Am I dumb or is my wife controlling?

[musicbymicah]

I married my wife primarily because I conceived with her our daughter.

 

I thought she was nice, but not extraordinary, but as christian, I didn't believe this was an important thing. I realize marriage won't be excitement every minute. I feel like I had a pretty realistic grasp on the concept.

 

I'm a musician and she considers herself a writer although nothing has ever left her macbook. A macbook we couldn't afford. Neither of us were ready or realistically prepared in anyway for a child. I knew on my income, which was okay for a single guy, was not enough for a wife and baby. Especially if she would be unable to work. She was ardent in her argument that I would not have to give up my career to raise a family.

 

So far, because of her three kids from her last marriage(which are here about 40% of the time), we moved into a rental house with four bedrooms because I require a small studio space and bought cable TV(which I hate) for their entertainment. Don't even get me started on a family of six going out to eat.

 

The bottom line is, we never could afford it and I knew we couldn't from the beginning. I told her that I couldn't justify renting a home beyond our means for kids that primarily live with their dad. Same thing with the cable. Why would I pay $50 for cable each month when it's hardly ever watched?

 

Her argument always becomes, "we have to have rooms/Disney/Nick for our kids" and that I don't care about her or the kids or anyone but myself.

 

I knew this ship was going down from the start and at this point I'm quitting my job as a guitar instructor and I'm starting a steady job. I'll still play when I can, but this is really killing my spirit.

 

She complains at the very least once a day about having to care for the baby. I didn't want the baby in the first place and neither did she. We had discussed very briefly abortion and adoption, but she insisted on having the child. Like I was saying, it usually comes down to her belief in what should happen. She gets INCREDIBLY bent out of shape if something happens outside her expectation.

 

I feel like in most every instance, I have ended up giving up my side of disagreement to make her happy. I've stopped talking to my friends and family. I hate playing the guitar. I hate my life. It seems I was required to give up several things to make her happy and it never gets better. She's never happy. And it's constantly about me doing or giving or working more.

 

I am so angry all the time. I keep thinking thing could get better. I'm about to take this job to start steadying out our rough income and she's complaining about how much she'll have to care for the baby. I'm losing my temper all the time. I'm so angry I have thoughts of hurting her. I wish I could have my daughter without her.

 

I didn't want any of this. And now my daughter is caught up in it.

[Mr. Lucky]

I knew this ship was going down from the start and at this point I'm quitting my job as a guitar instructor and I'm starting a steady job. I'll still play when I can, but this is really killing my spirit.

This may not be what you want to hear my friend but, in light of your choices, your priorities seem out of whack. I'm going to assume that no gun was held to your head when you slept with, had a child with and married a woman with three kids. In light of that, a musician's lifestyle and income may not be appropriate for the needs of your family, both bio and step. There is much in your post about "I want" and "I feel" when the truth is, it's no longer about you but now about your family. Based on what you've written, it seems that you have yet to come to that realization...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Geishawhelk]

I married my wife primarily because I conceived with her our daughter.

 

I thought she was nice, but not extraordinary, but as christian, I didn't believe this was an important thing. I realize marriage won't be excitement every minute. I feel like I had a pretty realistic grasp on the concept.

A more realistic grasp would have been to have not had sex (as a Christian, it's a questionable practice before marriage) or used protection.

And it's the worst reason in the world to marry someone. No, you didn't have a realistic grasp of the concept at all. You didn't think it through logically. You let your heart and emotions rule your head. Or else, you'd be happy, woudn't you?

 

I'm a musician and she considers herself a writer although nothing has ever left her macbook. A macbook we couldn't afford.

Coul;dn't afford a child either, but you still got one.

 

Neither of us were ready or realistically prepared in anyway for a child. I knew on my income, which was okay for a single guy, was not enough for a wife and baby. Especially if she would be unable to work. She was ardent in her argument that I would not have to give up my career to raise a family.

 

Parenthood sucks doesn't it? paricularly when you're not even in the right mind-set to be a parent.

 

 

She complains at the very least once a day about having to care for the baby. I didn't want the baby in the first place and neither did she.

 

You @$$hole.

This child is here through no fault of its own, and you are its parent. It's not an object, it's a person, a living human being that has been brought into this world by selfish, self-centred, irresponsible people.

