How do you cope with people?

[Nikki Sahagin]

I like to think I am a kind, loving, helpful, good, all round 'nice' person. I have my imperfections and faults and have made mistakes but have never done anything of which I am ashamed or disgusted. I have strong values and morals from which I have never deviated and I strive for harmony with people. I enjoy being around people with whom I can get along and have fun and everyone can gel together.

 

But I am losing patience with other human beings in general. Their pettiness, their cruelty, their ignorance, their arrogance, their coldness. Is it just me or is everyone out for themselves? I am becoming cynical, jaded, pessimistic and dissiullsioned with the human race. The majority of people I come into contact with are just so shut off and uncaring. They are all set to survivor mode. It's 'me and mine' and everyone else can go to hell. Don't get me wrong - I'm not Mother Theresa - doing my bit for everyone. But I think just in terms of the general, day-to-day DECENCY to others - I step up. But most others I see don't. Even small things like please and thankyou.

 

How do you cope seeing so much bad, cruelty, evil, ignorance and just general dehumanity in your fellow human being? Is it true the nice guy/nice girl must always finish last?

[quankanne]

it might be my southern upbringing, where you "ma'am" and "sir" and "please/thank you" is second nature, so that no matter how rude someone can be, those manners kick in. And i've learned to not take those things seriously, because a lot of times it's just a matter of catching people in a bad mood ... sometimes when you treat someone graciously, they'll tell you that it isn't you, just the circumstances, and that sets things straight.

 

when dealing with people in a perpetual pissy mode, I either turn on the gracious manners to sweeten them up or to mess with their heads ... depends on what impish thoughts rule my day :laugh:

[Geishawhelk]

Nikki - where are you from exactly?

 

I'm in the UK and can equate, but I point-blank permit the attitude outside, to affect me inside.

I belong to me, I control me, I'm responsible for me.

If I let 'outside' control 'inside', I've abdicated responsibility for my attitude and thought patterns to others.

I refuse to do that.

 

Simple.

[Touche]

What can I say? I agree with you. My answer is that I don't "cope" with most people. I'm in a cocoon with my family (husband, son and stepson) and the rest are in the periphery. They're marginally in my life. They come and go. I love my mother with all my heart, but I even have to keep her at arm's length (just to give an example.)

 

I have extremely high standards as to whom I will allow into my life. I don't easily get close to people..not for long anyway.

 

I'm fine with that. The less you expect from most people, the less you'll be disappointed.

[Touche]

Just curious but why does it matter where the OP is from? This is a universal thing in my opinion.

 

Also, aren't we supposed to be anonymous here? Although I show my pictures I would never reveal where I'm from "exactly."

[Geishawhelk]

Just curious but why does it matter where the OP is from? This is a universal thing in my opinion.

 

 

We can or not reveal where we're from, it's up to the individual.

Also, sometimes social attitudes are different country to country. I have visited some countries where social graces and politeness are staggering, and yet in other countries they are largely absent. Unfortunately, I think this tendency of "I'm alright jack, me first!" is very Western/European.

Lifestyles, for example, in the Far East are very different.

I was simply trying to get a 'flavour' of whereabouts to understand the comments better.

 

Oh, nice signature, by the way!

[Touche]

Ok, I get what you're saying but this:

 

Their pettiness, their cruelty, their ignorance, their arrogance, their coldness.

 

is universal in my opinion. I don't care where a person is from. MOST humans seem to be this way to me.

 

(Yeah, it's a bit outdated - "time for a change" on my sig.)

[Nikki Sahagin]

Nikki - where are you from exactly?

 

I'm in the UK and can equate, but I point-blank permit the attitude outside, to affect me inside.

I belong to me, I control me, I'm responsible for me.

If I let 'outside' control 'inside', I've abdicated responsibility for my attitude and thought patterns to others.

I refuse to do that.

 

Simple.

 

I'm from London (that's vague enough ). And sometimes I feel so allienated and disconnected from everyone.

[Geishawhelk]

That's why I asked.

I suspected as much.

 

England was classified in a Poll, done for the Times newspaper in June 2007, as one of the most unfriendly places in Europe.

 

I've lived in France, Italy, Norway and spent two months in japan.

never in any of these places, have I encountered as much coldness, hostility, give-a-f**kedness or indifference, as I have in my home country.

In Michael Palin's very first series of "Around the world in 80 days" he had a plethora of extraordinary experiences, but his most hostile encounter was the day he set foot back in the UK.

 

Thanks for your feedback.

[Touche]

I guess my confusion lies in the fact that as a culture, people may be one way but as individuals most are as the OP described, in my opinion, anyway.

[Nikki Sahagin]

That's why I asked.

I suspected as much.

 

England was classified in a Poll, done for the Times newspaper in June 2007, as one of the most unfriendly places in Europe.

 

I've lived in France, Italy, Norway and spent two months in japan.

never in any of these places, have I encountered as much coldness, hostility, give-a-f**kedness or indifference, as I have in my home country.

