying at a hotel since Thursday and since then had her let go - basically telling another female employee (my husband's first employee and completely loyal to him) to tell her that it is in her best interest to quit and find a new job. He also made an appointment for us to see a MC this Thursday, a therapist for him next week, and we have talked hours and hours on the phone - even Saturday night until 2 AM. He also spent the weekend reading a book about emotional infidelity, catching up on some work, spending a lot of time with his daughter and not contacting her or running off with his friends and drinking away his problems like he has done before - something he could have easily done this whole weekend while not in my sight. So even though Plan A can work and will hopefully work for us soon, I think my husband needed to see he had to work and fight too and I don't regret what I did. I guess each situation is different but I didn't feel comfortable giving him a list of what to do and then allowing him to stay here so I can watch over him like a hawk. I don't think I could have moved forward that way without wondering if the only reason he is working on it is because I am forcing him without giving him any air to breath or think his true thoughts. I don't condone the EA at all but I have made mistakes in the marriage too and I want to work together, not one of us forcing the other ones hand.

 

Affair survives on secretcy. Once it's exposed, it's no longer fun and exciting. Her boyfriend needs to know so you have an extra pair of eyes on these two

 

I agree with this. Her boyfriend does know now but doesn't see it like I do. This is only because my husband was honest to me about the obsession and need he had, but said it wasn't like that for her and she wouldn't have thought he was feeling that way either - he kept it a secret from her too. Her boyfriend sees it as 2 friends messing around with each other and the man (my husband) saw a little too much into it. They have been only dating for a few months. The OW is just one of those girls that enjoyed watching my husband get attached to her. It was emotional for him, it was a game to her. She is a 23yr old partying girl. She wasn't looking for anything from my husband but an easier job to walk into everyday, better pay and someone to joke around with and see if she can get a rise out of. My husband fell for it hook, line and sinker.

[veronese]

Given that you played it nice initially and he continued to interact with this woman inappropriately, albeit on a reduced scale, my view is your best option is the one you are taking, and hopefully will stick to.

 

When a husband fails to recognise and respect the enormity of the situation when his wife discovers his 'friendship' and 'relationship' of sorts with another woman, he is unfortunately probably a little too conceited/arrogant/desnse/complacent/retarded to comprehend anything other than very harsh repercussions as a consequence. Leniance or compassion towards him at this stage is regrettably unlikely to result in imprpoved behaviour and attitude towards his you, his wife and your marriage.

 

Yes it's going to be a gamble but a gamble I think worth taking in order to save your marriage which I am confident with effort, love and time has every chance of recovery, survival and success. No guarantees it will happen, no guarantees either of you will want it enough to make it happen, but from what I've read there's every hope it can.

 

What next??? A very difficult time hun, but stay strong and keep posting. You are probably entering a period of semi-madness and confusion, a period of something very similar to bereavement and grief. On the plus side you will marvel at your abilities as a private investigator and pride yourself on knowing you are doing what you hope and believe is in the best interest of your marriage with your (very foolish) husband.

 

Take it day by day, just day by day.

 

Hugs

 

veronese xxx

[JamesM]

I will put a slightly different take on it.

 

I think your husband simply got carried away with the addiction of it. It had nothing to do with emotional love to her. He just enjoyed the feelings. Wrongly he did not think of his future. I would not classify it as an emotional affair as much as it was an addiction. I doubt he thought of her as some beautiful woman whom he would love to truly be with. He simply loved the flirting that gave him those feelings. I would also like to think that he would not have let it go too far, and he felt somewhat safe in that because he knew she did not intend it to be more than a flirtation.

 

On the other side, she simply loved the attention that her boss gave her. She never planned on letting it be an affair. It helped her keep her job, so she gained from it.

 

Knowing that, I think this marriage has a great chance of survival. You have many hurt feelings, and may even realize that his addiction did not happen in a vacuum. But with some MC and alot of honest communication, I can see this marriage actually being stronger than it was before.

[travelgirl]

Veronese, thank you for the support. I am sticking with the plan and it does seem to be working. It is hard not having him here but I am confident he wouldn't have taken me seriously otherwise. It has been positive thus far.

 

James, this is exactly how my husband sees it and to a point I understand the obsession behind the attention but it also went on so long which really hurts. It also disappoints me that he would do this with a co-worker for a company he struggled so hard to get. One of the things I loved so much about him was his determination in life to support his family and I didn't think something so frivolous, that could destroy his personal and professional life, would get in the way. I am glad you are hopeful of our marriage. I need the positive energy to get me thru this.

[veronese]

The fact that your husband was prepared to risk all that he had with you, possibly breaking up your family causing you and your daughter so much pain and anguish is truly mind blowing isn't it? And for what? An ego-boosting, titilating, frivolous, exciting yet danger liaison with someone yet no-one. Why the hell did he do it? How the hell could he knowingly behave in a way that he must have known could have resulted in ending his marriage and family life?

