Can anyone explain what just happened?

[cherryade]

Hey, sorry it's a bit of a long story, but I could use some help figuring out how and why my life has just been turned upside down.

 

Had been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 1/2 years. We were friends first, then it was mainly a long distance relationship with us seeing eachother only when he came back for the holidays or when I visited him. It wasn't perfect, it was hard, we split up once because he "wanted space" and got back together after he said he was sure I was what he wanted. But when we were together everything was brilliant. Only recently I got a job in a cafe, because he suggested catering experience would be useful when I moved to be with him next year (after finishing uni). He asked if we could go to Japan when he's finished his degree (3 years away) and we've spoken about the future and were both fully integrated into eachothers familys.

 

I visited him for 10 days 2 weeks ago; everything seemed fine. Then a week later (Thursday) we booked a holiday. I called him on Friday to talk about boring holiday stuff, and he asked me to call him on the Saturday because he was going out. Everything seemed good. So I phoned him on the Saturday, and he asked if we could get a refund on the holiday. I asked why and he said he'd slept with a girl on his course (who I'd met the week before). I asked whether he wanted her or me and he didn't hesitate to choose her. I haven't spoken to him since but I hear that he's in a relationship with her and he's "never sounded better" on the phone.

 

I'm devestated. I can understand that he obviously has feelings for someone else, but why didn't he say anything? Why did we book a holiday the day before? It would have been easier to split up years ago, or never have been together, but I assumed we were doing it because it was worth something. But he's just thrown me away like I never was anything, and the last 3 years that we've shared can just be erased. I don't understand. Is it really possible for it to be so easy for him to do this? He didn't even say sorry.

 

Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

[ThomasX]

Hey cherry-- sounds like he may be a narcissist or sociopath. And TRUST me... if that's the case, you are WAY better off. More than you can EVER imagine.

 

Some people are cold hearted like that-- and very impulsive.

 

You have to trust that its NOT your loss. Because trust me, I can tell you right now it isn't, after hearing his actions. I know those 3 years seem like a waste, because I've been through what you are going through now, before, and I am also going through it again right now too-- my ex gf broke up with my Nov 4th.

 

You have to just stay strong and persevere-- you're obviously an intelligent girl, who is insightful and thoughtful, as well as has a heart. If you didn't have a heart, you wouldn't care-- and thus, wouldn't be posting here. So you have a heart and are sensitive. That's a very good quality, and something any guy (including me) would look for in a girl.

 

So I am really trying to help you in 2 ways... 1, by telling you you aren't alone, and I'm going through it right now too... and 2, that you have desirable qualities, and thus, you are destined to get with a better guy. Hopefully one who isn't a sociopath/narcissist this time.

 

Forgive my sense of cold humor.. but sometimes, you have to try to get yourself to laugh. Even though you probably won't. Because I know I'm not.

[cherryade]

I don't think he's a sociopath, but he's definitely arrogant and selfish. I always felt that he didn't appreciate me (maybe it's my fault, he knew I wouldn't leave him), but I loved him all the same and I never dreamed he'd do what he's done.

 

Since he's with her now and he's known her a year, presumably there was some build up of feelings over time. Yes, it would have hurt to break up anyway, but I wouldn't feel betrayed and made a fool of. It wouldn't have taken any effort at all to stop me booking the holiday, even if it was only with an excuse. I don't care about the money, I care that he made me feel safe and secure in our relationship and I wasn't.

[ThomasX]

Yes, that is definitely without a DOUBT selfish and cruel. Pretty f'd up indeed. I feel you there, because I felt secure too. I believed in this person and trusted we'd work through any problem and never break up.

 

It's healthy though for you to complain and vent about this all. Know that people are here listening and feeling the same... especially me. Also, you may want to try something called blogging. You can go to http://www.blogspot.com and create a blog. It's like a public diary. Talking about your emotions and experiences for everyone to see, can be very theraputic.

