tfredro Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]So I met this girl about 8 months ago. Instantly there was an attraction/connection. We haven’t really been in a situation that we have been able to get to know each other at all or talk on a personal level until about two weeks ago. We work together and have a couple meetings a week together, but a couple weeks ago, we were at a conference together (with several other coworkers) and had many opportunities to talk. She has been in a relationship with a guy for three years and they got engaged about two months ago and are planning a July 09 wedding. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]During the conference she got my number from a coworker and started texting me. There was alcohol involved, but really, nothing too questionable happened, just a lot of fun sarcastic texts. When we got back from the conference, several coworkers and I decided to get dinner… she was supposed to meet her fiancé for dinner, but decided to go with us instead… The texts started getting more and more frequent until it came out that she had a crush on me. She made an effort to tell me that she didn’t want me to judge her or anything, and told me several times that she is very happy with the guy she is going to marry. I told her I was cool with texting, but that I knew nothing else could ever happen. She agreed. Well, as the week progressed, the texts stayed frequent…we were often staying up until 2 or 3 in the morning just sending texts, and through them, shared a lot of affirmation about how we felt about each other (INFATUATED). Well, last night…we ended up hanging out..randomly until like 5 in the morning. There was a lot of good quality conversation… she confided some things in me that she hasn’t felt comfortable telling the guy she has been with for three years. She also told me she feels uncertain…whatever that means, and that she wishes she would have been able to date more before spending the last three years with this guy. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Last night was great. I feel such a connection to this girl. There was some touching… some hand holding… and a hug. I feel SO GUILTY. I know she is engaged. I would never hurt another person like I know her fiancé would be if he knew. At the same time… I am not so sure I’m strong enough to just walk away… to tell her that we can’t do this anymore. She’s already said she wants to hang out again… but the kicker is…she is hanging out with her fiancé RIGHT NOW. I KNOW I am setting myself up for disaster, but I’m weak. I don’t know if I can stop from exploring the possibly of her. [/FONT][/sIZE]
lkjh Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Look, girls like this need attention. She probably has done this before and you should not mix yourself up with this. Just tell her you think the two of you should keep the relationship professional before you end up falling for her. She seems like the type of girl that looks for attention from males. Go through the OM/OW threads and see how many stories start like this and when the s*** hits the fan they cling to their SO and blame the other person. Hold yourself in higher regard and cut her out before it is to late. Respect her fiance because it would suck if this happen to you.
norajane Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Just because she's messed up and wishes she'd dated more before meeting her fiancee, doesn't mean you have to take part in her drama and become part of the mess in her head. Are there no other women out there that you might be interested in? She's the ONLY woman for miles around? Don't get involved with messed up people unless you want your life to become a mess too. You work with her - this could get ugly if you don't back off now.
nicki Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Do not allow yourself to be used this way. She wants to cheat, and will do so now and after she is married. It's true that she wants attention from men. Tell her that you can't hang out with her. Tell her that you wish her well and as long as she is engaged you can only have a professional relationship with her. And then do just that. Keep it on a professional level. If she tries to take it to a personal one by sharing how confused she is about getting married, simply tell her to talk to her finance about those kinds of things. That you can't help her. Then change the subject to a work related issue. If you think it's hard to walk away now, just wait until you two are having sex together....it will be impossible then. So don't go there until she is free. It's simple, and it's the ethical thing to do. A little trick to get you to detach from her is to focus on her bad qualities. For instance, if you start thinking about hot she is, then think about her nose being too big or how weird her ears are. It really does work! For every good thing you think, immediately replace it with a negative thought. It will retrain your brain. Think about what a big cheat she is and that she thinks you are stupid enough to fall for her crap.
You'reasian Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Its ultimately your call. Some things to consider: 1. She's engaged - obvious. 2. You work together - that could strain your professional relationship. 3. Drama - its a good idea to try and stay away from it if you can.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Yo t If she can mess around on her fiancee, she can mess around on you. The girl has no sense of decency, and really, neither do you to be messing around with someone's fiancee. but if you really want this girl and don't care if she is a runaround or cheater, then have at it. Just don't come back here when she does it to you too.
Alex_M Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 If you were her fiancé how would you feel? I don't blame you, but it hurts to even hear that she's doing that. It's not fair to lead her on, and get her attached to you if it's going to ruin a relationship.