Step up to the plate and love her with all your heart, mind and soul. She's your responsibility. Act like an adult, and know that Parenting is always - BUT ALWAYS - about putting your child first.

 

We had discussed very briefly abortion and adoption, but she insisted on having the child. Like I was saying, it usually comes down to her belief in what should happen. She gets INCREDIBLY bent out of shape if something happens outside her expectation.

 

Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. It's not about her, it's not about you.

It's about the baby.

 

I feel like in most every instance, I have ended up giving up my side of disagreement to make her happy. I've stopped talking to my friends and family. I hate playing the guitar. I hate my life. It seems I was required to give up several things to make her happy and it never gets better. She's never happy. And it's constantly about me doing or giving or working more.

Welcome to parenting. Brace yourself. You have another 18 years of this.

 

I am so angry all the time. I keep thinking thing could get better. I'm about to take this job to start steadying out our rough income and she's complaining about how much she'll have to care for the baby.

 

Ok, tell you what.

Suggest she finds a job, and you stay home and look after the baby.

Then, after an hour, when you're at your wits' end and you can't take any more, tell her you've changed your mind.

 

I'm losing my temper all the time. I'm so angry I have thoughts of hurting her. I wish I could have my daughter without her.

I didn't want any of this. And now my daughter is caught up in it.

 

I like you better and better every minute. I'd love to be your daughter, having murderous thoughts about my mother.

Boy, you really are a fine one.

[blair08]

I'm pretty speechless.

 

The only thing I know to say, and I think Geishwelk summed it up best.

 

I just have to say, I feel sorry for your wife and daughter. You sound like a complainer, about everything in your life, and place blame on just about everyone else for YOUR choices.

 

If things are so miserable for you, then get out.

[musicbymicah]

I wish you all could understand that when I'd slept with her, I was going through the hardest thing I'd ever experienced. It was a mistake. I'm a fallible human being. I wish I could take it all back. I didn't mean for all this too happen. I knew I was too selfish to have a family. I told her this. I tried to be upfront about all of it and I've given this whole thing a go.

 

I do want to care for my daughter and wife I just needed a little more time on what I was doing. I'm not just some hack rock musician. I work for other people playing music I don't like to support our family. I make decent money for a small family. It can as has been done. I just can't keep up with her demands. I have really tried at this. It's not just about what I want, because I know I'll never get it. It's about my attempt to live within our means and she wanted everything now.

 

Is that a crime? To build your life slowly and steadily?

 

I just want us to be completely united. I want us to make decisions together, but she always has a reason that hers is better and mine doesn't work. I submit and have submitted because I thought that's what loving another person is about. But we're hurting now when it could have been different.

[JackJack]

It seems your life didn't quite work out the way you had hoped. There is nothing wrong with wanting things a certain way. However, life doesn't always deal us the hand we want. So sometimes we have to go with what we are delt and try to make the best of it.

 

Maybe try changing your outlook on things. Instead of having thoughts of hurting your wife, how about thinking of ways to help your wife and your situation. That is of course based on if you do infact want things to truly work out. How about some marriage counseling for you both? Would that be an option you both would consider?

 

Have you told her how her demands are bothering you? If so, doesn't sound like she is listening. When she has told you what is bothering her, or how she is feeling, are you really listening to her? Or are you just thinking of how bad your life is? If you both want this to work, you're both going to have to do some work. If you don't or she doesn't, then its not going to work out.

[Geishawhelk]

....I wish I could take it all back. I didn't mean for all this too happen. I knew I was too selfish to have a family. I told her this. I tried to be upfront about all of it and I've given this whole thing a go.

If wishes were horses we'd be up to our chins in manure.

You can wish all you like. It won't change a thing.

And if you check this forum out, you'll see it's full of posts from people who have been 'through the hardest thing they've ever expereinced.' You're unique. Just like everyone else. Now instead of complaining, do something constructive. It's not what happens to us that matters. It's what we do with it.

 

 

I do want to care for my daughter and wife I just needed a little more time on what I was doing. I'm not just some hack rock musician. I work for other people playing music.

 

Then you're going to have to find something more lucrative.

 

I don't like to support our family. I make decent money for a small family.

