I thought it was the right thing to do?

[melissa123]

Yup me again!

I promise to make this short and im sorry to hog all the posts, im just hurting so so so bad right now.

 

Im sure you all know my heartache story.

 

But what I just dont understand is that I though it was the right thing to do at the time, but now ive never felt so shattered.

 

Just to fill you in quickly. Things had been great but he never really paid much attention to me and what I was up to.

I actually bent over backwards to make him happy. And im not just saying this because I want you to take pity on me, I am dead serious. I can swear on my life that I did absolutly everything I could to make him happy.

 

I Spent a ton of money buying him small gifts to let him know I was thinking of him and made surprise trips to see him all the time. I never once got anything back. I let it go however, maybe he had no money and was to busy to visit me.

 

However the emotional support began to crumble aswell. He got worse and worse and contacting and would go days ignoring me, I would only txt him once with no reply as I thought maybe he needed space. By about the third day I would get upset and ask him what was going on, only to be snapped at and accused of being grumpy.

He stopped asking about me all together. I tried to make him interested by telling him for example I had a big exam or job interview but he would ignore me and never asked how it went.

 

All this time I was bending over backwards to make him happy, I would send him sweet txts only to get snapped at all the time.

He seemed reallly really down all the time and I just couldnt cheer him up no matter how hard I tried.

 

I became so sad and sressed over it. I would spend my days upset and take it out on everyone else, I would be constantly worried that he was hurt or off with someone else due to him ignoring me. I only ever asked once if there was someone else and he said no and not to ask again because my insecurity will drive him away.

 

The turning point came for me he had a go at me before my final exam and totally stressed me out and made me cry. He had been sick so I contacted him saying that I hope hes geting better and that to remember he means the world to me. He didn't ever reply so I contacted again 15hours later and he just snapped at me.

 

Later the next day I broke my fingers and went to tell him, only to get a 'hehe' two hours later. I was upset and said 'is that is?' to which I got 'sorry its just funny'

 

So I just couldnt take the hurt and worring anymore. I rung him to try and sort it. I asked if he was still interested in trying, he said 'i duno' I asked if he would be more willing to put in the effort and he said 'probably not coz im lazy and a dick' He ended it there.

 

I thought that it was the right thing to do and that I would feel better but I am utterly devastated. I cant eat or sleep and im just cry 24/7. I thought it would make me feel better but I feel even worse. I simply feel like dying. I love him to bits and I regret making that phone call more than anything.

I just want him back, I miss him like crazy.

When thigs were working it was perfect and he was all I wanted, I had never been so happy in my life.

 

Why am I like this? Would it be wise to try and work things out again? I just want him back. Hes my life and I feel dreadful for the way things are now.

 

Thanks so much for reading and any replies, I really cant tell you how much they help!

[melissa123]

Please answer me

I woke up this morning and I felt like someone had put a knife through my heart

I have obviously done the wrong thing in initiating that phone call otherwise I wouldnt be feeling this way.

I simply need him back.

So how do I do this?

[openbook08]

melissa love you dont need him back

hes not worth your love or your time

I wasted so much time with someone similar, same as you, wouldve done near anything for him, always making sure he was happy, he was ok...ya I did the little gifts & the surprise dinners & if I saw anything that I knew hed love or be interested in Id be so excited to tell him.... Dam I was a great girlf. But he finished with me & like you right now it hurt like hell....until slowly (and it does take time) I began to see him for what he really was. Ya like you I looked out for him but who looked out for me (and you) in return?? certainly not him!!Im so much "happier" in myself (like you Id take out the frustration on family / friends/ in work except I didnt even realise it) I can truly say now that Im better off without him than with him. It wasnt long ago so I wont kid ya & say its all sunshine&roses there will be sad days but they get less & less intense.... No contact is what worked best for me. Make lots of plans make sure every weekend is busy busy do things you normally wouldnt do....

And when you least expect it youll be living again & maybe even enjoying it. Im happily single now...and Ive met some great guys who've made me feel a million dollars within just a few hours of conversation & I realised I was missing that for a long time. Give him up sweetheart theres so much better waiting for you out there X

[melissa123]

Thanks openbook

 

I know that he doesn't sound like he is worth it from my post but he really is. I actually cant see there being anyone else out there for me. And I dont want anyone else.

We matched perfectly.

Ive just finished my last exam for the summer and all my friends leave tomorrow to go home. I am all alone now.

The feeling is utterly overwhelming. One of those where you are beyond crying.

