pandagirl Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Here I am, wanting to blow off another online date, but I'm willing myself not to, because, well, I already agreed I would go and that would just be incredibly rude of me to cancel. But, really -- I hate dating. The process of getting to know someone, see if there is chemistry, the awkwardness, the energy taken up by someone who you probably won't end up with: it all quite fruitless and boring to me. It's not that I don't find people interesting or am some misanthrope, but it's just all this pomp and circumstance and a lot of contrived behavior that I really dislike. (Or maybe I just shouldn't be doing online dating, because the whole premise of online dating is, inherently, quite contrived. But meeting people in real-life is hard to do, when you're not into the bar scene.) Not to sound conceited, but I know guys like me. I'm not a beauty, but I am cute enough, and I can usually impress them with my humor and witty banter. The problem is, guys seldom impress *me.* I know in order to find the right guy, I have to meet a lot of the wrong ones, but what if you have no patience or tolerance for that?
Isolde Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Yep, yep, yep: I agree with 95% of what you're saying here. Part of me enjoys the dating rituals, but it's hard to keep feeling that way when so many end in disappointment. I think it's important to realize that relationships don't always begin with dating. Also, you can approach first dates differently, perhaps going out with people you at least know a bit already. The latter is what I am planning to do in the future. But yeah, youre making total sense. There's definitely something a bit sad about making this effort with someone and then never seeing them again. I guess it's best not to take it too seriously.
sweetbutcheeky Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 I agree I hate it. No matter where I meet the guy just don't like the whole process. Meeting someone you don't really know, making awkward conversation because you don't have a history to pick up from, trying to figure out what the other is thinking, being nervous cause it is a date ... yuck
SadHeart79 Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Here I am, wanting to blow off another online date, but I'm willing myself not to, because, well, I already agreed I would go and that would just be incredibly rude of me to cancel. But, really -- I hate dating. The process of getting to know someone, see if there is chemistry, the awkwardness, the energy taken up by someone who you probably won't end up with: it all quite fruitless and boring to me. It's not that I don't find people interesting or am some misanthrope, but it's just all this pomp and circumstance and a lot of contrived behavior that I really dislike. (Or maybe I just shouldn't be doing online dating, because the whole premise of online dating is, inherently, quite contrived. But meeting people in real-life is hard to do, when you're not into the bar scene.) Not to sound conceited, but I know guys like me. I'm not a beauty, but I am cute enough, and I can usually impress them with my humor and witty banter. The problem is, guys seldom impress *me.* I know in order to find the right guy, I have to meet a lot of the wrong ones, but what if you have no patience or tolerance for that? Wow, finally another person who hates dating as much as I do. I totally agree with everything you are saying. I find the whole dating process a lot of hard work, I don't enjoy it at all. I don't know if it's the type of guys I am meeting online, but none of them seem genuine and all seem to be after one thing. You can email for ages back and forth about the things you are looking for ie a relationship and they seem to tell you all the right things. Then when you actually meet, turns out it was all false. Arrghhh, sometimes I just wish I could fast forward to the comfortable part of a relationship, where you know that you like each other and there are no more games!
Author pandagirl Posted November 12, 2008 Author Posted November 12, 2008 Yay! I have found like-minded individuals! haha. I hope I didn't come across bitter in my post. I totally understand that any initial relationship starts off with two people being strangers and slowly getting to know each other. But I think it's just in some people's nature to see dating as fun. Some like the newness and excitement of meeting someone for the first time. I completely do not! It's unavoidable, but add into that, I have a very specific personality (as we all do) and sense of humor and I just don't click with *people* very often, let alone men! I just want things to happen naturally and organically. The whole thing is just a chore to me.
alphamale Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 The problem is, guys seldom impress *me.* I know in order to find the right guy, I have to meet a lot of the wrong ones, but what if you have no patience or tolerance for that? i have the reverse problem, women rarely impress me but what can you do? you just go on, i guess.
edinsvet Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Tell me about it. But what are we going to do? Hang out with our married friends and their kids and listen to their lectures on why we didn't find the right one? Give up? Stay home and knit until we are 80? Doesn't sound so good to me what do you think?
