jborne Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 I have been married for 6 years to a wife that would do anything for me. I would say for the last two years I just feel like I dont love her anymore. I'm not attracted to her anymore. I care about her but don't have feelings for her anymore. I'm just not happy and don't feel like being married to her. We build a house together in 06 and her parents and my parents helped alot. I really feel bad about possibly selling it. I used to be a auto mechanic. Back in January a woman I work with asked me how much it would cost to paint her bumpers on her truck. I told her I would have to look to see if they were too far gone to paint or not. I checked them and the were to rusted to repaint. I got her 2 new bumpers and had them powdercoated (better than paint). She was very garteful. Ever since that time she would talk to me alot and we would joke around at work sometimes sexually. She is 14 years older than me Married and has a 16 year old son. Soon I was the only man other than her husband she trusted. I would tell her things about my past and she would tell me. She has been struggling with an alcohol addiction for a few years she says is because she is unhappy with her marrage. I have been trying to help her with it keeping her positive making her feel good and she is doing better. It wasen't long before our feelings turned sexual. We both work 3rd shift and our spouses are away at work during the day. After a extra depressing day at work she came over to my house. She said she wanted to have sex with me. We could just have sex from time to time when we needed it. There would be no real feelings just sex. No intrest in leaving our spouses. This went on for a couple months. Starting with every other week to every week to somtimes twice a week. We even used vacation days and spent the night together at motels.As time went on we started loving each other. I was calling her every morning to try to keep her from drinking when she got home from work. I would also send her text messages on the weekends to see how she was. My wife found the records on our cell bill and questioned me. I told her it was a friend with a drinking problem and I am helping. She was ok with it. This week her husband found the records and questioned her. She told him the same story of how I was helping her and was just a friend. The next day he stayed home from work and guilted her in to telling the truth. He wanted her to go to AA and a family councler to work thing out. She has her mind made up its over and she will never love him again. She is now looking for a place to live. I feel like its my fault but she keeps telling me it would of happened sooner or later anyway. I feel like I should tell my wife and get divorced so I can be with her. She keeps telling me I don't have too she will be ok and if I really want to be with her some day I will. I don't know what too do now. I wouldn't just leave my wife fast. I would make sure everything is taken care of and I know it wouldn't be ugly. I really do care about this woman and she cares about me. I'm thinking about her every minuite of every day. I know my family will hate me for awhile but would hope they want me to be happy. Sorry this was so long you are the first people I have told this.
quankanne Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 WHOA THERE, NELLY! as much as you want to help this woman, your primary obligation is to your marriage – divided loyalties have no place in a marriage. you owe it to your wife – and yourself – to get your butt to counseling (marriage and individual) and fight like hell to get your marriage back on track. And be honest with your wife about the affair so her decision is based on what's really going on, don't leave her wondering what happened to what she otherwise thought was a happy marriage. in the meantime, cut off all contact with the other woman. You might think you love her and that you need her, but your obligation is not to her (see above). Because until you get your marital situation straightened out, you have no right to be sniffing around other skirts. as for "not being in love with" your wife anymore ... there may be truth to that, or you may have just confused love with chemistry. However, you're no good to your wife OR a new woman if you keep walking away from situations you're not happy with, you need to resolve them before moving on, if moving on is what you're meant to do. I know this is harsh, but it is meant in the spirit of tough love so that you get your mind off of how much greener it is on the other side of the fence when chances are, your pasture is perfectly fine. YOUR MARRIAGE DESERVES BETTER THAN WHAT YOU'VE BEEN GIVING IT.
Author jborne Posted November 12, 2008 Author Posted November 12, 2008 It just feels like it's my fault she is leaving and the only right thing to do is to do what I have to to be with her......
mark982 Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 life w/ a alcholic can be interesting, to say the least.you met by cheating, what makes you so sure she won't do the same to you?
