officegirl Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 So my boyfriend and I took a lovely trip to the mountains this weekend past and over the course of the trip, he said some things that have me wondering. On the way up, he brought up the subject of his good friend who is going to propose to his girlfriend and told me about how his friend just went out and bought the ring without shopping with his girlfriend so as not to ruin the surprise. Then he said "that's how I'd probably do it". Then when we were lying around in the bedroom at the cabin (we went up with 2 other couples), he tells me about how his friend's wife pulled him aside when I went into the house and said "you need to marry that girl". I didn't really respond because I was unsure of his motivation for telling me. Was it just a flippant comment or was he gauging my reaction. So I let it go. Then, on the way home, he giggled to himself and then told me the story again. Again, like a dummy, I just smiled and talked about the girl who said it. I don't want to assume anything more than he's just a talker and means nothing by it. However, I also know that men who are afraid of marriage would never bring stuff like this up. Guys, what are your thoughts?
Davey McG Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 He's considering marriage and discussing it with you. He may not propose in the next few weeks, but he's taking it under consideration.
carhill Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 So, OP, have you and he talked about your views regarding marriage, children and all that stuff? How did that go?
Author officegirl Posted November 11, 2008 Author Posted November 11, 2008 i know it must be hard for a guy is considering marriage for the first time. On the subject a long time ago, he said that he never had with any previous girlfriends. So I want to be very careful during this time and not crud up his mind with a lot of expectations from me. He's going to need to feel like he is coming to his own terms about this. I just don't know how to respond when he talks like this. I feel like I should just remain conservative on the subject unless he asks me a direct question. Right now, he's just talking out loud. right?
Author officegirl Posted November 11, 2008 Author Posted November 11, 2008 We have not discussed marriage specifically. We have talked about the future and we have compatible goals as far as where we want to live, what we hope to be in life. We both want children (we're both in our 30s).
Ronni_W Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 Well, it sounds like he has something on his mind, does it not? Of course, it could just be his idle musings but there is no reason at all to withdraw yourself from his conversation just because of the topic. You can share your own feelings about whatever, without making it seem as if you just went all 'nuts or needy' -- something like, "Yeah...of course I've had that conversation with my girlfriends, we're kinda mixed on what we'd prefer. For me, I decided that I'd really rather _____. But then, we also figured that guys should be able to live out their own fantasy about it." If he IS looking for information, for God's Sake (and yours ), take all your opportunities to clue him in as to your likes and dislikes (about everything.) Not from a bossy/needy/self-centred place and, in this case, not making assumptions that he is definitely talking about you, but as a general sharing of your likes, dislikes and preferences. You can still go back to him and say, "The way your friend is going to propose got me thinking about...and I realized that I'd probably like ____ instead of _____. But also I think that guys have the right to do it how they want to, too. Not sure what I'd do if me and the guy had different preferences, though." Bigger question is: Are you going to accept his proposal???
norajane Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 If you just blow off every conversation he starts about marriage, he might get the impression you have no interest in marriage. Are you really so afraid that you can't say anything personal in response to these topics when he brings them up? If so, are you sure you are comfortable with him as a lifetime partner?
Author officegirl Posted November 11, 2008 Author Posted November 11, 2008 good question. my instincts tell me that he's the dude. When I think of the future, he's in it. I adore him and I feel safe with him. We fit together. they always say though, that we're out to change people. i don't want to change anything about his personality. But there are certain behaviors and habits that would have to be curbed or at least slowed way down. also, i have some trust issues that must be put to rest before jumping into marriage. That's what long engagements are for though right? Yeah, I'd say yes.