In Michael Palin's very first series of "Around the world in 80 days" he had a plethora of extraordinary experiences, but his most hostile encounter was the day he set foot back in the UK.

 

Thanks for your feedback.

 

No problem! Don't think you can track me down and stalk me with me just saying i'm from London! I just find it difficult - i'm naturally a warmer person. I think I have a bit more of a Meditereanian (spl?) temperament; I like physical affection, greetings, cuddles, MANNERS, consideration. I rarely find this in London. When I do it's like gold dust. It's such a depressing way of life. How can you cope with it?

[carhill]

OP, think of it this way. The indifference you suffer makes those gems of humanity who "get it" the way you do all that more special. Focus your energy on valuing the positive rather than lamenting the negative.

 

I've found a simple philosophy to work well. Humans are merely one insignificant part of the cosmos, myself included, and I decide who emerges from that insignificance for me. All else remains insignificant. Think of it like how you scan the posts/threads on LS and decide which are significant for you, like I found this one and responded. My silence would have been irrelevant to you, right? IMO, that's healthy.

 

BTW, I've never lived in the UK but have visited there a number of times and found the people to have the same diversity of being that those here in the U.S. do. Lots of variety

[Nikki Sahagin]

Actually SS I agree with you - I think it is very much a city thing. I guess people from rural areas, well there's that stereotype of a real warm, friendly, involved community. Everyone knows everyone. The city is so vast and overpopulated and often so segregated in every way possible; gender, sexuality, race, religion, spirituality and so on that it's almost impossible to make a true connection or feel a true affiliation to somebody. It's like finding a needle in a haystack. You never see the same face twice. And unless you have a real security within yourself or with those around you, it's a very allienating, disjointed sort of a place you're forced into.

[Trialbyfire]

You're no different than anyone else, OP. You also have moments of negative energy. Is it possible that you're solely looking at the negative moments for other people and judging them as a whole based on those moments? Could the same be said for yourself?

 

Overall, live your life the way you want. Eject negative influences and retain positive influences. If you feel the need to help someone else, do it. If you don't, don't. You can't control your environment but you can control yourself.

[Nikki Sahagin]

You're no different than anyone else, OP. You also have moments of negative energy. Is it possible that you're solely looking at the negative moments for other people and judging them as a whole based on those moments? Could the same be said for yourself?

 

Overall, live your life the way you want. Eject negative influences and retain positive influences. If you feel the need to help someone else, do it. If you don't, don't. You can't control your environment but you can control yourself.

 

I agree - I do have a lot of negative energy, probably more than most. I think I am focusing on the negative because my life has changed so much this past year. I always say last year was my year of beginnings and potentials and this is my year of endings and disapointments. So I probably am noticing the negatives more. I suppose I find it hard to let go of the negative instead of to hoard it!

[carhill]

TBH, I've spent little time in London, rather in Newcastle, Southampton and touring western England and Wales. Big cities overwhelm me Heck, just the bus station at Heathrow overwhelms me

 

Personally, I found that traveling all over the world has given me better perspective on that alienation and disjointed feeling. To me, people are people everywhere and there all always gems of continuity to be discovered. The best way to make a friend is to be a friend

[Nikki Sahagin]

TBH, I've spent little time in London, rather in Newcastle, Southampton and touring western England and Wales. Big cities overwhelm me Heck, just the bus station at Heathrow overwhelms me

 

Personally, I found that traveling all over the world has given me better perspective on that alienation and disjointed feeling. To me, people are people everywhere and there all always gems of continuity to be discovered. The best way to make a friend is to be a friend

 

Thankyou Carhill I agree that big cities can be overwhelming. Sometimes I love that feeling; they sort of impress you and they can seem so full of opportunity and potential. But sometimes they give the opposite and feel intimidating and foreboding. I think the travel thing would be good for me but i'm a weird one. I crave excitement and newness and yet I also crave security and fear change! The craziness of being human I guess!

[carhill]

The desire for the familiar is intrinsic. It's healthy. The growth is discovering the new can become the familiar. There are two things I've learned from my many years of traveling the world solo. First, my fears of it were groundless. Once immersed I was never afraid. Overwhelmed sometimes, perhaps . Second, I was never alone. There was always a new friend to be made; a new adventure to be shared. Every doubt was within me. Now, antithetically, I find solace in the chaos and peace in the uncertainty. Interesting journey it has been

[Trialbyfire]

Nikki, I was thinking about this a little more. It's okay to have standards, as long as you also walk the walk. Holding other people to higher standards than you're capable of living up to, is hypocritical.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Nikki, I was thinking about this a little more. It's okay to have standards, as long as you also walk the walk. Holding other people to higher standards than you're capable of living up to, is hypocritical.

 

I fully agree with this. I think overall I do but possibly at times, I do lose sight of my faults and focus purely on others. To be honest though I am very self-aware. I think I know myself quite well. Just some parts of me contradict with the other parts!

