2angry Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 Hi Everyone! This is my first post here. It's good to write and maybe get some feedback from you. My situation is seriously messed up, as it involved two close people: my ex-girlfriend and my ex-best friend. My girlfriend and I have been together for the past 3 years and have been living together for 2. Of course, we’ve been having some problems. Firstly, I was not at first certain I wanted to be in a relationship with her and, as opposed to her, I did not fall in love at first sight, which caused a lot of tension during the initial period of our relationship. With time I began to appreciate her to the point where I did fall in love. We moved into a new flat, renovated it together and were reasonably happy together, though there was still some residual tension. Besides, there was that 3 year mark and I suppose we both weren't sure about where the relationship is going. It was definitely a crisis, though I didn't realize it at the time, and so we both ignored the obvious tension. Relationships often come to the point where you either split up to realize how much the relationship meant to the both of you or you stay separated. This summer, my best friend moved to our city, so I offered he stay with us for a while until he found his own place. During that time, he and my girlfriend started talking a lot about intimate stuff (our relationship, and how unhappy she is). During those bonding session, they both developed feelings for each other and I'm screwed, deprived of the opportunity to work through the difficulties to save the relationship. Three years down the drain with no effort to save anything. She now has feelings for him, though she admits her emotions are unstable, whereas her feelings for me are deep and serious. Nonetheless, she has moved out and, as far as I can tell, is seeing him. I also found out that they've had sex. But again she's told me that it was purely physical and was a one time thing and vows never to see him again, after which she changes her mind and tells me she’s not certain what to do and needs time to sort things out. So this is where I am now. The no-contact zone, where I'm hunched over the keyboard writing this in order not to think of the sex she's having with my ex-best friend. The pathetic thing is that I still love her. I wonder if she can find happiness with a person who has betrayed 20 years of friendship. I wonder what she’s doing. Has she gone nuts?
SRV Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 -Sorry to hear that you are going through this. -Your EX-best friend and EX-gf need to remain just that, he was never your friend to begin with if he did this to you after giving him a roof over his head. -It will be tough, you need to cut all contacts with both of them. -Why would you want a girl back that cheated on you with your friend? Sooner or later if you do get back together, the same pattern of behavior will recur, just that this time around it will be with another so-called "friend" of yours. -I would avoid both of them, erase their numbers, emails etc and focus on you and moving on. -Sooner or later she will do it to him too. The relationship will not last based on the foundation upon which it was started. -Good luck to you!
Author 2angry Posted November 11, 2008 Author Posted November 11, 2008 Thank you for responding. All this happened a month ago and I haven't spoken to him since then and I have no reason to. With her it's a different story, as we've been in touch till about a few days ago. Since she was undecided about the whole thing, telling me that she might've made a hasty decision and that she was happy in the relationship after all, I thought there would be nothing wrong with being there for her. I was trying not to put pressure on her, but some pressure was unavoidable and sure enough she felt pressured and attacked. I still hope she's going through some insane phase which will pass. She's admitted that she doesn't know what's going on with her and needs time. So NC is in place, and it's haaard. I keep staring at the phone hoping she'll call or wanting to call her. I know there was some flirting under our roof and I'm willing to forgive her. Maybe I'm stupid. Maybe I feel guilty for not being the perfect boyfriend. Maybe my ego is shattered. Maybe I just don't want them to be happy while I' m suffering. I feel that you're right. The foundations of their potential relationship are poisonous.
norajane Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 No, she's not likely to find happiness with him. That doesn't mean she'll find it with you, either, though. More likely, he's her transition guy - the one that gave her the strength to finally do something about the uncertainty of her relationship with you. Strength meaning, she was faced with the example of another man finding her attractive and desirable and that helped her to understand that she doesn't have to stay with you if she's unhappy - there are other men out there who might not feel undecided about her. Once she gets some clarity, he'll be history.
