Papillon01 Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 I spent the last three nights at my friends house, and I have come away with the feeling that she did not want me there. I am curious to know what others think. I think this for the following reasons: I woke up after the second night, and could hear her talking on the phone in the next room. She was using the speaker, and I heard her say to her friend that I was staying there. Then I heard her sort of laugh, and repeat that I was staying there with a tone that was sort of like, “SHE is here.” Her friend paused and then said in a very firm tone of voices, “she can take care of herself.” It was very emphatic the way she said it, the tone of voice you use when you are trying to talk some sense into someone else. Then my friend said, “well, its ok. I am a caretaker, that is what I do. I take care of people, so I do not mind.” Even though it does not seem like a big deal, I was really offended by this. It made me feel like I was some homeless bum who was leeching off of someone, rather than a friend staying at a friends house for a couple days. I did not show up on their doorstep uninvited and just barge in to stay, and the last time I stayed there was three months ago when I stayed for a few days. Before that, it has been maybe well over a year or so since I spent a few days in a row there. So it is not like I have been spending the night over there on a constant basis. Then I noticed something else. In the morning, when I would go out into the kitchen, she would not offer me anything to eat. She would offer her boyfriend something, and make it for him with me right there, but not offer me anything. Or if one of her family members came by, she would offer them a bowl of cereal but not offer me anything. I had brought a few food items with me, so I just ate those. I felt uncertain asking for much because if she was not offering then I got the feeling she did not want to offer. She also would not offer me lunch either, but would make something for her boyfriend. I also noticed that she cooked her dinner early in the morning before I got up and ate it before I was awake. For example, one morning she made ribs at about 7:30 and had them eaten before I was up. Then in the evening she would say she already ate her dinner and was not hungry. I felt uncomfortable asking for anything because I was not sure if I was wrong to ask. This evening, a group of us were together in her house for a party. One friend asked if I wanted a serving of something, and I heard her say, “don’t ask her that. She is a big girl, she knows what to do.” It made me think of her friend saying that I can “take care of” myself. Maybe I am wrong, but when someone comes to your house to stay for a visit, I thought it was just good hospitality to offer them breakfast, lunch and dinner. It just felt uncomfortable to see her offering to her boyfriend and other family members who dropped by, but never to me and it made me wonder why. Was I not welcome? Did she want me to just not eat? Did she want me to leave? I am thinking that she just did not want to offer me any food or that there is some sort of bitterness behind this that I am unaware of that would prompt her friend to so adamantly insist I can take care of myself. I try to be a good guest – I clean my own dishes, keep the space I stay in neat, try to help out with anything if I can. The only thing I can think of is this: about five years ago, there was an incident where one of her family members said to me that I needed to replace the food I ate when I was there (I never ate a lot, just whatever she offered. She would offer me something of whatever she made, and so I would say sure.) I remember being dumbfounded, and saying, "I bought her 90 dollars in groceries when we went to the grocery story, which is well over what I ever eat there, and when we go out I always pay for her drinks or her food!" Then her family member seemed surprised, and said, "Oh, I didn't know that." And I said to her, "I always do that, because I want to make sure everything is even between us." Then the subject was dropped. (She never really comes to my place. She is one of those friends who you have to call or go to see, she will not go the other way. I tried to make some things for her in the past, but she never liked my cooking. So I would always say to her that that was my way of giving back.) Not really sure what is going on, especially with her friend on the phone seeming so bitter to me staying there and saying I can take care of myself. Any ideas??
Mary3 Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 Perhaps the times that you have stayed there in the last 5 years , were they due to unemployment or financial reasons ? I really feel for you here. It is very rude to not offer a meal to one and meals to all others. At best , you might want to ( if you can afford it ) to go buy some hamburger and buns and tell the family you are cooking tonite. The next night * if you can affford to * order a couple of pizzas * famous pizza chain has them for $ 5 ) Offer to help around the house , clean the dishes whatever you can. I don't know why you ended up there but your friend and her friends are rude. Perhaps they don't like your staying there and are doing so reluctantly. Are you able to get some goods for dinner tonite and cook for everyone ? Is there somewhere else you can stay ?
Author Papillon01 Posted November 13, 2008 Author Posted November 13, 2008 Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it In regards to staying there, I don't need to stay there (I am not in need of a place to stay or anything, I have my own place to stay, and all the times I ever spent there were not for that reason either). So no, it was not because I needed to save money or because of unemployment. I always help around the house - wash my own dishes, help clean up. If I ever offer to cook for myself, she always tells me to go sit down and let her do it. If I protest, she insists it is not too hard and for me to sit. If I offer to help her with something she is preparing for everyone, she also tells me to sit down... I am not there now. I only went over for a visit for a few days, I didn't go over to stay for any long period of time. I don't know, it was just mixed messages. She says she loves having me there, but then those little comments made me sense otherwise. Thanks so much for the advice!
Mary3 Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Have you ever heard the term : Wearing out your Welcome : ? Do you go for random visits to just hang out ? Maybe they don't want you there as often but are afraid to say so ?....so instead they snicker behind your back about it. I think I would not go over there as often , knowing what you know...
vintagecat Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 There's an old saying that fish and house guests both stink after 3 days. Regardless your friend is rude. She should be willing to be direct and up front regarding any imposition that she believes is taking place and allow you to remedy it and if she doesn't enjoy your company then she should not continue the friendship. If she actually invited you (with actual words like "Come to my house for a 3 night visit.") to come and visit and stay in her home (rather than you showing up and assuming you have a place to stay when you get there) then she is the hostess and is obligated to provide food and shelter. Of course as a good guest, you need to pitch in with more than just a few food items that you brought with you. Like others said offer to fix or buy dinner. The fact that you have to call her, visit her rather than the natural reciprocity that occurs between friends that are equals, and that it appears that she is hyper-critical of your visits, your cooking etc, tells me your friendship is already terribly one sided. Couple this with the fact that she has apparently criticized you openly to family and friends (apparently has done so for years) and appears openly hostile at times and I really wonder at you continuing this "friendship". Of course there are always two sides to every story but I wonder if you might not be wholly tone deaf to her attempts to distance you and possibly terminate your relationship (in an ugly passive-aggressive way) and that now after enduring multiple humiliating (to most of us) events you are the butt of jokes or a subject of exasperation between her and her friends. I don't mean to be cruel but I can't imagine even tolerating a quarter of the open digs, the slights and obvious inequities that you have described as happening over the years without deciding that this friendship thing wasn't working out for any of us and allowing it to die a natural no contact death. Whatever the case, you definitely need a better class of friends. Good luck to you.
4givrnt4gtr Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 I agree with the response that this so called friend isnt really a friend. Why do you keep coming over to her house for extended stays? The way this looks from her perspective is that you are imposing on her and she doesnt have the guts to tell you, so instead she does petty things to see if you catch the drift and leave...added that that she wont call you or visit you....yeah, she doesnt think of you as a friend. Im sorry, but for your own self esteem you gotta go make yourself new real friends. I know its tough...but anything is better than being thought of as a burden.
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