SgtPepper Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 I woke up today and realized I was shaking because I was crying in my dream. It may as well have been real because it was the kind of crying I have done so often in the past weeks, although not as often as I "stay strong". Staying strong is shutting off the love that I have for my partner (ex-partner, I guess), telling myself that I do not care if my partner has asked to date other people, even while still loving me, pretending that I am fine with finding someone new of my own. How do I do this? I think of all the ****ty things my partner has done or said and tell myself, "see, you don't want that anyway" and "now you won't have to deal with that crap anymore". Never mind the family we have created and the children we hoped to add, or the house we hoped to remodel, or the vacations we hoped to take. Never mind all of that. Stay strong. I am tired of staying strong. I know I can move on because I have to. I...just...don't...want...to.
pushforward Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 Let it go. Being strong isn't turning off your love. You can't choose who you love and how long you will love them. However, you may let them go and set yourself to be free. You're only delaying your own healing by hanging on. I will say some very mean things, but this is what I tell myself. I have every intention of being as caring as I can. You will have to face the reality of things. I know this will hurt, but it's best to face your fears some times. That's the only way through it. Let it go, don't be afraid to lose her completely. It's not like she is in your life the way you want her to. The girl you love is long gone. She's moved on. Let go for you, not for her. You aren't what she wants or needs anymore. If she loved you, she would have stayed. Her destiny is not tied to you. She is gone. You are left with nothing but hurt. Keep out of her life. New information = new hurt. She is moving on, so should you. Don't hang on to what was. I know first hand how much it hurts. When you let go, it will set you free little by little. Every time you start to feel the love come back. Remember what she did to you. Remember her actions and her words. That's not the person you love. She has every right to do whatever she wants. She is entitled to pursue her own happiness. So do you. You don't need to be strong. You just need to love enough to let go. Don't worry about the future. Take it a day at a time. Listen to SR-71 - Hello Hello Time will unfold the mystery but love is only temporary.
Ronni_W Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 Never mind the family we have created and the children we hoped to add, or the house we hoped to remodel, or the vacations we hoped to take. Never mind all of that. Sometimes it takes more courage and strength to grieve, though. And there's nothing that says you HAVE to move on without first acknowledging and paying "proper respect" to your lost dreams and hopes. Those are real losses, representing the 'death' of the vision you once held, that had meaning and power enough to propel you forward, towards it. It isn't necessarily "strong" to just dismiss all of that, or try to diminish it in any way. It used to be important to you, and it is difficult to let our important stuff go. Of course, as you say, you can get to the place where the old vision gets replaced with a new, also meaningful one. But in the meantime, it is okay to be sad for the one that is in process of vanishing. It is okay to take 6 or 60 minutes, here and there, to pay your respects, as it were. That takes strength, too. It takes strength to be kind and gentle with our Self. (((hugs))). I'm sorry that you're going through this.
Trialbyfire Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 Some very good advice being given here. Staying strong doesn't mean denying your feelings. It also doesn't mean that you have to consistently break down. In order to move on, you have to let go. It wasn't meant to be for whatever the reasons, compatibility or the wrong time in life. Forgive yourself for losing her or for whatever self-esteem issues that prevent you from moving on. Consider the relationship one more experience in your life. If there were things that you would have done differently, do them differently in your next relationship. Don't get trapped in guilt. Also, if she done you wrong, forgive her but know that when you see these red flags in future relationships, how would you handle them? People can change but only if they want and are committed to changing. Also, know what you need, not just what you want in a relationship. Lastly, look back at the happy times and realize that every experience is worthwhile. If there were no happy times, ask yourself why you stayed and how in future, you won't put up with this. Grieve if you have to. That's okay. Just don't get trapped in grief so you spin your wheels with moving on. Let go.
Author SgtPepper Posted November 11, 2008 Author Posted November 11, 2008 Thank you for your thoughts. I needed to be reminded that being strong doesn't mean being in denial about what hurts or pretending that I can just move on without reflecting on my loss. I think I just have given myself some kind of crazy deadline by which I needed to be at point a., point b., point c., etc. in this whole process. What is really nuts is that yesterday was probably the best day I have had since the break up and then today, wham. I was so caught off guard. Wish it was a straight line, but I logically know it is not.
Recommended Posts