rachelisa Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 Hello, Question first, and then my story (long): After you "break up" from the OP in an EA, have you changed your sexual relationship with your wife? Is this part of the withdrawal process? I am new here, but I have been reading the forum for several weeks. I have been married 17 years, two teenaged daughters. We have all been very close -- my husband has always referred to us as the "core four". Our marriage has had its usual ups and downs, but our sex life has always been super high...at the least, 5 times a week. He wanted sex all the time (and I loved him for it, too). But a couple of years ago, he went back to school to get his MBA. This started two years of a separate life for him. He was 40 (looks much younger), back in school with 25-year olds. He has always been charismatic and innocently flirtatous -- which is what attracted me to him to begin with. He is also sharp and hilarious, which has always attracted people to him. He has always had close friends, men and women, and I have never had any issue. We shared everything. He hid nothing. Until earlier this year. I started noticing a difference in his manner, his extended time at school, hiding his cell phone, and just had a funny feeling. In August, I started checking email and texts. I found several indications of at least one EA. It ended in April (one of the emails was about that), but I can tell that it was a strong one. As soon as I confronted him, he raced home, and was devasted that he had hurt me. He insists that nothing physical happened, and frankly, until I opened his eyes to what this truly was ( a HUGE betrayal), he didn't think he had done anything wrong because there was no physical contact (that's what he says, and I really want to believe him). But here's the thing: After I found out, we became closer and more emotionally intimate than we have EVER been. We attended worldwide marriage encounter, and that connection became fierce. But he **suddenly** doesn't want sex as much anymore. He does want a lot of hugging, kissing, snuggling...a lot of public and private real affection. But not sex. All during the time when I believe he was living a separate life, he always wanted sex with me. But now...hardly ever. He says it is stress; he is changing careers when he graduates, retiring from the military at the same time. He has a load of school work to do (he is actually on campus for classes and study groups), and he has a long commute each day to the office. I hear him, and I do understand that it's not always about me. But I constantly wonder... is it me? does he still love the OW and just isn't attracted to me? He insists that he thinks I am sexy and beautiful... but he suddenly (since the dd) isn't as sexual. I mean it has really done a 180. I know this is long, but I really need some answers here. It is always on my mind, and I know hounding him for answers will just make it worse. Thank you SOO much. I would love to hear stories about the process you went through. What was going on in your head after you broke it off with the OP and made a decision to work on your marriage? How long did it last?
whichwayisup Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 Have you and your husband had STD check up's? I really hope he didn't catch something and that is a reason why he's back off of sex. I also hope he isn't still lying to you about the OW. Are you sure it's over between them? Talk to him about how it makes you feel, him avoiding sex with you. It could be he still has sexual feelings for the OW and can't have sex with you. Or, maybe he feels so guilty he just can't do it. Either way, communicate with him and definately go to marriage counselling together. HE needs to do individual counselling as well (with the MC) so he can figure out WHY he allowed himself to be with another woman. This isn't about you, it's about HIM and what's missing from inside of him.
2sure Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 Well, I can say this from my own personal experience. Mind you, this is a part I normally choose not to dwell on. H and I are same age as you two. Husband sounds VERY much like yours and his EA(s) just like your H's. While he was having these EA's , or at least, very flirty conversations with OW(s)...our sex life increased in frequency. We have talked about it. We have both noticed that the more often we have sex, the more we want it. AND the more often we thinnk about sex the more we want it. He was honest, and said the flirty convos had him thinking more about sex...and so we had more sex. So, you are concerned also that you are having even less sex than you had before the EAs. His reasons are probably valid given your age, length of marriage, work/school schedule. If he had not had the A, you may not be questioning it so much. Maybe put the A aside (regarding your intimate life) , and move forward with whatever you might do/think if it had never happened.
SnowWhite924 Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 During the A, I tried to avoid having sex with my H because I was 'in love' with the OP. After I ended the A (it was emotional and physical), I wanted more sex and more physical contact with my H. I wanted the attention form my H that the OP wasn't giving me anymore, and I wanted to reconnect with my H and I thought being more physical with him would help with that. I hoped reconnecting with my H would steer me clear from the OP. More sex and more physical contact with my H is what I wanted and needed after the A. Hope this helps.
Author rachelisa Posted November 13, 2008 Author Posted November 13, 2008 Thank you all for your thoughts so far. Whichwayisup: He hasn't backed off completely, just enough to raise a flag with me. And we have talked about this so much that I fear it may be making it worse. I do know the amount of stress he is under, and I understand that men can have issues after a certain age... I wanted to ask the question here because I don't feel that any additional discussion with him on this would be helpful -- at least right now. 2Sure: Wow... I really never thought of it that way. You could be right; only that he has been, shall we say, uber-sexual, since we met -- even before the EA. I may not have noticed a backing off had there not been an EA, but I would have noticed this particular change and the degree. SnowWhite: Thanks for your story...I'm kind of with you...I would have expected him to be more physical now. It feels sort of backward to me. So, because I can't seem to get into his head on this, I thought I'd ask those of you who may be in this situation how your mind was working during this time.
Confoozed Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 It could be that he can't, or is afraid he can't, perform. I know that during my A, the stress and guilt I felt often led to trouble getting it up -- and not just with my wife, but with the OW as well. The A has ended -- in the sense that there's been no contact for over a month -- but I still have strong feelings for the OW. Some here will call it an addiction and what I'm feeling to be akin to withdrawls. Whatever. But because of those feelings, I still am hesitant to initiate sex with my wife for fear that I won't be able to follow through. I don't know if it's guilt over my feelings for the OW or for the A itself, or if I just find myself not as attracted to my wife because I'm too busy thinking about and, gasp, comparing her to the OW. It might also have to do with the fact that I'm still not completely decided about committing to my M. More likely, it's a combination of all three or more. Who knows? What I do know is it's not normal for me to not want sex. I'm in my early 40s and before the A, which started two years ago, I was as game for sex as a 17-year-old, anytime, anywhere. Hope this helps.
2sunny Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 my first intuition says that his emotional side is still obsessing about the OW. he shut off communication (maybe) but his brain is still with her. it's possible his guilt over his thoughts of her will not allow him to totally connect with you on any level at this time - emotionally or physically. to avoid talking through his thought processes is detrimental to both of you and your marriage. it would be wise to talk through it with a MC. do not pretend that this never happened! he is hurting too, and most likely feeling very guilty and needs to process with you out loud - so you can both reconnect and trust again. also, understand the power of the spoken word. she was triggering his horny side and he still brought those words to life by his actions with you (good sex). if the stimulation of her enticing words have been removed then he no longer needs the outlet physically with you. thus, not as much sex. he may also be suffering withdrawals from no contact with her (looks like depression). or an extreme scenario - he could be considering leaving you for her (sorry) and setting himself up to pull away when timing is right. can you spice things up by talking dirty to him throughout the day to tease him (by text or email)? make a few remarks in passing about is nice a$$ or find a few things to be playful and sexy with him. make him understand that you want him badly. start the healing process and see how much he actively participates.
Author rachelisa Posted November 14, 2008 Author Posted November 14, 2008 I have to believe he is committed; he was the one who pushed for the marriage encounter weekend (which blew us away). He calls me throughout the day just to tell me he loves me. He is super-attentive and is very touchy-feely whenever and wherever we are together (we always have been). We talk about everything -- even this. But he swears that he is so stressed with this change in his life. And leaving the military after 22 years is no small thing. It's a way of life and a huge part of his identity too. And we still have sex...just not as often as I would like. (2-3xweek) I used to be the one to get frustrated that all snuggling and hugging led to sex...ha!
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