I'm sorry, but that's just tough. You now have a choice. You made one already, and crupped up. Now make a better choice, and do what you know you have to do.

Yes, it will be a sacrifice.

But you brought it on yourself.

This is nobody's responsibility but yours.

Nobody held a gun to your head and made you have sex with her. Unprotected sex.

So actions will always bring about consequences.

Deal with them.

 

It can as has been done. I just can't keep up with her demands. I have really tried at this. It's not just about what I want, because I know I'll never get it. It's about my attempt to live within our means and she wanted everything now.

Living within your means is impossible, if you don't work to make your means bigger.

YOU HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER LINE OF WORK!!

Full stop, period, that's it!

 

Is that a crime? To build your life slowly and steadily?

No, not at all.

Providing it's just for you.

When other people come into the equasion, things change.

Oh, but - you know that now, huh?

 

I just want us to be completely united. I want us to make decisions together, but she always has a reason that hers is better and mine doesn't work.

Well....she's right, isn't she? What you're doing isn't working, is it? So if it's not working, what makes you right, and her wrong?

 

I submit and have submitted because I thought that's what loving another person is about. But we're hurting now when it could have been different.

 

Oh stop with the "coulda beens"!! it could have, but it's not, so give up looking at "might" and start looking at "is"!

[musicbymicah]

It seems your life didn't quite work out the way you had hoped. There is nothing wrong with wanting things a certain way. However, life doesn't always deal us the hand we want. So sometimes we have to go with what we are delt and try to make the best of it.

 

Maybe try changing your outlook on things. Instead of having thoughts of hurting your wife, how about thinking of ways to help your wife and your situation. That is of course based on if you do infact want things to truly work out. How about some marriage counseling for you both? Would that be an option you both would consider?

 

Have you told her how her demands are bothering you? If so, doesn't sound like she is listening. When she has told you what is bothering her, or how she is feeling, are you really listening to her? Or are you just thinking of how bad your life is? If you both want this to work, you're both going to have to do some work. If you don't or she doesn't, then its not going to work out.

 

I've been trying to get us into counseling but she won't do it. It's the only thing I can think of to do. She is constantly upset about anything and everything. Even if everything was right, it would still be wrong. She tries to micromanage me all the time. The other night I had a Pepsi at a friend's house and I went to have another. I knew when I walked into the room with the drink, she would make some kind of remark. She absolutely did. She said to me, "Do you not have your water?" Now listen, I RARELY drink soda. I think there's nothing wrong with having a second one. This is really a small example of a frequent issue. I'm constantly under a microscope.

 

 

I'm sorry, but that's just tough. You now have a choice. You made one already, and crupped up. Now make a better choice, and do what you know you have to do.

Yes, it will be a sacrifice.

But you brought it on yourself.

This is nobody's responsibility but yours.

Nobody held a gun to your head and made you have sex with her. Unprotected sex.

So actions will always bring about consequences.

Deal with them.

 

 

I'm fully aware of this mistake. I'm just bothered that when she recounts the scenario, I had "forced" her to do it without protection. She still thinks it was primarily my responsibility and that she tried to stop it. She was all for it. I know I should have done it differently. Why can't she accept that she was the other half of this mistake?

[Geishawhelk]

For the same reason you can't seem to accept your half.

[quankanne]

sounds like you're being forced to give up those things that make you who you are in order to please someone who refuses to be happy no matter what you do. I say it's time to put your foot down.

 

cancel the cable subscription, but keep the house – a roof over their heads is justified, a service you can live without isn't, IMO. If she has a problem with that, tell her to get off her butt and find a job to help support her family. Meanwhile do what you need to do to support YOUR little girl. Sacrifice is never fun, but you know what? If it means that you're able to make someone's life a bit better (am thinking of your baby here), then it's definitely worth it.

 

also get some help for yourself – counseling will give you the tools to deal with the situation in a more positive way. If she refuses to go to marriage counseling, well there's nothing you can really do about it, but at least you're doing something for yourself. At the very least, it'll help you work through these feelings of anger and frustration, which can be an unpleasant way to live life.

 

keep the faith, micah ...

[JackJack]

If you feel you're always under a microscope, and you have suggested counseling and she wont go, then not sure what else to tell you. It will NEVER work if either both of you don't work on yourselves, or if only one does and the other one doesn't.

