Would You Tolerate This?!?!?!?!

[hollywood3453]

I'm dating a man that have been seperated from his wife for (3) years, (4) kids with her and another child in college with another woman....... go figure!!!!!!!!!! He practically lives with me but does have his own place that I frequent at times and have keys to.

 

The touchy thing is everytime I mention his wife and kids he gets on the offensive side. We've been dating for (6) months now here's Thanksgiving and he just told me he normally eats dinner at the wife house with the kids!!!!!!!! What?????????

 

The youngest is 11 and I feel if it's been 3 years like he's said they all know daddy not coming back!

 

Now he's mad at me again because I can't seem to understand that he needs to talk it over with his kids. I feel he should tell his kids he wants them to eat dinner with him and I and if they don't want to then that's okay but come on that's just too Brady Bunch for me.

 

Next he's gonna tell me that he spends the night over there for xmas so his kids can wake up and see him there.

 

How much and I'm suppose to deal with. Remind you I have never met the kids but he has met my son.

 

I drive his other car, I've met his family, he spends practically every night with me, he live an hour away from me and his job is closer to my house, so he's mentioned us getting a bigger house so he can have his kids.

 

The problem he says that's taking so long is that he's letting her write up the papers and come to an understanding so child support won't get involved because he makes goooooooooood money and he says if theirs a child support order it will only hurt the kids.

 

What should I do? Is he just holding on or is he letting her call too many shots. Either way she's gonna get what she wants.

[PrincessPeach]

The last three paragraphs confused me a bit. I thought you hadn't met his kids? I don't really know exactly what's going on with the papers situation as it is very vague. But for the previous parts of the post...

 

I don't think it's unreasonable for him to think he needs to spend a holiday with his kids, especially since those holidays are very much about family. Having his kids come over to him on Thanksgiving would mean that the mother doesn't get them (another family thing). Since the mother seems to have custody, I doubt she'd just let the kids go for a holiday that is probably also very important to her.

 

It also could be a big deal for the kids who probably don't get to see their father so often. They might know he isn't coming back, but they can still count on him to show up for things like Thanksgiving or Christmas. If he didn't show up for those they might be disappointed.

 

As for the paperwork filling out... they are divorced and if they did it together they would probably just get into fights over it. Would you wanting him spending more time with his ex-wife anyway?

 

And for not meeting his family, maybe he is just not ready to introduce you yet. You've been dating for less than a year and as someone's daughter it's weird meeting your dad's girlfriend, especially if you two haven't been together for a decent amount of time already.

 

Let him know that you do eventually want to meet his family. Ask him if he plans to introduce you to them at some point, but don't force it upon him immediately. It might not be a step he is ready for or comfortable with just yet and may need some more time to build up to it.

[hollywood3453]

I've met his mother and brothers and sisters not his kids. WHich is okay I do agree when he's ready he will introduce me but don't play house with me.

 

3 Years is a long time to be seperated that's my point! Dictating is not what I'm trying to do it's just the inconsistencies with the story that he tells me and when I questioned it it's a problem.

 

So, do I go on and for how much longer. He's talking about remarrying and everything.

 

My feelings are involved!

[Mary3]

He is making ALOT of money so THAT is his concern regarding child support .

Lots of Money = Lots of Child Support Paid

 

He does not want to part with $ 1,000 a month or more for CS.

 

So he sleeps at your house because its closer to his work. Saves him gas.

 

He tells you * child support will hurt my kids * NO ! Child Support will hurt his wallet ~!

 

He wants to spend his time with his kids, they are his priority,..

 

You are just the house and if he can stall you enough , less he pays in CS. If he can BS his way with his seperated wife and with you , then he has easy street ahead.

 

He will make NO big decisions. Except those that benefit himself.

 

I would keep looking for a better guy.

[Agent_99]

Hollywood~

 

I have ot make this short as I'm running late. I have a great brady bunch story for you. My exhubby and I are still friends. When I go to visit my son, I stay the night. I am also the one who introduced him to his gf, whom they now have plans to marry. He came to my brothers wedding this summer. When I have a serious relationship we have talked about family vacations together and such.

 

Despite the fact that I don't love him romantically, he is family.

 

Maybe he is isn't strong wnough to stand up and tell you that despite their seperation he cares, just dosn't love her and so he focuses it all on the kids.

 

I will get back to this thread later and try to clarify what I am saying

 

~99

[BoerumHill]

I'm dating a man that have been seperated from his wife for (3) years

 

Just to be clear...you are dating a married man who has yet to file for and/or finalize his divorce? In Ohio you can end a marriage that way or by a dissolution (the latter is a no fault method when there is mutual agreement about ending the marriage).

