Before we dated, fiance was told he was father of ex's child

[lexi29]

I wasn't sure where to put this because it doesn't involve cheating or flirting and not really jealousy. My fiance and I have been together for over 4 years and were supposed to get married in Sept. I called the wedding off (postponed it) because I wasnt' ready. He has a 9 year old son who lives with him full time. 2 years ago he let me in on something I wish he never told me. It hasn't really bothered me till now. 2 years ago he told me that before we got together (we were friends at the time) that he hooked up with an ex of his when he was single. This ex, I'll call her Sara. He and Sara used to live together for several months before he started dating his son's mom (so about ten years ago when they were in their late teens, early twenties) Sara had a son of her own at the time (he was 2) and she wanted to marry my fiance and he said he didn't want to marry her. So for some reason she abandoned her son with him for 3 weeks (this was when they were dating) and he took care of her son as if he were his own (he was about 19 at the time). He says he kept in touch with her a few times a year ever since they broke up to ask how her son was doing as he felt a bond with him. I guess this has continued over the years.

 

Well he says they had sex one night (before we were together) and a few months later Sara called him and told him she was pregnant and that it was HIS child. He says he laughed at her, told her there was no way it was his and hung up on her. ANd that he hasn't talked to her since then (which would have been about five or more years ago). He says they used a condom and she says that it broke but he didn't pay attention and doesn't remember noticing that it broke. He said he thinks she was just looking for someone to take care of her and her kids and since he once took care of her son for her that she knew he would be a good dad and was trying to trap him by saying the child was his. He says he just laughed about it and told her if its his to take him for child support. He says he told his parents that she called him and told him this. She had the child in early 2004 (We started dating in August of 2004). He never told me this until 2 years ago when we were arguing about something and he was mad because I hadn't told him some minor detail in my past and I asked if there was anything he had not told me and he came out with this.

 

He says he saw Sara shortly after her daughter was born at a local fair he attends and that she saw him but didn't say anything to him. The little girl would now be 4 years old. She has never called him or gone after him for child support. I suggested maybe he should get a paternity test but it costs $500 unless one is requested for child support and then its free. He says he is not paying $500 to find out something he already knows (that the child isn't his) He said that another of his exes tried to do the same thing to him before (got pregnant and tried to tell him the kid was his and it wasn't) Interestingly enough when his son's mother got pregnant SHE told him it wasn't HIS kid and married someone else right away (she put him as the father on the birth certificate so she knew all along but she was sleeping with her new guy at the same time so he had doubts and believed her when she said it wasn't his child. But then after she got divorced she dropped their son off at my fiance's house and told him it was his son and he raised him for 2 years without knowing if it was true (he said he looked like him and he believed her) and it was proven by a paternity test when he was almost 4 years old that he IS my fiance's son. But he raised him for 2 years, not being sure.

 

So I believe if he did have another child out there he would take care of him/her.

 

Now his ex, Sara gets child support for her first kid even though the dad doesn't seem to work much (I checked child support public records and saw the case) so I don't understand why she wouldn't go after her daughter's dad (whoever that may be, my fiance or anyone else) for child support as well. Now I don't have access to child support records in our neighboring state so if the child's father lives there I have no way of knowing.

 

I'm just worried that if what this ex said was true, and my fiance is her daughter's father then I don't want to be involved with him. I love his son but to have to introduce a new child (she is 4) into the family is just too much and I can not deal with it. The odds are that his ex is just crazy and she was lying to him when she called him over 4 years ago and told him this. I mean she hasnt' tried to contact him since then. If this kid really was his wouldnt' she go after him for child support and wouldn't she want to prove (with a paternity test) that he is the father? His close friend at work is this ex's half brother (she was raised by his parents) and he knows my fiance dated her years ago and he's never said anything to him about the little girl being my fiance's. Also his son's mother's long term boyfriend is her cousin and he's never said anything to anyone or to my fiance about this girl being my fiance's child. We would definately hear about it for sure if his son's mother knew about it!!

 

So for over four years this ex has never contacted him. She hasnt' contacted him since he laughed at her telling him she was pregnant and it was his baby. He told her there was no way it was possible (there's a chance since he had sex with her but he doesn't think so)

 

Do you think that if someone had a child and knew who its father was (and knew this guy was a good dad) wouldn't she file for a paternity test to prove it so he had to pay for the child (she doesn't make much $ and isn't married to this day)? Wouldn't someone go to the father before 4 years had gone by? Am I worried about nothing?