Author jborne Posted November 12, 2008 Author Posted November 12, 2008 She has said she is afraid if she stays she will drink herself to death. There have been many times they went out drinking and he drove them home. This makes me feel physially sick. She said she wants to quit drinking and will get help to do it after she is away from him. I just keep thinking we will probably end up together, she will quit drinking and be happy.
dead-dyke Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Dude, trust me. With him, or you, she will drink herself to death. It's what they do. there is no saving somebody that doesn't want to save themselves. You will regret EVERYTHING. Plus, if you've ever been cheated on, you would know what it feels like. I'm going to say, you havn't been. What then? Will you feel equally as bad when your wife will be tempted to do A,B,or C to kill herself? Remember the vows you took? If your wife did that to yoou, there'd be hell to pay, woudn't there? Think about it.
lkjh Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Let me get this straight, because you cheated with her and she left her H; you feel its your duty to take care of her and leave your wife. Now you feel this is the right thing to do(be with her). Your sense of loyalty is really misplaced. Where is this loyalty when it comes to your wife and your M.
imagine Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Solid advice so far. 1. As Quank pointed out, if your marriage wasn't so rosy, why did you not start there instead of fiddling in someone else's garden. 2. You violated privileges of a confident and took advantage of someone who was emotionally strained. 3. You willfully conspired to betray her husband. 4. And you have fallen into the textbook trap of manipulation by a substance abuser. 5. Oh, and thanks to your dalliances, YOU are now in a state of limerance (look it up) or "infatuation" which will naturally depress desire to get back to your betrayed wife and family in order to chase your fantasy. 6. Check out marriagebuiders.com. Read the articles. Come back and ask us to help. 7. Good for you for writing this in. You KNOW something is wrong. We will try and help find your horizon.
mark982 Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 i'm with dead dyke on this, if she wanted to quit, she'd just quit, do meetings whatever. she's just using this as a excuse. she'll drag you down. RUN while you can.
greengoddess Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 It just feels like it's my fault she is leaving and the only right thing to do is to do what I have to to be with her...... and what about your wife? Who will she turn to to pick her up? I think you need to tell your wife. Enjoy your old alcoholic and start a new life with her. Let your wife move on and find someone who truly loves her. By the way you are wrong if you think all will go well with a divorce from your wife. She will hate you for lying and cheating on her every single day. People do not get over that kind of deceit. She will not remain your friend and will hire a shark of a divorce attorney. You are living in fantasyland. Please, please tell your wife and save this poor woman. Just think maybe after you tell her she will turn to alcohol and some knight in shining armor will rescue her.
Author jborne Posted November 13, 2008 Author Posted November 13, 2008 I also want everyone to know that she was married for 18 years. When she found out she was pregnant she went to AA and didn't drink a drop for 12 years. Her marrage has been on the rocks for the last 6 years. They tried councling and it seemed to help for awhile but eventually ended up poor again. She has been drinking for the last 6 years. I know this probably dosen't change your opinions but if I am asking for them I want you to know all the facts. She swears as soon as she is away from him she will get whatever help she has to to quit for good.
Geishawhelk Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 Tell her to get help now. Not hold that over your head like a hammer. And you - you get back to your wife and deal with that issue. You seem to studiously be ignoring that aspect of the advice you've received here.......
dead-dyke Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 I can promise you one thing. Promise. All will feel great in the beginning. Aside of dealing w/ that nuisance wife of yours whilst getting into your new life. But - If you are really in love, it will take a bit. But you WILL regret not fixing your marriage, or dealing w/ it differently. I speak objectively and subjectively. My marriage was torn apart. An alcoholic had a hand in it. Not all, but it played a roll. You know who my wife is trying to save, to this day? Sorry, ex - wife. That's right. An alcoholic. Guess who keeps getting on and off the wagon? That's right. The friend she was desperately trying to save. I don't know what her family thinks about it, and frankly, it doesn't matter anymore. Whether or not she is regretting her choice, beats me. Point is, when all this started, and it wasn't all this that tore my marriage open, but she was so hard lined going to save this guy, because he was a mutual friend, she didn't give our marriage any chance. She made her decision. So, she is dealing w/ an alcoholic that she can't take anywhere, that manipulates her, and the endless cycle that goes w/ it. I thought she couldn't be happy, but, I am likely wrong, or she'd never admit it. She never will admit it to me, that's for sure. But hey - it's your choice. But at least be fair to your wife. The betrayal will almost kill her if she loved you.