 

Did they file for a legal separation?

 

(why do I get the feeling you're going to say no or IDK)

 

The problem he says that's taking so long is that he's letting her write up the papers and come to an understanding so child support won't get involved because he makes goooooooooood money and he says if theirs a child support order it will only hurt the kids.

 

I'm sorry, now you have completely lost me. Child support isn't optional.

 

How is child support determined?

Ohio law requires that the amount of child support be calculated under child support guidelines. The law sets basic support schedules that must be used to determine the proper amount of child support, based on the number of children and the combined gross income of the parents, as well as other factors and/or credits. The support schedules are based on the average cost of raising children in households across a wide range of incomes.

 

To determine the appropriate amount of child support, the court calculates each parent's gross income. The gross incomes are combined and the total is used to locate the proper amount on the basic support chart. Any spousal support paid is added to the income of the recipient and deducted from the income of the payor to arrive at gross income. Costs of medical insurance and necessary child care are factored in, and the resulting child support obligation is divided according to the percentages of each party's income to their total combined annual income.

 

The amount of child support determined by these calculations is presumed appropriate. The court has discretion, in certain circumstances, to deviate from the basic support tables where applying basic support would be inequitable. The court also will issue orders for the children's medical needs, including insurance. Child support must be paid to the designated support enforcement agency, which usually orders the employer to deduct that amount from wages.

 

I'll wait for you to post your response, but my gut reaction is you are a very naive person.

[PrincessPeach]

3 Years is a long time to be seperated that's my point! Dictating is not what I'm trying to do it's just the inconsistencies with the story that he tells me and when I questioned it it's a problem.

Inconsistencies are definately a concern. I would also be concerned about the fact he has been married twice before, and both time long or serious enough to have kids, but then still end it. How serious is he to a committment? What is it you are looking for out of your relationship with him? If I were you I would be careful of this man as he may not be what you want him to be and he could put you behind him just as he did to his wives.

 

So, do I go on and for how much longer. He's talking about remarrying and everything.

 

My feelings are involved!

This is a big concern! Why would he be talking about something like that yet still be with you?! I certainly don't think I would tolerate something like that! If he is thinking of getting remarried, then he shouldn't be leading you on.

 

These are much larger concerns than what I gathered from your original post. Watch out for yourself and make sure he isn't just using you for as long as it is a benefit to him.

[hollywood3453]

I'm not making any excuse but let me clear up a few things. OKay, he's talking about marrying me. He asys that he wants the papers to be finalized before the end of the year. I've been in his ear regardless if he understands or not but child support will be inforced!

 

I have no problem being cordial with his exwife whenever that may happen but it's like he's holding on. To what though. I'm not naive it's just that I give everyone the bebfit of the doubt and giving the situation he's making feel all these emotions but telling me that he's eating dinner with his wife and kids is a bit much to swallow

 

So my response was what if my sons father ate Thankgiving dinner at my house he then replies by saying we aren't married and he wouldn't like that.

[hollywood3453]

Tonight is the night that I told him that we need to talk. I don't want to be like the other people I've read, that has been with a married man thats seperated for years and he's never divorced.

 

Also, they aren't legally seperated.

[Agent_99]

Hollywood~

 

I have ot make this short as I'm running late. I have a great brady bunch story for you. My exhubby and I are still friends. When I go to visit my son, I stay the night. I am also the one who introduced him to his gf, whom they now have plans to marry. He came to my brothers wedding this summer. When I have a serious relationship we have talked about family vacations together and such.

 

Despite the fact that I don't love him romantically, he is family.

 

Maybe he is isn't strong wnough to stand up and tell you that despite their seperation he cares, just dosn't love her and so he focuses it all on the kids.

 

I will get back to this thread later and try to clarify what I am saying

 

~99

 

Wow so that is really jumbled. Sorry about that.

 

It is possible his feelings for you aren't as engaged as your are for him.

 

It is also possible that he truly does have such a deep sense of loyalty to his kids. I don't know about in Ohio, but where I live there is mandatory child support and yet, my ex just doesn't report that i don't pay it. We have agreed that I help with certain expenses throughout the year instead. It works better for both of us, because of my bonuses at work. So that is something for consideration.

 

Although I am completly open about all of this to the woman I am dating now about how my life works.

 

And although there is talk of marriage, has he actually proposed to you?

 

My ex and I didn't rush our divorce for financial reasons until he was ready to make a commitment to someone else. We both knew that we didnt' stay 'married' for anything other than those reasons. We also didn't bother with the expense of a legal seperation.