[laRubiaBonita]

His close friend at work is this ex's half brother (she was raised by his parents) and he knows my fiance dated her years ago and he's never said anything to him about the little girl being my fiance's. Also his son's mother's long term boyfriend is her cousin and he's never said anything to anyone or to my fiance about this girl being my fiance's child.

 

gawd.... do you live in west virginia or pennsylvania or something?

[quankanne]

alabama, I'm thinking ...

 

lexi – what do you want from this relationship? From reading pasts posts, I can tell you love the guy, but it seems like every so often there's some kind of drama involving him or his child. Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

 

as for the child, my thought is that if your man really IS the daddy, she'd have said something by now to wrangle child support from him. Chances are, she may have just wanted a sucker to pin the pregnancy on ... but unless you invest the $500 you're never going to have peace of mind about the paternity of this child. Of course, this opens up a whole new can of worms: If he says he's not the biological father, and it turns out he isn't, you've violated his trust. If he *is* the dad, he's violated your trust. Any which way, I cannot see a happy outcome for this particular situation.

 

instead of investing more time in a relationship that often ends in drama, maybe it's time to consider breaking it off?

[Angel1111]

Tell him that you have to have proof that the child isn't his. If he refuses to do that and if it's that important to you, then end the relationship.

[sb129]

Oh Lexi, it does seem like there is a fresh drama every few months with you and your R.

I wasn't aware that you had called off the wedding, but I think you did the right things with regards to that, as your wedding planning seemed fraught with stress and problems.

I agree with quank- there doesn't seem to be a happy resolution to this story.

[mark982]

hey lay off the pennsylvania crap. should be kentucky.

[Angel1111]

And btw, if I were you, I wouldn't be too quick to overlook the fact that he withheld this key piece of information from you for 2 yrs. Not the smartest move on his part.

[lexi29]

They all live in Pennsylvania, sorry:confused:. We had a talk about it last night and he said he isn't worried about it because the chance the child is his was slim to begin with and he never believed her when she told him years ago. He said he's never told anyone other than his parents (so his coworker that is related to her has no idea and obviously the ex has never said anything to him or to her cousin (that my fiance knows) or someone would have said something to him. He also told me that she doesn't work very often and is known to collect welfare. This made me feel better (strangely enough but I'll explain) because if one collects welfare and has children the other parent of those children HAS to pay child support. The state will make the receipient go after the other parent and paternity will be established (reason paternity was established by the court for my fiance's son- his ex went on welfare and the state sought child support from him). States do this so the tax payers don't have to pay for a child that the other parent should be supporting.

 

So if this ex has collected welfare since her daughter was born there is a good chance that paternity has been established (and obviously its not my fiance's child) I did ask him about him having a paternity test and he thinks its crazy (he is convinced there is no way its his child) but he said if I am willing to find her and contact her and pay for the test he will do it. I really dont' want to pay $500 because if this ex already knows my fiance isnt' the father she is going to think its ridiculous that I'm contacting her to ask for a paternity test. And as someone pointed out it makes me look like I totally don't trust him. I trust that he doesn't THINK he is the father but he is not 100% certain because she accused him of being the father before the child was born. He said he never thinks about it and wasn't worried about it from day 1 when she told him. He said since he knows so many people who know her if there was any chance he was the father he would have known before now (she can easily get his contact info as she knows her cousin is his son's step dad and that he works with her half brother. Plus he lived at the same place until a year ago so she would have still have had his # and his parent's # and also could have stopped at his house.

 

She made no effort to contact him the last four years or so. He says I shouldnt' worry about it because he's not worried at all, that he never thinks about it. I asked him about this subject back in June and he didn't even remember me asking him about it (he thinks now is the first time I've ever brought this up and he wonders why I've brought it up now) so obviously it never crosses his mind and its not important to him if he didn't even remember me asking him about it earlier this year.

 

I have 2 guy friends who have had women (one was a girlfriend he was about to break up with and the other was an ex the other had a fling with tell them they got pregnant with their child (but both claimed to have a miscarriage with no proof after they found out the guy wasn't interested in sticking around- both said they'd pay child support but didn't want to be with the woman) and both cases turned out to be false. I know this is different because she actually was pregnant and has a daughter now. But I know people can lie (both sides).

