Pica Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 This is tearing me apart. I am very lucky. I'm a 41 year old woman with a loving and supportive male partner who I have lived with for 15 years. We have a brilliant friendship - a lot in common and are very close. We have no sexual relationship though, there hasn't been any intimacy for about 7 years. I also have a loving and supportive female best friend, who is gay. I have been very close to her for six years, we are totally on the same wavelength and think of each other as sisters. She lives away, but we meet up regularly, she will stay with me, or I will stay with her, occasionally we go away together for weekends. Recently, things have changed between my best friend and I. Nothing serious happened - we are both too sensible to let things get out of hand. We kissed a few times, and it was lovely. And now I find myself eaten up with guilt over the possibility that I might really hurt my partner. At the same time, I don't want to lose my best friend or drive her away. I am afraid I might have given her the impression that I was in an unhappy relationship because of the lack of sex, and am concerned that she is waiting for me to leave my partner because she loves me. If I left him, he would be devastated. If I hurt her, I will never forgive myself. I don't know what I want. I love them both and I am so very scared of hurting everyone and losing everything. Any advice would be appreciated.
Author Pica Posted November 12, 2008 Author Posted November 12, 2008 Good question. No, I wouldn't consider myself gay. I find both sexes attractive, I guess that makes me bi? It's usually personality I fall for, not looks or gender.
Sal Paradise Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Most would consider what you did cheating (as I'm sure your husband probably would as well). Your loyalties should be to husband not your best friend. Put him in your shoes. Let's say his best friend was a female who was in love with him. They had kissed a few times and he felt torn. Wouldn't you expect him to get rid of her and focus on you? First you need to tell your husband what happened. If you love and respect him you will be honest with him. You would want him to be honest with you. He deserves the same treatment. Second you need to break off contact with the other woman (thats what she is now). In your mind you would probably like things to go back to where they were. They can't. The line has been crossed once and you know it will be crossed again. If you truly love your husband you shouldn't have a problem with making sacrifices for the good of the marriage. Tell him what happened and if he wants to work things out do it. You two need counselling. It's either do all of that or leave your husband to be with the friend. You can't have both. Things can't go back to the way they were. You have to make a choice. You can't have your cake and eat it to.
jwi71 Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 This is tearing me apart. I am very lucky. I'm a 41 year old woman with a loving and supportive male partner who I have lived with for 15 years. We have a brilliant friendship - a lot in common and are very close. We have no sexual relationship though, there hasn't been any intimacy for about 7 years. I also have a loving and supportive female best friend, who is gay. I have been very close to her for six years, we are totally on the same wavelength and think of each other as sisters. She lives away, but we meet up regularly, she will stay with me, or I will stay with her, occasionally we go away together for weekends. Recently, things have changed between my best friend and I. Nothing serious happened - we are both too sensible to let things get out of hand. We kissed a few times, and it was lovely. And now I find myself eaten up with guilt over the possibility that I might really hurt my partner. At the same time, I don't want to lose my best friend or drive her away. I am afraid I might have given her the impression that I was in an unhappy relationship because of the lack of sex, and am concerned that she is waiting for me to leave my partner because she loves me. If I left him, he would be devastated. If I hurt her, I will never forgive myself. I don't know what I want. I love them both and I am so very scared of hurting everyone and losing everything. Any advice would be appreciated. Are you married to your male partner? What steps have you taken in regards to your sex life with your partner? If you could script the ending, what would you write?
Author Pica Posted November 12, 2008 Author Posted November 12, 2008 Sal Paradise, this harsh response is exactly what I am afraid of. I do not consider that I have cheated on my partner - at least not yet. What happened was a result of a close friendship becoming too close, and we both took control and stopped it from going too far. I simply cannot cut my ties with my best friend - we share too much. I would be lost without her. Not only that, by cutting her out of my life, I feel that I would be punishing her for something beautiful, which seems very wrong. To clarify the situation, she is my only friend outside my relationship. I socialise with nobody else. I'm hoping that I can resolve this without resorting to such drastic measures as you suggest.