 

I guess the question is, when you put your emotions aside, what does your intuition tell you about this guy?

 

I hope that this helps you in some way.

 

~99

[hollywood3453]

That really helped and thanks but yeah sitting my feelings to the side I know he's a good catch. Should I probe though for more information or let it alone.

 

I want to tell him something that will stick with him tonight when he gets off of work.

 

I don't know the laws neither but from what he's saying that's what he's trying to do because he's a good father I can say that.

 

But I'm tired of him feeding me the BS and when this topic comes up it's a big blow out.

 

I need questions to ask him or the right way to tell him. Because I really want to tell him since you not quite sure what's going on or you're just not telling me then I will be there for you but not exclusive because I'm not going to sit around and give 100% to him when he lawfully belongs to someone else. I'm going to start seeing other people until you decide what direction you want our relationship to go!

 

How's that?

[carhill]

Why is he a "good catch"?

 

You've been dating a guy who's merely supposedly physically separated from his W for about six months. Red flags abound and the fishy smell I'm getting isn't from "catch" of the day

 

I'd let him enjoy a silence sandwich for this holiday season, as he seems full of family joy, and look at my options, like a single guy perhaps

 

Dollars to donuts he's sleeping with his W

[Mary3]

Why is he a "good catch"?

 

You've been dating a guy who's merely supposedly physically separated from his W for about six months. Red flags abound and the fishy smell I'm getting isn't from "catch" of the day

 

I'd let him enjoy a silence sandwich for this holiday season, as he seems full of family joy, and look at my options, like a single guy perhaps

 

Dollars to donuts he's sleeping with his W

 

Good Call Carhill !

[BoerumHill]

I need questions to ask him or the right way to tell him. Because I really want to tell him since you not quite sure what's going on or you're just not telling me then I will be there for you but not exclusive because I'm not going to sit around and give 100% to him when he lawfully belongs to someone else. I'm going to start seeing other people until you decide what direction you want our relationship to go!

 

How's that?

 

That sounds like an ultimatum. I'm all for it, but be prepared for any response.

 

Regarding the 3 years & not divorced yet...I'm sure financial considerations were one factor - but that's not why he never moved on.

 

Anyway, good luck and keep us posted on how it goes.

 

As for the whole original question about Thanksgiving before this thread ventured off into a couple different tangents...I can understand why he wants to maintain that tradition for this year. You are not part of the kids lives at all right now - you're just the woman who is sleeping with their Dad. Seriously, follow his lead on when they are ready.

 

Honestly, though, where you spend the holidays is the least of your problems. I wish you well.

[InLimbo2]

Ok, I actually have some experience with this...

 

My ex and I were separated for 3 full years before one of us filed for divorce. Why? We weren't still emotionally attached or in love, was purely a financial one. I was a stay at home mom when we split - I didn't return to work until youngest was in 1st grade. It actually worked out money wise for him. He could keep me on his insurance rather than pay for it in settlement. We had 50/50 custody, but I was home, so on 'his weeks' I was his 'daycare' -he'd drop them to me in the morning and pick them up after work. He didn't have to worry about daycare being closed, or not takin the kid when they were sick, or if it was a snow day, taking off for doctor or dentist appointments, etc etc.

 

As for the child support - he's tellin a fib or something. Child support guidelines tell the minimum that can be awarded - if the judge accepts or orders less than that amount, they usually have to justify it and explain why it's in the best interests of the kid. A parent can always pay more than required by guideline. So his claim that going through CS Enforcement hurts his kids - that's bull.

 

It's highly possible that he has always had holiday dinners there - if neither parent was seriously involved with others - my ex and I used to do everything in the best interests of the kids. He wouldn't stay here with me, but would come over early on Christmas morning to see the kids and their presents, then take them to his house and then to see his family. There were family events with us both present.

 

I don't think the scenario you pose is proof he's holding on, and he seems to be fine with the arrangement for the last 3 years so you can't really say she's calling the shots.

 

If he's suddenly going to change things - he's right to want to talk to his kids - it's a change in the routine of what normally happens.

 

I will tell you this - my ex and I got along for 5 years - we had made it to friends for most part, but always always put the kids first. Then along came the woman who's his current wife. She was terribly insecure and hated that we got along - she alienated her 3 kids from their father - especially after he remarried. My ex put his then gf, now wife, feelings and opinions and wants first over his kids. The custody evaluator told him flat out - twice - that he was choosing this woman over his children and it would destroy his relationship with his kids. She was truly such an evil vicious woman that when my oldest was a minor he was forbidden by the court to have her anywhere around the woman (wasn't my request, was the children's attorney and the custody evaluators). He's currently trying to repair his relationship with our oldest, but she lost all respect for him and trust in him years ago. Our youngest hasn't seen him but maybe 4 times a year for the last few years. Both kids refuse to have anything to do with their 'stepmonster'. He lost custody of both some years back - because of her for all intents and purposes.