Author 2angry Posted November 11, 2008 Author Posted November 11, 2008 Norajane, you're absolutely right about her using him to get the courage and support to break up with me. She felt taken for granted by me. The typical stupid mistakes that guys make when they feel the don't have to try anymore. It sounds psychologically valid. The problem is that she never spoke to me about it. There were tantrums and agruements about insignificant things, all of which were indications of something more serious. We never had a chance to talk things through, because her emotions got focued on the other guy. But she does admit to having strong feelings for me. I still don't know if this a crisis or if it's definitely over. She's been leading me on a bit and giving me hope.
norajane Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 Firstly, I was not at first certain I wanted to be in a relationship with her, and, as opposed to her, I did not fall in love at first sight, which caused a lot of tension during the initial period of our relationship. That was probably a very rough time for her. A woman can retain some low-level resentment for feeling unwanted or like she had to chase you or convince you to want her. Obviously, you did decide to be with her, but if it's an uphill battle from the start, that uncertainty she felt because of YOUR uncertainty about her didn't really disappear - it was still there. With time I began to appreciate her to the point where I did fall in love. We moved into a new flat, renovated it together and were reasonably happy together, though there was still some residual tension. So, despite the fact that you moved in together, you were only "reasonably happy" and there was still tension. Meaning, she never felt the security a woman wants to feel in knowing that her man is all about her? Or meaning that you never quite put all of yourself into the relationship, you still had your own uncertainty about being with her? Or both? Besides, there was that 3 year mark and I suppose we both weren't sure about where the relationship is going. You suppose? You never talked about it, despite living together for 2 years? Or you did talk about it and it was a source of disagreement between you that you never resolved so swept under the rug? It was definitely a crisis, though I didn't realize it at the time, and so we both ignored the obvious tension. You didn't realize it was a crisis, but you knew there was tension between you. Was there ever a time when there wasn't tension between you? During that time, he and my girlfriend started talking a lot about intimate stuff (our relationship, and how unhappy she is). During those bonding session, they both developed feelings for each other and I'm screwed, deprived of the opportunity to work through the difficulties to save the relationship. Three years down the drain with no effort to save anything. But you knew there was tension and unresolved issues. Did you ever bring it up? Did you ever try talking with her? You had 3 years of opportunities to work through the difficulties that you knew were there - what prevented you from bringing it up and working through the difficulties? But again she's told me that it was purely physical and was a one time thing and vows never to see him again, after which she changes her mind and tells me she’s not certain what to do and needs time to sort things out. So, again, you are leaving it up to her to sort out on her own. How is that going to work? The answer is, it's not going to work. Not for you, anyway. Because leaving it for her to sort out on her own, without any input from you regarding your relationship difficulties and your thoughts on how to resolve them, all that's happening is she's thinking about all the tension between you for 3 years. She has nothing new to consider. Do you want this woman? Like, as in, forever? Then it's time for you to STEP UP and show her that she is the most important thing in your life and you are not about to let her go without a fight.
norajane Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 Norajane, you're absolutely right about her using him to get the courage and support to break up with me. She felt taken for granted by me. The typical stupid mistakes that guys make when they feel the don't have to try anymore. It sounds psychologically valid. The problem is that she never spoke to me about it. There were tantrums and agruements about insignificant things, all of which were indications of something more serious. We never had a chance to talk things through, because her emotions got focued on the other guy. But she does admit to having strong feelings for me. I still don't know if this a crisis or if it's definitely over. She's been leading me on a bit and giving me hope. You're acting like your mouth was sewn shut during this whole time, and that your brain was on autopilot. Didn't you ever consider bringing up the issues that were obviously between you? Since you were the one taking her for granted, and the one who was uncertain about being with her in the first place, and the one who wasn't trying, perhaps she didn't know how to get through to you? Did it never occur to you that you could lose her? That you might have to DO something to show her she was important, and to raise these issues for discussion? A woman who thinks she's only going to hit a brick wall every time she goes near a subject is going to shut down herself. SHE couldn't save this relationship on her own - she'd been trying for 3 years. Your turn now.
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