trueloveexists Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 My boyfriend (now ex) and I had been together for over 2½ years. Although we argued a lot and didn't get along as much as we should have, we had always remained faithful to one another and never cheated. We have been broken up for about a month now. Things were worse toward the end and we decided to call it quits due to the fact that we hardly got along. Despite our decision, we couldn't keep away from each other (It's tough after having been together for so long) and still talked and occasionally and had sex. Things have been like this for the past few weeks and we have been trying to come up with a solution in hopes that we can get back together in the future. The only thing we could come up with was to take time apart and hopefully find our way back to each other someday. Here's where it gets messy. While said ex and I were hanging out at a book store a few days ago, we got into a fight (over something absolutely ridiculous - he later on realized this) and he took me home immediately afterwards. Well, I was feeling completely miserable and felt like there was absolutely nothing left for us (I was just fed up with everything), so I did something unlike me. The next day, I slept with a guy that's been a customer at my job that I met a while back. Half of me feels guilty, half of me feels like I technically didn't do anything wrong since my ex and I are broken up. A few friends have told me that I haven't done anything wrong, but my heart is telling me that I have. I stopped by my ex's house today to pick up something I let him borrow that I needed back. When I left, we decided that we weren't going to keep contact for a while since it's what needed to happen. Before I left, he told me that if I did anything with another guy, to never talk to him again and to forget ever getting back with him. I told him I thought it was unfair to expect me to act like I'm committed to him when we're not even a couple, but he didn't concur. Being afraid of losing him forever and knowing that what I did a few days ago was blatantly due to the fact that I was angry, hopeless, and hurt, I didn't tell him. He made it seem like he could just completely forget about me and shrug me off like it's nothing if he found out what happened. Doesn't that, in a way, show that he doesn't care as much as he could/should? Is he entitled to know about this? Should I feel guilty for keeping this from him? Should I feel guilty about what I did, despite the fact that we're not together? Any advice is greatly appreciated.
sacg Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 If you dont mind me asking, how old are you? im slightly intrigued as to the reasoning behind getting with this "past" aqaintance. Did you feel something for this customer when you first met? If so, maybe thats been diggin away inside for a while and causing ripples at home? How did you meet the customer again on the night in question? Did you call him? If so, why did you have his number? Maybe im reading into this from past experience, but before you ask if its right or wrong, you need to know why? Being down and miserable isnt enough, trust me, if it were, we'd all on LS be too busy shagging and no one would write.:-)
lofi_tokyo Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 I think maybe part of your guilt stems from you acting out of character and sleeping with a customer at your work. Outside of a relationship, I think its not unusual to feel guilty about that action it itself. I also think feeling guilty is not really something others can justify for you. It does not matter what I say, or what anyone else here says, if you feel guilty, I don't know if we can really talk you out of it. That being said, I'll give my input anyways . You didn't cheat. So if you're feeling guilty about cheating, then don't, because the relationship was technically over. By the same token though, I am assuming that after 2 1/2 years, you did share a loving relationship with your ex. I don't know why... but I guess there is this somewhat silly expectation that when a serious relationship ends, both parties go their separate ways, but don't really go around kissing other people right away. Its a dumb pretense to put on a relationship, because it doesn't really work anyways - a lot of people on this site (including myself) are people who were left by their loved ones for someone else. Sooooooooooo In summary: to feel guilty or not to feel guilty? Well your ex said it was over, you thought it was. Then he tells you there COULD be a second chance, if you don't date anyone. Kind of ridiculous, right? Why break it off if you want the person back? Your actions were perhaps a bit hurtful to your ex, yes, but whats done is done.
Ronni_W Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 I think maybe part of your guilt stems from you acting out of character and sleeping with a customer at your work. I agree with tokyo's post. You didn't so much cheat on your ex (not even sure that is possible) as much as you cheated on your own values or "character", perhaps? Which, even if you did and you don't like that you did, it is fine to forgive yourself with the promise that you will definitely aim for better (for yourself), next time.
wowIlose Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 You didn't do anything wrong because the relationship was technically over. Though you certainly sealed your own fate when it comes to reconciliation. Perhaps more space (without meeting up for sex) would have brought you two closer together again in the long run as you realized you missed each other more. Bottom line is you must now move on with your life(and let him move on with his). Do not tell him about this unless you want to cause pain for the both of you. At the same time you don't want to hide this away from him and lead him on a path that makes him think you haven't done anything with anyone else in the hopes of getting back together.
lkjh Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 You didn't technically cheat but the two of you were still talking so that was a betrayal. How would you feel if after that fight he went a slept with some girl? Also if your friends think its ok just to sleep with some guy it may be time to get new friends. Hold yourself in higher regard, don't just sleep with some guy for no reason at all. I know this is a old way of thinking but trust me people will respect you more if you respect yourself. Last if the two of you start talking again tell him the truth, I highly doubt he doesn't care about you because of that comment. I would say the same thing just because its hard to respect a girl that you once held so highly after something like this. It seems like he was saying he would rather not see you again then know you did this.
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