Geishawhelk Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Ok, sounds like a plan. What do YOU think you shoul do? because if you can come up with the answer and keep all concerned, happy, with no colateral damage, well done you. But it's not going to be possible. Something has to give. And unfortunately, what - or who - will ultimately rest on what you decide to do.
Author Pica Posted November 12, 2008 Author Posted November 12, 2008 Are you married to your male partner? What steps have you taken in regards to your sex life with your partner? If you could script the ending, what would you write? No, we aren't married. We haven't taken any steps to resolve our sex life - not in recent years. Without going into detail, there are medical reasons why I am unable to participate in that side of a relationship. If I could script the ending what would I write? Ah, I don't know. Something idyllic where all three of us manage to remain good friends, I guess. Where nobody loses anything, and there is no pain or guilt. Yeah, I know. That's probably not going to be possible.
Author Pica Posted November 12, 2008 Author Posted November 12, 2008 Ok, sounds like a plan. What do YOU think you shoul do? because if you can come up with the answer and keep all concerned, happy, with no colateral damage, well done you. But it's not going to be possible. Something has to give. And unfortunately, what - or who - will ultimately rest on what you decide to do. You're right, of course. This is helping me to think clearly, so I thank you for that. For the moment, perhaps the best thing I can do is - nothing. I should give the situation some time, and myself some time. I'm not going to be seeing my friend again until the new year, and by then we both might have calmed down enough to think rationally.
Bryanp Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Hello, This is a suggestion that you simply discuss it with your male partner. Tell him what you have written here. He may be happy that you have someone in your life that you can share things with also. He may not be jealous in the physical aspects since it is no longer an issue between him and you. The bottom line is find out his feelings about this issue and you just might me surprised. It may end up everything being fine between all three of you. Honesty beats deceit everytime. I wish you luck.
whichwayisup Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 If you've kissed another woman, or a man, then yes, it is cheating. I'm sure your partner would feel it was as well. Whatever the reasons are for not having sex with your partner, there are still other ways to please eachother and have intimacy. Looking outside of your relationship is not the answer, it'll only make it more complicated and bring on drama, pain and heartache. Tell your female friend, no more closeness in that way - She deserves more than what you can offer her, so fooling around with her isn't fair because it isn't going to go anywhere since you don't plan on leaving your partner.
Owl Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Sal Paradise, this harsh response is exactly what I am afraid of. I do not consider that I have cheated on my partner - at least not yet. What happened was a result of a close friendship becoming too close, and we both took control and stopped it from going too far. I simply cannot cut my ties with my best friend - we share too much. I would be lost without her. Not only that, by cutting her out of my life, I feel that I would be punishing her for something beautiful, which seems very wrong. To clarify the situation, she is my only friend outside my relationship. I socialise with nobody else. I'm hoping that I can resolve this without resorting to such drastic measures as you suggest. OK...do a web search on the term "emotional affair". Research on what comes up, and compare that to what's happening in your situation. Then, do a search on "recovering from an affair". Take a look at marriagebuilders...they've got a lot of free material on their website that applies to how to recover a relationship from an affair. You'll find that what's been suggested is NOT out of bounds, when you realize that what you're currently involved in IS an emotional/borderline physical affair. Let me ask a blunt question...the kissing you engaged in...is it something you would have been comfortable in doing with your partner there in the room with you? That's a pretty telltale 'litmus test' to tell you if its an affair or not. If you can't do it in front of your partner, or feel that you have to hide how you're feeling from your partner...you're cheating on them...its an affair. And the method for recovering from an affair applies, regardless of the genders of the people involved.