 

I think that's the bit that hurts the most, the fact that he could be sufficiently distracted and tempted by something that for all intense and purposes was nothing more than a way to make the days pass less mundanely.

 

The reason he took such a huge risk and gambled your heart and sanity was because:

 

1. He didn't think you'd ever know about it therefore didn't think it would hurt you.

 

2. He didn't view it as a threat to your relationship, was enjoying the thrill and the novelty and imagined that he could, indeed, have his cake and eat it.

 

3. Got carried away and loved feeling attractive, sexy, desirable again.

 

4. Was a prick who had started to take you for granted, felt secure, safe and certain of your loyalty and was complacent and a tad arrogant in his make believe world, the world where he changed from Mr. Married, Boring and Settled to Mr Horny Bastard, irresistable to womankind.

 

You can get through this and recover Travelgirl, but it's a long journey and a bumpy ride. The obsessive thinking and deep hurt and fear lasts a while I'm afraid, and your marriage will be forever changed as a result of this episode, but may end up being one that hopefully will be more fulfilling to you both.

 

Keep reading Marriage Builders, it's an excellent site. Even if your husband isn't inclined to take the advice on board it will give you an insight into your own needs and desires and will help you move towards attaining them. While it's important to recognise where you have contributed to the situation, do make sure to focus on what YOU want going forward, not just what will make HIM happier and more content.

 

Good luck

 

Veronese xx

[travelgirl]

Veronese, thank you. I totally see your reasons - they actually made me laugh. I think another thing we have both figured out is that both of us subconsciously thought the marriage rode it's course and there was nothing to do but continue on down a broken path. No one wanted to take the steps to change and seek help - and if one of us did try, the other balked because there was more pride, anger and resentment than sadness, loneliness and caring.

 

I haven't seen him since Sunday when he was here to see our daughter. We have talked and he texts me often. We talked late last night and had some heated moments but one of us calms down and we get back to rational talking. We are actually both looking forward to our first MC session on Friday which hopefully will help us even more. He really misses my me, our daughter, being in the home, even the dog and cat! I think this time apart has been good for both of us and I am glad I haven't caved and let him come home. But I think once we see the MC on Friday, it will be decision time whether he comes home or not. Until then....

[travelgirl]

Veronese, thank you. I totally see your reasons - they actually made me laugh. I think another thing we have both figured out is that both of us subconsciously thought the marriage rode it's course and there was nothing to do but continue on down a broken path. No one wanted to take the steps to change and seek help - and if one of us did try, the other balked because there was more pride, anger and resentment than sadness, loneliness and caring.

 

I haven't seen him since Sunday when he was here to see our daughter. We have talked and he texts me often. We talked late last night and had some heated moments but one of us calms down and we get back to rational talking. We are actually both looking forward to our first MC session on Friday which hopefully will help us even more. He really misses my me, our daughter, being in the home, even the dog and cat! I think this time apart has been good for both of us and I am glad I haven't caved and let him come home. But I think once we see the MC on Friday, it will be decision time whether he comes home or not. Until then....

[2sure]

Travelgirl -

 

You and your H both seem to be on the same page...MC will open new doors in your relationship. This EA was a huge red flag and it is quite possible your Marriage will end up better than you would have thought possible.

[travelgirl]

Update:

Last night H and I went out for a quick dinner to get a talk in before going to our first MC session today. It was nice, we talked, he was open and he sent me an extremely nice text once we both left to go home (he to the hotel.)

 

 

First MC session:

H picked me up and we went together. Both of us were talking and relaxed. It was 90 minutes long. Our MC was nice and sweet but I don't think she is the one for us and the good news is we both agreed. She didn't ask us one thing about us, our history, our family, our problems, when did you get married, any kids etc...

 

All she did was have us talk to each other and "mirror" everything back. We both started off saying why we thought the other was here. That went okay but it took forever to mirror and add anything anyone missed. Then instead of finding out about us, she went on and on using analogies about communication and how each person represent a different culture/country/movie blah blah blah. I understood what she meant in the first 2 minutes and she went on for 10 minutes. Then my husband had to talk about "his country" while I mirrored him back - and then we were done. That's it. I spent $275 on THAT? I felt totally ripped off. Maybe it is our personalities, maybe it is because she is older, maybe it is because we both have been talking and communicating really well lately and this seem like a step backwards.

 

But my H did open up some about our beginning and my giving up a lot (family, friends - moving to his locale, my career for motherhood, etc... ) while he didn't have to compromise and while he should have more appreciative, he thinks he actually subconsciously became more selfish and demanding. That was nice to hear.

