flyingtim01 Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 I recently met a girl on an online dating site. You could only designate yourself as either married or single (marrieds get locked out) so she isn't aware that I was previously married. It never came up in our online messages to one another (they were all just sorta friendly 'hi how are you today' kinda things) and now that we've been on two dates, I think she should know. Part of me actually feels sorta guilty that I haven't told her yet, but then again, we haven't delved into her romantic past either. After all, its only been two dinner dates. However, we're going out for a third date and I'd like to tell her. I'm just wondering how I should bring it up to her. I suppose the right time might just present itself, but I'd sorta like to go into it with a plan. My marriage and divorce wasn't particularly complicated...there wasn't a house or kids involved and we were only married 3 years, so I really don't think its a big deal. I do realize though that its her decision to make, not mine, so I'd like to let her know. Any suggestions or prior experiences would be helpful. Thanks!
amaysngrace Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 Unless divorced is an option then you are single. I'm single. I'm divorced but I'm still single. Single means not married. Anyway I'd wait until she tells you something personal before you go bringing it up. She may not even be ready to hear about past romances just yet. If she mentions an ex then there is your opening. Until then, wait.
nicki Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 I'm divorced and have dated divorced men. This is no big deal. The fact that you are SINGLE is what's important! Telling someone this falls under disclosure of your history. That's not something you go around talking to anyone about right away. So, now, after two dates is pefect...and will bring you closer together as you discover more about each other. Simply start talking about your past and mention your divorce. For instance, "I lived in Colorado for five years. I moved back here two years ago, after my divorce." Don't offer any apologies, just offer it as a fact. If your date picks up the ball and asks you about it, be truthful, be brief. It's part of your past. I'm sure you learned something from it. In my experience, no men minded at all that I was divorced. I think most women will simply be curious about what happened, want to be supportive if you need it, and will want to know how you frame the whole thing in your mind. Like you said, it was three years, not very long, and you are way over it. You understand so much more about what a good marriage takes now. So many people get divorced these days. It's very common. No one starts out a marriage with the idea that they will get divorced. Most people understand relationships are hard and sometimes don't work out, no matter how hard you try. Unless someone is off-the-scale super religious and/or judgmental (usually never married!), then it won't matter at all (and you wouldn't date those kinds of people anyway.) Good luck! I will guess that she will be just fine with it!
2sure Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 You are single with nearly everything that "single" implies on a dating site: no baggage. I think you know you should have brought up the fact that you are divorced by now. Since you ask how to now bring it up, lets get to that. Clearly, marriage is important to you. Or at least it appears to be - because you are a little uncomfortable with the fact that you failed and are now divorced. You didnt want her to make these assumptions about you. Explain it that way and she will not only get it, but probably forgive and admire you for the ommission. But dont wait any longer.
D-Lish Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 There's no shame in having been married before. I was married- never had children.... and few men have taken issue with this part of my past. Just tell her flat out on your next date. People rarely divulge their entrie past in the space of two dates... it's not like you are hiding anything monumental!! Trust me- if she has a problem with it, it's her loss. I doubt she would have an issue though. It's in the past. The only issue I would have is if I met a guy and found out after 3 dates he has kids. I am iffy about dating men with children, so I want to know that upfront. It's not a deal breaker- just a small issue I want to know more about. You're fine... don't act nervous about telling her- just say "I thought it might be time to tell you I was married before- there are no kids involved and it's a part of my past I don't revisit... If you have any questions about it, please feel free to ask me". It wouldn't turn me off at all. The only kind of woman it would turn off is one you wouldn't want to continue to date anyway.
Author flyingtim01 Posted November 14, 2008 Author Posted November 14, 2008 Thanks for the advice guys, I'm glad that the general consensus isn't that I've waited too long already and that it will seem like I was keeping it from her on purpose. Thanks for the help!
Brimstone_Angel Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 I would say just tell the truth. That you are divorced. Especially if you are looking to get married again. Be truthful, especially it was a mutual agreement or no fault divorce. I think most women can deal with that and many will probably see you as more ready for commitments than most single men. At least you took the big leap. Now if you were the villain in the divorce, i.e. abusive, a cheater, etc. I would suggest saying you are single. Not that you should lie, but you may want to back into this fact slowly, especially if you are working on yourself to improve over the man you once were.
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