 

You have to worry about fixing yourself, not her. She has has to try to fix herself, not you. I think its fixable, but only if you both want it to be and put forth the effort to try to make it work. How about some individual counseling for yourself? Once all things are tried and there is nothing else left to try, then your only option left might be for you end it.

[2sure]

Look, I am all about parental responsibility. I am usually downright rightious about it. But...ok, you made a mistake. This woman is not your soulmate or life partner. You are 100% completely responsible for THIS child and it sounds like although you may be without some skills required - you are a step up to the plate kind of guy.

 

You also do not sound like some "hack" musician, unwilling to give up your creativity to earn a living. You are an instructor and a studio musician? Certainly a viable way to earn a living.

 

Why does this woman not have primary custody of her other 3 children? This is unusual. If she has them only 40% of the time I assume she gets no child support for their expenses.

 

Renting a house or apartment that large is beyond her means. So, you are supposed to do it for her?? Why on earth is she not working???

 

Her other 3 children do not live with her full time. So, she doesnt have that responsibility. She doesnt work and is not inclined to - so she doesnt have that responsibility. She had three children and a broken home already - and clearly she feels getting pregnant again was not her responsibility.

 

She isnt a control freak. She is a mess. She has her hand out and gives nothing back.

 

Take care of your baby. She can't/won't. Get out. Rent an apartment large enough for you and the baby. Have the baby at least 50% of the time if not all. Arrange child care - you may have a fairly flexible schedule.

Move on with your life. It is hard to be creative and to earn a living at it. Most people give up. Dont.

[lamaman3]

Jesus man - grow a pair of balls.

 

You keep doing things and then complaining that you are doing them and its making you miserable. Of course shes going to want to do what she wants to do - and you do it because you are subservient to her - but then complain that you yourself are doing it?

 

Life is hard - as a man its your role to be a leader, but youve totally abdicated that leadership to her - and is it any wonder (but also a bit ironic), the more you give in to her the more frustrated she becomes. Hows the sex life? I think I know the answer to that one.

 

Start becoming a man. Its your money and she gets to decide how to spend it? If she wants cable to turn HER kids that she had with some other man (not even yours!) into brain dead TV zombies - tell her to find a way to pay for it or get their real dad to pay for it. Call the cable company and cut off service TODAY. If she asks you why youre drinking another soda - walk up to her real slowly, give her some burning eye contact, and say very slowly with a calm but determined voice - "Because I want to." Then spank her, throw her up against the wall, and make passionate love to her. Or better yet - divorce her, get joint custody of your baby, let her find some other guy to serve as an ATM machine for her kids - and enjoy your short time here on earth doing what you love to do.

 

Go read a romance novel that are so popular with women like your wife. The hero is always some guy who sweeps a woman off her feet with his leadership - never some guy who gives up his dream, becomes a testicleless "yes dear" husband whose only function is an ATM machine for another man's kids, and lives miserably ever after.

[lamaman3]

I'm sorry, but that's just tough. You now have a choice. You made one already, and crupped up. Now make a better choice, and do what you know you have to do.

Yes, it will be a sacrifice.

But you brought it on yourself.

This is nobody's responsibility but yours.

Nobody held a gun to your head and made you have sex with her. Unprotected sex.

So actions will always bring about consequences.

Deal with them.

 

 

Living within your means is impossible, if you don't work to make your means bigger.

YOU HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER LINE OF WORK!!

Full stop, period, that's it!

 

Geisha - the thing that you dont seem to get - is that he wants to take care of his wife and baby - emphasis on HIS baby. What is really killing their finances is that his wife is USING HIM and DESTROYING HIS LIFE to finance a lifestyle for kids that are not HIS. She not only requires useless luxuries like cable TV so HER KIDS (his daughter is just a baby) can watch cartoons - even though they arent even in the house 60% of the time - but requires a seperate bedroom for each of her 3 kids - again - who arent even in the house 60% of the time. He could easily do with a one bedroom or even large studio apartment, care for his wife and baby, and continue with HIS chosen career and passion. Instead he is giving that all up to rent a useless 4 bedroom home so HER kids from ANOTHER MAN can be extra comfortable during the 40% of the time when they are actually in that house. The problem isnt that he is a dead beat dad - the problem is that he dosent have enough balls to REFUSE to support ANOTHER dead-beat dads kids. If their real father wants them to have cable and each have their own room - he can sure pony up the cash. Otherwise his responsibility is to his daughter, and her alone.