[cherryade]

It's a good idea, but I'm really trying hard now to wallow in my grief. OK, I would probably take him back if he offered, but I really don't think he's going to, so why dwell on it. I'm trying to get myself some new friends, not that I'm ditching the old ones, but they all know both of us so it's kinda hard to not talk about him all the time anyway. Thanks for your support Thomas, I hope you feel better soon too.

 

Anyone else got any ideas on what went wrong? I'm kinda blaming myself.

[lofi_tokyo]

Heya Cherry!

 

I have had a VERY SIMILAR experience to yours!

My ex of 2.5 years left me for another woman. We were long distance at the end of it, and just prior to our breakup I booked a trip to visit him... which I really wish I hadn't gone on... at least I got to say goodbye?

 

The first thing to realize is DON'T blame yourself. I am sure as you begin to heal from this breakup, but you will begin to see reasons why the relationship failed, you'll see things that could have gone differently - but they're not really things you did wrong so much as things that made the two of you incompatible.

The second thing to realize is... you need to keep away from your ex. Cut all contact. The fact that he has left you for someone else is going to eat you away no matter what, and trust me, talking to him will actually make his new relationship work out better than normal - because he'll use you groveling for him back as a comparison to this new girl whos totally interesting and fun (in his eyes). Go NC, make him miss you, and heal up!

 

I am 2.5 months ahead of you in this (my ex left me sept4th and immediately started dating a new gal), so its easy for me to say now you WILL heal. That being said, its gonna be a rough few months... but if you need someone, I'm here for you!!

[Trialbyfire]

cherry, guys in general have difficulties with LDRs. If there's someone close at hand, who can provide the physical contact, most will go for it, particularly if you consider the excitement of a new relationship or hunt.

 

I'm sorry this has happened to you but I'd also like to add that this has nothing to do with what you've done and everything to do with him.

[Vince Black]

unbelievable..well not really....i have seen this before and every time it makes me scratch my head

 

and guys wonder why they have a "bad rap"

 

Just remember you did nothing wrong...you did nothing wrong

 

that's just the way it goes sometimes....better yourself...get through the pain

and before you know it.....life is good again

[cherryade]

I can understand that the opportunity was there, and it was easy, and he took it. I do understand that, LDRs are hard. But we'd done it for a while, we must have been doing it cos it was worth it. And it was going to be over soon.

Ok, he cheated. Fine. But then he chose her over me, over everything we've worked for and been through and shared. They were good times. We weren't incompatible.

Can it really be so easy to just shut the door on a massive part of your life? We spoke nearly everyday, but I don't think he misses me.

Will he ever miss me? Will he come back? I'm not saying I'd take him, I don't know, but I at least want to know he realises he made a big mistake, and I'm certain he has. We really were that good, I just think it got too hard to be apart

[EmperorR]

Heya Cherry!

 

I have had a VERY SIMILAR experience to yours!

My ex of 2.5 years left me for another woman. We were long distance at the end of it, and just prior to our breakup I booked a trip to visit him... which I really wish I hadn't gone on... at least I got to say goodbye?

 

The first thing to realize is DON'T blame yourself. I am sure as you begin to heal from this breakup, but you will begin to see reasons why the relationship failed, you'll see things that could have gone differently - but they're not really things you did wrong so much as things that made the two of you incompatible.

The second thing to realize is... you need to keep away from your ex. Cut all

contact. The fact that he has left you for someone else is going to eat you away no matter what, and trust me, talking to him will actually make his new relationship work out better than normal - because he'll use you groveling for

him back as a comparison to this new girl whos totally interesting and fun (in his eyes). Go NC, make him miss you, and heal up!

I am 2.5 months ahead of you in this (my ex left me sept4th and immediately

started dating a new gal), so its easy for me to say now you WILL heal. That

being said, its gonna be a rough few months... but if you need someone, I'm

here for you!!

 

Wow my ex left me to on sep 4 except I got strung along for a week untill she found her rebound

 

Anyways to the op it's hard very hard but cut contact the persoN you love andcared for is gone dead.

 

I've been there I know how it feels how hard it is to comprehend how can someone who says they love you so much, been together for so long can just drop you and treat you like a piece if dirt, like the past 3 years did not exist.