 

Should I contact this woman or just leave it alone?

 

Does anyone think I should try to contact this woman? Or should I just leave it alone?

[lexi29]

Oh, and my fiance thinks I am just making a big deal out of this situation (because before it never really bothered me because I took his word that he definately thought the child wasn't his and she made no attempt to prove otherwise (never called him since the day she told him and he hung up on her). But now that we might get married it iS a big deal to me because I don't want some woman showing up after we are married claiming child support (and part of my family's income) plus the stress that would be on his son from having to adjust to finding out he has a sister that is only a few years younger than him (he has a half sister already) and having to have his life turned upside down. Also I know my fiance only wants to have one more child (and he'd love to have a girl) so if she showed up and said this was his daughter my fears are he wouldn't want to try to have a child with ME (and he says he has no idea how he'd feel in that situation, that it will never happen (because he's not the father) but if it did he'd have to wait till that time to see how he felt.

 

Now I should point out he's not hiding anything about this ex from me. When I asked her last name he gave it to me (he knew I was going to look her up online) and he told me where she used to live and I did verify she used to live there (online) (he's not sure where she lives now).

 

Should I try to contact her or leave the situation alone?

[lexi29]

And btw, if I were you, I wouldn't be too quick to overlook the fact that he withheld this key piece of information from you for 2 yrs. Not the smartest move on his part.

 

 

Well he probably would have never told me if we hadn't gotten into an argument over me hiding something (not that big) from him. He was mad at the time and I think was trying to shock me by telling me I didn't know everything about him or something. I found out recently that this isn't the only ex who has told him she was pregnant and it was his (another did it when he was only 18) Also he truly does not believe at all that this little girl is his simply because he and his ex used to be sort of friends (because he basically adopted her son when they dated and after they broke up because he didn't want to marry her at age 20 he kept in touch on and off to ask how her son was doing) and she would talk to him about every 4 months or so and when they hooked up (time in question) she told him afterward she wanted to date him again and he said no he wasn't interested and he said about a month or two later was when she called him and told him she was pregnant. And that was several years ago and she's never called him since. He says their last conversation he didn't say anything mean other than he laughed and told her there was no way the kid was his but if she wanted to prove it he would pay child support. And he's never heard from her again (5 plus years).

 

So to him it was a dead issue and he didn't see any reason to tell me(until 2 years ago when we had that fight and he also told me how he's had one night stands over the years and how he hooked up with his son's mother and was going to get back with her (also before we dated). So when he was telling me it was just sort of a knee jerk reaction to make me realize there were things I didn't know about him I guess. At the time he told me I didn't care but now that it could affect our life together, I do.

[curiousnycgirl]

Personally I think you are looking for reasons to break it off with him. It is not as if you just learned this bit of news recently, you've known about it for two years. Why did you accept his proposal if you feel so strongly about it.

 

I say leave her alone and stop looking for excuses. Either you love this guy and want to spend the rest of your life with him or you don't. If you do then these isseus you keep raising are meaningless in the scheme of things.

[laRubiaBonita]

well i would certainly make sure there was nothing else that "isn't a big issue" to him.

 

reverse this and lets say you were hiding the fact that you have a child with some dude, lets say dude has full custody, and therefore you figure, since you never see said child nor hear from baby's daddy, why rock the boat on any new relationship and tell of a child that you may have responsibility for...... i mean it's not like you have custody or have even seen this child since it was a baby. and baby's daddy would rather not have contact with you nor does he want you to be a part of this child's life...... why tell? it's almost as if you do not have a child.

 

makes me suspect of what he is omitting, omission of the truth is just as bad as lying.

[2sure]

You have every right to say, a partner that comes with one child is okay...but two, would be past your limit. Its a personal choice and OK.

 

You have done plenty of research and I can confirm that if she (Sara) has received any kind of public assistance for the child, the state required establishment of paternity. You can bet that as a single, non professional mother of two small children - she has needed some form of assistance.

So your guy is as certain as you can get, not the father.

 

Also, because she is a single mother and familiar with the child support system from her previous child - you can bet she would have aggressively pursued this child's dad if he was the father. Whether he laughed at her or not. He isnt the father.