 

Sorry OP - women's first priorities will always be their children - whether or not you are or are not their father - you are just a means to an end for her.

[Geishawhelk]

And what nobody seems to get is that if he didn't put his pecker where he shoulda not put his pecker - none of this would be happening.

Actions - consequences.

 

It's really very simple.

 

Leave.

Divorce.

Provide Child support.

 

next.........?

[lamaman3]

And what nobody seems to get is that if he didn't put his pecker where he shoulda not put his pecker - none of this would be happening.

Actions - consequences.

 

It's really very simple.

 

Leave.

Divorce.

Provide Child support.

 

next.........?

 

Nope it has nothing to do with his pecker. His pecker caused him to bring a daughter into this world. His problem is not with the daughter - his problem is with her conniving mother who is unfairly using him to pay for her kids that she had with another man- And women like you who instead of telling him to divorce his conniving wife who is USING him and DESTROYING him - imbue him with a sense of miplaced guilt that blaces the blame for his miserable situation on him. I agree - it is his fault, but not because hes a bad person -- its actually because he is too nice, trusting, naive about love and accomodating - and on top of giving up his dream so his complaining wife can spoil her previous kids that arent even his, he now has to be berated by people like you. The leave, divorce, child support should have been your first piece of advice - not telling him that its his moral responsibility to give in to his manipulative wife's blackmail.

[jwi71]

Geisha - the thing that you dont seem to get - is that he wants to take care of his wife and baby - emphasis on HIS baby. What is really killing their finances is that his wife is USING HIM and DESTROYING HIS LIFE to finance a lifestyle for kids that are not HIS. She not only requires useless luxuries like cable TV so HER KIDS (his daughter is just a baby) can watch cartoons - even though they arent even in the house 60% of the time - but requires a seperate bedroom for each of her 3 kids - again - who arent even in the house 60% of the time. He could easily do with a one bedroom or even large studio apartment, care for his wife and baby, and continue with HIS chosen career and passion. Instead he is giving that all up to rent a useless 4 bedroom home so HER kids from ANOTHER MAN can be extra comfortable during the 40% of the time when they are actually in that house. The problem isnt that he is a dead beat dad - the problem is that he dosent have enough balls to REFUSE to support ANOTHER dead-beat dads kids. If their real father wants them to have cable and each have their own room - he can sure pony up the cash. Otherwise his responsibility is to his daughter, and her alone.

 

Sorry OP - women's first priorities will always be their children - whether or not you are or are not their father - you are just a means to an end for her.

 

Oh please. Like he didn't know she had three other kids. Like he didn't know that by marrying her, he was assuming responsibility for her three other kids.

 

Look, the OP rented the house. No one forced him. He choose it. He rented it. He knew it going in and did it anyway. This is his pattern.

 

He makes a great many shortsighted and immature decisions. And then whines about the consequences.

 

Can't afford child (didn't even want) = has unprotected sex.

Can't afford Macbook = Buys it anyway

Can't afford to raise four kids and wife = Marries her anyway

Can't afford house = Rents it regardless.

 

I see a fairly distinct pattern of really bad, immature choices. No one to blame for himself. HE needs to man up alright - and stop whining like my 5 year old. HE put himself in this mess and only he can get out.

 

Like Geisha said actions - consequences.

 

Question to OP- What are you gonna do to change the mess you made?

[lamaman3]

Oh please. Like he didn't know she had three other kids. Like he didn't know that by marrying her, he was assuming responsibility for her three other kids.

 

Look, the OP rented the house. No one forced him. He choose it. He rented it. He knew it going in and did it anyway. This is his pattern.

 

He makes a great many shortsighted and immature decisions. And then whines about the consequences.

 

Can't afford child (didn't even want) = has unprotected sex.

Can't afford Macbook = Buys it anyway

Can't afford to raise four kids and wife = Marries her anyway

Can't afford house = Rents it regardless.