I just tried soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo insanely hard to make both him and I happy and it all got thrown back in my face. I feel like absolute crap. Like my very best possible efforts have just been thrown in my face.

 

I have a feeling there was someone else involved in this and it just rips me to shreads to know that despite everything I did and my absolute best efforts there is still someone better than me.

[Vince Black]

Melissa .... there is no one better than you

first things first ........ take care of yourself

 

you sound like a dream come true...do not waste what you have to offer on someone who is not interested in you or who will not reciprocate your feelings

 

the only person crying over this relationship should be him..... and in the end it will be

 

I know the pain--we have all been there-- fight through it keep your head up

[melissa123]

Thnks Vince

 

I know I sound like a bit of a nut case on here. I am actually normal in real life. Just have totally lost my head over this breakup.

 

Thing thats just getting me down so much is that he so much happier without me.

I dont meam to blow my own trumpet at all but if it were reversed I would be thrilled that someone cared enough to buy me small presents all the time, take surprise trips to see me and always tried their best to make me happy.

I dont understand how he could be 'so happy' without me.

I really did try my best.

 

I just wish so much he would see this and appreciate me. He never appreciated me once despite my best efforts and it just sucks.

 

And its not like I bombared him either, it he didn't reply I would leave it at that, I would never harase him.

 

ahh i just cant work it out!!!!!!!!!????????????????? I dont see where I went wrong! How can I fix it if I dont see where I went wrong?!

 

Do you have any ideas>??

[bubblegum]

I've been following your threads Melissa and my heart goes out to you. There's nothing you can fix that'll make everything better. There never is. Besides, you tried asking him that, and all he had to say was that he's a selfish d*ck.

 

Have you contacted him at all since then?

[melissa123]

Thanks bubblegum.

 

No I haven't contacted him since, Im scared he will be all cold and angry at me and if hes not i'll probably get the wrong idea and I dont trust myself not to beg!

Seen as you have been following my posts what do you think of the situation? Is he worth all the hassle and tears?

Sometimes I just need someone else to tell me coz I just cant see it myself, I can only remember good times and my heartbreaks.

[bubblegum]

GOOD! I'm so glad you haven't contacted him! He needs to really feel what it's like without your connection, and he needs to realize that it was he that pushed you away.

 

Meanwhile, you need to move through this desperate/hopeless/I can't live without him phase, so that if/when you have contact with him again you WILL be able to trust yourself to handle things rationally, not out of emotions and fear.

 

Does he sound worth it? Right now, no. Not just because of your last conversation with him, but because of how he's been treating you for a long time now. Snapping at you was a sign. Saying Ha ha when you broke your finger was terrible. It's a small thing, but it's a BIG SIGN that he's a little selfish and not concerned about YOU. Meanwhile, I bet if some pretty neighbor of his broke her finger and he ran into her at the mailbox he wouldn't say HAHA! He's show some sympathy for sure. He should've treated you better than other women, not worse.

 

When you are stuck in the middle of this horrible pain, try to recall how many times over the months he HAS NOT BEEN THERE FOR YOU. NOW is not when he left you -- he left the relationship a long time ago, but was too chicken/selfish to bother telling you. He chose to be mean and rude instead.

[konfuzd]

Melissa, how old are you? How long were you with this guy?

 

I dont meam to blow my own trumpet at all but if it were reversed I would be thrilled that someone cared enough to buy me small presents all the time, take surprise trips to see me and always tried their best to make me happy.

I dont understand how he could be 'so happy' without me.

 

Maybe he felt smothered by all the things you did for him, maybe it's not the type of relationship he goes for. Maybe he wants someone who lives closer to him. Whatever it is, there is nothing you can do to make a guy fall for you. Even a magic genie can't make someone fall in love.

 

If these things are what you'd be thrilled by, why don't you find it? Why would you want someone who doesn't reciprocate these things? Maybe right now you don't feel as if you can do better, but it's because your mind is so focussed on this self proclaimed Dick, but I can guarantee you there are guys who will put in as much effort as you did into this guy.

 

If you don't get out of this rut soon, I'd highly suggest therapy, because you have to have a really low self esteem to pine after someone who never gave you much attention. You are causing yourself health problems over someone who doesn't even deserve the time of day.

[Vince Black]

"ahh i just cant work it out!!!!!!!!!????????????????? I dont see where I went wrong! How can I fix it if I dont see where I went wrong?!"

 

You did nothing wrong

It's not your fault

You did nothing wrong

You did nothing wrong

You did nothing wrong

 

You did everything right....and that's all you can ask of yourself

That's all i ask of anyone in a relationship

 

Do the right things

Give it your all

It doesn't work ...............it doesn't work

 

You cant fix that.

