heavenlytomorrow Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 I need advice please! Last year I had an affair with a married man who I fell in love with. My husband found out and has been prepared to forgive me. He is a wonderful man and I made a huge mistake, I desperately want to fall in love with him again and have the marriage I know we both long for. I love him although I do not feel sexually attracted to him since the affair, and I'm Hoping to get that back. I have not seen the om for a year although he occasionally texts/calls. I still have feelings for him but my marriage is so much more important. Any ideas to get those feelings back for my husband? Has anyone else been in the same situation?
Reggie Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 I think you need a third party, a MC, involved. It's pretty dicey for either party to recover from this. Spend the $$ to get help.
Sal Paradise Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Any contact with the OM in any capacity will prevent you from completely moving on. The messages and calls must stop completely. You need to go no contact and no contact means NO CONTACT. Does your husband know about these occasional contacts?
lkjh Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 You can not give your M everything it needs while you still have the OM in your life. You need to firmly get rid of him and then focus on your M. I believe you started the other thread about why affair love is real. That thread shows you still have feelings for the OM and you still justify your affair. You can not rebuild your relationship with your H under these conditions. When you completely rid your family of the OM you will start to fall in love with your H again. He may never trust you again and your relationship will never be the same but at least you can build something new.
Owl Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Great advice given so far. You HAVE to give up OM...forever. Anything less, and you're just lying to your husband and yourself about trying to recover. That's your first, biggest hurdle. After that...you need to rebuild the damage done to the marriage. Primarily you need to repair the damage caused by your affair...but you BOTH need to work on fixing things that existed in the marriage prior to the affair as well. This is where marriage counseling comes in. Both of you are going to NEED this, as a structured framework for recovery, and as a "safe place" for both of you to communicate through the issues and problems that you're faced with. I'd suggest that you remember that you do NOT have to go with the first counselor you go to...try several if you don't find one that works well for BOTH of you. This is critical...get one that you BOTH like. You might pick up a copy of "Surviving an Affair"...it'll give you a lot of insight on what your H is going through, and how to help deal with it all.
jwi71 Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 Like the above posters, you cannot move forward in your M with your lover still in the picture. You must never contact him again in any way, shape or form. Period. Have you discussed your lack of desire with a MC? Have you discussed it with your H? Do you have any thoughts or ideas as to why you have no sexual desire for your H since the A? I asked in another thread of yours...what are you doing to heal the M?
Dexter Morgan Posted November 12, 2008 Posted November 12, 2008 I need advice please! Last year I had an affair with a married man who I fell in love with. My husband found out and has been prepared to forgive me. He is a wonderful man and I made a huge mistake Cheating is not a mistake. I desperately want to fall in love with him again and have the marriage I know we both long for. I love him although I do not feel sexually attracted to him since the affair, and I'm Hoping to get that back. I have not seen the om for a year although he occasionally texts/calls. You cannot try to regain your marriage if you are still in any kind of contact with the OM. I still have feelings for him but my marriage is so much more important. If you still have feelings for the other man, then your husband shouldn't have to put up with it. Any ideas to get those feelings back for my husband? You aren't going to get them back for your husband if you keep having feelings for the other man. I think before letting your husband blindly forgive you, you need to lay it out on the table. Its not fair for your husband to forgive you if you still have the hots for the other guy. otherwise, if you can't shake this other guy, and keep in any kind of contact with him, then it would be only fair for your husband, whether he realizes it or not, for you to divorce him. He needs someone that is true to him and not giddy for some other guy.
mental_traveller Posted November 15, 2008 Posted November 15, 2008 I need advice please! Last year I had an affair with a married man who I fell in love with. My husband found out and has been prepared to forgive me. He is a wonderful man and I made a huge mistake, I desperately want to fall in love with him again and have the marriage I know we both long for. I love him although I do not feel sexually attracted to him since the affair, and I'm Hoping to get that back. I have not seen the om for a year although he occasionally texts/calls. I still have feelings for him but my marriage is so much more important. Any ideas to get those feelings back for my husband? Has anyone else been in the same situation? It won't happen. Your marriage is doomed. Sexual attraction cannot be manufactured, especially not after you bounced up and down on another guy's genitals. Do your husband a favour and leave him, so he can find some hot chick who *will* fancy him and satisfy him in bed, without running around behind his back. If you love him, that's what you will do.
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