Author tfredro Posted November 13, 2008 Author Posted November 13, 2008 Thanks for the suggestions/advice everyone. It is stuff I KNOW I need to follow.... she even sent me a text today asking to hang out tonight. I told her that I didn't think it was a good idea. Wish me luck as I tell her whats up. I'll let you know how it goes.
Author tfredro Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 Well friends, here is my update. Unfortunetly I didn't follow through on my advice well. We were hot and cold for the last several months. Things finally did end a week ago and I am confident that this was the final break up we will have. I feel really messed up. I am hurt, sad, angry, confused.... I regret... for the first time in my life I actually regret something I did. I was "that guy" and helped her cheat on the man she will spend the rest of her life with. I got what I deserved.... a broken heart. There is a lot that was said and done in our "relationship" that felt right... that made sense. Some of the things that she told me gave me hope that we could be together.... She told me she loved me... The lies and misdirection.... I was so caught up. The only reason I say this is for those here who are thinking about going after a married woman.... or someone who is attached. Learn from my mistake; my hurt. DON'T. Maybe it works out some of the time.... but I didn't in my case. The risk was not worth what I feel now. Don't be "that guy" who takes a piece of someone's heart when it isn't yours to take.
imagine Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 I feel for you, but not too much! What does engaged mean? Pal, originally it meant married but not consummated. Would you park your car into an engaged parking spot. No? Well you did park your relationship into a very engaged zone. She had at least an EA with you prior to tying the knot. I hope that she told her husband about it because he is buying damaged goods. So... I hope that no one does this to your wedding.
lkjh Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 I know this isn't what you want to hear but you are that guy. You need to inform her fiance what she has done before this poor guy spends the rest of his life with her. She will do this again. Next time she can give her H a STD. Do not let this guy spend the rest of his life with this girl. What happens if down the road they have kids and she does this again. Do you know how hard it will be on this guy.
Author tfredro Posted March 24, 2009 Author Posted March 24, 2009 I didn't really feel as though it was my place to tell the other guy. I guess I considered it, but felt as though it would be vindictive of me or something. I don't know. Its moot at this point. I found out from a friend that she broke off her engagement over the weekend. I don't even know what to think or feel about this. Obviously the issues between them were more than just me.... but I feel guilty... I feel at fault... I am guilty. Why are relationships so complicated.... messy? Why am I so selfish? Why can't I seem to do the right thing in this situation??
samspade Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Her cheating - emotionally or physically - was a symptom of a bad relationship. It's good that the engagement was broken off now and not when she became a cheating wife rather than gf. As for you, well, find someone who is single. It doesn't HAVE to be complicated. Look, I was the other guy once. I'm not proud of it. At the time I thought she was cheating because of me. It's really all about the cheater. You, in this case, are like a hungry dog looking for scraps. Raise your value, don't mess with women in relationships. You CAN do the right thing. In the long run it's a whole lot easier.
lkjh Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 I didn't really feel as though it was my place to tell the other guy. I guess I considered it, but felt as though it would be vindictive of me or something. I don't know. Its moot at this point. I found out from a friend that she broke off her engagement over the weekend. I don't even know what to think or feel about this. Obviously the issues between them were more than just me.... but I feel guilty... I feel at fault... I am guilty. Why are relationships so complicated.... messy? Why am I so selfish? Why can't I seem to do the right thing in this situation?? That is such a weak excuse. If you made it your place to mess around with her and helped her cheat, then it is your place to inform the cuckold. The only reason you will not tell is because you are fearful if the outcome.
lkjh Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Her cheating - emotionally or physically - was a symptom of a bad relationship. It's good that the engagement was broken off now and not when she became a cheating wife rather than gf. As for you, well, find someone who is single. It doesn't HAVE to be complicated. Look, I was the other guy once. I'm not proud of it. At the time I thought she was cheating because of me. It's really all about the cheater. You, in this case, are like a hungry dog looking for scraps. Raise your value, don't mess with women in relationships. You CAN do the right thing. In the long run it's a whole lot easier. I disagree with the its a "symptom thing". That is just a shift blaming excuse. There are plenty of people who will cheat even if they are in a good relationship. Saying the relationship is bad is just a way to reduce the blame.
carhill Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Ah, emotional receptacle syndrome. Know it well. You're giving her the ego feed and emotional validation that she's apparently not been getting from her fiance. Trust me, it's not a rabbit hole you'll want to explore. Block her number/don't respond to her texts and keep it professional at work. She'll find someone else and you'll breathe a sigh of relief.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 tfredro inform her fiance, anonymous or otherwise, before this guy makes the biggest mistake of his life and marries this tart.