greengoddess Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 Possibly her marriage is a mess because of the drinking not the reverse. Alcoholics make excuses. Her next one will be pressure from divorce, pressure from your divorce etc etc. She's not stron enough to quit drinking. If she was she would not make excuses. She would clean herself up and get out of her marriage or fix it. TELL YOUR WIFE!!! This is not fair to her. You are wasting precious years of your wifes life screwing around with someone else. It is the most selfish thing you can possibly do.
dead-dyke Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 Possibly her marriage is a mess because of the drinking not the reverse. Alcoholics make excuses. Her next one will be pressure from divorce, pressure from your divorce etc etc. She's not stron enough to quit drinking. If she was she would not make excuses. She would clean herself up and get out of her marriage or fix it. TELL YOUR WIFE!!! This is not fair to her. You are wasting precious years of your wifes life screwing around with someone else. It is the most selfish thing you can possibly do. I agree w/ this. There will be an onslaught of 'triggers'. At least my ex gets 3 month vacations from him when he goes to rehab. If he doesn't get kicked out for drinking, that is.
Author jborne Posted November 14, 2008 Author Posted November 14, 2008 I'm not ignoring you guys, I appreciate everything you said so far. I'm just scared to death and not sure what I'm going to do yet.
dead-dyke Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Yours is a position I don't envy. That's for sure. I wouldn't know what to do either, if I were in this situation. I can only speak from experience, of the hurt this will bring. Everyone makes mistakes. There are no exceptions to this rule. It's how it's dealt with that will determine everybodys' worth. Nobody is perfect, and which ever way you choose, I wish you luck. I'm not preaching, or judging you. It takes a lot of guts to come here, express your problem, and stick out the harsh words that will be spoken to you. I've seen some people turn tail and run, at the first sign of criticism, so that speaks for itself. People are going to be hurt regardless, and you may even be surprised at how hurt you will be as well. I'm sure it's overwhelming. There is no easy way out.
sumdude Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 You can't save anyone who doesn't want to save themselves. You can't own their problems or feel guilt for their own decisions. You might want to take a big step back from it all and really look at why you're attracted to this woman. That feeling of being needed? The strange excitement that comes from being with someone who is an emotional roller coaster? One thing that i see missing is why exactly you've 'fallen out of love' with your wife. Was this happening before you hooked up with this other woman or was it after the forbidden became so intriguing? Was you marriage okay before this happened? I've had some struggles with drinking and it contributed to the demise of my marriage.. it was one factor. Try try try to use the brain that's upstairs.. not the other one.
Author jborne Posted November 14, 2008 Author Posted November 14, 2008 I met my wife in high school in 11th grade. We sat together in algerba class. All through school I was shy and never had a real girlfriend. She was the first to show intrest in me so I bascially jumped at the oppertunity. We dated for 7 years before we were married. We bascially share none of the same intrests. We never go away together. I work third shift and have alot of mandatory overtime she works day shift and has none. I pretty much feel like I'm going to die every minute I am awake. In the last 2 weeks I lost almost 8lbs because I start thinking about what I'm going to do every time I sit down to eat and feel sick. It just seems like she was acting the way I wanted her to untill we got married and now she is comfortable being herself. I did talk to her a couple of weeks ago. I said I think we should sell our house pay it off (worth more than we owe) pay our bills and split whats left and go our seperate ways. She told me the next day she couldn't imagine her life without me in it. She would go to any kind of councling I wanted. I just dont feel like I love her anymore and it wouldn't be worth it.
zdad Posted November 15, 2008 Posted November 15, 2008 I have been married for 6 years to a wife that would do anything for me. I would say for the last two years I just feel like I dont love her anymore. I'm not attracted to her anymore. I don't think anyone really addressed this part of your message. Love changes, your relationship changes. You are in the romantic part of love again with this new person, which feels good, but it too will change. Drinking alcohol is only one aspect of the personality of an alcoholic. It is almost always paired with the trait of looking for the source of all his/her problems out outside of themselves. "If only X, then I wouldn't (drink so much/feel so bad/feel angry all the time/...)." You will find lots of things substituted for "X". And what really hurts so bad is that after you sacrifice time and time again to remove those external things from the alcoholic's life, the alcoholic will determine that the problem is you.