jwi71 Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 OK...do a web search on the term "emotional affair". Research on what comes up, and compare that to what's happening in your situation. Then, do a search on "recovering from an affair". Take a look at marriagebuilders...they've got a lot of free material on their website that applies to how to recover a relationship from an affair. You'll find that what's been suggested is NOT out of bounds, when you realize that what you're currently involved in IS an emotional/borderline physical affair. Let me ask a blunt question...the kissing you engaged in...is it something you would have been comfortable in doing with your partner there in the room with you? That's a pretty telltale 'litmus test' to tell you if its an affair or not. If you can't do it in front of your partner, or feel that you have to hide how you're feeling from your partner...you're cheating on them...its an affair. And the method for recovering from an affair applies, regardless of the genders of the people involved. We are missing many pieces. In the original post the OP strongly insinuates that her R with her male partner is great except for lack of sex. That she feels guilty about crossing a boundary. Now which boundary is unclear: Is it the boundary between friends and lovers? Is it the boundary of infidelity? Why would she have an EA when she indicates all is great except sex? I don't think this is an EA issue, its a PA one. Or budding one anyway. My read on her post anyway. OP- How can you "complain" about lack of intimacy when the issue is a medical one with yourself? Furthermore, what is its nature that allows for you to pursue physical intimacy with your female friends but not your male partner? If you want even better advice, you need to paint us a more complete picture.
Owl Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 This: Nothing serious happened - we are both too sensible to let things get out of hand. We kissed a few times, and it was lovely. And now I find myself eaten up with guilt over the possibility that I might really hurt my partner. Makes in an affair of SOME fashion. Add in that she REFUSES to consider "giving up the OP"...you have the earmarks of an emotional one. And at least the beginnings of a physical one, since they kissed. They've CROSSED the friendship line already. Hence my advice. And from a "fixing the situation" perspective, EA vs PA is irrelevent...the steps are the same.
Author Pica Posted November 13, 2008 Author Posted November 13, 2008 Ok, thanks to everyone for taking the time to reply to me, especially Owl, and BryanP, I found your solutions most helpful. I didn't even realise there was such a thing as an 'emotional affair'. By these definitions, then I have been having an emotional affair with my friend for years. I was under the impression that we simply had a close bond and an excellent friendship. The boundaries are so blurred. On to the sex issue. Initially we grew apart - intimacy became less and less frequent, until it just stopped all together. A couple of years went by, and we stopped even trying, I guess. These past 18 months, my health has meant that it isn't really practical for us to think about it. I hope that clears up the confusion. I wasn't 'complaining' about this to my friend. I have told her in the past that I love my partner, but I am not in love with him in the same way as I was when we first got together. There are times when I have felt trapped in the relationship, and during those times, like any other woman, I've turned to my best friend for advice. Naturally, when everything is fine, I don't tend to talk about it, so it's entirely possible that she thinks I still feel trapped. And perhaps sometimes I do. I don't know, perhaps this whole sorry episode was just a cry for help? And if so, then I've selfishly betrayed two people I care very deeply about and I have to face that and try to pick up the pieces and run damage limitation while I still can.
torranceshipman Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 Leave your male partner as it's obvious that R was over a long, long, loooong time ago. Why stay when you're not in love with him anymore? I know you love him like a best friend or companion but thats not enough-100% not enough as by your own admission you've goneoutside the R and had an EA for years and thats just turned physical! You and the guy need to have a very honest situation here - you need to tell him how you feel asI also think that this guy didnt inhis ideal scenario dream of being with a partner he could never have sex with!!!! Maybe he doesnt want to leave for the same reasons as you - guilt, loing but not being in love with you, general codependency, etc. You both need to be free and single and taketime out to reassess this R and what it is youboth need and want in the future. And if this man is already dealing with no sex for years, I think it adds insult to injury that you are ALSO having an A on him too! Very unfair on him... I know the leap to separating might be scary but you both 100% need it-else you're wasting your life. Take action before this turns into another 10yrs of no sx, with your best friend heartbroken and then you being too old to find someone new....
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