 

Stay strong do nc and don't turn back.

[EmperorR]

I can understand that the opportunity was there, and it was easy, and he took it. I do understand that, LDRs are hard. But we'd done it for a while, we must have been doing it cos it was worth it. And it was going to be over soon.

Ok, he cheated. Fine. But then he chose her over me, over everything we've worked for and been through and shared. They were good times. We weren't incompatible.

Can it really be so easy to just shut the door on a massive part of your life? We spoke nearly everyday, but I don't think he misses me.

Will he ever miss me? Will he come back? I'm not saying I'd take him, I don't know, but I at least want to know he realises he made a big mistake, and I'm certain he has. We really were that good, I just think it got too hard to be apart

 

he was probably detaching months ago so he's already ahead of you. I know how you feel my ex fiancé cheated on me and dumped me like I was nothing.

 

I know right now you want him back more than anything I was the same, but if you do nc and detox yourself from him your eyes will open up.

 

Do you really want somone who cheated on you left you for another girl be showed no remorse?

 

Does he miss you? He's with another girl, I'm sorry but you have been replaced. Or maybe I'm wrong, but the only way to find out for yourelf is to do no contact if he contacts you then I guess he misses you, but maybe just as a friend.

 

Trust me anything is better than a cheat someone who has no respect for you or your feelings.

[cherryade]

yeah, maybe he was detatching ages ago, but why then didn't he say something? would it have been that hard to at least have the respect to dump me first? and why on earth did we book a holiday? when you go on holiday with someone it kinda implies you enjoy their company enough that you'll even spend a load of money to have their company elsewhere, not that you couldn't give a damn about them. I am doing NC, I did as soon as the phonecall ended. But if he came back and apologised and i felt he meant it (unlikely i feel) then yes, i would take him back even though he cheated because i value what we had and i believe it's worth fighting for something so rare. maybe it wouldn't work, maybe i could never trust him again, but i'd like the comfort of knowing we actually tried.

[You'reasian]

It's a good idea, but I'm really trying hard now to wallow in my grief. OK, I would probably take him back if he offered, but I really don't think he's going to, so why dwell on it. I'm trying to get myself some new friends, not that I'm ditching the old ones, but they all know both of us so it's kinda hard to not talk about him all the time anyway. Thanks for your support Thomas, I hope you feel better soon too.

 

Anyone else got any ideas on what went wrong? I'm kinda blaming myself.

 

That's tough - I can't see why your man would just up and cheat on you. Were there any difficulties building up over time? Arguments? Unresolved issues?

 

I mean, I foolishly thought I could say whatever and put out whatever vibe I wanted to with my ex and I ended up sending her the wrong signal - which manifested itself in a series of arguments and her not trusting me.

 

Geez, I though of myself as a subject expert in the area of relationships and here I was doing what I wanted to do without consideration of her (or maybe I should focus on me?)

[lofi_tokyo]

I'm guessing even though he was detaching himself from you, he still loved you, and did not want to quit... but when push came to shove, he eventually broke things off. He was feeling distant for a long time, but never enough so to end things until he finally did.

 

You want to know both of you tried? I believe you both sincerely did. Long distance is incredibly hard. Who knows if my ex and I would have made it when we finally were in the same city - our relationship in many aspects seemed very good though, but in the end distance just was not working. I hated the distance because having to save up for plane tickets and having to always be online killed me, and obviously, I missed him terribly. My ex had his own reasons.

 

It sucks that in the end he had to leave me for someone else, but we did do long distance for 2+ years, and we did have some good times. We tried so hard.

 

I am sure the same goes for you and your ex. Sadly, there just comes a time when you need to throw in the towel and live for a bit. If you two have broken up amicably, its possible if you're in his town later you may get back together, but... I wouldn't hold onto that, instead let yourself get over him and be happy.