D-Jam Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Here I am, wanting to blow off another online date, but I'm willing myself not to, because, well, I already agreed I would go and that would just be incredibly rude of me to cancel. First off...in reference to that other debate I've had here. I commend you on sticking to your guns when you agree to go out with someone. You get my full respect. I understand where you're coming from. Dating can be a real drag when you feel like you're just going out with people, going through the motions, and often times not even feeling anything towards this person before meeting in person, but more just feeling like you should be doing this to hopefully find a good mate. You at times feel more like staying in and watching a movie or something alone. When that happens, then it tells me it's time to take a break from it. Not make it such a high priority. Not saying you make it a big priority, but to have the site, check it regularly, answer or write emails, etc...that makes dating a priority in your life. My suggestion is as always. Set your accounts to hidden or cancel them. Then make your life about pleasing you and you alone. Do things, career, hobbies, family, friends, etc...that make you happy. Make your life to a point where it doesn't matter if you have someone or not, and having someone becomes an added bonus for your life, not a need that must be fulfilled. Dating is supposed to be fun and enjoyable...not a hassle. If you're not feeling excited about seeing someone and/or excited about the activity, then it's time to take a break from dating and instead do things that will excite you. I also suggest though in this new movement of your life, to keep things open and sociable. Don't take this moment to erect brick walls, hide in cliques, etc...and make it that no one new can meet you. Do things, have fun, try new stuff, but don't make "meeting someone" a priority or even thought. Just do stuff you love and that might leave you open to someone wanting to meet you because they see you're happy, interesting, and attractive. This is when that "you'll meet him/her when you least expect it" thing happens. It's at that point where the process doesn't feel like a process anymore and instead feels fun, exciting, and new. I know when I was online dating, I felt like I was forcing it. Forcing myself to meet someone for the sake of having someone, and I realized I wasn't happy...so I stopped and felt much happier doing things my own way and making my life about making me happy.
lovestruck818 Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Dating is horrible. The men I meet aren't actually looking for relationships. They are just hoping to take me to dinner so I will get in the bed with them...which I wont. I am having trouble finding genuity.
RedDevil66 Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 I can't stand it either. Prob why I'm staying in a dysfunctional relationship right now b/c I dread starting all over again.
lovestruck818 Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 I can't stand it either. Prob why I'm staying in a dysfunctional relationship right now b/c I dread starting all over again. Honestly, I'd rather be in a crappy relationship than be single...b/c it would just be nice to have someone.
RedDevil66 Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Honestly, I'd rather be in a crappy relationship than be single...b/c it would just be nice to have someone. Not so sure therapists would agree..haha! Being in a crappy r/s causes grief you would never get alone. I'm alone 90% of the time now anyway and have lived alone 8 yrs (after my ex hubby left) and as hard as it is to be alone, it's harder to be with someone you want to set on fire..haha
grogster Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 I completely agree, pandagirl. In fact, you've well articulated my problems with the ODS ("Online Dating Scene"). The Scene is contrived, forced, stressful and more often than not a waste of time and money. I'd much prefer to meet someone in real time, but I'm not a bar guy. I'm a bit of a homebody. I love my books, video games and music; I'm cocooned. I was in the ODS about 2 months ago. After 4 or 5 dates, I left. The women were all nice, attractive and reasonably bright. But I just couldn't connect. I agree with those who say that you get out of the ODS what you put into it. Since I wasn't going to put anything into it I got out. It's not fair to the women, otherwise. Will I ever go back? I'm a guy with needs, so never say "never."
CandyGirlXO Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Here I am, wanting to blow off another online date, but I'm willing myself not to, because, well, I already agreed I would go and that would just be incredibly rude of me to cancel. But, really -- I hate dating. The process of getting to know someone, see if there is chemistry, the awkwardness, the energy taken up by someone who you probably won't end up with: it all quite fruitless and boring to me. It's not that I don't find people interesting or am some misanthrope, but it's just all this pomp and circumstance and a lot of contrived behavior that I really dislike. (Or maybe I just shouldn't be doing online dating, because the whole premise of online dating is, inherently, quite contrived. But meeting people in real-life is hard to do, when you're not into the bar scene.) Not to sound conceited, but I know guys like me. I'm not a beauty, but I am cute enough, and I can usually impress them with my humor and witty banter. The problem is, guys seldom impress *me.* I know in order to find the right guy, I have to meet a lot of the wrong ones, but what if you have no patience or tolerance for that? I agree 100% I hate dating! Makes me feel like I should have stayed in my bad R. At least around him I could be myself.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 I have never done online dating, as I prefer to let things unfold more naturally, for so many reasons. If you get out and do stuff you like, you are bound to meet people, and now and then you will meet someone with whom there is some romantic chemistry. I can be a hermit, too, but I'm a firm believer that there's a group for everything. For just about any hobby you can think of, there's some kind of social activity you can get involved in. I think you are much more likely to attract a suitable partner when both you and he/she are doing something you obviously enjoy (swing dancing, book discussion group, mountain climbing group, whatever) than when you are forcing yourself through a dating process you dread. Also, I guess I am an old-fashioned romantic, because I prefer to be able to say something like, "We met at the peak of a mountain!", rather than, "We met on match.com."