[Taramere]

No problem! Don't think you can track me down and stalk me with me just saying i'm from London! I just find it difficult - i'm naturally a warmer person. I think I have a bit more of a Meditereanian (spl?) temperament; I like physical affection, greetings, cuddles, MANNERS, consideration. I rarely find this in London. When I do it's like gold dust. It's such a depressing way of life. How can you cope with it?

 

When I was 20, I was moving from one flat to another (in London), and although all I had to move was clothes, make up, books etc, it was still a huge amount to carry. Two enormous bags. I was trying to get a cab, and I'd come down with some sort of flu. So I could barely walk. The combination of the large bags and the illness probably made me give out a "girl in trouble" vibe, because I've never in my life encountered so much in the way of coldness, nastiness and dirty looks as I got that day. And it wasn't even the rush hour. As I recall, it was a Sunday - and the only person who was remotely nice to me was a guy who was quite evidently a pimp.

 

The lesson? When in London, never look as though you're genuinely in need of help. Ensure that your baggage (both literal and metaphorical) doesn't look heavy...and try to avoid the city during rush hour and times of personal trauma.

 

I've spent a few periods of time living in London, and I think the rush hour commuting is the very worst, most soulless things about it. Waiting for a tube first thing in the morning. When it approaches, you can see that every carriage is practically bursting at the seams with people. The doors open and you're faced with that untidy pile of squashed bodies, briefcases and faces whose expressions range from pitifully resignation to blatant hostility and resentment that you should have the temerity to try to squeeze yourself on rather than going into work late and getting sacked.

There have been times I've been battling my way onto a carriage like that, wondering why I even bothered having a shower that morning, and I've received a few surreptitiously delivered shoves aimed to stop me getting in. One time I felt a hand trying to push me off the train like that, I totally sank my nails into it - and heard a satisfying yelp.

 

 

 

You'll get into the way of it, Nikki.

[Touche]

I think it's ok to have higher standards than one is willing/able to live up to. Call it what you will. It's up to other people whether they're willing to accept that or not.

 

To give an example, I really think in many ways my H is a better person than I am. In other ways I am "better" than he is.

 

What's so wrong with wanting a mate for example, who is better than I am in certain areas? It makes for a good balance.

 

We all get to decide who we will and won't let into our lives and what is and isn't acceptable to us...regardless of our behavior. That's absolutely irrelevant.

 

One can label things any way they want to.

[Taramere]

PS - sorry about all the gobbledygook at the top of my post. I have no idea what caused that. London Underground must have hacked into my pc or something.

[Trialbyfire]

I fully agree with this. I think overall I do but possibly at times, I do lose sight of my faults and focus purely on others. To be honest though I am very self-aware. I think I know myself quite well. Just some parts of me contradict with the other parts!

You're human, thus imperfect, just like everyone else. Just remember to take people as a whole, not just the odd acting out. Even if the other person's attitudes or opinions differ from yours, it doesn't mean they're horrible people. What it might mean is that the two of you are incompatible personality types, so you stay away from each other.

 

On the flipside, I've seen some pretty horrific, petty, self/externally destructive and selfish individuals, who live their lives pretending kindness and caring. These are the kinds of people who are best left alone. Run for your life!

[Nikki Sahagin]

When I was 20, I was moving from one flat to another (in London), and although all I had to move was clothes, make up, books etc, it was still a huge amount to carry. Two enormous bags. I was trying to get a cab, and I'd come down with some sort of flu. So I could barely walk. The combination of the large bags and the illness probably made me give out a "girl in trouble" vibe, because I've never in my life encountered so much in the way of coldness, nastiness and dirty looks as I got that day. And it wasn't even the rush hour. As I recall, it was a Sunday - and the only person who was remotely nice to me was a guy who was quite evidently a pimp.

 

The lesson? When in London, never look as though you're genuinely in need of help. Ensure that your baggage (both literal and metaphorical) doesn't look heavy...and try to avoid the city during rush hour and times of personal trauma.

 

I've spent a few periods of time living in London, and I think the rush hour commuting is the very worst, most soulless things about it. Waiting for a tube first thing in the morning. When it approaches, you can see that every carriage is practically bursting at the seams with people. The doors open and you're faced with that untidy pile of squashed bodies, briefcases and faces whose expressions range from pitifully resignation to blatant hostility and resentment that you should have the temerity to try to squeeze yourself on rather than going into work late and getting sacked.

There have been times I've been battling my way onto a carriage like that, wondering why I even bothered having a shower that morning, and I've received a few surreptitiously delivered shoves aimed to stop me getting in. One time I felt a hand trying to push me off the train like that, I totally sank my nails into it - and heard a satisfying yelp.

 

 

 

You'll get into the way of it, Nikki.

 

Isn't that the sad crux of it though - we have to get into the way of it! It's sort of like caveman times when you actually had a use for that aggression but now in modern and supposedly civil society, it all comes spilling out! I think I get very frustrated and angry but i've never felt comfortable taking it out on others too extremely - I put it more inwardly which is just as bad.