Sumnersgal Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 I'm new to the forum and, unfortunately, a member of the BS club. I caught my husband cheating on me on August 15 of this year. My H and the OW were counselors at a church camp that they attend once a year. For some reason, this year, after camp ended, the two of them began a heated flirtation via text and email. It took them three weeks to schedule a time and place to meet. That was on August 15. I caught him because something in the back of my mind told me something was going on with him. I found emails that were between the two of them outlining their plan for that Friday night. I didn't catch him in time. They had already been intimate by the time he got my voice mail but he immediately came home. In his words to me, he told her he had to "save his marriage". He even told a friend of ours that he left the OW in the hotel room "bawling". I have kept the emails I have found, the email she has sent me and some subsequent emails she and I exchanged when I found out he contacted her again (for closure). I also have copies of the phone bill for the entire time they were in contact with each other. Over three weeks they talked 700+ hours on the phone and exchanged 2,200 texts. I have, what I suspect to be, the room key and some other items linking him to this awful time in my life. Am I crazy to keep this stuff? He doesn't know I have it. It's at my office. I feel like this is my reminder not to let my guard down again. We have been to counseling and are trying to repair our marriage. We are even planning on renewing our wedding vows on our anniversary in a few weeks. What do you think?
DealingWDrama Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 If the affair is for 100% over and you are truly attempting to renew your marriage...burn the stuff. BUT be sure that the affair is completely over first. Be careful to not foregive too soon...but don't let this make you completely bitter and not be able to rebuild if that is what you want to do. I got rid of everything I collected from my H's affair when he first came home - then I found out the affair wasn't over...so be sure you are ready to forgive - read The five languages of apology....the five love languages...when good men do bad things...surviving an affair...ect. Be sure to continue giving yourself what you need.
Geishawhelk Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 I'm with bentnotbroken. But in all honesty - in all candour, and in the spirit of openness - I would mention you have all of this, in your next MC session. If you expect total honesty and candour from your H., that is. You can't expect that from him if you now refuse to give it yourself. Just my two cents.
2sure Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 For the moment , keep all you have. Just for now. There are certain stages you will go through during your marriages recovery from this affair. I believe there are also certain steps that must be taken to affair proof your marriage while you are on the road to recovery. Rushing to forgive and forget isnt a bad thing maybe - But until YOU have completely come to terms with all of your feelings, with MC, and made changes/repairs...I would hold off ont e vow renewal. Not that it isnt a great idea, but this is so soon - you could be setting yourself up for heartbreak. If you do this too soon, it will seem as if your marriage has been broken twice.
whichwayisup Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 Don't renew those vows yet..stick with counselling, see how things go. Be 100% sure the A is over and he isn't still contacting her.
jmargel Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 Even if he talked for 24 hours a day for 3 weeks straight, that's only 504 hours. I think you either mistyped or exaggrated that fact. With affairs, there isn't just 'one talk', you will have 'triggers' that bring back these memories. Over time it does fade but you never forget. The trust takes a very, very long time and often it's still never 100%. It's imparitive that you stay in counseling to figure out why this happened and be patient with it, it could take quite awhile to get to the root causes of why he did this. Look up the five stages of grief, something you will go through. And though there was no excuse for his cheating, look at yourself and do some soul-searching on how you treated him during your marriage.
Author Sumnersgal Posted November 14, 2008 Author Posted November 14, 2008 Thank you all for your advice. It's really comforting to know that people like me are out there - confused, hurt and trying to get your life back! I did not mean 700+ hours but minutes! It might as well have been 700 hours! I believe the A is over. I have scared the OW enough that she should never want to even hear my H's name again! I'm not really worried about him getting back with her but I do worry that he'll find someone else. He blamed the affair over his being mad at me for having my tubes tied three years ago. I'm not naive enough to think he could use that excuse again. I know I'm not to blame - but I have read some books that have helped open my eyes to the fact that I haven't been doing my all for this relationship. I'm trying my best to fix that. You're right that the trust is slow to come back. Ashamedly, I"m monitoring the sh*t out of him now. He doesn't know that I'm doing it but I imagine it will be happening for quite some time. I just can't take a shock like this again. I think I have decided to hold off on renewing our vows. I wanted to do it because I wanted him to be held accountable immediately. However, he broke them once - he could break them again and it would be devastating. Thanks again for listening to me! I wish I would've found this forum sooner. I would've saved some tears I'm sure!
RecordProducer Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Am I crazy to keep this stuff? He doesn't know I have it. It's at my office. I feel like this is my reminder not to let my guard down again. We have been to counseling and are trying to repair our marriage. We are even planning on renewing our wedding vows on our anniversary in a few weeks. I am sorry you're going through this. I read somewhere recently that we always try to rationalize our feelings, to give them logical sense or a moral explanation. However, we can't change our feelings through rationalization. It means, no matter what people tell you, you feel the way you feel. You're hurt, you obviously haven't forgiven him, yet you wish to work on the marriage. Even this last sentence translates your feelings into "English." There is no English. There are only pure feelings. When you first fond out about the affair, you felt pain; you didn't tell yourself "this is wrong, I feel hurt, he is a bad guy." You might even blame yourself and say "I deserved it, I denied him sex, I was a bad wife." Your feelings will remain the same in either case. As of yesterday, I am trying a new strategy with dealing with my feelings: I just let myself feel, just like you would feel water on your skin - without trying to explain to yourself how the water makes you feel. Then listen to your sixth sense and do whatever it tells you.
2sure Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Don't feel ashamed that you are monitoring him. I call it being the "marriage police", and it IS a crappy job. But you have been forced into the position in that you want to save your marriage. Let me tell you what I know. The first time my husband cheated - I did nothing really. Drama, fights, apologies, etc. We moved on. The second time, I contacted OW, we did MC, and I began monitoring his cell, email etc. Many posters here will tell you that unless the WS has consequences that affect them directly (more than you) the behavior will repeat. Well, I found out its true. You are doing everything right the first time!! Except one thing. He should know and be comfortable with the fact that he has to be monitored. It is OK for him to know that you dont trust him. You cant, not yet. Not in your heart. Thats not your fault. As time has passed, I hardly ever check on my H anymore - but I CAN. If I have a question, he answers it, no questions asked. If Im not comfortable with someone, I tell him. He doesnt spend time reassuring me, he drops them. My insecurity with our marriage was brought on, I didnt come with it. So, as time passes and the trust is being rebuilt - we are on more solid ground than ever. And I think I will come to trust him 100%. Eventually.
jwi71 Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 You're right that the trust is slow to come back. Ashamedly, I"m monitoring the sh*t out of him now. He doesn't know that I'm doing it but I imagine it will be happening for quite some time. I just can't take a shock like this again. No, no, no. You have it backwards. You are now a prisoner of him. Prisoner of fear. STOP. He must prove worthy to return to you. You shouldn't be working to corral him, other way around. Here's what my W (she cheated on me) does. She does not object. She canceled her cell phone. She gave me her email password. She only sends emails when I am around. We installed a keylogger on our home PC. I have the password and she does not so I can view every keystroke at will. She cannot chat (send or receive) unless she first asks or alerts me. If she goes out, she must call me on her friends cell if she is running late. I ask questions and she answers. No evasions, no lies. Truth, however painful, is far batter than more lies. You have nothing to hide. You have nothing to prove. He does.
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