CommitmentPhobe Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 I really wish I had your problem right now.. I don't seem to be able to get into a settled position where I can "date". Sure I meet women and have flings with them, but actually it would be nice to be able to offer something long term to someone, I just can't give it right now. Last week I thought I was going to be in that position, this week that all got blown apart. I'm moving to the other side of the world in 8 months. And given the fact it's in a place where I don't speak the language it's going to be pretty difficult to "date" there anyway lol. So for the 5th year in a row, it's just not worth me considering going through the whole "dating" process and meeting someone for the long term. So count your blessings will you!
D-Jam Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 I really wish I had your problem right now.. I don't seem to be able to get into a settled position where I can "date". Sure I meet women and have flings with them, but actually it would be nice to be able to offer something long term to someone, I just can't give it right now. Last week I thought I was going to be in that position, this week that all got blown apart. I'm moving to the other side of the world in 8 months. And given the fact it's in a place where I don't speak the language it's going to be pretty difficult to "date" there anyway lol. So for the 5th year in a row, it's just not worth me considering going through the whole "dating" process and meeting someone for the long term. So count your blessings will you! Sounds like your career choices are what keep you in such an unstable point in life to find love. Unfortunately, it is about choice. I'd tell anyone that if they really want marriage and family in life, then pushing to become the top-paid exec isn't going to help that. I don't know a lot of execs who have happy marriages and families. Seriously. I see them divorced or never married. Long term does mean you might have to put a glass ceiling on your ambitions, or give up the idea of love and push to get to the top. It's why they say "it's lonely at the top".
Chinook Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 I agree too. I was feeling all sorry for myself and lonely until I saw this thread I often feel like the online dating scene is a bit like shopping for a partner... personally, I prefer going to the store than doing the online shopping. Only problem with boyfriends is, there's no store to go to! I'm not a bar scene person either... but even if I were, all my friends are either gay (and so go to the gay bars) or they're in long term relationships... which pretty much leaves me on the shelf... at 38... with no idea where or how to meet any guy let alone THE guy. Thing is, I know I ain't a pretty picture - but I'm not Mrs Shrek either. I have a good job, no kids, no mortgage (own house), own car and disposable income. No real baggage to speak of... yet here I am single and not snapped up. It's got to the point now where I just assume that there must be something wrong with me. :-s
edinsvet Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 I'm moving to the other side of the world in 8 months. And given the fact it's in a place where I don't speak the language it's going to be pretty difficult to "date" there anyway lol. So for the 5th year in a row, it's just not worth me considering going through the whole "dating" process and meeting someone for the long term. So count your blessings will you! Oh cool. I moved to the other side of the world where I can hardly speak the language. I found that dating is actually a great way to learn the language. If it is not a secret where are you moving from and to?
Shygirl15 Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Sucks, right? Yep. Been there. Good news for me is that it seems I have found the soulmate I have been searching for all this time. Five good months and he's still the same person I met the first day. We agreed to be exclusive this past weekend. Where did I meet him? Online, of course. Yahoo Personals, to be precise. Just when I was almost giving up.. It can happen.
floyd Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 I agree whole heartedly. I just got out of a relationship where I was completely settling, because I did not want to go back into the single/dating scene. A five month relationship that lasted about 4 months too long ! It is all contrived and the bar scene can be depressing. I'm considering going back into a long dist relationship with a woman who is wonderful, but we are geographically tied for the next several years. However, I have no desire to be out dating, so the few times I see her will be fine since quality is always preferable over quantity.
alphamale Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 americans hate dating and they don't agree with arranged marriages either go figure
Brimstone_Angel Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 The problem is, guys seldom impress *me.* I know in order to find the right guy, I have to meet a lot of the wrong ones, but what if you have no patience or tolerance for that? The problem may not be dating, it may more than likely be within you. That is what I face every time I find myself alone. That is why I only look for women who are looking for a relationship. To me, dating is for those who don't know what they want and need to try different people before they find their match. I know what I want and go for a what I want. If a woman does not match the things that I find important, I don't bother with her. And a little hint, a man worth his weigh is not going to try to impress someone that behaves as if they are unimpressionable. Its not worth the time or effort when there are women who REALLY do want a relationship and a man to care for them. And guys, if you have to bust your butt for a woman, really think if she is worth it. A relationship takes two to work on, not these silly one sided games people tend to play.
alphamale Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 A relationship takes two to work on, not these silly one sided games people tend to play. i agree B_A but it takes a LOT to get two totally different people with different backgrounds, mentalities, emotions & experiences on the same page...
grogster Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 The problem may not be dating, it may more than likely be within you. That's a very real possibility. Can someone have "online dating fatigue"? I'm a candidate. That's why I'm reluctant to write-off forever the online dating scene. The problem may lie with me. Perhaps all I need do is recharge.
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