Author tfredro Posted March 24, 2009 Author Posted March 24, 2009 That is such a weak excuse. If you made it your place to mess around with her and helped her cheat, then it is your place to inform the cuckold. The only reason you will not tell is because you are fearful if the outcome. You are right. I am fearful. Honestly though, I didn't think about telling the other guy until it was mentioned here. Do you really think there would be a point at all to tell him now?? I can only imagine the hurt he is probably experiencing just with the whole thing being over. Why would I pour salt in the wound at this point?
Author tfredro Posted March 24, 2009 Author Posted March 24, 2009 I disagree with the its a "symptom thing". That is just a shift blaming excuse. There are plenty of people who will cheat even if they are in a good relationship. Saying the relationship is bad is just a way to reduce the blame. They may be in a "good relationship", but I still think there isn't something entirely right there, whether it is with the relationship, or the individual that does the cheating. I'm not trying to reduce any blame that I feel. I know that I am responsible for my actions. I'm not going to sit here and ask anyone to be sorry for me or say things to console how screwed up I am about this whole thing. I'm trying to move on and be over her...
Author tfredro Posted March 24, 2009 Author Posted March 24, 2009 Ah, emotional receptacle syndrome. Know it well. You're giving her the ego feed and emotional validation that she's apparently not been getting from her fiance. Trust me, it's not a rabbit hole you'll want to explore. Block her number/don't respond to her texts and keep it professional at work. She'll find someone else and you'll breathe a sigh of relief. Thanks Carhill! Wise advice. I really am trying to not want her in any way. It is tough not to still have feelings though. There are a lot of things going through my head... Even if I don't respond to her texts or emails, I hate that I have to see her occasionally at the office... or hear people talking about her and her broken engagement. I am seriously looking at other jobs just so I can avoid her... pathetic I know...
Beautiful Inside Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 ok all i have to say is even lets just say that she falls for you and leaves he fiance, ok thats could very well happen but once you to start a relationship how would you ever be able to trust her she could just as easily fall for the next best thing that falls her way right?... theres no loyalty or trust there to me....
geefine Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Who Else Needs to Catch a Cheating Spouse? If You Answered "Yes," Then Listen To This Very Special Message From Sarah Paul....... Find Out How to Catch a Cheating Husband or Catch a Cheating Wife and Put an End to the Lies!.Visit US at for more information http://tinyurl.com/c8cu4k
carhill Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Thanks Carhill! Wise advice. I really am trying to not want her in any way. It is tough not to still have feelings though. There are a lot of things going through my head... Even if I don't respond to her texts or emails, I hate that I have to see her occasionally at the office... or hear people talking about her and her broken engagement. I am seriously looking at other jobs just so I can avoid her... pathetic I know... OP, this is normal. It's actually a sign of emotional health. This is key....direct those very admirable qualities towards someone who is both available and able and willing to reciprocate. Tell me, how much time is spent focused on your life? Yes, I know. Think about that....
Author tfredro Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 What do you mean? How much time is spent focused on my life? I feel so selfish now. Here I was the guy who helped her cheat... I did so well for the past two weeks not thinking about her and focusing on other things. Now that they are over my thoughts and feelings are all over the place. Yes, I know, I would have a TERRIBLE time trusting her if I ever was with her. I know how screwed up this is. I have feelings for her. Maybe its infatuation still... I know I need to stay strong and not be so hung up on her. I know I can't just be here if/when she decides to call me up and wants something to happen. I feel like there is such an inner conflict going on in my head/heart... and I don't feel like I can just move on to another girl until I'm over this one... Make sense? I'm sure most people who read this think crap of me for doing this to another guy and know that I am getting what I deserve... I really am trying to do the right thing. I really am trying to find closure and trying to move on with my life.
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