dazedandconfused2008 Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 What happens when she does overcome her drinking problem? Where will you come in after that? I think you are making a big big mistake. Not only have you betrayed your marriage...you are going to be losing way more than that in the end. The grass isnt always greener on the other side. People dont pass down these sayings for nothing. You are not appreciating your wife, your family, the life that you had together. You dont see it now and you probably wont for a long time. But give it a few months or even a few years and you will be looking back at this and thinking if i could only do it over and differently. Its your choice but in the end, everything has a way of coming out eventually and whatever choice you make to stay or go, there will be hurt.
Fearful Wife Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 All of you who are telling Jborne to tell his W about his affair, I completely disagree. Cheaters who confess do so to unburden themselves, and bring their own pain onto their spouse. Spare her the pain. Make your decision about whether to leave or to stay, but don't tell her about your affair. How would that help her? You would only cause her irrevocable pain, something she would never, ever get over if she loves you as much as you say. If you choose to stay, you can commit to being honest from that point forward. I don't subscribe to the idea of a marriage in which you have no privacy. Your affair is your own private business unless you have not had safe sex. Then you have to tell her. I can tell from your original post that you are confused and in a lot of pain. I know how awful it feels to think you are falling out of love with your spouse. I think you need time and space. I agree that you should not rush to your GF's side. What about a limited separation from your wife? Time to be alone and think. I also recommend a book called WHEN GOOD PEOPLE HAVE AFFAIRS by Mira Kirshenbaum. She does not condone affairs but recognizes that they are sometimes an unhappy person's way of signaling that there is something seriously wrong with their primary relationship. If you have the energy to explore all that might be wrong with your marriage, then invest in MC.
dead-dyke Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 All of you who are telling Jborne to tell his W about his affair, I completely disagree. Cheaters who confess do so to unburden themselves, and bring their own pain onto their spouse. Spare her the pain. Make your decision about whether to leave or to stay, but don't tell her about your affair. How would that help her? You would only cause her irrevocable pain, something she would never, ever get over if she loves you as much as you say. If you choose to stay, you can commit to being honest from that point forward. I don't subscribe to the idea of a marriage in which you have no privacy. Your affair is your own private business marriage ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? I am not sure about this................................................ If your partner in law firm is embezzling funds, the honest one shouldn't know, because it's not their business too. BUH. I'm not saying what I don't know, won't kill me, but this is not playing on equal ground. I don't have the proper advice, because I don't know the best solution, but that doesn't seem fair at all.
pelicanpreacher Posted November 16, 2008 Posted November 16, 2008 I can promise you one thing. Promise. All will feel great in the beginning. Aside of dealing w/ that nuisance wife of yours whilst getting into your new life. But - If you are really in love, it will take a bit. But you WILL regret not fixing your marriage, or dealing w/ it differently. I speak objectively and subjectively. My marriage was torn apart. An alcoholic had a hand in it. Not all, but it played a roll. You know who my wife is trying to save, to this day? Sorry, ex - wife. That's right. An alcoholic. Guess who keeps getting on and off the wagon? That's right. The friend she was desperately trying to save. I don't know what her family thinks about it, and frankly, it doesn't matter anymore. Whether or not she is regretting her choice, beats me. Point is, when all this started, and it wasn't all this that tore my marriage open, but she was so hard lined going to save this guy, because he was a mutual friend, she didn't give our marriage any chance. She made her decision. So, she is dealing w/ an alcoholic that she can't take anywhere, that manipulates her, and the endless cycle that goes w/ it. I thought she couldn't be happy, but, I am likely wrong, or she'd never admit it. She never will admit it to me, that's for sure. But hey - it's your choice. But at least be fair to your wife. The betrayal will almost kill her if she loved you. Fantastic post. Though the truth shall set you free...it ain't always pretty!
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