 

Still, I understand the concept of "mirroring" but if we have to mirror back every 5 minutes, isn't half our session wasted? I never got to talk about "my country." Plus she gave us no homework, no advice, no good job - just asked to show each other some affection at the end which we would have done already. Then said she is MIA for 2 weeks and can get us in on Dec 12th!! So, no thanks. I already had a back up MC lined up for this Wednesday. Hoping he is a little more personal.

 

Otherwise, we seem to be on our way, taking it slowly everyday. The communication between us on the phone, in person and texts are more open then we have been in years. It really is eye opening how we easily let our marriage slip away for years without even realizing it.

[Owl]

Yep, it definitely sounds like you got one of those counselors who doesn't actually attempt to identify and fix the PROBLEM...instead, they focus on what THEY THINK are the issues.

 

She clearly ASSUMED that the issues were all about communication...specifically listening to each other.

 

And she tried to sell this plan to you without making any attempt to show you its value first.

 

Definitely find another counselor...don't waste another cent on someone who's not interested in finding out what the problem is that they're trying to fix.

[misternoname]

If any of you have read my other posts you probably think I'm the biggest cynic on the planet but I'm really not...just basing my opinions on past experience.

 

I am of the opinion that "emotional affairs" are virtually non existent. I'd be willing to bet that 90% plus of EA's are really full blown affairs where the guilty party only wants to come partially clean. It gives them a chance to get it off their chest without having to admit to the actual sexual act. Let's face it...men aren't interested in having a buddy. They want one thing primarily and it doesn't involve just chatting.

 

My wife had a few affairs. She always tried to put them off as nothing more than being friends and flirtting. With some detective work I discovered each and every one involved sex. She's gone now. But you know the really weird thing? Months after she left (while she was in an exclusive relationship with another dude) she slept with me! How bizarre is that? She's cheating on her new beau with her ex husband! Guess some things never change.

[Owl]

It really depends on the circumstances, Mister.

 

Sometimes, the ability to consumate the affair simply isn't there...like in my wife's EA. They met online, and he was about 1500 miles away. They WANTED to consumate it (whether they admitted it or not), but the opportunity wasn't there.

 

That happens.

 

Now..."just" an EA when there is also physical proximity and opportunity? Probably a cover up. I'll agree with you there for sure.

[misternoname]

Good point Owl...with the internet readily available, cyber sex seems to be the "safe" alternative to the real thing. I guess my point is that an emotional affair by definition doesn't involve sex at all. Dirty chatting, exchanging pictures, etc. in my opinion crosses that invisible boundry.

 

Sorry for your situation. It all just sucks!

[Owl]

No worries...and my situation turned out as a success story, so it's all good.

 

Surprisingly, the 'cybering' thing was actually a point of contention between OM and my wife.

 

She wasn't 'ready' to go that kind of route...she was caught up in the "romantic" picture, and less so in that kind of thing. OM, of course, wanted it all.

 

And this isn't based only off of what she told me...I 'busted them' by capturing several days of IM conversations between the two of them, and so read their discussions on that subject.

 

But, I do agree with you. Had it gone to that kind of thing, esp if a camera had been involved, I would have considered it a PA as well as an EA.

[mental_traveller]

How do you know he hasn't had sex with her? Guys won't usually put this effort into a woman without getting some kind of action in the bedroom. Maybe it just stuck to an emotional affair, but I wouldn't dismiss the chance that they had physical contact too.

[65tr6]

as mt says, are you sure there was no sex involved or it does not matter at this point ? In my wife's case, i had to know all the details...all came out within 10 minutes..(the sex, how many times they had, when it started).

 

Are you sure they never met before last year ? I know it is probably very painful, but i would look straight into the eye and ask him to confess everything, i mean everything...that he may not have revealed so far. You may think it is not pertinant but in the begining my wife kept the lurid details from me...but as i kept asking i found out some things that completely devastated me...the manner in which she did it. I rather know everything now than later if i want to rebuild my marriage from the ground up.

 

I know it depends on the individual how much they want to know but in my case, i wanted everything known. And that also helped her, i think anyway, knowing that i now know pretty much everything.

 

Men, in general dont just chat with girls without the intention of getting into bed with them. The OM that my wife had affair with was no f#$#$ exception. Ofcourse my wife was stressing on Emotional part in the beginning. But now she probably realises.

 

Also may be a good idea to get tested for STD. Sorry, if i come out sounding very negative but be prepared that you may not have heard everything yet.

[roadrage]

travelgirl

I'm a plain talker, so please don't be offended with what I say, because it's all with the best of intentions.

