Queeny Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 I have been with my live in boyfriend for almost 5 years. Recently i became suspicious of him. Last week i found out he has been cheating. I found his car at the OW's house several times. He claims there was no sex. He blames it on the fact that i have been "slacking on him", that she "made him feel like a man". And so forth. He apologized & we agreed on making it work on the grounds that he would not contact her again. This past Saturday I checked his phone & saw that he had been calling her & texting her. I confronted him & he claims that he did that because he knew i would check his phone... i do not see why he would try to play games & instigate more trouble. Yesterday night she was texting him all night while he was sleeping. He has the audacity to get mad at me for searching his phone. He says i am violating him. That is totally irrational to me. I do not know what to do. Also, he is worried about me finding another man, which i do not understand. Please advise.
Maladjusted Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 He is mad at you because he has something to hide. When my wife was hiding something, she would get mad at me too. Where there is smoke there is fire. He is worried about you cheating on him because he has cheated on you. When I discovered my wife was involved with another man, one thing she was immediately worried about was that I would go out and bang someone else.....why? Because they think you will try and get even with them. You had better believe that there was sex involved. How else could she "make him feel like a man". You know ultimately you have to decide how you will allow yourself to be treated. If you aren't married to him or don't have any kids with him I'd very likely be moving on.
2sure Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 You have been with him 5 years and have a child together. You have a real family together, a comittment, like a marriage. He has betrayed you and offers no real or change. Infidelity can be overcome, but he has to try even harder than you. Sadly, he isnt willing to do that. You have every single right to have complete transparency from him regarding his emails and cell phone. You have every single right to contact the OW and make her aware of what is happening with your family. Who knows what he is telling her? Yes, he will get mad. But if he doesnt accept this and change, what have you to lose?
SRV Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 2Sure, I have read a lot of your replies and do honestly respect your opinion but differ on the point that once a person has cheated, that trust is really hard to regain. I think its best to cut the loses especially as in this case where there are no children involved. They have dated for 5 years, that has given him the "comfort" of milking the cow without having to pay for it, pardon my analogy, but that's exactly what it is. She better be grateful that they are not yet married, because this would be headed to d-court and is a preview of what would be in a marriage. Either way, Queeny, I wish you well in making the best informed decision as to where you head from here.
Reggie Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 I am sorry that you are going through this. I agree withthe others that have advised you to consider getting out. This is not thee type of person with whom to make a commitment.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 There IS a child involved, which complicates things imho. Queeny, you have to make the choice whether you can stay with him or not, but I think you should go if he is not truly remorseful (he doesn't sound like it), and if he does not agree to (and allow you to verify) that he will go No Contact with the OW.
Lizzie60 Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 Your spouse is lying as he breathes.. He claims there was no sex. He blames it on the fact that i have been "slacking on him", that she "made him feel like a man". Typical.. to blame the spouse.. claims there was no sex.. wow.. what a jerk.. does he think you're stupid or what?... really... This past Saturday I checked his phone & saw that he had been calling her & texting her. I confronted him & he claims that he did that because he knew i would check his phone... OMG.. what a loser.. he did it on purpose.. yeah right.. he probably meant he forgot to erase it.. why would he do that? He has the audacity to get mad at me for searching his phone. Very typical.. My advice.. kick him out.. let him go to her.. simple as that.. he won't stop.. trust me on that one.. unless, of course, you want to share him..
Author Queeny Posted November 14, 2008 Author Posted November 14, 2008 THANK YOU ALL FOR ALL YOUR ADVISE!!!!!!!! To clear things up, there is a 2 year old baby girl in this relationship. That is the main thing keeping me in. Also, we live in his hometown not, i have nobody here, all my familiy is back home in Chicago. I do not believe him when he says that they did not have sex. Before I knew about what was going on, he was not having sex with me. He claimed to be tired, which he had never done before. That is what made me get suspicious. Well to update on this situation, last night he calls me to tell me that he will be staying the night at his father's house since I have beem "stressing him" out the past 2 weeks, i tell him it is his fault since he is the one doing wrong. He has the audacity to tell me that he did not do anything. I tell him, you can not say that, i caught you multiple times, he tells me, "no, i didnt get caught doing anything". That made me explode, it felt like i had been suppressing all the anger & his lack of accountability and denial of all they I know for a fact made me snap. I told him to stay at his fathers, not to come bach home. EVER. It was such an insult to me for him to denie all the fact that I know are true. It was like a slap in the face. I just couldnt try to be nice to him after that. He kept calling me all night but i did not answer. Also, he did not spend the night at his father's house. Im sure he ran to the OW. He is calling me again this morning. But i am so angry at his denial of the facts that I do not want to hear his voice. Your thoughts please.
2sure Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 You have to bail. With infidelity, I do not believe that leaving is always the best/only/first choice. But you arent just dealing with infidelity. The gaslighting this guy is doing to you - telling you what you see is not what you see, telling you what he does is not what he does - is insane. Bail.
mental_traveller Posted November 15, 2008 Posted November 15, 2008 Dump him, never speak to him again, move on. Simple. Works. Is rarely followed by the victim of cheating. Usually learned the hard way.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 This affair is giving him something he is missing. Figure out what that is and see if you and he can work on it. Something is wrong and you will need to make it right or it's the end.
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