 

And. She wanted to marry him. She left her own child with an inexperienced teenager, she knew he would do the right thing. When she found herself pregnant again - she thought he was the perfect option and that he would "roll over". He didn't. She went away. He basically forgot about it. Women do this to guys very often. Especially when the guy breaks up with them.

 

No one wants to be caught unprepared. Especially with marriage. But I think you know that the chance of this being an issue is miniscule. You have enough evidence to know this. 100% beyond the shadow of a doubt? Even paternity tests cannot give you that.

 

Marriage comes with NO guarentees. You can't get one.

[lexi29]

Personally I think you are looking for reasons to break it off with him. It is not as if you just learned this bit of news recently, you've known about it for two years. Why did you accept his proposal if you feel so strongly about it.

 

I say leave her alone and stop looking for excuses. Either you love this guy and want to spend the rest of your life with him or you don't. If you do then these isseus you keep raising are meaningless in the scheme of things.

 

 

You are right. I think I am weighing my options and trying to find reasons to end it with him. He thinks this too by the way, but I deny it. He thinks I am just making a big deal about things so I can walk away. I know i've known about it for 2 years and honestly when he told me 2 years ago it shocked me but I figured (like him) that if it were his child the ex would have gone after him for child support (not saying much for him but a few of his exes are moms who rely on welfare and other people to take care of them because they don't want to work.) The ex he left me for worked two jobs to take care of her daughter and received no child support from her kid's dad because HE didn't work. So he has dated a few ambitious women but not many.

 

But anyway, thats off topic. I do love him and want to be with him. But I want everything out on the table. I've read stories on here about men cheating on their wives and having OW's baby and the wife has to accept the child and it changes their whole lives. now that wouldn't be the situation because this was BEFORE he was dating me but it would still casue a huge upheaval in our lives and if I'm signing up to marry him I'm signing up for him and his son and that is our family and we want to try to have a child of our own. I'm not signing up for another ex in our lives (if he is the father) because his son's mother is bad enough and I can't handle two of them. And I'm not signing up for another child that I wasn't made aware of (as in she's actually HIS) when we get married. As much as I love children, I would resent this little girl if she was his because 1) he may not want to have a child with ME since he only wants 2. 2) she would be taking income away from our family 3) our family dynamic would change.

 

Honestly, I don't know if I want to marry him or not.

[lexi29]

well i would certainly make sure there was nothing else that "isn't a big issue" to him.

 

reverse this and lets say you were hiding the fact that you have a child with some dude, lets say dude has full custody, and therefore you figure, since you never see said child nor hear from baby's daddy, why rock the boat on any new relationship and tell of a child that you may have responsibility for...... i mean it's not like you have custody or have even seen this child since it was a baby. and baby's daddy would rather not have contact with you nor does he want you to be a part of this child's life...... why tell? it's almost as if you do not have a child.

 

makes me suspect of what he is omitting, omission of the truth is just as bad as lying.

 

 

Well I see what you are saying and no he wouldn't like that at all, but in this case he has no proof the child is really his. It was just told to him and then she dropped it (and the little girl is four or five now). They were not dating at the time (it was a one-time hookup) and she hasn't pursued the issue since. So the chances are that it is not his daughter. In your example I would actually have a child and be deliberately hiding this from him. Not the same thing, but I do get your point.

[lexi29]

You have every right to say, a partner that comes with one child is okay...but two, would be past your limit. Its a personal choice and OK.

 

You have done plenty of research and I can confirm that if she (Sara) has received any kind of public assistance for the child, the state required establishment of paternity. You can bet that as a single, non professional mother of two small children - she has needed some form of assistance.

So your guy is as certain as you can get, not the father.

 

Also, because she is a single mother and familiar with the child support system from her previous child - you can bet she would have aggressively pursued this child's dad if he was the father. Whether he laughed at her or not. He isnt the father.

 

And. She wanted to marry him. She left her own child with an inexperienced teenager, she knew he would do the right thing. When she found herself pregnant again - she thought he was the perfect option and that he would "roll over". He didn't. She went away. He basically forgot about it. Women do this to guys very often. Especially when the guy breaks up with them.

 

No one wants to be caught unprepared. Especially with marriage. But I think you know that the chance of this being an issue is miniscule. You have enough evidence to know this. 100% beyond the shadow of a doubt? Even paternity tests cannot give you that.

 

Marriage comes with NO guarentees. You can't get one.

 

 

Thank you, that puts my mind at ease somewhat