Author officegirl Posted November 11, 2008 Author Posted November 11, 2008 If you just blow off every conversation he starts about marriage, he might get the impression you have no interest in marriage. Are you really so afraid that you can't say anything personal in response to these topics when he brings them up? If so, are you sure you are comfortable with him as a lifetime partner? Afraid? No. That's just my personality. I'm not a mouth runner. I choose my words very carefully in conversations. I think people talk too much in general and that it leaves a lot to be reconsidered. I like to think heavily before I speak. My guy and I have a very easy time conversing and we've had some heavy talks that turn out fine. I guess I was just caught off guard at his multiple mentions of the subject and didn't want to stick my foot in my mouth. I like leaving that up to him.
carhill Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 Ah, so you want him to stick your foot in your mouth You're both mature adults (like you said, 30's); I think NJ is correct in asserting that this subject should be comfortable for both of you to talk about. If you are always "careful" with your words, this can lead a man to not feeling comfortable with easily speaking his mind (if your words and opinions matter to him) because he's not getting contemporaneous feedback and an easy flow of conversation. If this is a subject which matters to you (and there will be many more which will matter if you get married), it might be time to risk reconsideration and trust him to support you in that and become more spontaneous and "in the moment" on certain things. Just a suggestion
Author officegirl Posted November 11, 2008 Author Posted November 11, 2008 you mean i can't just sit back and wait for him to go buy me a beautiful ring and ask me to be his bride? i have to actually talk to him and make him feel comfortable about it?!!!? oh alright. Next time he brings it up the subject, I'll jump up and down and exclaim "Yes! I thought you'd never ask! I do!" j/k ok, I'll try stepping out of my comfort zone here and see what happens.
carhill Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 Yes, and pay attention to whether he's watching the "girls" as you jump up and down Seriously, the moment he proposes will always be special, regardless of what discourse leads up to it. He's asking for your input. He can't read your mind. Men are generally literal (as opposed to literate ), so, on some things, you need to be direct. Even if you "get it wrong", if he loves you, he'll work through your "reconsideration" with you and get to the right place for the both of you. It's a team effort
Ronni_W Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 But there are certain behaviors and habits that would have to be curbed or at least slowed way down. I certainly would guess that there are some of YOUR behaviours and habits that he will prefer to see modified, as well. That is totally normal and natural -- same as taking on ANY roommate, really. We all grew up with different household routines, 'normals' and traditions. As you say, though, HUGE difference between that and wanting/expecting personality changes. ok, I'll try stepping out of my comfort zone here and see what happens. Well, that's a tricky bit -- stepping too far out the first time 'round can be a disaster waiting to happen. Perhaps there will be a smoother transition ('tween zones) if you got more comfortable with things in your own mind and heart, first? For instance, starting to work through those trust issues and finding the best ways to facilitate those modifications that you would like to see (and how to deal with it if they are not forthcoming, or represent one of his non-negotiables.) If all of that is running un-managed through your mind when you step TOO far into a 'discomfort zone' -- oh, mommy! who knows what chaos may ensue?
Lauriebell82 Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 My boyfriend has been doing these "suddle clues" about engagement/marriage for the past month or so. He's considering it. It's on his mind and I'm sure he wants to marry you one day. He may not do it right now or in the next few weeks even. I have had problems accepting that fact, but I'm going to have to be patient with him. What I am trying to do is just find comfort in the fact that he wants a future. As far as reactions to this suddle clues. I try not to show TOO much emotion or excitement, as I want him to have his little surprise. He has made similar comments that your boyfriend has so I always endulge him, answer questions that he asks ect. I try not to get to worked up over it because I don't want him to feel pressure and I still want him to think that I'm not on to his little plan. Good luck, I'm in the same situation and it's hard!
Trialbyfire Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 How long have you two been together officegirl? When friends are getting married, the subject of marriage gets brought to the forefront, particularly if guys are close to settling down and have found someone they're considering but uncertain. When he brings up topics like this in a teasing manner, tease him back. For example, in reference to this: how his friend's wife pulled him aside when I went into the house and said "you need to marry that girl". I probably would have said, "And how did you respond?", in a teasing, light-hearted way. If he hems, haws and backs off quickly, lift any signs of pressure and while maintaining a similar line of topic, then move to discussing the girl involved. This lets him know you're curious but with no pressure.
Recommended Posts