If you did do something wrong i would hook u up with the answer.

[melissa123]

Thanks bubblegum.

 

I really appreciate your help.

I can totally see that he left it a while ago but it totally doing my head in to try and understand why! He hes been horrible to me for a good while. I tried to end it a few days before we actually broke up and he freaked out and send me all these sweet txts about how much I mean to him & he promised he would try more.

 

Then he ignored me for 3 days!!!!!!

 

One thing that im really angry about is the he broke up with me in the middle of exams! I could never do that to someone! No matter how bad things were I would hold off until they finished!!

 

Do you think he will ever realise what I gave? I feel awful that my best efforts weren't even recongised! Why cant he see this!!

 

And yes I do agree with you that he is a bit selfish, before I went out with him I actually thought this of him. He would run hot and cold, sometimes very nice but other times extremelly rude and selfish. I was always scared to talk to him incase I got him on a bad day. Then when he started going after me he was very sweet and never angry so I thought it would be ok.

 

Even if he doesn't want to come back I just wish so much that he would recongise and appreciate all my efforts. I feel like ive wasted all that time and its an awful feeling!

I really feel like becoming selfish myself now and not being nice to pple anymore, because why bother?

 

I just want him to seee that he let it go not me! He is running around saying he dumped me and feels great! Its like a dagger to the heart after everything I did.

[melissa123]

Thanks konfuzd and vince.

 

I am 20.

 

I tried not to smother him, I gave him space if he needed it. I Would never harasse him, if he didnt reply I left it! Untill it got to about 3 days ignorance, then I would try again.

I dont know, but from a males perspective would you want a gf that made a lot of effort like I did? Or is it better if there is a next time to just leave them alone and let them do all the work?

Dont some males like to do all the work?

I wouldn't normally try so hard with someone, its just that he never tried at all so I had to go all out to make it work!!

 

Your right again that I am pinning over someone who never gave me much attention, I just seem to only be able to remember the good times and it shatters me.

 

Thanks vince for the reassurance! I hope your right!!

[PrincessPeach]

I know many people say this, and you might not feel or think this way now, but as time passes you will get over him, you will be happy with your life and you will find someone else to care about and who will care about you in return.

 

You didn't waste your time. What's done is in the past. Continue beiong the nice person you are, no need to become selfish yourself. As life goes on you will find many people who appreciate you kindness and dedication. Those are the people you will enjoy being around anyway.

 

He may be saying that it feels great to have dumped you, but that just a shield to make himself feel better. he may not miss you now, but in the future he WILL think about you and what he gave up, though don't count on him to show his regret, just know that eventually he will feel it.

[bubblegum]

You'll probably never know why -- it's what we all ask ourselves. At this moment in time I doubt he knows why -- he's obviously not never in touch with his feelings if he's the hot and cold type -- just nice or mean, not aware of what's going on inside to let himself experience any middle ground.

 

He probably was all sweet when you tried breaking it off first because he didn't like the feeling of you being out of his control. The second he got that feeling back he reverted to ignoring you, basically willing you to come back and plead with him for more attention -- ah hah! in his control again! The cherry on top of his inconsideration is that he broke up in the middle of your exams. Just underlining his selfishness.

 

The fear you had of him because of his mood swings was another way of exerting control over you. He could make sure you approached him the way HE wanted, WHEN he wanted, IF he wanted, etc.

 

Will he realize what he lost and how much you gave him? Eventually. He'll realize it sooner if you back off completely (LIKE YOU HAVE!!!) and let him stew. Right now he's walking around saying he dumped you and he feels great -- very immature, first of all, and second... I smell BS. People don't have to announce things like that if it's true.

[PrincessPeach]

I tried not to smother him, I gave him space if he needed it. I Would never harasse him, if he didnt reply I left it! Untill it got to about 3 days ignorance, then I would try again.

I dont know, but from a males perspective would you want a gf that made a lot of effort like I did? Or is it better if there is a next time to just leave them alone and let them do all the work?

Dont some males like to do all the work?

A healthy relationship should have a balance between both partners putting in effort. One might put in more than the other, but both sides should still be putting in effort to the relationship to make it work.

 

A lot of effort is good, and will help you feel attached to who you are putting effort toward. Just make sure your partner can and does put in some effort too. One side should never have to do all the work and likewise one side should never feel like they aren't or don't need to do any of the work.

[melissa123]

Thanks bubble gum

Gosh that last post made me feel alot better.