[cherryade]

Absolutely nothing. We never argued. We had the odd minor frustration, usually to do with long distance communication, but we'd just say it and it would be out in the air and that would be it. It sounds crazy, but I knew of nothing fundamentally wrong. When we were together (basically summer breaks, easter and christmas, and whenever i could go to him - maybe a max of 6 weeks apart at a time) everything was perfect. we wanted to do the same sort of things, and we never ran out of something to say. I felt that I was really me when I was him, as if I'd come home. And now he's gone...

[cherryade]

We're originally from the same town, but I don't think we'll ever be in the same town. I was going to move in with him in May. I can't just move to that town now, just so we can get back together if it's possible.

 

I don't think we tried. We tried when it was ok, but if we'd really tried we'd have discussed the problem that eventually led to him going of with her. But it was never mentioned. And if he'd rung me and said he'd cheated but it was a mistake and can we try I'd have said yes. None of that happened. He didn't try, and I was oblivious.

[cherryade]

Tokyovogue, has your ex tried to get is contact? Is he still with the new girl? Having reflected on all your questions I've reached the conclusion that I gave him everything I could, and I can't think of anything more he could have asked for. Genuinely. And it makes it worse, cos I gave my everything and I just wasn't good enough.

[lofi_tokyo]

My ex is still with the new girl, yes. I went NC for three weeks then he tried contacting me, and I caved in for a solid week - which ****ed me up pretty badly ;p, and now I've been NC a week since.

 

Um... since then he hasnt tried to contact me!

I am 100% positive he is happy with his life right now. It sucks, because we were together so long, and were so close, and now he has shut that door, but you know, thats life? Its painful as hell saying goodbye, but I have no other choice.

 

My biggest piece of advice is... the sooner you come to accepting he may very well be with the new girl forever, the sooner you'll heal. Accepting that does two things for you:

A) You're giving up hope on a 2nd chance -> critical when it comes to moving on

B) You're accepting a very real possibility, that if you pretend can't happen, may hurt you later down the road.

[cherryade]

I don't want to accept it, it seems so wrong. I know he's treated me badly, I know something must have been wrong for him to do this, but I want him back. I know I can't do anything to achieve it. I'm scared cos I know I'm doing NC for the wrong reason - to get him back, not to heal.

[lofi_tokyo]

Like I said, we're kind of going through the same thing but on different parts of the timeline.

 

I went NC to get my ex back at first. As much as I told myself it would heal me too - and I honestly DID try to heal, I was also using it to get back at him, or to get him back.

 

He did come back sort of - he attempted to make conversation with me by logging on MSN (which he never uses but I do) to talk to me... but all he wanted was to see what I was up to, it wasn't to leave his new girl to go back to me, no sir.

 

Work hard each day to get closer to acceptance. Its going to hurt like **** and be so so so hard, even today I'm still like... not wanting my ex back, not even sure if I'm missing him, but I feel an emptiness inside. You'll heal, I'll heal, just keep posting here if you need to and we'll make it out together.

[cherryade]

I'm always on msn; he hasn't blocked me. He hasn't tried to talk to me, but he hasn't blocked me.

I'm always on facebook (i know this is BAD). His relationship status is "it's complicated" and she hasn't got one at all. This gives me vague hope.

Oh I'm angry, and I know it would never be the same but ARGH. I love him.

[lofi_tokyo]

Just keep on keepin' on. You'll make it through. I am SO sorry you are hurting right now, I wish I had some solidly sound advice, but all I've got is it will work out in the end. Oy!

 

**** like this sucks, having long distance as a huge problem, working through it tirelessly, then being left for someone else. But... good news is while I am still hurting and dealing with being on my own, I am not hurting over my ex being with someone new anymore. You'll get there, I promise.

 

Try not to hold onto hope.

You deserve better than someone who needs to date another girl to realize you're worth a second shot.

[cherryade]

Went out with a girly friend last night, and I tried to ban the mentioning of his name but it didn't work. She is friends with both of us, and she can't believe he's done this. She said she can't think of a single thing he could have asked for, that we were perfect. So now I feel rubbish, cos it just means i gave everything and it still wasn't enough.

I'd like to think I'd have moved on, but it's my greatest desire that one day he realises that he screwed up, and wishes he could have back what he threw away. I don't know if that ever happens?