 

I see a fairly distinct pattern of really bad, immature choices. No one to blame for himself. HE needs to man up alright - and stop whining like my 5 year old. HE put himself in this mess and only he can get out.

 

Like Geisha said actions - consequences.

 

Question to OP- What are you gonna do to change the mess you made?

 

Exactly - it is his fault - but the solution is not to keep giving in and accept his poor choices as Geisha tells him to do. Heres some advice for him:

 

Can't afford Macbook = Returns it to the store (He has to give up his career dreams but she dosent??)

Can't afford to raise four kids and wife = Divorce the b*tch

Can't afford house = move out and rent apartment with room for him and daughter

[Geishawhelk]

Nowhere have I told him to accept his poor choices.

I have told him that he made his choices now he's stuck with the consequences. I made it quite clear that instead of harping on and complaining, he should step up to the plate and take responsibility.

 

Can't afford Macbook = Returns it to the store (He has to give up his career dreams but she dosent??)

 

Store probably won't take it back now it's been used that much. Resale value worthless.

Stuck with it.

get over it and move on.

 

Can't afford to raise four kids and wife = Divorce the b*tch

 

Oh, we can see whose side you're on. I don't think thsat kind of language is necessary.

 

Can't afford house = move out and rent apartment with room for him and daughter

Needs official custody of daughter before he can do that.

Whose name is the house in anyway?

If his name is on the lease, he'll need to break his contract.

 

Another one who thinks things through!

[lamaman3]

Nowhere have I told him to accept his poor choices.

I have told him that he made his choices now he's stuck with the consequences. I made it quite clear that instead of harping on and complaining, he should step up to the plate and take responsibility.

-

 

nope - you told him that instead of stepping up to the plate and make his life better - he has no choice but to give in to his manipulative wifes demand. Ironically - its women like you who wouldve pushed him to make the bad choices all along the way - "You dont want to marry her, touch you got her pregnant...You dont want to rent a big house and cable TV for her kids, tough you married her..." Your advice of dropping his passion so he can spoil another mans kids was not stepping up to the plate - it was just a continuation of a long string of bad decisions caused by him not having the balls to say no and do whats right for him. My advice on the other hand was that he for once needs to take responsibility for his desires instead of simply giving in to his wifes all the time.

 

Store probably won't take it back now it's been used that much. Resale value worthless.

Stuck with it.

get over it and move on.

 

Oh dont worry Geisha - Im sure many on ebay would pay a good price for a nice Macbook. And if his wife dosent like it - well tough! she shouldve thought of that before she had unprotected sex now shouldnt she?

Actions-Consequences right?

 

 

Needs official custody of daughter before he can do that.

 

Excuse me? He needs custody of his daughter before he can make sure to have a room in his new apartment reserved for her? Funny, he didnt need custody of his wifes 3 kids with another man before he payed for a room for each and every one of them.

 

Whose name is the house in anyway?

If his name is on the lease, he'll need to break his contract.

Another one who thinks things through!

 

Yes hes renting the house - if its on his name he may have to pay a penalty - but if he can find someone to take over his lease, im sure the cost of the penalty of losing a security deposit or 1 month rent is far outweighed by the savings of not having to rent a 4 bedroom house for the rest of their lease when they would be fine with a 1 bedroom apartment.

Another one who thinks things through!

[Mr. Lucky]

So far, because of her three kids from her last marriage(which are here about 40% of the time), we moved into a rental house with four bedrooms because I require a small studio space and bought cable TV(which I hate) for their entertainment. Don't even get me started on a family of six going out to eat.

 

The bottom line is, we never could afford it and I knew we couldn't from the beginning. I told her that I couldn't justify renting a home beyond our means for kids that primarily live with their dad. Same thing with the cable. Why would I pay $50 for cable each month when it's hardly ever watched?

I'll wager that the OP wouldn't hesitate to spend $50 on strings or other items for his guitar, amp, mics or console.

 

This isn't about choices as they've already been made, water under the bridge. This is about manning up and facing your responsibilities on a daily basis. Time to quit whining and start doing what's necessary for your family - not just you but everybody - to prosper.

 

And that might even include taking all 6 of them out to eat once in a while ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lamaman3]

I'll wager that the OP wouldn't hesitate to spend $50 on strings or other items for his guitar, amp, mics or console.