He wasn't treating me right at all was he!

Even in the beginning he would not pay very much attention to me, I really couldnt be expected to do all the work without going mad!

So ok time to back off, even tho I feel terrible and horrible I need to back off.

Should I just disappear or go through a third party saying im great and have someone noew in my life?

 

I wish I could find the right guy!!!!

 

And princesspeaches thankyou for your responses to, I agree that both should put an equal effort in and the relationship was just all me putting i effort and that wasn't healthy at all.

[bubblegum]

No, he really wasn't treating you right! Being ignored and not given much attention is just as awful as being yelled at and outright bullied -- it's just a sneakier way of doing the same thing.

 

Just disappear. Don't do anything through a 3rd party. The MORE he wonders the better. Plus, at this point, he'd most likely react angrily at hearing anything positive about you, further putting up his defenses or shield as PrincessPeach said.

 

It's important that you keep in mind that you're going NC for 2 reasons. First and most important, to help yourself move ahead in the healing process and get out of the most emotionally reactive and desperate-feeling time that you're in right now. The second, a side-effect really, is that it'll quicken the chances that he'll realize sooner than later what you really offered him.

[melissa123]

ok thanks bubblegum, Ill just disappear

Its going to be so hard tho, I just wrote a txt to him 'i miss you so much, this is killing me'

Luckily I didnt send it but unfortunatly this is how i feel

I wish it would just go away.

I envy all those young couples who are in love and happy and spending the rest of their lifes together. sigh

[bubblegum]

Good, DO NOT send him that text, or any other! It'll hurt you and not help you one single solitary bit!

[ThomasX]

hey there melissa... just wanted to say im here for you. im goin through the pain too, we can beat it together. think about that when you sleep tonight-- that im sleeping through the same pain too. you arent alone-- you got us. you got me.

[melissa123]

Hey Thomas

 

Thanks for that note, How are you doing? Better than me I hope! Things have become really tough today and im not coping to well, have been thinking all day about contacting him

I just miss him so much.

[ThomasX]

Eh today was very hard. You can get a full overview of my day if you want at http://www.thomasxavier.blogspot.com

 

You don't need to contact 'em babe, you know? You gotta see this realistically. You want him because he didn't care. You think you could get him to care and work it out-- but you're chasing a ghost. The guy you love is dead. And the girl I love is dead too. Don't go chasin ghosts.

[melissa123]

Thanks Thomas

 

Just off to read your blog now

 

From a males point of view did I do something wrong? Would you have wanted a gf who shows lots of affection or do you not show lots of attention to males?

Also you have been reading my crazy posts, does he sound like a nice guy, or would the way he acts be like something you or other guys act like?

[Narf]

Thanks Thomas

 

Just off to read your blog now

 

From a males point of view did I do something wrong? Would you have wanted a gf who shows lots of affection or do you not show lots of attention to males?

Also you have been reading my crazy posts, does he sound like a nice guy, or would the way he acts be like something you or other guys act like?

 

Hey Melissa,

 

Wow your ex sounds liek mine... and i did the same as you and was forced to break up with him, when i finally made that decision (we had been together 8 years) it was the hardest thing i had ever done I loved him so so much but in the end i had to chose... Him or me.. I chose me

At first it was extremely hard we went no contact for 2 weeks then he started calling/txting, then it turned into begging for me back but that stage i couldnt go back... i wanted to and i convinced myself eventually i would be i just had to fix myself first, doing everything to make him happy and allowing myself to get so low because of his attitude and words was so very hard to take.

 

Personally i think you did the right thing!! I know how EXTREMELY hard it is and it has been a year and 1/2 since i broke up with him and it still hurts when i think of things we did together but the fact of the matter was we were to different he was a selfish ar*e that took and took and hardly ever gave back (except with Christmas present and birthday presents.. They were always expensive but that isnt what i wanted )

 

Im so so sorry you are going thru this but it does get better the pain eases and sometimes you can think rationally and see that this wasnt what was good for you

I think you need to learn to be more selfish not like him but just a bit more do what you want to do and give people a change to accept it, you would be surprised how empowered you feel when you start doing things for you and not always for someone else. Still be you but dont be a sucker any more ( when i was with him most of the time i felt like a sucker cause i did everything for him and he just didnt seem to care)

 

Anyways best of luck! you will get thru this and you will be a better person (and so will he!!) This is a reality check for both of you.. Stay strong NC all the way it is the only way he will learn... Words are lost on guys like him.. Well they were lost on my ex anyways