parque Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Hi everyone...I apologize in advance for this being so long. I know there is no way to tell my whole story here without writing a novel, but I need to detail a lot to explain what's going on. I hope someone can help me sort through this. My husband and I have been married for 11 years and have two children. Our relationship has had it's ups and downs over the years, with the pretty down period being when he had an emotional affair. He swears it didn't go beyond that, but I still have my doubts about it. At the time he blamed it on me saying that he couldn't talk to me. It really broke my heart. He also has always been secretive about things. He will not let in his email and gets pretty weird about his personal stuff. He claims that it's his stuff and I have no right to it. I have caught him in some lies over the years and I still find that if he thinks I will get mad at him he will lie to me. Then he gets mad that I don't trust him and says that he wouldn't have to lie to me if I didn't get so upset over things. It's a vicious cycle. Somehow it always seems like everything is my fault. If I bring up something that bothers me, our arguments will always end with him saying that I make him feel worthless or that he's not good enough. He will start crying and saying that I make him feel like a failure. I don't understand this as I am very proud of the work he does and supportive of him. The biggest problems we have come in the relationship aspect. I can't deal with the lying. It has put some sort of wedge between us. I think his philosophy is that I should just get over it. Or if I would just be more accepting that he wouldn't lie. But isn't it his responsibility not to lie? To me that sounds like the rationale of a little kid. Like they don't wan't mom to be mad so they don't tell her the truth about what happened. He's an adult and he's responsible for his actions. One of the other issues is his family. His mom is so wrapped up in her two boys that they can do no wrong. She doesn't want them to feel bad if things don't go their way so she always put the blame on everyone and everything else. She also gives out ridiculous amounts of praise for things to the point of it seeming insincere. She is a liar herself. I've caught her in many lies. I don't trust her either. She plays the weak, needy mother who calls her sons for advice and always needs them for something. Another thing are his moods. They are up and down and all over the place. He won't talk about what is going on in his head. If I notice he looks upset he tells me he's not even though his facial cues suggest otherwise. The only time I hear what I did wrong or what upsets him is when I wanna talk to him about something, then he dumps all these things on me that bother him about me. It's like a full on assault, like he saved it all up for one big moment. At least I will bring it up when it happens. Of course somehow when I bring something up about him, it all gets turned around so it ends up about me. I also feel like no one else sees the side of him that I see. He shows them the fun and happy side. They don't see the moody, mean and vindictive side of him. He saves that for me, I guess. So I sometimes feel a bit crazy because I don't think people believe me when I tell them some of the stuff he does. He really is at opposite ends of the spectrum, the fun lovin comic, becomes the twisted manipulator. I have personally been in therapy in the past, and we did do couples therapy a few years ago. The therapist was not that great and she seemed intimidated by him. He's really good at saying whatever you want to hear. I don't think he really was being as honest as he could have been. In fact, the first therapist we went to, didn't want to see him again after I told her that I felt he wasn't being honest with her. She said she could only help if he was completely honest. Of course, it was all my fault. It's at the point where I don't know how I feel about him. I know I feel very guarded because of the lies, half expecting a shoe to drop sometime. I don't feel like he loves me, at least not in the sense that he really is that into me or that he enjoys me or being around me or even thinks highly of me. If we didn't have kids, I'm not so sure I'd still be here. So, what do I do? How do I sort this out? I'm seriously considering therapy if I can afford it, just to be able to get this stuff out. Just so you know, I've battled with mixed depression/panic disorder for the past 8 years too. So that complicates things for me. Thanks so much for reading all this and any advice you have to offer!
carhill Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Get IC for yourself. See a psychologist instead of a therapist. Google "gaslighting". Time for H to get a wake-up call
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Ah, I feel for you hon because I got one of those lyin' ba*tards myself. It's enough to drive a woman crazy, with the way they think. We talked about this exact thing in MC this morning...we have a male therapist, and he leaned into my husband and said, "You can hope all you want to that she's going to magically forget the past and you can wipe the slate clean of all your lies, but I tell you what...It ain't never gonna work. Unless and until YOU decide to be completely open and honest, you can't expect her to trust you! She'd be a fool to!" Hearing that from a guy made the light bulb go off in his head. So if your hubby is anything like mine (and they sound eerily similar), you need some back-up, quick! Is he a 'man's man'? Find a male therapist. Without the trust, there's really nothing left, is there? So go fight for that.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 I have caught him in some lies over the years and I still find that if he thinks I will get mad at him he will lie to me. Then he gets mad that I don't trust him and says that he wouldn't have to lie to me if I didn't get so upset over things. It's a vicious cycle. OP, only you know the truth about your relationship (or at least your side of the truth ). However, many men are averse to what they see as unending conflict and drama in their lives. And their unfortunate coping mechanism, as you've pointed out, is to lie about those things that bring about that kind of interaction. I'm just wondering if you've thought about the part you might play in that. Are you one of those people that sweats the small stuff? Do you nitpick or present an inflexible approach to problems? It's interesting that he says he feels like a failure but you say you're proud of him. Does he get a sense of how you feel? I don't condone lying as it is destructive to a relationship. But desparate men do desparate things. Something to think about... Mr. Lucky
galicat Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 http://www.narcissismcured.com/narcissism_cured_-_13_steps_and_free_radio_show.html http://www.narcissism101.com/ My partner is a narcist and i feel i can understand your email and the points you make. i hope this helps you understand it and stop blaming and questioning yourself. good luck )
whichwayisup Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Choice is his - Marriage counselling with you or you two divorce. If he isn't willling to change and make the marriage better, then why stay married to selfish (probably narcississtic) ass? Seriously.. Your husband sounds draining and exhausting to be around! Marriage is supposed have problems from time to time, but it seems 'something' is always wrong and he's making it your fault (that's bullcrap so don't let him put his crap on you!) and runs from honesty, communication and basically being a good husband to you. So, why did you marry this guy?
You'reasian Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 I wish I had something constructive to say, but since I've never been married, I don't have any experience in the matter. Best of luck and definitely try some marriage counselling.
RecordProducer Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 I also feel like no one else sees the side of him that I see. He shows them the fun and happy side. They don't see the moody, mean and vindictive side of him. He saves that for me, I guess. So I sometimes feel a bit crazy because I don't think people believe me when I tell them some of the stuff he does. He really is at opposite ends of the spectrum, the fun lovin comic, becomes the twisted manipulator. Your husband reminds me of mine, minus the mood swings, plus constant divorce threats. In my case, he doesn't want to go to counseling. But with so many lousy counselors, it seems like we're not missing much. I think many people just suck in one way or another; they have issues they fight in their own hands, they have flaws, fears, etc. It's very difficult for a woman to accept that the hsuband she once was madly in love with, turned into something different. You think it's about you or your marriage or something he could change. You criticize him because you want him to treat you right, but then he feels bad. Yes, he IS a failure on the emotional level and he knows it. (His mother doesn't know it, because he is part of her.) The thing is, no matter what you do, he will never change. You may indice him to change his behavior because he's afraid of losing you, the children, the house, the comfort... Or perhaps he truly loves you in his own way and will occasionally try to make you happy. But these attempts take a huge amount of effort on his part - and eventually, he goes back to his natural shape. He is what he is. You can alleviate the life you're living with him through some kind of agreement (unlikely), blackmails (unhealthy and only temporarily), but you can't change him. You have to accept the fact that he is what he is, and only set boundaries for yourself. My father told me about my husband, that he is a child in his mind and should be treated as such (trust me, my H is the ultimate alpha male, so don't get fooled). I guess with children, it's the reward and deprivation system that works. E.g. when he acts a certain way -
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