 

This isn't about choices as they've already been made, water under the bridge. This is about manning up and facing your responsibilities on a daily basis. Time to quit whining and start doing what's necessary for your family - not just you but everybody - to prosper.

 

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Money that HE makes, HE should spend it however he likes including guitar, amp, mics etc. He has a financial responsibility to his daughter, and his wife so she can take care of the baby without having to work. He does not have responsibility for kids that are not his. His wifes ex husband would laugh in his face if he demanded that the guy pay for HIS daughter - so why should he be paying for the other guys kids to have cable when they dont even live with him? HIS MONEY, HIS decision to spend money on guitars and amps that wuold otherwise go to cable TV.

[Mr. Lucky]

He does not have responsibility for kids that are not his.

Yes you do and it's a responsibility that you accept when you marry someone with kids. Any other attitude will lead to a house divided, something the OP is learning. My son was 8 when I remarried and I had joint custody so he spent half-time with us. How would I feel if my wife said "I made us dinner but nothing for your son since he's not mine"? Her attitude was that if he was mine, upon marriage that made him hers also. When we had our own kids, she treated him no differently and, 22 years later, they are as close as can be.

 

Again, the OP went into every part of this with eyes open and pants unzipped. Time for him to grow up...

 

Mr. Lucky

[carhill]

Am I dumb or is my wife controlling?

 

You're both learning

 

Tell me, what is the absolute worst thing that could happen if you asserted your boundaries here? Re-read your OP. They're there. I'll tell you what, in case you're unsure. Your W will be mad at you. Yes. That's it. Welcome to mature married life The journey for her is the path from anger to respect to admiration. If that path doesn't interest her, then, with any MC you deem appropriate being ineffective, D.

 

Remain calm. Trust me, I know how hard that is

 

You've made some choices. Each day you make new ones. What choices do you want to make tomorrow?

[Walk]

I'm fully aware of this mistake. I'm just bothered that when she recounts the scenario, I had "forced" her to do it without protection. She still thinks it was primarily my responsibility and that she tried to stop it. She was all for it. I know I should have done it differently. Why can't she accept that she was the other half of this mistake?

 

I think you're justified in some of your complaints about your wife. However, I believe it would be helpful to the both of you if you shifted your concept of why she's being the way she is. It's hard raising a kid, and it doesn't sound like your wife was any more prepared then you were for your daughter. It sounds like she's frustrated by being the primary care giver, and that she doesn't feel she's getting the emotional or physical support she wants from you. It's not that you aren't willing to give that, but sounds as if the two of you aren't talking about what each of you needs and how to best to get it.

 

What I'm saying is... your wife may be feeling that she got stuck with 99% of the child rearing, so she feels overburdened, taken for granted, unappreciated. So she lashes out at you. Then you fight back because your wife's anger seems so out of proportion to whatever little issue it is she brought up.. (ie. a soda at a friends house). However, fighting back with her reinforces the you vs her mentality... she still isn't getting whatever base need she had taken care of, and now your distant and angry with her. So both of you start getting more selfish. The further away the two of you get from being able to ask for what you need and getting it, the more selfish each of you will get... taking what you want what ever way you can get it and only caving on issues that are insurmountable (ie. getting regular employment to keep the roof over your heads).

 

If you can't get her to counseling, then read up on how to make arguments or discussions more effective with your wife. Learn the basic tools to communicate in the most productive way. When your wife stops talking with you, and begins talking at you, then put those tools to use and reshape the path of the argument toward a common goal (health and wellbeing of the family). You're a part of the family, so what you need is as important as what others need. Don't discount yourself.

 

It's not that either of you are bad people. But the way in which your communicating your desires and needs to each other is hostile and self-defeating. If what you're doing isn't working, then change what you're doing. And realize that by taking measures to change how you and your wife communicate that you're doing this for the betterment of both you and your wife, and also your child. She will learn how to handle life from you and your wife. So don't back down when your fighting to change how the two of you argue or disagree. Your methods right now aren't working, and you don't have the tools to fix it right now. Do your research and learn the tools.

 

Youre acting the victim right now. Take control in a positive way. Teach your wife how you expect the two of you to behave.