 

Me - I dated on and off - few years ago I finally found Mr Right - my kids adore him - totally. And recently my oldest had a serious injury and requires a LOT of my time - that solidified it for her - my man didn't whine, complain, put his wants first, or try to come between us like their stepmom did. He verbally and with actions supported her and my commitment to her.

 

I'm dating a man that have been seperated from his wife for (3) years, (4) kids with her and another child in college with another woman....... go figure!!!!!!!!!! He practically lives with me but does have his own place that I frequent at times and have keys to.

 

The touchy thing is everytime I mention his wife and kids he gets on the offensive side. We've been dating for (6) months now here's Thanksgiving and he just told me he normally eats dinner at the wife house with the kids!!!!!!!! What?????????

 

The youngest is 11 and I feel if it's been 3 years like he's said they all know daddy not coming back!

 

Now he's mad at me again because I can't seem to understand that he needs to talk it over with his kids. I feel he should tell his kids he wants them to eat dinner with him and I and if they don't want to then that's okay but come on that's just too Brady Bunch for me.

 

Next he's gonna tell me that he spends the night over there for xmas so his kids can wake up and see him there.

 

How much and I'm suppose to deal with. Remind you I have never met the kids but he has met my son.

 

I drive his other car, I've met his family, he spends practically every night with me, he live an hour away from me and his job is closer to my house, so he's mentioned us getting a bigger house so he can have his kids.

 

The problem he says that's taking so long is that he's letting her write up the papers and come to an understanding so child support won't get involved because he makes goooooooooood money and he says if theirs a child support order it will only hurt the kids.

 

What should I do? Is he just holding on or is he letting her call too many shots. Either way she's gonna get what she wants.

[hollywood3453]

Ok we talked last night and it blew up with him leaving my home 4am and then to return at 8am saying we need to talk. He finally told me that since he told his wife about me and that he wanted to have his kids for Thanksgiving she's been giving him the blues. He said she was okay when he was alone in his apartment looking like death.

 

But now that she see this change in him she's now asking questions like who am I and do he really like me and basically trying to maybe step back at him. Control like I said before, now it's up to him because she knows him way better then me.

 

He asked me this morning once this is over would I marry him because I am who he wants to be with!

[Mary3]

I still think he is feeding you a line of BS.

 

He gets angry because things aren't going * his * way.

 

You DO realize that the problems you are having with him are NOT going to go away , right ?

 

He has his kids and he and his wife will forever be linked to those kids. So that means FOREVER if you choose to marry him someday or whenever , .......thats how long this will go on .

 

Are you strong enough to deal with that ?

 

I would be cautious of a man who stays married for convienance. Who's convienance ? You only know what he TELLS you. Have you talked to his wife, thats right his wife . He is still married...

[Brimstone_Angel]

To answer your question directly about the thread title...

 

I don't care if the woman has been separated for 10 years... SHE IS STILL MARRIED AND I AM NOT GOING TO BE THE OTHER MAN! It does not matter how you cut it, the legal and dictionary and Biblical term of adultery is when a non-married person has an relationship with someone who is married.

 

But of course this is only my sense of ethics and morals which I would not compromise even if I will never have the woman of my dreams. She must be single. It does not matter if she is has never been married, divorced, or widowed. Separated does not equal single. And if a separated woman came after me, I'd be out of there in a flash. I would not even entertain the thought.

[MusicChick24]

This is true, however my parents were seperated (without papers, so not legally seperated) for four years before they got divorced the only difference was they had nothing to do with me. My dad was free to date, my mom was free to date and they both did so. The only reason they didn't file for divorce was (once again) financial reasons. Niether one wanted to pay for the divorce so they just went their seperate ways. Niether planned to marry again so it didn't matter to them. They finally filed for divorce two years ago when my dad began seeing his now gf...she wanted to get married (though they aren't engaged) and the thought of him being divorce would make her happier so she paid for their divorce and they finally made it offical. But it didn't make a difference because they had been divorced mentally for four years.

 

I don't think whether or not the seperation being legal is the issue in my opinion. And his want to be around his kids for the holidays isn't either. My parents wouldn't share the holidays together but I have friends who have divorced parents who can sit down and share a meal together. Nothing wrong with that. The concern is WILL he get a divorce and WILL he marry you? And of course SHOULD you marry him. Those decisions are up to you.

 

<3