 

Since your husband bought the company, he's got into a powertrip and has turned into a complete wanker (literally by what you've told us about what he films on his mobile phone). Try and find out how what his subordinates think of him. Should be damn interesting! Power and being full of your own importance can do this to some people. Others can have power and still be the same good person. Unfortunately, your husband is a few years behind in maturity. Does he still wear nappies? That's probably something else he's keeping from you . Tell him to go sit in the naughty corner next time he plays up .

 

What amazes me most is his thinking. By what you've said about his responses to his affairs, about loving a woman but not being in love, he seems to think and speak very much like one. He's pathetic! Crying and full of self pity. He needs a good kick in the nuts by the sounds of it (if he has any).

 

TG, my dear, don't try and unravel the nonsense that's going on in your husband's screwed up head. You're a good, decent girl by the sounds of it, and you've both been through the usual rollercoaster ride that most of us go through in our first years of marriage. My wife and I are into our 3rd year, and we are working hard to adjust....and my wife is far more possesive than you are (but I love that in a girl).

 

Right, time to call a spade a spade! Your hubby is a son of a bitch! He cares not of his marriage or his kids. He lacks the maturity to work on his marriage. Yes, you admit to being unemotional and a bit aggresive at first but this is just a normal stage of married life especially after having your first baby. He should have worked with you rather than deciding to go astray. You've done all the hard work. While you are there worrying and beating yourself up on how you can do better, he's out there have a whale of a time texting, beating his noodle on camera and having cyber sex with his tarty secretary. Gees, he can cyber but not put it all into practice, and this is a girl he employs? He has no intention of stopping, so I suggest, kick him out again, change the locks, file for custody, divorce and devote entirely to your kids. They need their mum more than ever. Plus, their love will be unconditional!

[signedin2008]

While you are there worrying and beating yourself up on how you can do better, he's out there have a whale of a time texting, beating his noodle on camera and having cyber sex with his tarty secretary. Gees, he can cyber but not put it all into practice, and this is a girl he employs?

 

I agree. Cyber is for people who can't see and touch each other due to distance. He employes her. All he need is 30 minutes lunch time and $50 or under for a local motel.

[travelgirl]

Thanks all for the support. I know many are still wondering if it was physical and thinking I am wrong for believing it was only emotional.

 

I was able to look up all the emails through his satellite account. He would have had no idea that I could even figure out how to use it or figure out his password. Once I logged on, there was emails dating back from 04/08 on there, in the inbox, deleted, and sent. I read every single one from her and him and none of them showed me anything but casual flirtation and sexual innuendos. Nothing was about being in love, getting together, truly missing each other, truly sexual etc.... It was all in flirtation levels that I found completely disgusting but could tell it wasn't physical.

 

I am not saying it would have never gone there. From what I gather (from MC sessions and talking) she started the office flirting with a few people including him. He fell for it and they started bantering back and forth. It was much more casual back then but when she starting dating the new office guy, my H was hurt by it because she now went to someone else for banter, talking, decisions, jokes, laughter, etc... It became an addiction for him to try and impress her more and more. She continued it as well but it was obvious thru reading the emails, he always started and finished them. She didn't really want any parts of him sexually but I could see if she gave in during that time, it might have gone to physical. That all said, I am NOT justifying it is easier because it wasn't physical. This betrayal of emotions and sexual flirtation is extremely hurtful and I consider it infidelity no matter how much/little contact there was.

 

Anywho, we found a great MC that we both really like - which was great because the first one was a dud. We had a long session last Wed and will again this Thurs. MC wanted me to let H back in the house so we can both focus on the marriage and family together. H left work early Wed after the session and spent 4.5 days completely away from the office and his blackberry, and devoted himself to family time. A true miracle. I didn't ask either, he just did it on his own. He even had his mom take our daughter overnight and set up a date night with 2 other couples (my friends) for dinner on Saturday and then we went out just us 2 to a pub and sat in a corner and drank pints, talked and laughed until the bar closed. It was a nice change of pace from the family/work dealings we always have and reminded me of when we were first dating.

 

I can see the changes in him. He has been really trying but it is VERY hard for me to move forward. I know the changes I need to make and I am making them but at the same time there is deep resentment in me. I feel like when I take a step forward with him, I later want to take 2 steps back to make him be ahead and try harder then me? Like he owes me. Does that make any sense? I know it is probably destructive but it is really hard not to. I find myself fine and happy when I am with him but when he is at work, a lot of resentment/anger/sadness comes flooding back. Even though she isn't there anymore and he is coming home earlier and calling/texting more. I did open up to him about this tonight and instead of getting defensive, he wanted me to pour it out and listen to me. I felt much better when I let it out because I normally hold those kinds of feelings in.

 

I will update again towards the end of the week. Thanks for listening and your comments. This forum has been a HUGE help for me. I can't thank you all enough